Intro:

Kayla Rose was written by Abigailk8. It follows a young woman named Kayla, hence the title, on her journey through senior year. On the surface, it seems like senior year should be fun and relaxing, but Kayla's journey quickly turns to chaos when bullies throw arrogant remarks her way, her mom pushes herself too hard at the hospital, and a new student Kayla keeps bumping into becomes her partner in a major project. What does this mean for Kayla, and where will her journey take her next?

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Detailed Feedback

What Worked:

Something that stood out to me right away was the banter between Luca and Lila. It's very realistic banter that would definitely happen in high school. While it's been a few years since I've been in high school, I can imagine high schoolers saying these things. Like bantering over whether or not a hot dog is a sandwich. Heck, I'd probably join in on that banter and I'm in my twenties. It may seem like a small thing to praise, but these kinds of things are what make characters more unique and engaging. If we don't see what the characters like to talk about/how they interact with one another, it's far more difficult to get attached to them, so good job with Luca and Lila.

In general, I like Lila. I might even like her the most. And no, it's not just because she watches k-dramas. She's given clear character traits right off the bat, and as the story continues, she gets more depth and intrigue. The way she cares about Kayla is heartwarming and fun to see, and her relationship with Luca was well done.

The same applies to Luca, and I think him and Kayla are very cute together, and I really liked that dancing scene where he eased her into it and was super respectful of her boundaries. Maybe I'm just a simp, but I love it whenever he stands up for her and isn't scared to get his hands dirty to help her. Luca, like Lila, has a distinct personality, and in a way, he's almost like the opposite of Lila in how he responds to situations. Lila is more passive but comforting while Luca is more active and aggressive, making for an interesting contrast between the two.

Along with that, I like the way you give them a chance to be kids, like they watch Disney together and sing the songs. It's cute to see that innocence since, well, they're kids. They may be seniors in high school, but they're still high schoolers with a child-like heart. They're still very young, and I'm glad you embraced that instead of making them like super serious or more like adults. They have chances to show their inner children, and I liked that. I also liked how music bonded Fiona and Kayla together, and music is like Kayla's comfort place.

Speaking of, another thing you do well is Kayla's character, and you give her more personality and traits than I was expecting. She already started off as someone with an intriguing personality, but you took it beyond that and added more layers, like her dissociating during conversations and falling into her thoughts too often. Those kinds of things made her more engaging since she really acted like a high schooler, and I mean that in a good way. I also like how she doesn't like being touched and flinches when people touch her who aren't the few specific people she's okay with touching her. At the same time, she communicates and isn't frustrating in that sense. Miscommunication is one of my biggest pet peeves where main characters tend to withhold information for no reason, but, for one, when Kayla withholds information, it's because she has a good reason, and two, she explains to her friends that she needed alone time and is upfront with them about it.

That may seem like a small thing, but it's actually so good and it makes me beyond happy to see a protagonist that has reasons for withholding information, and also a protagonist that isn't scared to say when she needs to be alone. She communicates with her friends and makes it known what she needs so they can better help her. This is so rare on Wattpad these days, so this makes Kayla a refreshing protagonist not only because of her clear personality and interesting traits, but also because of her openness to communication and the way she has clear motivations behind her decisions if she chooses to withhold information from others.

In general, I like the direction you took this story in terms of its themes. The anxiety and learning to live with it is a very intriguing topic that I wasn't expecting. Not only did you choose to cover this intense topic, but you chose to cover it through someone who's young. Mental health in schools isn't taken seriously enough and is often tossed aside in favor of studying and the "future" of the kid. Shining the spotlight on the issues young people are facing is important, and I'm glad you weren't scared to do that.

Lastly, I'm a huge fan of the mom and how she's actually supportive. Having the father not be supportive and part of the reason Kayla gets triggered makes sense, and I'm glad the mother acknowledges this and tries her best to help her daughter. Seeing a supportive parent is honestly rare in fiction, especially when dealing with topics like anxiety/mental health, so to see support was very wholesome. In general, most people were supportive of her, like Fiona, her mom, and the twins. The school was against her, but the people who really mattered to her supported her, and that was refreshing and fun to read.

Overall, the strongest parts of this story are the themes and the character dynamics, and those are two of the most important elements of a narrative, in my opinion, so getting them right is crucial to hooking in readers.

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What Didn't Work:

As I cover the grammar errors, I'm only going to cover the ones I saw in the edited chapters, that way I don't accidentally point out grammar errors in later chapters that you're currently editing. I hope that by sticking solely to the errors in the edited chapters, it helps with your future editing and I'm not pointing out errors you already know, but rather new errors you weren't aware of.

You often like dialogue like this: "Hey Kay" (chap 1)

It needs to be: "Hey Kay."

Dialogue needs end punctuation, so make sure you're adding end punctuation, normally full stops/periods. Similarly, you do dialogue tags incorrectly. Dialogue tags are always lowercase unless they are proper nouns, and you put tags next to the dialogue, not below it.

Here's how you write tags:

"*insert dialogue here*"

I muttered.

OR:

"I'll try it on." She said...

It should be:

"*insert dialogue here*," I muttered. AND: "I'll try it on," she said.

The "she" isn't a proper noun, so it needs to be lowercase. When using dialogue tags, you cannot end the dialogue with a period/full stop. You can end the dialogue with anything other than a period/full stop. Dialogue tags are continuations of the dialogue, not new sentences, therefore they need to be treated like part of the same sentence and lowercase. Even if the dialogue ends with special punctuation like ? or !, the tag needs to be lowercase unless it is a proper noun.

Example: "How are you?" she asked.

NOT: "How are you?" She asked.

There are tense issues where you flip flop between past and present tense incorrectly. For example: "They had always been by my side, and we have been through a lot together" (chap 1). You're writing in past tense, so the "have" should be "had."

