Intro:

Beyond The Gaze: A Love Unseen was written by arlenerae. It follows main characters Elysian and Ares, two people who have a complicated past together, though for different reasons. Elysian loved Ares, but Ares thought Elysian was part of the reason love didn't work for him. When their paths cross again in modern times, how are they going to work together?

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Detailed Feedback

What Worked:

The element that impressed me most about this book was the unrequited love and how it was handled. I was surprised at how maturely it was handled and how Elysian wasn't really bitter but more sad on Ares' behalf upon hearing he had an unrequited love like her. It showed how strong Elysian actually is. However, it goes beyond that. Unrequited love is a complex, difficult emotion. Not only is it difficult to deal with, but it's difficult to write about, at least in an accurate way. In this book, I believe you wrote about it accurately and depicted it in a mature, realistic way.

It isn't just "Oh she loved him." She can't even bring herself to face him despite being desperate to take care of her mother, and he's the way she can get the money required to keep her safe and (somewhat) treated. She gets nervous, she has quiet moments where she reflects on her feelings for him, she feels warmth and love, she feels stupid for ever loving him, etc. In simple terms: sis goes through it. Elysian has countless emotions that make the theme of love feel so powerful and impactful throughout the entire narrative, and there were moments I was genuinely scared for Ares and Elysian due to the tension between them, which is only possible because you did such a good job setting up their different takes/emotions on love early on in the story, making the later chapters more emotional as a result.

While on the topic of Elysian, I was also surprised by how much I liked her. A lot of characters in modern Wattpad books end up being really hard to get attached to since they're constantly OOC or they have cliche personalities that I'm tired of seeing; however, Elysian does not have this problem. If anything, she's the opposite.

Like I said in my first point, she's mature about finding out Ares had an unrequited love. She even acknowledges that she should feel jealous and annoyed, but she's sad for him instead, which goes to show what kind of person she is. I don't think I can overstate just how crucial this moment is. It's early in the story when we're first getting to know who she is, and instead of the typical female lead getting all annoyed, she's sad on his behalf and takes the mature route. She's an adult, and she acts like it. Too many stories, both on Wattpad and off it, make the characters act like children or immature. Elysian has defined personality traits and maturity, and not just in the way she handles the unrequited love. She's genuinely good at her job. Pretty damn good.

She's able to get everything done, and not only that, but get it done without needing to be told by Ares what to do. She's experienced and shows that experience through her organization skills and efficiency. That may seem like a small thing to praise, but I like it when characters have special skills and are good at things, and beyond that, I like it when other characters aren't too petty and acknowledge it. Despite Ares having a bad impression of her based on their high school days, he admits her work was clean and efficient. That adds to Ares as a character and makes me like him. Both of them have their flaws, but they're not immature and can actually acknowledge good when they see it. In a romance book, that kind of stuff is integral to getting me to care about the characters.

This may seem like a strange thing to say, but every character has a certain amount of aura to them, but particularly Ares. Okay, that probably sounds weird, so let me explain. I spent a lot of time talking about Elysian, but I also want to go into Ares and how he has a strong aura to him. You can feel his personality even if he's not present in the scene. The way the other characters talk about/describe him reminds me a bit of John Wick.

Okay, not in the sense that he kills people, but in the way it's handled. 

One of my favorite parts of John Wick is how they set up the character of John himself. The other characters speak about him in hushed voices and share the stories of him killing three men in a bar with a pencil. "A f*cking pencil," in their words. He has a strong aura and personality because we get to see how he impacts the world and other characters, and in this novel, Ares has a similar feel where the other characters talk about him in a way that sets up who he is as a person. It's like he's an omnipresent force that's always there even if you can't see him, and I love that. I love it when characters are so impactful that it feels like they never stop being on screen.

The last thing I'd like to talk about is the pacing. I have one suggestion for the pacing at the beginning of the story (like literally just the first two chapters), but this story has 60+ chapters, so that's a very minor thing when the rest of the book has overall good pacing. Plot events and character moments unfold at natural rates, and there is always something happening that keeps the book moving. In other words, it doesn't feel too slow or too fast. I never felt like it was inconsistent or it dragged on in any areas.

To summarize, I think the character work and themes are the two strong suits of this story, and that is further amplified by the solid pacing that gives the audience the time to digest what's happening while also keeping the plot moving. I think you did a great job with this story, and I had a fun time reading it. It made me think, which is rare on Wattpad. I love it when books can make me think.

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What Didn't Work:

I want to get the nitpicks/grammatical stuff out of the way first before I get into my three main criticisms. Nitpick one is consider using less A names. I don't know if there's a specific reason why there's so many, but in chapter 1 alone, there are seven names that start with A. It's already hard enough to keep up with the around 10+ characters mentioned in chapter 1, let alone if seven of them have the same letter starting their name. Again, that's a nitpick, but something to consider. It can also make the names feel repetitive. There's Atlas, Ares, Adira, Aiden, Alfred, Aaron, etc.

Another nitpick is the cover. When I first saw the cover, I thought this was going to be a romance/fantasy. Not only does the cover give fantasy vibes, but there's also a castle in the background. I actually really like the cover and think it's beautiful, but for a story taking place in the modern era with little connection to anything fantastical, I'm not sure it makes sense for this book and might work better for a romance/fantasy. Again, that's a nitpick since it's a pretty cover, but still something worth mentioning.

