Intro:

Broken Bonds was written by Emapilid. It is a BTS fanfiction following main characters Jeon Jungkook and Kim Taehyung after their once-close bond is fractured. However, Jungkook still adores Taehyung and wants him back in his life, leading to a journey full of anger, potential forgiveness, and conflicting emotions.

~~~

Detailed Feedback

What Worked:

I'll start with the small things, then I'll make my way up to the larger ones.

This is a very small thing, but I liked how Jimin repeated "kit" and "kitty" over and over again when he was drunk. I'm not sure if this "kitty" is a person or an actual cat that Jimin loves, but either way, it's cute, and it also adds a nice moment of levity after a tense scene with Jungkook. If this is setting up something with Jimin's character later, I think that's good too, but even if it isn't, it's a nice moment that's a small detail but a cute one nonetheless.

Another small thing, but I liked how attentive and caring Taehyung was with Jimin in chapter 3. It was a cute scene that, again, gave a nice moment of positivity after some tense scenes between Tae and Jungkook. It also fits Taehyung's personality. Tae is super caring, especially toward Jimin. It's fiction so it obviously doesn't have to reflect the real world in any way, but it's nice to see some real life traits of Taehyung make it into the book. It's a small detail, but the small details matter, and those details are what make books feel more complex and emotional, so good job with that.

I also like how Jungkook is handled so far. I think he's showing signs of obsession with Taehyung where he's starting to get unhealthily attached to Tae, and I'm curious to see where that goes. I'm curious to see Taehyung's reaction to Jungkook's growing obsession, and Jimin's, too. Jungkook is both likable and unlikable at the same time, which is a good thing since it makes readers conflicted. I'll talk more about that in the paragraph below this one, but Jungkook is interesting because he goes back and forth so much. One minute he's calm and staring at Taehyung, the next he's breaking glasses. It makes him unpredictable, and I mean that in a good way. He kinda reminds me of Homelander since he's very unpredictable and can snap at any moment, making every second with him on screen tense since you never know what he's going to do next. That's pretty much a long way of saying I think Jungkook is interesting so far.

Another thing is how there was clearly a fracture in the Taekook relationship, but most of the reason why they're split is hidden so far, and I think it was a good decision to have the core reason why they're at odds with one another be hidden in the shadows. It conflicts the audience with how to feel. Jungkook clearly states what happened was an accident, and if that's true, it's easy to feel bad for him because he's in pain. On the other hand, he's also a bit psycho and yelling a lot at his employees over minor things, so readers feel conflicted about what to think about him. I think that's a good thing since it challenges readers and their emotions while they're reading. It makes the story more engaging as a result.

Lastly, the character dynamics in general are good and do a solid job introducing the audience to the characters. It's very early in the story, so it's too soon for me to comment on their character arcs/journeys, but based on what you're setting up so far, I like what you have here and I think the dynamics support that. I love the way Vmin interact as I mentioned before, but I also like them as individuals. Both of them are likable characters. I also like the dynamic between Taekook even though it's a hostile one. I like how Jungkook sent a driver to pick Taehyung up and drive him home safely. It shows how far the bond between them has broken since now Tae won't even take a safe ride home from Jungkook and needs a different driver (who he doesn't know was sent by Jungkook) to do it. It adds more layers to the narrative to make it more complex and unique.

All in all, Broken Bonds has a promising start that I hope will be expanded upon in the future. It features promising characters and an equally promising premise that will give readers complex emotions and conflicting thoughts. I hope more of the Taekook bond is fleshed out later since there's an intriguing foundation here. Overall, it works well and I think it'll work even better as more chapters get uploaded. 

~~~

What Didn't Work:

I'll start with grammatical things, then I'll get into the creative suggestions.

This is a small thing but still worth mentioning since it happened quite a few times: make sure you're consistently capitalizing Jungkook. There were many times you lowercase it and say jungkook despite it being a proper noun. Like in chapter one, near the beginning of the chapter you spell his name lowercase three times in a row. You also frequently lowercase Jimin and Jungkook in chapter 2 as well. It's really not a big deal, but still worth mentioning since the capitalization was inconsistent.

The second thing I want to mention is your dialogue is formatted incorrectly. You're writing a book; however, you format dialogue in script format, not book format. I'm a film major, so I study scripts and understand the appeal of them, though I very strongly recommend not using script format in book format, especially as a hybrid between book and script format. I'd recommend either doing fully book format or fully script format. Since you have an emphasis on descriptions, I'd suggest going fully book format.