You have comma errors where you need commas but don't use them. For example: Sensing my discomfort she kept her hand to herself letting out a sigh before taking her books out (chap 1).

It should be: Sensing my discomfort, she kept her hand to herself, letting out a sigh before taking her books out.

You have possession issues where you use 's incorrect. For example: "Soon the car comes to a halt in front of the twins' house, it's beauty still mesmerizes me though I had seen it many times."

Alternative: "Soon, the car halted in front of the twins' house; its beauty still mesmerized me, though I had seen it many times."

I added a comma after "soon," changed the second comma to a semicolon, and added a comma before "though." The sentence is grammatically incorrect in terms of its punctuation, so that's the punctuation I recommend. I also changed the tense to past since you are writing in past tense (you flipped between past and present tense incorrectly in that sentence). That's another example of the tense issues. Lastly, it's means it is, so the sentence means: "it is beauty still mesmerizes...", but that is not correct, hence why I changed it to "its."

I would strongly suggest using a free grammar editing software like QuillBot, Grammarly, or ProWritingAid, or a mix of all three (though I personally believe QuillBot is the best since it gives you the most features for free) to help with the grammar as there are many errors throughout with non-proper nouns being capitalized (biology is capitalized, for example), possession issues, tense issues, punctuation issues, etc. I would also suggest reading sentences out loud to help identify errors.

Moving into the creative side of the story, be careful with writing style. The style is plainer and more matter-of-fact, which is absolutely fine and there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, I think it works for the story and is a good style; however, sometimes there'll be random purple prose descriptions that don't fit the writing style and feel completely out of left field.

Just in case you do not know, purple prose is a term in literary criticism that refers to language that is overly flowery/pretty to the point where it calls negative attention to itself, which is why you should avoid it. You can still be pretty and use complex vocab without your writing being purple prose, but if you're using too much and going too far, it will become purple prose.

I'm saying all this as backdrop info for something from the first chapter: "Radiating joy from within, her countenance delicately teeters on the precipice of a mirthful explosion, her visage straining against the confines of happiness."

What does this mean?

I don't know what this sentence means since there's such a heavy emphasis on the vocab that the meaning of the sentence is lost on me. The same applies to the sentence starting with "Amidst the murmuring orchestra...". That entire sentence and the one I just mentioned are both purple prose and way too over-the-top with the style that it becomes impossible to understand what you're trying to say. 

Be careful with using style for the sake of using style. Remember style doesn't make a story, a story makes a story. Along with that, it doesn't matter how pretty the language is if the sentence's meaning doesn't make sense. The #1 goal of creative writing is to be clear, so focus more on clarity, not prettiness. You can be pretty and clear, just try not to go too over-the-top with it, is what I'm trying to say.

I saved this for last because it's most important: dialogue. I already talked about dialogue tags, but I'd like to talk about dialogue in particular. I would strongly suggest tightening your dialogue and making it more engaging. Your dialogue is mostly just lines without anything happening around it, many of which can be cut or shortened.

For example:

"Morning mum."

"Morning dear."

"How was your night?." (NOTE: you don't need the period/full stop here, you only need the ?)

"It was okay."

"The hospital?"

"We had multiple admissions come in right before I clocked off."

Do you see how this dialogue isn't too engaging because it's taking a while to get to the last line, and there's also no descriptions, no actions, no facial expressions, no body language, etc. When we talk, things are constantly happening. Your voice cracks, the air conditioner creaks, you fiddle with your fingers, you bite on your lip, you struggle to maintain eye contact, you clear your throat, etc. I talk to myself while writing, and even as I talk to myself now, my fan is blowing and making a noise, I coughed, my hair is in my face and I need to move it, etc. Just one person in a stable bedroom environment is dealing with several things happening while I'm talking to myself, now imagine a kitchen conversation between two people.

That was a lot, so let me break it down by showing you how the dialogue could be:

"Morning, mum. How was the hospital last night?"

She groaned and rubbed her temple with her calloused fingers. "We had multiple admissions come in right before I clocked off."

There were six lines of dialogue, but I cut down to two, and the conversation makes sense, and I gave a physical description of the mom. My surgeon had calloused hands, which is why I said calloused, though that's just an example and not what you need to go with if you don't like that.

You don't need all the fluff of the four extra lines. You get to the point faster, and the dialogue is more engaging since there's added actions to describe the mother. Notice how much more life and realism there is. The mother is obviously upset about the multiple admissions, but by giving us no action and just "We had multiple admissions come in right before I clocked off," you aren't giving us much emotion to the dialogue. It's just floating words, in a way. That's why I suggest tweaking the dialogue to A) cut it down to only exactly what you need and nothing more, and B) giving more weight to the words by doing more small descriptions about character actions, facial expressions, body language, the environment around them, etc.

I hope that makes sense!

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Summary:

- Cute relationship between Luca and Lila

- Wholesome character relationships + character moments

- Kayla is an engaging protagonist

- Interesting themes

- Good mom character

- Grammar errors (dialogue tags, tense issues, comma errors, possession issues)

- Be careful with writing style

- Consider tweaking your dialogue to make it more engaging

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Overall:

Kayla Rose is a theme and character-driven novel that has an engaging protagonist, and this book covers many deeper topics not often covered, such as anxiety and triggers for attacks, like physical touch. If you're someone who enjoys reading about deeper, complex topics, then this is the book for you!

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Thank you for submitting your story. If you have any questions or would like any additional reviews when the shop reopens, please let me know.

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I'm going to start leaving this new note at the end of all reviews since Wattpad removed pms.

If you would like to keep in contact with me and ask me for more feedback on your work, I have a Discord server for all readers, writers, and friends. I'll leave a link in the inline comment here for anyone who would like to join.