Introduction:

Behold! My Difficult Roommate was written by Harmoniculus. The story follows the protagonist, Kai, as he navigates a mystery where women are disappearing. At the same time, he is also dealing with identity and familial problems, most notably with his father, who puts an insane amount of pressure and stress on him to take over the business.

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Detailed Feedback

What Worked:

I was engaged in Kai's story. I found his personality intriguing and fun to watch unfold. He has clear traits, likes, and dislikes that make him easy to relate to and get invested in. His social anxiety is depicted very well and also very clearly. When characters have clear traits, it makes investing ourselves in their stories far more exciting, and you do a good job making Kai clear and complex at the same time.

Kai is a complex protagonist dealing with a lot of stress from his father. It's like his mother is the angel on his shoulder while his father is the devil, and I appreciate how you incorporated that angel-devil dynamic into the story. Kai thinks less of himself because of his father, but his mother uplifts him and encourages him to follow his dream.

It's also interesting to see a story where not only is there a parent genuinely trying to make their kid's life better, but also one where one parent isn't scared to stand up to the other. Kai's mother stands up for him on numerous occasions, which is very surprising. I'm used to seeing stories where either both parents are bad or the parents are too scared to stand up for their kid.

You did a good job raising questions in the beginning of the story. Right off the bat, I found myself wondering what Kai had against going to the party. Not only the party, but Steph's party. The text heavily implied there was history there, which piqued my interest and got me engaged. It acted as an interesting hook that made me want to know what happened between the two, and also why Kai hates parties.

The scenes where Kai is playing music or describing the feeling of playing music are very well done. I love the way Kai transforms into a seemingly new person when he's in the zone and thinking about his passion. The text feels like it becomes a river flowing so perfectly, and nothing can interrupt the flow. It shows how much Kai loves music and how important it is to him that he goes to France to study his passion.

The mystery surrounding the narrative is cool so far. It's sad that right before Kai is about to apply for a French college and go pursue his passion, he's caught up in this mystery where he's getting texts from an unknown number. It's also a realistic mystery, based on what the text has provided so far. I can believe this type of mystery would happen in real life, and I can believe that an innocent bystander such as Kai would be involved. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time, which makes him feel more relatable.

Jaime is interesting so far and I can't wait to see more of him in future chapters. I want to know more about his motivation and personality. In the short time we've known him, he's caught my eye as someone who has more layers to him than he shows. For example, in the bonus chapter, he's nervous and uses music to bring himself confidence.

Seeing as Kai also uses music as a way to ease his mind, this sets up a potential link between them, even though they have a different taste in music. It may seem like a small thing, but having hobbies in common can make romances feel more believable and natural. They both have something they like to use to escape, and it'd be interesting to see how that plays out in future chapters.

The story has an overall fun feel to it. It has entertaining moments and cute dialogue interactions that make it an enjoyable and easy read. The chapter lengths are pretty good and have enough in them that they don't feel like filler or anything like that, which is why I said this story is an easy read that is easily understandable.

Despite there being humor and fun, there are still emotional beats and a deeper message to unpack. The story has a balance of maturity mixed with comic relief that doesn't feel tonally inconsistent.

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What Didn't Work:

Most of my suggestions are grammatical/technical.

I would strongly suggest limiting the usage of all caps. All caps are telling over showing, hard to read, and it feels like you (the author) are screaming at the reader instead of the characters screaming. All caps doesn't happen too often, and I was okay with some uses of it because of the humor in the book, but for future reference, I'd suggest only using all caps for very specific purposes, such as comedic purposes. Even then, I'd suggest limiting them as much as possible.

There are tense issues where the tense flip flops between past and present tense incorrectly. I believe you are writing in past tense, but there are very frequent incorrect slips to the present tense. In past tense, present tense should be used in rare cases, such as direct, italicized character thoughts.

However, you could also be writing in present tense. You use present tense just as often as past tense, so I'm not sure your intentions. Either tense is fine, just make sure you're consistent with it.

Dialogue tags are done incorrectly. When you are using a tag, make sure the dialogue ends with anything other than a period. For example, from chapter 5, "My piano's already at the stage." He said in a gruff voice.

It should be: "My piano's already at the stage," he said in a gruff voice.

Unless it is a proper noun, the dialogue tag is always lowercase, even if the sentence ends with something other than a comma. So, for example, a proper tag would be: "Are you okay?" he asked. NOT: "Are you okay?" He asked.

Dialogue tags are continuations of the dialogue, which means the dialogue does not end the sentence but rather the tag does. Since the sentence continues with the tag, you only capitalize it if it's a proper noun, and you don't end dialogue with periods if you're using a tag after it. I hope that makes sense.

While on the topic of dialogue, sometimes you bunch it together. Make sure every new person speaking gets their own space. For example, sometimes you write dialogue like this: "Hi," Raven said. "Hey," he replied.

What it should be:

"Hi," Raven said.

"Hey," he replied.

Make sure every new person speaking gets their own space.

In my opinion, the confession happens a bit too quickly. Not in the sense that it happens too early in the story (I think it comes in at a good point, actually), but the scene itself comes and ends very fast. We get only a handful of sentences for something that has dominated Kai's mind for the entire first half of the story that is published thus far.

The scene before that was really well done. Like I mentioned earlier, those scenes where Kai is playing music are wonderfully described and super interesting. I would suggest adding that same level of detail to the confession scene since this is the emotional height of the story that's been published so far. I'd like to feel the build-up to Al's answer, then feel crushing disappointment alongside Kai when the response is finally revealed.

Long story short, I'd suggest giving that scene more detail to help us linger on the moment and understand what's going on in Kai's mind. We don't necessarily need to see his reaction to the answer right away (especially since it's in chapter 6), but the build up to the answer is important, if that makes sense.

This is more of a question than a criticism, but I'm a little confused about the title. Is it going to have more relevance when he goes to France? It's still early in the story which is why I am led to believe it will hold more significance later, but I'm curious to hear your thoughts and intentions with the title.

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Summary:

- Kai is an engaging protagonist

- Good job hooking the reader in

- Cool, descriptive music scenes

- The plot is interesting

- Jamie is mysterious and fun to read about

- Some grammar issues (tense issues, dialogue tags, all caps)

- I would suggest fleshing out the confession scene a bit more

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Overall:

Behold! My Difficult Roommate is a fun thriller story with an interesting mystery and a relatable protagonist. There are only ten chapters out right now, but all ten are nicely done and you should check them out and add this story to your library. I recommend this book to anyone looking for a romance that has an intriguing mystery at its core!

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Thank you for submitting your story. This was a very fun read and I'm glad I got the chance to read it. It's still pretty early on in the book, so I'd be curious to see what you do with the narrative in the future. I hope you keep writing it!

Please let me know if you have any questions about this review or if you need any additional reviews.