As for grammar, the one error I'll mention is dialogue tags. Make sure you are tagging the right person who's speaking. Remember if you use a comma after dialogue, it implies whatever comes next is the tag. Here's an example from chapter 62: "...Mr. Knight from this moment on, and if you did," I stared at his eyes...

The "I stared at his eyes" is implied to be the dialogue tag, but that's impossible because the "I" isn't the one who's speaking, so this shouldn't be a tag but rather an action. The only thing you have to do to fix this is make the comma a period.

In general, I'd very strongly recommend never using actions like that as tags. The reason is because they're called dialogue tags, not people tags, so they tag the words, not the humans. By using "I stared at his eyes" as a tag, you're implying the words are the ones doing the staring because the tags relate to how words are behaving. That's why "said/asked" are the preferred tags because those are easy tags to digest and make the most sense for spoken language, but words can't stare. Words can't smile, laugh, chuckle, nod, etc., and that's why most authors, myself included, advise against using actions like those (i.e., he smiled, he laughed, she chuckled, etc.) as tags.

Moving into a more core criticism, be careful with telling over showing through exclamation points, and make sure you're using exclamation points very purposefully. They're telling over showing, so the more you use them, the more telling over showing you're doing. One of my English teachers said something that stuck with me: exclamation marks should only be used for big moments like "I'm pregnant!"

To give an example, from chapter 2: "Don't force me, please!" I said softly.

The exclamation mark contradicts the adverb, though we will get into adverbs later. To focus on the exclamation mark, how is the "I" saying anything softly if there are exclamation marks? That's very contradictory, hence why I recommend either not having the ! or not having the "softly" adverb. So just be careful with how you're using exclamation marks and making sure they're purposeful and contribute to what the scene is trying to say. It's okay to use exclamation marks and I'm not saying don't, but when you do, ask yourself what it's doing and if it's necessary.

The second core criticism is similar: be careful with adverbs. Later in the story, you use less, like in the mid-60 chapter range, but you still use a bunch of adverbs that are, in my opinion, unnecessary. Adverbs, like exclamation marks, are telling over showing, so any area you can limit unnecessary telling over showing could strengthen the emotions present in the scene. For example, adverbs like "immediately" and "slightly" are overused, which is not only a word choice issue, but a telling over showing one as well.

What I'd recommend is going through your text and plugging it into Word or Google Docs. From there, use the find & replace tool to look up ly. Maybe try to remove 50-70% of the words ending with -ly and finding new ways to describe what's going on. Instead of saying "immediately," describe the urgency and use stronger verbs (like if you're saying they "immediately got into a conversation," maybe say "dove into a conversation" instead) to give the sentences more weight. It's a good practice to get into using less adverbs since using them practices telling over showing, and as I said above, any area you can eliminate unnecessary telling over showing could be beneficial.

Like this from chapter 63: "I nodded understandingly...". What is the "understandingly" doing for the sentence? In my opinion, it's not doing anything, so that's an adverb that can be removed. A nod already implies understanding, so that adverb is unnecessary telling over showing.

That's not to say never use adverbs. I myself use them here and there, but here and there. That's why I suggest downsizing as much as you can, that way emotions will have more pop. It's more emotionally impactful when you're showing over telling, so that's why I'm focusing so much on the exclamation marks and the adverbs.

The last criticism I have is to consider restructuring the story. By that I mean, while there is good pacing like I mentioned earlier, the first three chapters could benefit from some tightening. By first three, I mean the prologue, chap 1, and chap 2. Chapter 2 is a flashback, then there's a flashback within the flashback, and the prologue isn't really a proper prologue since it's just a future scene put first in the story. Chapter 2's flashback was a proper prologue. It takes place in the past and perfectly sets up Elysian's love for Ares, and, by extension, sets up the core relationship in the story.

So what I'm recommending is changing it so the prologue is that flashback in chapter 2. It sets up the core relationship and takes place in the past like most prologues do, so it works out. It will also stop you from having a flashback within a flashback. Having chap 2 already be a flashback then flash back even further can be confusing for the pacing, so that's why I'm recommending it. That's just something to consider since I felt the flashback in chapter 2 was more of a prologue than the prologue. I hope that makes sense.

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Summary:

- Interesting take on unrequited love

- Elysian is an interesting/engaging character

- Good job setting up the characters + their aura

- Solid pacing

- Some nitpicks about the presentation of the story/grammar errors

- Be careful with telling over showing (! and adverbs)

- Consider rearranging the structure of the story

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Overall:

Beyond The Gaze: A Love Unseen tells a compelling tale about what love means and how it takes different forms, some of which not pretty, others beautiful. If you are someone who enjoys reading stories following complex human emotions presented in unique ways, then this is the story for you.

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Thank you for submitting your book. If you have any questions or would like any additional reviews when the shop reopens, please let me know.

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I'm going to start leaving this new note at the end of all reviews since Wattpad removed pms.

If you would like to keep in contact with me and ask me for more feedback on your work, I have a Discord server for all readers, writers, and friends. I'll leave a link in the inline comment here for anyone who would like to join.