Intro:

The Colony was written by A_girl_who_writes_2. It follows main characters Beth, Tom, and Hamilton living in the Tunnel, unable to leave due to radiation on the surface; however, after the growing Resistance begins receiving messages from topside requesting access to a "girl" in the underground, life-changing questions are raised, and the Resistance rushes to fulfill the mysterious message's request.

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Detailed Feedback

What Worked:

I'll start with the smaller things, then I'll work my way up to the larger things.

This is a small thing since she's a smaller part of the story (in terms of speaking lines, but her memory is important to the plot and Beth), but I liked Beth's mom and the way she shadows over the plot throughout the entire runtime published so far. I really like scenes where the main characters know they're about to lose who they love, and the person they love just looks at them and reassures them everything is going to be okay. It's an instant way to hit the reader in the feels whether they know much about the person or not. I liked the way she went about it and made eye contact with Beth as if showing through both her words and body that everything would work out. It seems like such a small detail, and maybe it is, but it massively impacts my view of the story going forward since A) you establish stakes that no one's safe, and B) it sets up the core of the plot in an intense scene that readers are going to remember. I also just like her as a character. We get some glimpses of her throughout the story in the few flashback scenes, and I liked how she was a strong presence, and I also like how the Resistance doesn't feel as strong now without her. It makes her impact more known and seen when we actively see the Resistance trying to make plans without her, but they don't turn out as good as before.

My favorite chapter in the book is chapter 2, and it's because that chapter is very gripping and has an intense ride throughout the entire word count. Even in the beginning when it's calm with the two of them in their secret space, you know something's wrong based on Hamilton's POV hinting at what's to come. Then, when they run into what's wrong, it's even worse because Hamilton, the one who hinted at what was to come, is now confused because their "plan" wasn't working. A plan we don't know about yet. So that adds to the horror factor since even the one who's in on it is confused. When the character who was otherwise calm starts freaking out, that's how we know sh*ts about to hit the fan. The entirety of chapter 2 was a wild ride, and I loved it.

The concept is probably my favorite part of the story. I love dystopians, so I understand I'm biased, but I love the Tunnel and the way everything works with the different jobs and levels people are allowed to go in. The atmosphere of the story feels very interesting to read about. I'd say some of my favorite parts were just watching the characters explore or when Tom was trying to research and find more information about pregnancy. The overall concept is what drew me in right away, and it's also what made me stay the more I saw of the Tunnel and its processes. I hope you expand upon it in the future since I would love to see more of what your vision of the Tunnel is.

Lastly, I like the direction the story is going. As of the time of reviewing this, there are 18 chapters out, and we most recently saw Hamilton and Beth planning with the Resistance to get her out. The plot is kicking up, as is the pacing, and the more it picks up, the more engaged the readers are going to be. It really feels like things are coming together and will explode soon. I'm not sure if this is a signal that the book is going to end soon or not, but I can tell some huge conflict is happening, and I was curious to see what it was, but I obviously can't comment on that since it hasn't happened yet. Though, based on the most recent two chapters, I can tell Tom is gonna be in deep trouble with Beth and Hamilton. That is, if Tom even manages to get out of the situation he's in. You established earlier that you're fine with killing characters off, even right in front of their loved ones, so who knows what will happen to Tom.

All in all, The Colony shows promise so far, with its main strength being the intense opening, but there are many other strengths as well, such as the overall concept and the direction the narrative is heading in. So, overall, I like what's going on and can't wait to see what you do with it.

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What Didn't Work:

I'll quickly cover the grammatical stuff so I can get into the creative side of the story.

Grammar-wise, there are tense issues where sometimes you'll use past tense in present tense incorrectly. It's okay to use past tense in present tense for certain things, like referring to past actions in the story's timeline, but not for things happening in the current, immediate storyline. The biggest example I have is dialogue tags. Dialogue tags are immediate, and since you're writing in present tense, that means they should be in present tense. Sometimes you'll use a tag like "she spat," but that's incorrect because spat is past tense.

