Review completed by Nikachu22. This review is for MonicaPrelooker's Haunter.

Main Focus: Grammar Please! Comment on plot, chars and flow will be welcomed too.

I was twenty-five back in the summer of 2023. Living in Boston, I had been waiting tables twelve hours a day for six months already while trying in vain to find a job that would allow me to make ends meet. I could not afford the rent alone, so I shared a tiny apartment in Jamaica Plain with two friends. By the end of June, ruthless math said my savings wouldn't last the summer.

I was wandering around, trying to clear my head and come up with a solution to my desperate situation, when my phone rang. Blocked number? Fine. I would vent out on the scammer who was risking selling me shit. Serves them well.

Stray from editing, but... She has a phone call about a document and tells the woman on the other line to give her a date and time and that she will be there, then shows up twenty minutes later. I suggest changing this dialogue here and having her say, "I can be there soon. Location please?"

This tells us she will go that day, which pushes the story forward. If she is asking for a date and time, then that means it's a plan for a later date.

Back to editing...

I let out a sigh as my eyes slide to the window. Ready to wait a couple of hours until the big shot in a suit had a minute to waste on the poor girl in worn jeans and sneakers.

I rearranged the first part of the sentence just to help with the word and that often gets repeated in writing. Here I put the big shot in a suit because when you say the big shot suit it makes it seem like the suit itself is a character. You were correct in placing the poor girl in worn jeans.

He walked in a few minutes later though. A classy elderly gent with a nice smile and a black leather binder in his hands.

Editing after he asks her if she'd like coffee or tea.

A nod was my only response before my mind began to recall my mother's history. (Now, here is where it got a little confusing because I thought you were missing the quotation marks to say she was talking back as in answering him. I read a few times and then understood that she was simply replying back but within her mind. I'd make this clear that she is doing so by the edited suggestion.) Mom had once told me about this rich old lady. Some big-time English professor who mentored her back in college. I had no idea what it's got to do with me now. How come this lawyer knew about Mom's death? Guess my questions reflected on my face because Jenkins smiled yet again and replied like he was telling his grandchild a bedtime story.

One other thing-- Lawyers aren't doctors. So, he should not be referred to as Dr. Jenkins if he's a Lawyer. He would simply be Mr. Jenkins.

The flow of reading is messed up because some of the sentence's punctuation/grammar is a little off. This forced me to go back and read them a few times to get a better understanding of what was happening. If a sentence could act as a standalone sentence then get rid of the commas. Example below.

Ryan sat still for a moment, he contemplated his life, tapping at his knee.

Better: Ryan sat still for a moment. He contemplated his life and tapped at his knee.

Words like so, however, but, and/or, when used in sentences could kindly use commas. I think and/or can be left out sometimes.

The comma that's left out is known as The Oxford comma. I suggest looking this up to help you better understand its usage.

You could also put a semicolon in replace of the comma to show the sentences are closely related.

Example below:

Wrong:

Carey likes apples, she doesn't like vegetables.

Right:

Carey likes apples; she doesn't like vegetables.

Wordplay... It's something I express a lot. It can help you in tough times. It is just simply taking a sentence or a paragraph and rewording it.

Characters:

I think you need a lot of in-depth character descriptions instead of one-line explained emotions. Give us something as readers that we can relate to and allow us to feel your character's personality. Sometimes situations require more. The entire time at the Lawyer's office was a time to show us who she is because this is the setting stone of what's to come as well as the introduction of her. As she's finding out these things then allow that curiosity, uncertainty, and various other emotions to show.

She's confused right now, show it. If you were in her shoes then how would you feel? Will your eyebrows just go up from learning you are a beneficiary to a wealthy woman? Will you feel anything else? Move a certain way or will your expression contort? Will your heart drop? The words echo inside your ears or will you simply shrug? Will you care or not? This has to be shown in writing because we cannot feel or know truly what a character is going through. That is why it is up to the author to tell us. Make it so that we can see ourselves there.

The lack of emotions explain speeds up the story and we are left with a bit of a rush. She doesn't respond much after hearing the information and then says "Oh."

He tells her to think about it and she signs the papers the next day and moves on out of there.

We are left with sudden suspense of her waking to the sound of footsteps. That's exciting and eerie in itself, but then she remembers it's just a wooden house and rolls over to fall asleep. She experienced a panic attack, then goes to sleep. Slow it down a bit and allow us to feel her. Don't have it to where both of these story-moving actions are in the same paragraph.

Maybe she sits up and says, "Hello?" Then the footsteps suddenly stop. Not wanting to further scare herself, she could ball up her fists, and wait a few minutes before plopping back down on the bed. She comes to the conclusion that it's some normal house sound. It may not be of significant, but in these moments of emotional distress, you could help us relate to her and/or take time to express her personality. Who is she?

She's in a haunted house. When it comes to paranormal things there is always some suspense/thrill that helps build the characters involved. Whether they are all for it or not so keen on the idea. These speak to us. If you have a character that is more comical and nonchalant about the experience (as she seems to be even though she ran upstairs and had a mini-heart attack/panic attack.) it's best to bring out the curiosity.

This book reminds me of Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events. Only because of how she's acting to what is happening around her.

I'm not sure if this should be taken as comical or serious writing, but there are a lot of mentions that point towards a comedic setting. Your cover; however, gives off a sinister undertone. I had thought the book was going to be scary. The quote on the cover is even more scarier, so I expected it. As I read on, I found that there was nothing scary at all. There were times when she jumped, but nothing that had me on the edge of my seat.

If scary is what you want, I'd suggest really harvesting it. In scary writings the less we and the mc know the better. Don't let the ghost tell her or us what's going on in the basement. Have them fear the man. They are ghosts... That is a demon. Feeding off of the mc's fear and irrational thoughts. Sometimes even driving them momentarily insane. Let her uncover him and take her through the emotional whirlpool that comes with it. It's ok to have the comedic approach in the beginning because she's met some super cool ghosts who seem to enjoy her company and vice versa.

Your story is a good book. I think you have a good plot idea on your shoulders. I just think it needs more seriousness due to the first impressions. She seems like an open person. A bit naive, but caring and only trying to make the best of what she's given. Her openness could make her a great candidate for a manipulative demon if you catch my drift. *wink*

Your ability to create large chapters is great. You do well on giving description especially when it comes to describing something that deals with the families. Some paragraphs were large. I'd keep them 3-5 sentences so they won't intimidate readers. It falls short of us knowing her though. If you can add more of her (emotions and personality) into the mix and a lot of suspense, I think it would be great.