Intro:

This feedback is for Maboroshi no shin'kinkan: Saki e sumu by jakeyboi98. It is a science-fiction adventure with elements of paranormal activity. It is formatted like an episodic anime, which includes artwork and episode teasers.

~~~

Detailed Feedback

What Worked:

I take notes while reading, so this will be out of order in terms of which episodes I talk about.

I will start with episode 2.5. I was a bit confused why it was 2.5 instead of 3, but I understood it after a few minutes and even liked the decision to give a segue into episode 3. I haven't watched much anime in my life, but from what I recall, I remember seeing "half" or special episodes such as these, so I understand the 2.5 now. 

The main reason why I brought up 2.5 is because I liked the repeating theme of nature in the text. The description focuses a lot on nature and its relationship with the characters.

It begins with nature's call, then nature's response, then nature's passive song. In a way, it feels like the nature has its own character journey, which matches how Rui acts in this episode.

It's a small detail, but it makes the entire chapter feels more cohesive. Along with that, it feels like it connects to Rui on a deeper level even though the text doesn't come out and say that. I find that the subtle details such as those stand out and make the story more intriguing to read.

The reason it's so engaging is because the nature lines are evenly spread out so only someone paying close attention would notice. Like I said before, those small details make the story that much more interesting, and I'm using the nature example as an umbrella term to say I liked the smaller details in the story since they gave the audience room to think about what was going on.

Long story short, you reward the readers who are paying close attention by giving them extra details.

I also like the artwork used. It's very beautiful and adds to the episodic feel you're going for. Giving it that style makes it stand out more, and it definitely makes it stand out on Wattpad because not many authors experiment with artwork the way you have in this narrative.

Normally I tend to dislike stories that use too many images, but for yours, I think it fits very well.  It adds to the anime style you're going for, and it doesn't feel like too much, in my opinion.

I think the story idea itself is interesting. You take a paranormal idea and mesh it with a science-fiction world, which sounds pretty cool just from that very basic rundown of what happens in the story. Without even mentioning the details involving the ghosts and the mechs, it already sounds intriguing. With the ghosts and mechs, it's even more intriguing.

The premise does a good job hooking readers in. I also didn't feel overwhelmed by the plot. In sci fi, it's easy to get lost because of the different concepts, but you make the story feel unreal and mundane at the same time. That may sound like a contradiction, but it has classic sci fi moments that are still grounded in the reality of human emotion.

I'd like to take a moment to appreciate the sense of adventure this story has. It feels like there's a clear objective that drives our protagonist, Ichiro, forward. It feels like a classic call to action that sends Ichiro on his journey.

I like the overall layout of the story. Starting with an intro video then having episode teasers and back pages really sells the episodic feeling you're going for, and along with that, it immerses the reader more in this world you're crafting.

Another thing I like is although it is a sci fi world, it doesn't feel overbearing or like it's relying too much on being a sci fi fic to engage readers. The mechs in the beginning were hardcore sci fi concepts with these mech battles and arenas, and although they're present throughout, you still don't overwhelm us with too many sci fi concepts all at once, and you give us time to process what's going on before moving to the next thing. That adds to what I said before about not being overwhelmed by what happens in the story.

So far, there aren't many episodes out, so I cannot review character arcs yet, but the characters are off to a good start and have specific traits that set them apart from each other. Again, I like the classic hero's journey you have going on because it fits the plot and characters you are displaying.

~~~

What Didn't Work:

It's a common misconception that dialogue tags should rarely be said or asked, when it's actually the opposite. Dialogue tags should rarely be anything other than said or asked.

The reason is because dialogue tags do nothing but tell you who is speaking; they add nothing to the story otherwise. I call it the 50-30 guide: only 50% or less of your dialogue should have tags, and of that 50%, at least 30% if not more should be said or asked.

In the first episode, you overuse dialogue tags. You can cut down most of them and instead use actions to show us who is speaking. In general, try and get in the habit of using actions and speech style to show who is speaking instead of telling it.

