Intro:

Infatuation was written by lunaeeclipse-. It is a BTS fanfiction centered around BTS member Jeon Jungkook and the female lead named Jayeon. After seeing each other for the first time in a while, Jungkook grows to appreciate Jayeon more and more until his feelings become an infatuation.

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Detailed Feedback

What Worked:

Normally I like to start small and get into the meat of it, but I have a lot to say about the core storytelling elements, so I'm just going to jump right into it, starting with Jayeon.

I was pleasantly surprised by Jayeon and how much I enjoyed her. For BTS fanfics in particular, it's easy for the lead characters to be, to put it bluntly, annoying. Like the Y/n's constantly going hajimaaaa and stuff like that. Even many original female characters end up having these types of personalities, and it gets annoying after a while. However, Jayeon does not have this problem. In fact, she's quite the opposite where she's mature but also has traits that make her struggle and feel like her confidence gets fractured.

For example, I'll talk more about her panic later, but that moment with the panic and her thoughts becoming a frenzy was very interesting to me and added a new layer to Jayeon that I wasn't expecting. There were some hints hidden in the text that I picked up on when I read through it my second and third times that made me feel silly for not seeing the panic coming, but I think that actually added to the experience and gave the book reread value. Being able to reread and see new things that you didn't see before is one of the most satisfying things, and I'm glad I got a chance to read this multiple times and find the subtle details.

But I don't want to get too specific since I'm going to talk about the panic scene more later, so let's backtrack and talk about Jayeon as a character. Jayeon is strong and confident, and I loved that scene where the bullies are picking on her and she's walking right by, but you can tell she gets more and more bothered throughout the night despite her initial tough exterior (then the panic scene was the cherry on top, but again, will talk in detail about that later). I loved how she acted so human and had flaws, struggles, negative traits, and positive traits. It made her feel well-rounded, which is a word you'll see a few more times throughout the review since you do a good job giving this book complicated emotions that make everyone and everything feel more human.

I will intermission here to say one small thing since I think it's important to talk about small things as well as big things: I like the cover and the title being simple and to the point. The cover matches the title and the overall tone of the book, and it's visually appealing. I know that's a small thing, but still worth mentioning since presentation is important to drawing readers in, though it's the story that keeps them, so I'll jump back into the core elements now.

Another one of my favorite parts of the book is Jungkook's growing infatuation and the way he goes about his feelings for Jayeon. His thoughts that range from this is wrong and I shouldn't be thinking this to intrusive and I can't help it to sweet and innocent and more. His thoughts are very well-rounded and accurately sum up the feelings of a boy falling for someone.

In general, Jungkook is a great male lead who has clear traits. Both Jayeon and him have clear traits and personalities that make them stand out from one another, but it's also clear they have a form of connection that will only grow as the story continues.

I like how adulthood is handled in this story. It isn't black and white. It isn't just straight awfulness with crappy bills and taxes and gas and all the "fun" parts about being an adult, but it isn't just freedom and independence either. Like I mentioned earlier, the term "well-rounded" will appear throughout this review since you give the book a well-rounded feel. The characters are well-rounded, the themes are, and the world of adulthood isn't one thing or the other. It's a variety of emotions and issues that everyone deals with upon entering the dreaded adult phase of their lives. As a young adult myself, it's interesting to see many of the emotions I've dealt with lately appearing in this book, like the urge to go to a reunion and convince myself I don't care what my old classmates think, but deep down, I do. So I like how adulthood is handled as this complex thing and not just freedom or bills or one other thing. It's complicated.

The last thing I want to talk about is the realistic depiction of mental health issues, mostly with panic attacks. Earlier I said I'd talk more about the panic attack Jayeon goes through, so here's where I want to do it. Like I mentioned in the previous section, adulthood is treated realistically, and so are mental health issues. The panic attack in chapter 4 where Jayeon repeats I have to go in her mind over and over again is intriguing and had me feeling awful for the poor girl. I loved the way her senses were blurry but heightened at the same time, and you did a good job incorporating all of the senses to show how overwhelmed she was as she desperately tried to escape. It's a great scene that sets the tone for the rest of the book while also establishing an important piece of Jayeon's character. I'm glad you decided to shed a light on panic attacks and how they truly impact someone, especially if they're out at a social event while having one. It was a strong depiction of mental health, and I can always appreciate it when an author takes mental health and raises awareness about it in a realistic way.

