Intro:

Our Hyung was written by _joonation_. Our Hyung follows the Kim brothers through an emotional and long journey including betrayals, twists and turns, and familial conflicts. It is a BTS fanfiction and it is a character-driven narrative.

I reviewed this story before, but it has since been completed, so the author requested an updated version of the feedback. This feedback will focus on chapters 65 and up as that was around where the story was back when I wrote my original feedback.

I will try not to repeat things I've said, but I'm sure there will be some overlap.

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Detailed Feedback

What Worked:

Before I go into things I liked about the storyline, I would like to focus on things I think you've improved on since the last time I reviewed this story.

To begin, I think much of the word choice is stronger and fits the tone of the narrative more. There are more lines that jumped out to me as interesting with unique and fresh words to keep the sentences feeling diverse.

Just some lines I liked: 

"Hoseok's face was an unreadable canvas..." (75). "Canvas" is a strong word for that situation. Good word choice.

"His heart raced, torn between the reality of the moment and the tormenting memories" and "...he made a frantic effort to rise from the bed, a futile attempt to protect himself..." (84). I like the first sentence a lot due to the "torn between the reality..." part of it. It's a great visual that really helps us see into Jin's character. The same with the second sentence. I like how you included a lot of emotion there to make us really feel what's going on in the scene. The word choice is advanced but not to the point where we're confused, which means you have a great balance between choosing words that are strong without being too unfamiliar that we need to Google what they mean, which is something a lot of authors struggle with.

"Namjoon, always perceptive, dimmed the chandelier lights to a soothing glow..." (94). I really like this sentence structure. I also think this was a good moment for Joon to show his perceptiveness considering the context of the scene/what's happening in that moment. Him stepping up and showing his character traits was a nice detail.

There are many other lines I liked, but those were some that really jumped out to me as being moments of strong word choice/sentence structure.

The dialogue is also stronger and improved as the story went along. It flowed a bit better and I found myself attaching to the characters more due to there being more emotion in the dialogue, both in the way it was written and with the descriptions happening around the dialogue. The stuttering was a little less than I remember, and there was barely any of it in the final chapter, which was good and it helped me read the dialogue a little better.

The character work is clearer than before. I had no issues with your characters last time, but in the most recent chapters, the characters are even more distinct in the sense that they all feel unique to one another with their own personalities, dialogue style, and flaws. 

Now let's move into some specific things I liked about chapters 65 and up.

Minho was fun to read about. Okay, maybe that makes me sound crazy so let me back up and explain why. His attitude and the way he carries himself for the last couple chapters was fun to read since the story had been building to that moment. I like how at first Minho tried to play the manipulation card, but when the secret was clearly out, he just accepted it and had a smirk on his face as he explained himself. It was fun to read about a villain who is glad to be evil. That's what I mean by fun lol I hope that makes me seem less crazy. Long story short, I think you executed his evil plan and his more villainous side well.

While on the topic of characters, the relationship between Yoongi and Jin gets a lot of attention, particularly for Jin since he has a lot of internal conflict. Chapter 95 is where much of the conflict comes to a head, and it's probably my favorite chapter in the book due to how much emotion is packed in there. Jin's dialogue and the way you describe his internal conflict is very well done and it makes the entire character journey Jin went through feel powerful and intriguing.

Yoongi is in a similar boat. You wrap up their character arcs well in those last few chapters, and I also liked when they were celebrating Jin's birthday as a way to apologize to him. Considering how much emotional turmoil they were subjected to, it was nice to have a peaceful celebration that slowed down and focused on the relationships. It made for a nice balance between character and plot development. That balance is needed so audiences don't get overwhelmed, hence why I am pointing out that scene in particular.

I'm focusing mostly on Yoonjin since they were the most prominent relationship, but there was nothing wrong with the other characters or their relationships with one another. For example, the Taekook relationship dynamic was fun to read about, particularly in the beginning of chapter 87 with Taehyung trying to understand what's going on and Jungkook holding in his emotion. Seeing the subtle character differences in that scene was nice. What I mean by that is Taehyung has tears showing in his eyes while Jungkook is struggling to hold his tears back, which is a small detail that sets them apart but also brings them together since they're feeling the same emotions, just processing them in slightly different ways. People and, by extension, characters react to things differently, so seeing Taehyung and Jungkook have realistic yet slightly altered reactions made for a realistic depiction of humanity and how we personally process trauma.

