Intro:

Eyes Around Us was written by layvxy. Taking place in prestigious all-girl school named Rosewood Academy, a woman named Kiara is forcefully involved in a murder case following the death of one of her friends. After banding together with Eden, Kiara, whose father is a policeman, must solve the murder while also dodging the prying questions of the person who raised her and knows her better than anyone.

~~~

Detailed Feedback

What Worked:

I'll start with the small things, then I'll work my way into the bigger ones.

This is very small, but I like the names in the story, like Imani. I wrote a character named Kimani once, so maybe I'm biased since that's similar, but I think Imani is a cool name. However, bias aside, I think it's important to give characters names that stand out and make sense for their character. Like Layla and Imani are nice names that make sense for them, same with Eden. The Garden of Eden could be a potential connection there, which is why it's cool to see unique character names. Even Kiara, which is a more common name (at least when compared to the others), serves its purpose and is memorable since you make it memorable.

Really small thing again, but I like the cover. It's a visually appealing cover that works perfectly for the story. I love the color scheme and the overall concept. It's very specific to this book and doesn't feel like it belongs anywhere else other than on Eyes Around Us, and that's a great trait for a book cover to have.

Another smaller thing, but thank you, thank you, thank you for writing a proper prologue. One of the most common errors I see are writers calling chapter 1 a "prologue," likely because it sounds fancier or because they don't know that prologues are not substitutes for chapter 1. Prologues and first chapters are extremely different, and you wrote a proper prologue. Not only that, but it was a pretty dang good prologue. I found myself curious to know what was going on right from the start, and I appreciated that. I love the use of first person, which is rare for me to say since I have a strong personal preference for third over first to the point where I don't buy books in first person anymore even if I'm really interested in them. In this book, I felt the first person did a great job establishing a close connection with the killer. It also effectively made me feel like anyone could be the "I." It's trippy, and I mean that in a good way. So good job with the prologue, and I really can't thank you enough for writing a proper prologue since it's so rare on Wattpad nowadays.

Now let's move into the core concepts. I like Eden and Kiara's dynamic. I think they work well as a buddy cop kind of duo where they're investigating and both have personal stakes in the case, and they also have strong reason to trust and not trust one another at the same time. What I mean by that is, Kiara and Eden are potential suspects since they're close to Violet, so they can go back and forth between trusting one another because they're potential suspects but also the best ones to solve the case because of their emotional involvement. It creates tension since you never know what can happen between them, making their dynamic more entertaining to watch unfold.

I like the smaller details you add to the story to make it pop more. I like the overall mystery and how Kiara is involved in it, and part of that is due to the specific detail. For example, you give specific names to cars, foods, and places. That may seem like a small thing, but it's not. Most authors on Wattpad don't do this and instead give general, vague descriptions. You give us specific names and details to give the world more weight. When we don't have specific details, it's like the characters are floating in an empty white void in our imaginations, but you don't have this problem since you give us not only details to work with, but specific details to paint a clearer picture in our minds.

Lastly, I like Kiara as a protagonist. I like how you set her up as someone struggling to study, then when her friends come in and inform her about the murders, her mind is scrambled, and it's further scrambled by Violet being murdered. I think Violet being murdered is a turning point in Kiara's life outside of the obvious reason that her friend was murdered. I mean that she has lasting impacts on her mentality that aren't going to go away. For example, Violet never answered Kiara's calls. Later, in chapter 20, Kiara gets aggressive when people don't answer her calls. Of course she would feel that way. The last time someone didn't answer her calls, that person ended up being dead. It makes perfect sense for Kiara to react that way, and I think that was an excellent way to show her character change and how her mental state is fracturing the more she descends the rabbit hole that is the murder case. That's another example of the smaller details I mentioned earlier, only this relates to the characters, not the world. Small details are what make stories so special, and I encourage you to keep playing around with these details since you're already doing a great job bringing them to life.

All in all, Eyes Around Us provides an entertaining mystery complemented by an actual prologue (thank you) that has strong intrigue and will grip the reader. Throughout the entire runtime of the story, the narrative remains gripping and adds more suspenseful elements to keep the reader engaged. I personally liked the smaller details and Kiara the most, though there were many key takeaways that will appeal to general audiences. Overall, the mystery is solid, makes sense, and is supported by a strong cast + strong character dynamics!

~~~

What Didn't Work:

My suggestions are creative, so let's jump right into it.