All in all, Infatuation's strongest part is its thought-provoking storytelling elements and the way Jungkook and Jayeon interact with each other, and I mean that in both the way they directly interact, and the way they think about one another even when they're not together. Overall, you did a great job with this!

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What Didn't Work:

I have two grammatical suggestions and two creative suggestions.

The grammar is a little inconsistent throughout the story. In the first chapter, the grammar is pretty solid and I didn't notice many errors. The rest of the book varies. The grammar is overall definitely above average and good, though there were far more mistakes in the chapters after chap 1, and the way you wrote was a little inconsistent as well. For example, chapter 4 has a bunch of semicolons when the previous chapters didn't. The chapters that came after it didn't either. It was just that chapter, so I was a little confused by the sudden overuse of semicolons when they were rarely, if ever, used before and after that chapter.

Moving into more specific grammar stuff, some of the sentences are a bit awkward. For example, from chapter 4: "Is there something over my face?" I think you meant "on," not "over," since the "over" is unnatural and doesn't make sense for that sentence. Another example is chapter 2 with: "His hand dropped around Taemin's shoulder making him confuse..." I think you meant: "His hand dropped around Taemin's shoulder, making him confused..." since otherwise "confuse" is unnatural. So that's what I mean when I say some of the sentences are a little awkward and I'd suggest editing them and/or plugging them through grammar checkers to help smoothen the grammar whenever needed.

I'll give one of my two creative suggestions now: consider using less adverbs. Adverbs are telling over showing, so the more you use, the more telling over showing you're doing. Another reason I'm bringing this up is because authors who use a lot of adverbs also tend to reuse the same adverbs multiple times per chapter. For example, in chapter 5, you use about 35 adverbs, and many of them are "quickly," "gently," and "swiftly." I'd recommend downsizing as much as possible. It's okay to use adverbs here and there, though a general "rule" is no more than one adverb per 300 words. I put rule in quotes because it depends on context and how you're using the adverb(s). So, long story short, I suggest using less adverbs. My general suggestion for this would be to consider loading the text into Google Docs and/or Word and using the find and replace tool to look up ly. From there, consider deleting some of the words ending in -ly.

Back into grammar, let's talk about dialogue. There are tag errors. The errors come from missing end punctuation. Dialogue needs end punctuation when you're using tags. For example: "Chill man we still have 2 days" Taemin muttered.

What I'd recommend: "Chill, man. We still have two days," Taemin muttered.

I made minor changes to the sentence itself for more fluidity, but the main focus is on the comma at the end of the "days." That's what I'm talking about. In chapters 1 and 6, you consistently use end punctuation, but for 2-5, it's inconsistent, which is why I'm recommending making sure the end punctuation is consistent.

I saved dialogue for last since my second creative suggestion has to do with using actions as dialogue tags. I would suggest not using actions (chuckled, smiled, shrugged, etc.) as dialogue tags. This is because they look very unnatural and can imply something you don't mean. By that I mean, when you say something like this: "Hey," he smiled, it implies that the word "Hey" is smiling because a dialogue tag tags the dialogue, not the person. So that's why it's recommended to do something like this:

He smiled. "Hey."

Or: "Hey." He smiled.

It's a small fix, but it drastically changes the implications of the sentence. Like I said, tags are for dialogue, not people. Words can be said, asked, shouted, etc., but words can't smile, laugh, shrug, etc. By using actions as tags, you're implying the words are being smiled. You can smile, laugh, shrug, etc. while talking, but the words themselves can't do that. So another alternative could be this: "Hey," he said with a smile. The presence of "with" makes the tag natural. I hope all that makes sense!

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Summary:

- Jayeon pleasantly surprised me

- Jungkook's infatuation is engaging

- Interesting take on adulthood

- Realistic depictions of mental health issues

- Inconsistent grammar

- Dialogue tag errors

- Consider using less adverbs

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Overall:

Infatuation is an engaging fanfic that commentates on infatuation, mental health issues, and adulthood. The dynamic between Jayeon and Jungkook, the two protagonists, will keep you hooked throughout the entire story. If you're someone who likes fanfics that are more than they seem on the surface, then this is the perfect book for you.

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Thank you for submitting your book. If you have any questions or would like any additional reviews when the shop reopens, please let me know.

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I'm going to start leaving this new note at the end of all reviews since Wattpad removed pms.

If you would like to keep in contact with me and ask me for more feedback on your work, I have a Discord server for all readers, writers, and friends. I'll leave a link in the inline comment here for anyone who would like to join.