Long story short, every relationship dynamic has a lot of emotion behind them that make them memorable.

I think the ending was good. It put a cliffhanger there but didn't leave too much unanswered. The ending was satisfying and wrapped up the storyline but left it open for future installments, which I think was a fine thing to do. That way you're still ending that book but teasing the future. I think the last few chapters are the best in the entire story since they're very tense and all the characters come together and have very emotional moments, like the Yoonjin and Taekook moments I just mentioned.

Overall, I think there were a lot of areas you improved and I think you wrapped the story up well. The characters still have a lot of emotional range and diversity in their personalities that make them stand out from one another, and the plot meshes well with said characters.

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What Didn't Work:

Like I mentioned earlier, the dialogue is stronger than before so I commend you for that. The only thing I have to say about it is formatting with excess spacing and dialogue tags being incorrect. Let's start with spacing.

Dialogue is written like this: " Do you even know the things for which you are supposed to apologise ? " Bitterly spoke Minho , not letting Yoongi speak he started telling the unknown .

There are extra spaces between every punctuation mark when they aren't needed. So it should be: "Do you even know the things you are supposed to apologise for?" bitterly spoke Minho, not letting Yoongi speak.

I changed the punctuation so there were no spaces, and I also lowercased the "bitterly," which brings me to my next point: dialogue tags. Dialogue tags (he said, she said, he asked, etc.) are continuations of dialogue, not new sentences. That means that no matter what end punctuation dialogue has, the tag needs to be lowercase unless it is a proper noun.

So, like this: "How are you?" he asked. NOT: "How are you?" He asked.

So capitalizing "bitterly" made the example I gave incorrect, hence why I corrected it to "bitterly spoke Minho."

There were some awkward sentences where too many words were added and it made some parts confusing. The excerpt I took from chapter 75 is a good example. "Do you even know the things for which you are supposed to apologise?" I downsized it to: "Do you even know the things you are (or "you're") supposed to apologise for?" By downsizing, you're making the lines easier to read and more natural.

I would suggest reading sentences out loud or plugging them into a TTS generator so you can hear how they sound. I personally use TTS and it helps me eliminate awkward sentences. The sentences become awkward when there are too many words, which is why TTS or reading out loud can help you hear when sentences start becoming too long.

Be careful with walls of text. By that I mean a paragraph or series of paragraphs that are very long to the point where it looks like we're reading a wall of just text. In chapter 93, most of the chapter is one really long paragraph. The good news is this is easy to fix due to how the dialogue is formatted.

So when you're writing dialogue, every new person speaking needs their own space AKA their own paragraphs. So in chapter 93, there are multiple people speaking in that one long paragraph (like Jin, Yoongi, and Minho). Whenever a new person is speaking, be sure they're speaking in a new paragraph.

It's done like this in your story: "Hi," Raven said. "Hi," Jimin said.

It should be:

"Hi," Raven said.

"Hi," Jimin said.

When it's separate, it not only limits the paragraph length, but it also makes it easier for readers to read. It's hard to read a whole paragraph where multiple people are speaking. It can get unnecessarily confusing.

Similarly, if you separate the dialogue, you don't need to use as many tags since it's implied the conversation is a back and forth. For example, if Raven and Jimin are speaking, you can do something like this:

"Hey," Raven said.

Jimin smiled. "Hey, how are you?"

"I'm good, how about you?"

"Really good, thanks."

Only one tag is there, but you know who's speaking throughout because the dialogue is separate. If it were put all in one paragraph, it'd be much more difficult to read since the quotation marks can blur together and we're so used to reading books where the dialogue is separate that we're conditioned to think lines of dialogue put in the same paragraph mean the same person is speaking.

You don't always do this and there are plenty of times new characters are given new paragraphs to talk, but it happens consistently enough that I thought I'd comment on it. Paragraph length can be greatly reduced by giving every new person their own space to speak.

Other than that one creative suggestion with awkward sentences, I don't have any suggestions for the narrative or characters since I believe you improved on that and added more emotion to the characters, especially in the later parts of the story. My main recommendations would be to read sentences out loud and consider using free grammar editing software (like Grammarly, ProWritingAid, and/or QuillBot) to clean up some of the grammar errors. There were still many spelling errors, which is another reason I recommend using free grammar editing software. With those fixes, I think the emotions in the story could be even stronger.