What I mean is you write dialogue like this:

Jimin: Do you know all eyes were on you when you are dancing.. (said with a wink)

This is script format, but it's also incorrect script format. When we write using script format, we do not use dialogue tags, and the ( ) is typically used before the dialogue, not after (except in some rare situations depending on context). Script format would look like this:

JIMIN:

(With a wink)

Did you know all eyes were on you when you were dancing?

That's proper script format. That's why I'm recommending using book format, or this:

"Did you know all eyes were on you when you were dancing?" he said with a wink.

That ^^ is book format and what I'm suggesting since it fits in better with the narrative and is easier to read. I hope that makes sense.

Moving into the bigger things and creative suggestions, let's start with repetition, then we'll get into telling over showing.

The story is short so far. It only has a ten minute read time with the chapters all being under five minutes long. That's perfectly fine and there's nothing wrong with that, but what it does mean is that when you repeat things, it's far more noticeable. What I mean by this is if you go through the first chapter, you'll notice it's repeated several times that Jungkook is longing and envious. Individually, there's nothing wrong with repeating specific descriptions here and there, though when you use the same sentence structures/descriptions multiple times in a 2-minute chapter, it's definitely noticeable.

For example, Jungkook is described as envious and longing multiple times. I suggest dialing back on how often you describe him the same way. Consider diversifying the descriptions to include different emotions or show the same emotions in different ways. Instead of outright saying he's envious, show that through character descriptions/actions. Even if it's cliche or something used a lot, like balling his fists up or clenching his jaw, it's at least showing the emotions now. I'm not saying you never do this because you do, but consider doing it more, which leads me to my next point: telling over showing. 

There are many times you tell the audience what the characters are feeling. We know when Jungkook is lonely, envious, feeling out of place, angry, etc. You'll tell us "Jungkook felt envious" or "Jungkook felt angry." That's what I meant in the last paragraph when I said consider showing these emotions instead of telling them. It's called the 2 + 2 = 4 equation of writing. This equation is a metaphor for telling over showing versus showing over telling. 

Why do readers read? We read to imagine things and draw our own conclusions. That's why every single person who reads your story will have a different interpretation of it. That's where 2 + 2 = 4 comes. In this equation, think of 2 + 2 as showing and 4 as telling. Think of 2 + 2 as "Jungkook smiled" and 4 as "Jungkook was happy." If you give the audience 4, or "Jungkook was happy," now they know the answer and don't have to work for it. They don't have to solve 2 + 2 to get 4. If you give them 2 + 2, or "Jungkook smiled," now you're giving the audience showing. You're giving them 2 + 2 so they can solve the equation on their own.

That's a long way of saying readers want to solve the equation, not be told what the answer is. Even if the answer is as simple as 4, or "Jungkook was happy," it's more engaging to give them 2 + 2 than 4. AKA: 2 + 2 lets readers solve the book for themselves, but 4 is giving them the answer.

To simplify it further, telling is fine to use in some cases. In fact, every writer needs to do telling over showing sometimes, but any area you can limit it is recommended so readers have more chance to figure out character emotions on their own. Readers want to figure it out, so the more you tell them the character emotions instead of showing them, the less engaged they'll be. That's why I recommend doing more showing over telling. ProWritingAid has an excellent article on showing over telling and how to do it. I'll leave a link here if you're interested in looking more into this topic.

I hope all those suggestions made sense!

~~~

Summary:

- Nice small details

- Jungkook is handled well so far

- Interesting emotional dilemma for readers

- Intriguing character dynamics

- Be careful with capitalization and script format

- Be careful with repetitive descriptions

- Be careful with telling over showing

~~~

Overall:

Broken Bonds is short so far and a worthwhile read if you're looking for a new BTS fanfiction that focuses on character dynamics and conflicting emotions. Taehyung, Jimin, and Jungkook are the main characters, and each of them have their own personalities to fall in love with. If you want to read about complex characters, then this is the perfect book for you.

~~~

Thank you for submitting your book. If you have any questions or would like any additional reviews when the shop reopens, please let me know.

~~~

I'm going to start leaving this new note at the end of all reviews since Wattpad removed pms.

If you would like to keep in contact with me and ask me for more feedback on your work, I have a Discord server for all readers, writers, and friends. I'll leave a link in the inline comment here for anyone who would like to join.