I'll start with the first thing: pacing. Pacing is imperative, particularly at the beginning of the story so it can hook your reader in. I think chapters 1 and 2 could have been combined. Chapter 1 ends with Kiara going to sleep, and chapter 2 starts with Violet getting brutally murdered. Of the two, which sounds more interesting to end on? The murder. That's why I suggest cutting out some of the exposition from chapter 1 and instead having chapter 1 end with Kiara finding out her friend has been murdered, AKA combining parts of chapter 2 with chapter 1. This immediately sets the stakes for the story and acts as more of a hook for the audience. Instead of chapter 1 ending with Kiara closing her eyes and sleeping, now it ends with her world falling apart. Do you see why that'd be far more interesting? It gives the reader more reason to read. I hope that makes sense.

The next suggestion I have is to consider diversifying your word choice and using less adverbs. Adverbs are telling over showing, so the more you use, the more telling over showing you're doing. For example, in chapter 22, there are about 40 adverbs. Advice to go by to get started with lessening adverbs is to use no more than one adverb per 300 words. I disagree with this and suggest using no more than one adverb per 500-1,000 words or even less if you can help it, though for starting off, I'd suggest trying to follow the no more than one per 300 advice except in rare situations where it can be justified to use more than one. For example, I'm more forgiving toward adverbs in dialogue since humans often use adverbs in speech. But again, it's telling over showing, so be careful with how many you use. It's okay to use adverbs of course, it's more about overusing them, if that makes sense.

I bring that up because you also use the same adverbs. For example, "quickly" is overused. That's why I suggest considering diversifying the word choice in some areas.

You can do this by using Google Doc or Word. Plug the text into one of those programs if you haven't already and use the find and replace tool to look up ly. From there, consider replacing or removing words ending with -ly. However, keep in mind there are other adverbs like "very" and "just" (depending on context) that don't end in -ly, though most adverbs tend to end with -ly, hence why I'm recommending it.

Lastly, tone. Since this is a serious story, I suggest keeping the tone serious. Of course you can crack jokes and include positivity, though be careful with the timing of said jokes and positivity, and also the way you reveal information. For example, near the end of the first section in chapter 3, there's this:

This is right after Violet dies. Violet is Kiara's friend, and Kiara was just questioned by her own father about her involvement in Violet's death. It felt tonally inconsistent to go from Kiara's friend dying to making a joke about her chem teacher being "Mr. Snooze."

Another example is in chapter 1 where Layla reveals another student got murdered. This moment felt anti-climatic and not tonally consistent with the gravity of the situation.

Do you see how "Another student from the academy had been murdered" feels very casual? When I was in high school, one of the popular students had a seizure, and none of us knew the cause. He didn't die, but having one of the popular kids have a seizure annihilated the school atmosphere. That's a seizure. Serious, but not nearly as serious as murder, and my school fell into a depression from a seizure. Now imagine if someone had died. That's why I'd suggest giving us more of the school's atmosphere, and also not revealing the information so casually. Maybe Layla fiddles with her fingers while saying it, or she stutters, or she hesitates in the middle of speaking, or Imani has to walk off since she doesn't want to hear it again, or have a scene where crying cheerleaders walk by, etc. This is the inciting incident of the story, and that's why I'm recommending giving it more weight. Yes, Layla and Imani took a minute to tell Kiara, but it's only for three lines, and most of that was them surprised Kiara hadn't heard yet, not really them withholding the information on purpose. That's why I suggest slowing down to build more tension there and amp up the suspense as best you can by including more character descriptions, voice descriptions, body language, school atmosphere, etc. I hope all those suggestions make sense!

~~~

Summary:

- Small details like the cover and prologue are great

- Solid job with Kiara + Eden's dynamic

- The descriptions do a good job bringing the world to life

- Kiara is an engaging protagonist

- Be careful with pacing

- Be careful with tonal consistency

- Be careful with adverbs/repetitive word choice

~~~

Overall:

Eyes Around Us is an engaging mystery with plenty of strong traits to like about it. There are the small things, like the cool cover and interesting prologue, then the larger things like the great attention to detail and the engaging characters + character dynamics. If you're looking for an entertaining mystery, then this is the perfect book for you.

~~~

Thank you for submitting your book. If you have any questions or would like any additional reviews when the shop reopens, please let me know.

~~~

I'm going to start leaving this new note at the end of all reviews since Wattpad removed pms.

If you would like to keep in contact with me and ask me for more feedback on your work, I have a Discord server for all readers, writers, and friends. I'll leave a link in the inline comment here for anyone who would like to join.