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Summary:

- A lot of improvement since last time

- Minho was fun to read about

- Yoongi and Jin's relationship is very complex

- Good ending

- Grammar errors (excess spacing, dialogue tags)

- Some awkward sentences

- Consider breaking up paragraphs by giving every new person talking their own paragraph to speak

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Overall:

Our Hyung is a dynamic narrative that pays off the emotional setup it put in the beginning and middle of the story. The conclusion is powerful and tense, leading to high stakes that will leave the readers guessing what will happen next. With a sequel on the way, if you are someone who likes to read long-format stories, Our Hyung is the perfect book for you.

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Thank you for submitting your story. If you have any questions or would like any additional reviews, please let me know!

For your reference, here is the old feedback:

Detailed Feedback

What Worked:

The author specifically asked me to write about Yoongi's character, so I will honor that and do that first. I don't actually have that much to say about Yoongi since the focus is on Jin and Jungkook more than anyone else.

With that being said, there is intrigue in the characters. The author takes great care to ensure they have emotional parts of them that are fleshed out. The characters aren't flat and they have certain reasons behind why they do the things they do.

Yoongi and Jin have the most emotional background out of all of them. For now, I will focus on Yoongi, but I'll get to Jin in a minute.

As I just mentioned, Yoongi has an interesting background. I like how he became more caring over time and you can see a steady growth in him. At first, I didn't like him at all. I thought he was a monster and I wanted Jungkook to slam some sense into him. However, that's the glory of character writing, right? It's a talent to make Yoongi go from my least favorite to in my top 5.

He has steady development that takes the entire course of the book (so far) to get to. It doesn't happen in one chapter, which is something I appreciate.

Also, his dialogue is probably my favorite of the bunch. His dialogue feels the most realistic and fun to read.

I wasn't going to mention much about Jungkook, but chapter 61 was published since I started writing this review, and that changed my mind. I'm starting to really enjoy Jungkook's character. I already did in the past and I thought he was the most intriguing one, but he became more intriguing in the newer chapters.

Him going on a rant was not what I was expecting, but it was setup well. Jungkook has been through a lot, and his feelings toward the events have been boiling up inside him. He deserves a break and a hug. I adore him and I think he is the best character right now.

I can't say much about Jimin and Hobi. Typically I have a lot to say about Jimin because, well, he is my ultimate bias. However, I do enjoy Jimin's recent involvement in the story. I'll talk more about the chapter 59 cliffhanger in a minute, but I enjoy how that set up his involvement in chapter 60. You're doing a good job setting up their involvement in the story and paying it off in future chapters.

Now I'll get into Jin since I said I would. I like how you handled Jin's character. It was different and I didn't know how to feel about it at first, but as it got fleshed out more in recent chapters (since "it" was a recent reveal, I'm not saying what it is in case someone reading this review wants to read the story), it grew on me. I appreciate you taking a creative risk to make Jin's character feel more interesting and unique. I don't think I've ever seen a character quite like him before, and I read Wattpad stories every single day for contests and entertainment.

I also like the pacing of the story. The pacing worked for me because it's a longer story, so you take your time to flesh out the characters and give them their roles in the story. The plot never feels rushed or hard to follow.

Speaking of plot, we might as well go into it, right? I never have too much to say about plots and themes because I myself am not the best with plots, and themes are always things I would rather talk about in combination with the characters. With that being said, I actually really like the plot and thought it was good for the story. I noticed no plot holes.

I hate to backtrack, but I mentioned pacing earlier. Part of pacing is knowing when to end chapters. You do a great job ending your chapters. For example, Chapter 59 ends on a cliffhanger that sparked a positive response from the readers. I read comments while I read because it's fun to see what other people say, and it was super interesting to see everyone's reaction to the ending cliffhanger. You should be proud of the reactions you've received.

In general, you have a creative mind. I was intrigued by four chapters in a row being titled "Not a disappointment." That's not something you see every day. The direction you take your story makes it so the readers are always kept guessing. They can never predict what's going to happen, and for that, I give you lots of kudos.

This isn't the average BTS story. It definitely takes a strong heart to read, and I mean that in a good way. You handle a variety of topics without it feeling bloated or poorly paced. Each chapter has just enough content to keep us invested without pushing us away, and I respect that a lot.

Overall, the story is very good and I enjoyed my read. 90% of everything I'm going to say in the didn't work section is technical writing with grammar, which is very good. It's better to have technical writing flaws than creative ones because technical are, in general, easier to fix.

