Intro:

Crooked Hearts was written by MMDCraftyMice. This is an action-adventure story with elements of romance as well following characters like Alice, Arthur, Christian, Evander, Emrys, and more, though Alice is the central protagonist. There are many intense action scenes complemented by heavy drama that give each scene emotional weight.

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Detailed Feedback

What Worked:

I recently reviewed this story for the FN Awards, so I will try my best to find new things to talk about, or at least expand with more detail on old things, though, naturally, some things will intersect, and I apologize about that. Still, I hope this review is helpful and at least fun to read!

I gave a brief rundown of the characters in my initial review, but now I have the chance to get more specific on why I liked Alice. I'd say Alice is one of the strongest parts of the book due to her characterization, genuine struggles, and clear motivations that dictate her choices throughout the narrative. Although there are many characters in the book, Alice gets the most screentime and attention to detail, and I think that works in her favor since she sways the plot in the direction it needs to go. All of that is to say she works as a central protagonist and does a good job hooking the reader into the story.

I liked Alice since the beginning, but I think the scene that sold me on her happened in episode 9 at the beginning when she argues with the Captain. The argument is more tense rather than explosive, and I think that's a good thing. While the Captain does shout at her at one point, the eerie calm but tenseness in their voices that builds to the Captain shouting at her was well done, and Alice's dialogue in that scene along with her internal monologue made me more attached to her.

Like I just mentioned, all the characters have clear motivations, but that applies the most to Alice, who always has her eyes on the mission and is trying her best to make the City genuinely a better place, even at the risk of her own life. She believes what she's doing is right, and when in the military, it's hard to follow that belief due to all the strict rules and regulations. Still, she does it, and that's why I liked her so much.

The world is another element of the book that I think works well. The whole lore surrounding the military and the enforcers, the Outer District, the City, etc. all feels so interesting to learn about. While I did have some critiques for the descriptions in the awards, I still think they're very strong and do a fantastic job setting the scene and getting the reader ready for what's to come. All in all, the worldbuilding is one of my favorite parts, and I think you executed it well.

This is somewhat related to the world, but more about the general vibe of the book and how you display the life these characters are living. I think you do a good job showing us the more casual, down-to-earth moments. For example, there are many explosive action scenes, like the fight near the end of chapter 2 and the entire opening chapter. Then there are the quieter moments, like the bar scene from chapter 15 where Emrys is with the others taking care of bruises and just talking about what's going on.

It may seem like a small thing, but A) the small things matter, and B) I don't think it's really that small considering it drastically impacts the pacing and how the readers feel about these characters. By slowing down to show us the casual conversations and how these characters spend their free time with one another, it makes not only the world and characters feel more realistic, but also the entire book. It makes it feel like these people are people and not just in a book being commanded by an author. It makes it feel like these relationships and people don't cease to exist just because they aren't on screen, and this is because we know how they spend their time. You show us who they are in effective ways that aren't too long or short, and they occur at the best times to keep the pacing solid and keep the reader invested.

Lastly, while on the topic of engagement, I think you do a great job starting your chapters. For example, you start the first chapter strongly with an interesting and thought-provoking description. All the other chapters feature intriguing openings that hook the reader right in. One of my favorite openings is from episode 18 with Nana. I love the way you explain how the building is abandoned and how the lanterns look. Having hooking openings is imperative to keeping a reader's interest, and you did an awesome job sucking readers right in.

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What Didn't Work:

I said it in my first review, but I'll be more specific here: sometimes the sentences got a little long and felt like they needed to be broken up more. I'm not sure if I used an example in my review, so I'll use an example here: the first paragraph. The first paragraph is only two sentences but about seven lines according to my laptop. It's fine to have long sentences, though sometimes they're long because they need punctuation tweaks.

With that being said, I love the description in the first paragraph and think it does a good job setting the stage. It's a solid opening that sets the tone and location immediately, which is awesome. All I recommend is considering breaking it up a bit and playing around with the punctuation.

Here's the entire first paragraph: Marching through the narrow path, surrounded by mountain slopes and trees as my boots squelch through the sticky and muddy ground, rainwater from last night's storm cling to the earth. I look up at the sky but see nothing but thick canopies that allow only a handful of light to pierce through, their leaves like a thousand eyes staring down at me obscured by mists, mists that slithers around us like trails of ghosts, Thick and suffocating.

Here's one alternative: Marching through the narrow path, surrounded by mountain slopes and trees, my boots squelch through the sticky and muddy ground as rainwater from last night's storm clings to the earth. I look up at the sky but see nothing but thick canopies that allow only a handful of light to pierce through. Their leaves are like a thousand eyes staring down at me, obscured by mists—mists that slither around us like trails of ghosts.

I broke it up a bit more and reworded a few things, but the core of it is the same. The only thing I really removed was the "thick and suffocating" since A) you already used the word "thick," and B) the description was getting a little long and I felt trimming it could be beneficial. That's just one alternative, but there are literally limitless ways to write this, so I encourage you to play around with it and see what works best for your style!

Make sure you're using articles (a/an/the) when they're needed. For example: "Though he is handsome with good jawline...". There needs to be an "a" before "good" and after "with." This didn't happen too often, though, so it's not a big deal but still something worth mentioning.

The descriptions are overall good, though I'd like to offer a new suggestion I noticed upon reading again. The descriptions include some really interesting moments of strong word choice, but there were a couple words I felt were out of place. For example: "...a sharp pain in my chest as an arrow caught me." I don't think the word "caught" works to capture the severity of the situation. Maybe pierced, struck, impaled, punctured, etc. You may want to consider tweaking the word choice here and there so it matches the tone of the scene more. You don't need to go over-the-top or anything, but consider some tweaks here and there.

The last thing I want to mention is consider using less adverbs. For example, in chapter 2, after doing a brief scan over the text to look for adverbs, I found 28, and that's just from a brief scan. With the chapter being seven pages, that means there's at least four adverbs per page, which can get repetitive since adverbs are telling over showing and are, more often than not, not necessary. So what I'd recommend is considering plugging the text into Word or Google Docs and searching up -ly. From there, consider deleting a bunch of words ending with -ly. I'm not saying never use adverbs or that they're bad to use, but consider using less so there's less telling over showing. Maybe try and shorten it to 20 adverbs instead of 28. I hope that makes sense.

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Summary:

- Alice is an engaging protagonist

- Cool and well-described world

- Good job slowing down and capturing the vibe of the characters/world

- Chapters start in gripping ways

- Some sentences get a little long and could benefit from being broken up

- Consider tweaking some descriptions

- Consider using less adverbs

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Overall:

Crooked Hearts is an action-packed adventure with many moments of strong emotions and romantic tension that will keep you on your toes. With a strong protagonist and an interesting world, Crooked Hearts delivers on a fun adventure. If you are someone looking for a new action-adventure that won't take too long to read, then Crooked Hearts is perfect for you.

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Thank you for submitting your book. If you have any questions or would like any additional reviews when the shop reopens, please let me know.

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I'm going to start leaving this new note at the end of all reviews since Wattpad removed pms.

If you would like to keep in contact with me and ask me for more feedback on your work, I have a Discord server for all readers, writers, and friends. I'll leave a link in the inline comment here for anyone who would like to join.