While on the topic, refrain from using actions like spits, hiss, growl, etc. as dialogue tags. Not only are "hiss" and "growl" not very strong words I'd recommend almost never using when referring to humans, but they're also not proper dialogue tags. Keep in mind they're called dialogue tags because they tag dialogue, not people. That's why actions are not natural dialogue tags. You can't smile, laugh, spit, growl, etc. words. You can say them, shout them, whisper them, etc., but those other words are actions, not tags. By saying "she spat" as a tag, you're implying the words themselves are spitting, not Beth. Instead, you can simply do this: "*insert dialogue here*," she said with a smile. The "with a *insert action here*" is far more natural. Or you can say "in a," like "she said in a chuckle." So if you're really dead set on using spit, growl, and hiss, then you can do this: "*insert dialogue here*," she said in a growl. I used past tense since I write in past tense naturally, but this is the same way in present tense. I hope that makes sense.

Those were the two grammar things I wanted to cover, so now I'll get into the creative side of the story.

First, I would suggest focusing more on plot because the plot often feels lost in favor of a love story, but I wasn't quite sure why there was such an emphasis on the love triangle, especially since it led to Hamilton acting out-of-character (I'll talk about this later). In my opinion, there was way too much focus on the love triangle to the point where I questioned why are we supposed to view the Resistance as the good guys? They're planning to blow up generators and do terrorist acts, but we haven't seen much of why the Tunnel is so bad. That's why I'm suggesting focusing less on the love triangle and more on the plot. The middle of this story spends a lot of time on checking on Beth and the rivalry between Tom and Hamilton, but why not show a scene of why the Tunnel is so bad and needs to be rebelled against? Those kinds of scenes can make the plot feel more realistic and engaging.

Moving into the second thing, I wasn't a big fan of the three main characters because it didn't feel like they had much personality. Tom and Hamilton don't have much personality outside of wanting to one up each other and win Beth. Surely Hamilton, a serious member of an organization that could get him killed, would be more mature than to engage in love triangles when the girl who's the key to everything is right in front of him? I'm saying this because he was characterized this way. You characterized him as caring more about Beth than anything else, even at the cost of her hating him. He made the hard choice to keep her back from her mom despite knowing she'd hate him for it. Then, a few chapters later, he's smirking, cocky, arrogant, etc., AKA the opposite of how he was originally characterized. It feels like I'm reading a completely different character. This also doesn't make sense since he seemed on decent terms with Tom at the beginning. He managed to somehow convince Tom to listen to him, which, after reading the full story, doesn't make sense for Tom. Tom has always hated Hamilton, and he hated him even more after Beth's mom dies. There is isn't any solid reason for Tom to even humor Hamilton let alone humor him enough to agree with him (talking about the beginning of the story when they ambush Beth). That's why their rivalry doesn't make sense. Hamilton is established as mature and ready to put Beth above himself, but then he becomes selfish. Tom is established as a caring doctor willing to hear even the "enemy" out, then he suddenly becomes super possessive over Beth to a creepy extent and starts hating Hamilton despite teaming up with him in the beginning.

While on the topic, I really hope none of them end up with her. They're very creepy toward her and treat her like an object. I'm sensing this is leading to a theme about the treatment of women in society. Beth is an extremely passive character who hasn't done anything for the plot yet. Only the men have. So that's why I feel like you might be setting that up and the ending will be Beth becoming active, developing more of a personality, and getting away from the men who are treating her so poorly, but with no ending out, I can't accurately say if those are the intentions or not. If those are the intentions, then I think that's good and I can't wait to see it. I'm not saying that's what you have to do, though. It's just an idea that sparked my mind while reading.

None of that paragraph was criticism, more my personal thoughts on where I think you might be going with the story since I thought you might want to hear how readers are interpreting your words. So nothing there were suggestions, just personal thoughts.

But I hope all my suggestions made sense!

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Summary:

- I liked Beth's mom

- Chapter 2 was a great, intense chapter

- Cool concept

- Strong potential

- Some grammar errors

- Consider focusing more on plot

- Consider giving the characters more diverse personalities

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Overall:

The Colony is a fresh dystopian concept in a genre that doesn't have enough attention right now. It has a very intense start with a gripping second chapter that has deep emotional ties to the main character to suck you right in alongside a cool concept. If you're someone looking for a new dystopian, then this is the perfect book for you.

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Thank you for submitting your book. If you have any questions or would like any additional reviews when the shop reopens, please let me know.

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I'm going to start leaving this new note at the end of all reviews since Wattpad removed pms.

If you would like to keep in contact with me and ask me for more feedback on your work, I have a Discord server for all readers, writers, and friends. I'll leave a link in the inline comment here for anyone who would like to join.