Great job!

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What Didn't Work:

I tend to over explain, so I'll try to be a bit quick with my explanations this time. So if I jump around a bit, I apologize for that, I'm just trying to keep everything brief but understandable.

There are a few grammar issues I will go over.

For starters, a lot of the Korean is wrong. 네 is the Korean word for "Yes." It is spelled "ne" in English letters, not "nae." That would be 내.

What is doesang supposed to mean? If I'm reading this correctly, then the Hangul is 되상, which I'm not quite sure what that means. I searched it in the Korean English dictionary and couldn't find anything. I believe what you mean is dongsaeng (동생).

There are also a lot of spelling errors, like sniffling is "sniffinling" in the fourth "not a disappointment" chapter.

The dialogue is formatted wrong; it's formatted like a script. It's formatted like:

Yoongi: Hey

It should be:

"Hey," Yoongi said.

This might be a more personal thing, but the dialogue being bolded doesn't work for me. It's distracting and hard to read. Italics and bold is best used for emphasis, not for standard dialogue.

But again, that might be just a personal thing. It hurts my eyes to read, but others might feel differently. I would suggest getting a few different opinions on that before changing anything.

There are capitalization errors where proper nouns are not capitalized. Like, near the end of chapter 19, Yoongi is not capitalized.

Don't use abbreviations unless the characters are texting, like UK or srsly.

Just something to keep in mind: try not to switch between first and third person for no reason. Jungkook's POV in chapter 5 didn't add anything to the story. Switching between first and third person is something I strongly recommend authors don't do in the same chapter since it's very jarring, but I especially don't recommend it if it doesn't add anything to the story. Everything said in the Jungkook POV could have been said in dialogue or the standard POV.

Stuttering is fine in small quantities, but too much is overboard and can be over dramatic. It's a sign of telling over showing. While people do stutter in their speech, sometimes often, you're going to get a more emotional response from showing the emotions rather than blatantly telling by having the characters stutter often. By overusing stuttering, it makes the text hard to read. I recommend using more creative ways to show the characters are emotional. Not only does it get repetitive and boring if you keep using stuttering, but it's also frustrating to read. Trying to read constant stutters isn't natural, which is why as readers, it's hard for us to keep up.

Maybe try describing the way their face looks, or describe their voice (for example, what is their tone of voice? Is their voice cracking?). You can also describe their posture, hand gestures, eyes, etc. That's where italics comes in, too. You can use italics for emphasis. There are limitless ways you can show over tell, so I hope this helps.

I have a worldbuilding pet peeve that destroys immersion and makes it hard to get engaged in a story. It's when an author blurs out the name of a place. In chapter 18, instead of naming a club, it says "It's xx club."

For future reference, don't blur out the names of things. Either give them a fictional name or research a club from the area the characters are in and give the club that name. If xx is actually the name of the club, then capitalize it. Lowercase makes it look like you're blurring it out. It should be: "XX Club" since it's the name of a specific place. But I don't think it's the name of the club because it's done again in chapter 19 with "xx alley." It's not a good worldbuilding strategy; it makes the world feel dull since we don't know the names of anything.

Lastly, you shouldn't write about topics you aren't willing to research. In chapter 31, you say, "I have literally zero knowledge about what to do in a panic attack so please don't mind." Panic attacks are not light topics. Please don't write about such sensitive topics without doing research first. I saw the funeral scene and the comments telling you about wearing black.

I hope that didn't sound harsh, that wasn't my intention! I apologize if it came off that way. It's just something to keep in mind because we as writers have more influence than we realize, especially on a site with many young minds. So when certain topics are written inaccurately, it can potentially be dangerous.

Not trying to scare you or anything! Just something to keep in mind for the future!

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Summary:

- Intriguing characters

- Emotional backgrounds for each character

- Good pacing

- Good plot

- Great cliffhangers and endings to chapters

- Some grammar errors

- Try to avoid blurring out names of places, it helps the world feel more realistic and immersive

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Overall:

Our Hyung has interesting concepts and intriguing characters. The main suggestion I have is to tweak the grammar since it can make the story hard to read at times. Otherwise, the narrative shows lots of promise and room for growth, and I hope the author continues to write since there are many intriguing events going on.

For people who like long-format BTS fanfics, I recommend this story to you.