The last thing you want to do is draw attention to your dialogue tags; that's why most authors recommend using said or asked more than the "fancier" ones (for lack of a better term).

Remember this when writing dialogue: the dialogue is important, not the tag. The more attention you put on the tag, the less attention you're putting on the dialogue. Let the words and actions of the characters do the talking for you. I hope that makes sense.

For some reason, you flip from past to present tense in episode 3. Episodes 1, 2, and 2.5 were in past tense, but episode 3 is in present. There were tense slips before that, but this chapter is almost entirely in present tense. Remember to keep your tense consistent.

In episode 3, it feels like a lot of things changed from the previous episodes. For example, you did dialogue tags right in the previous episodes, but in this one, you do them incorrectly.

For example:

"...He believed the crypts whispered stories to him, offered him comfort and advice." She said with a delicate smile.

It should be: "...He believed the crypts whispered stories to him, offered him comfort and advice," she said with a delicate smile.

Dialogue tags should always be lowercase unless A) they start the dialogue (i.e., She said, "Hey.") or B) they're a proper noun (i.e., "I'm here," Raven said). Even if the dialogue ends with a question mark or exclamation mark, the dialogue tag needs to be lowercase unless it is a proper noun (i.e., "How are you?" she asked). Also, make sure if you're using a tag after the dialogue, the dialogue doesn't end with a period.

In pursuit of having a more complex sentence, you repeat the "bigger" (for lack of a better term) vocabulary words, and that makes the sentences sound redundant at times. Another commenter pointed out many cases where you repeated certain words, so I will not dwell too much on it, but remember it's okay to have simpler sentences.

When you're using a more complex vocabulary, if you repeat words, they stand out more because, by nature, we are going to remember those words more than less complex ones. That's why avoiding repetition is important. I hope that makes sense.

While on the topic, be careful of having "word sandwiches," as I call them.

Remember that too much description can harm your pacing. I write using the five senses, so I understand wanting to describe things, but there is such thing as too much, especially with description. For that reason, I suggest cutting back on some of the descriptions and spending more time building the characters, plots, and themes instead of setting the scene.

I would suggest doing more proofreading and/or editing. There were many typos and grammar errors throughout.

You over-rely on telling over showing. Oftentimes, you'll blatantly tell us what's going on without giving us a chance to figure it out for ourselves. 

For example: "...Ichiro pressed, the urgency in his tone undeniable."

You tell us his tone is undeniably urgent. It's fine to use telling, but it's used in this manner quite a few times throughout. Some of them are fine, but try to practice doing more showing.

Another example is: "...Suzu said with shame in her eyes."

Again, it's fine to use telling here and there, but the telling is frequent. I suggest trying to use more showing to give the reader more to engage with as they're reading.

Lastly, refrain from using all caps. They are another use of telling over showing, they're hard to read, distracting, and come off as you (the author) screaming at the readers instead of the characters screaming at each other. It's much more effective to use different avenues to show the emotions the characters are going through, such as describing body language.

~~~

Summary:

- Interesting, engaging formatting

- You reward readers who pay close attention

- The nature "character arc" in episode 2.5 was well done

- Good pacing for the worldbuilding

- The characters are intriguing so far

- I like the classic "call to action" plot

- Grammar errors (tense issues, all caps, dialogue tags)

- Try to use more showing over telling

- Consider cutting down the description in some areas to focus on plot, character, etc.

~~~

Overall:

Maboroshi no shin-kinkan: Saki e sumu is an engaging science fiction story in the form of an episodic anime. It has unique formatting, beautiful art, and a classic call to action plot that makes it feel familiar despite being in a sci fi world. I recommend this story for those looking for a fun read with different formatting from what you're used to seeing.

~~~

Thank you for submitting your story. I'm really loving how many creative stories I'm getting to read. This is the first story I've read on Wattpad that's formatted this way. Not only formatted in episodes, but having lots of art, back pages, teasers, etc. 

If you need me to clarify any of my points or want any other reviews, please let me know! Thank you again for submitting, and I hope you release the next episode soon!