Chapter Twenty-Three

I dreamt of Yiuwa a lot.

Even though it was just a dream, just hallucinations piling up, they were an odd comfort that I couldn't resist anymore. It was a beacon of warmth in days that just blurred together in pain. I dreamt of what we could do if my curse wasn't between us. I answered a lot of questions I had about a normal relationship.

In the morning, we would wake up together. He would shower first and I would go downstairs and pretend I could make something that wasn't boxed brownies. I don't know why I got an odd thrill out of making things for him, watching him sit down and eat something I made. It was so fucking fifties housewife, something I never pictured myself doing, yet I felt oddly good doing something like that for someone else... no, not just for someone else, but for Yiuwa.

In the afternoon, we'd go on a date. A normal date, somewhere nice. We'd go out to eat, come home and just watch movies together or have sex.

The idea of something so relaxed, so normal, so... happy. It was blissful. It was my go-to-place when reality was too exhausting, and lately, it was too much.

Yiuwa had been right.

I wasn't quite sure when that frayed rope in my mind snapped. I just knew that I didn't hurt as much as usual, didn't get hungry as easily, was too tired to fight anything. I sat curled up in my cell, ruined leg tucked beneath me, deformed arm tucked against my stomach, my head resting against the wall as I soaked up the hallucinations dancing around me. I'd been in the cell for too long, and began to wonder if I'd hallucinated seeing Yiuwa at all here, which was a small comfort because that meant that I hadn't destroyed Yiuwa; he hadn't become a shadow.

Maybe he'd moved on. Maybe he found happiness.

But the mark on my neck was still there, wasn't it? I couldn't tell. Every time I reached up to touch it, I couldn't tell what I felt. Most of what I felt was pain, but it should feel like pleasure, shouldn't it? Or was that a hallucination too?

I had no idea what was real anymore.

I just became an actor in the hallucinations now. I was as much a part of them as they were of me.

Today's hallucination was a bit different. I sat in the cell as usual, a plate of rotting meat and moldy bread sitting outside the bars to tempt me, but I wasn't all that hungry, so I just sat watching it as it seemed to slowly disintegrate on the plate. No mice or rats came to partake of it. I wasn't even sure if there were any rodents down here with me.

I heard footsteps, heavy boots thumping on the stones. I watched a pair of massive boots land in front of me, and I blinked slowly, lifting my eyes to see Uriel standing there. The look on his face was a combination of fear, frustration, guilt. I felt the corner of my lips twitch.

"I was right," I mumbled. Uriel did feel guilty. Or at least, in this hallucination, he did. It was written all over his face when he looked down at me. He looked like he hadn't been eating well either. He still dressed like a comic book bad guy, though, all black on black, leather on leather, and today the hood on his jacket was pulled up over his head.

"Come on," he said, opening up the cell, "We need to move now, before we run out of time." I nodded, moving to get up, but it looked like I couldn't move in this hallucination, so I just slumped on the floor. Uriel ground his teeth together and reached inside. Strangely enough, he was gentle as he pulled me out by my arms and lifted me up against him. Even though he was still physically smaller due to the curse Michael had placed on him, I now weighed less than he did. I almost laughed at the thought of him carrying me around.

And he didn't seem to have much problem as he moved down the hallway at a brisk walk, glancing warily at the doors as we passed. I let my head rest against his shoulder, my eyelids feeling heavy as I sighed.

"Are we going to Yiuwa's room?" I asked sleepily.

"We're getting out of here," Uriel muttered, making me glance up at him, "The window is small. We need to hurry up. Some of the shadows are starting to suspect what's going on. If we get caught before we get to Yiuwa, we're fucked." I didn't say anything to that. I had no idea where this hallucination was coming from, but I welcomed it because it was better than staring at rotting food all day, so I went with it as we made our way into the nicer part of the castle. I could smell roasted coffee beans and breakfast food in the making. It was all so rich and warm, it actually made my stomach cramp a little, nausea swirling up into my throat.

Uriel was moving fast, though, like he was seriously afraid of getting caught. His strides were quick, his eyes darting all over the place, checking every shadow in the room. He rounded a corner and appeared to be heading for one of the back kitchen rooms. It was colder here, but I was used to it.

"And where do you think you're going with our prized prisoner?" A voice asked. Uriel cursed, pulling up short and turning part way to address whoever had spoken to us. It was a trio of shadows, massive beings with muscular physiques. A whiff of the air confirmed they were not only shadows, but werewolves as well. It made sense judging from their size, their fangs bared menacingly.

"Back off, Darnell," Uriel warned the larger of the three, who had stepped forward to growl at him.

"Should've known you were too much of a pussy to play the game," Darnell sneered, making the other two shadows smirk, "Or do you want that rat all to yourself? If that's the case, you should've just asked for a turn while we were going at him." Uriel glared at him, his grip on me tightening uncomfortably and I grimaced. He took a step back and slowly lowered me to the ground against the wall.

"Don't move," he said without looking at me, "This'll just take a second." I didn't say anything as he rose back up to face the werewolves, all of whom were baring their fangs and flexing their hands as their change began to take place. Bones cracked, the sound filling the hallway, flesh ripping and tearing, human skins shedding and falling limply to the ground like snakeskin. Wolves three sizes too big to be mistaken for regular wolves stood in the hallway, snarling and pawing at the ground.

Uriel threw the first attack, a bright flash of light that shot through the air and pierced the ground where the wolves had been before they moved. Two ran at Uriel, who spun around to avoid one before leaping on the other to grab his head in an attempt to snap his neck.

He succeeded in breaking one's neck, leaving it incapacitated, but the next one came around and bit him on the arm, dragging him around and throwing him against the wall. The stones cracked under the pressure and pieces fell as Uriel hit the ground, breathing hard as blood oozed from between his lips. He got up quickly, though, and threw another attack, which the attacking wolf dodged before lunging for his throat.

Uriel's white blue tipped wings shot out of his back and he was off the ground and in the air a second later. He swooped down and summoned a sword out of nowhere, slashing at the wolf's neck and decapitating it before he landed on the ground in front of the final wolf, who growled as it sank its head low to the ground in preparation to attack.

The next few seconds was a blur of movement. Uriel attacked first, but this wolf was smarter than the last two. It ducked and dodged, rolled, and leapt up, attacking one of Uriel's wings and ripping it clean off. Uriel made a noise of agony, dropping down to the ground and hunching over as he gasped in pain. Seeing him in pain startled me, made me blink and look around in confusion, wondering why this hallucination was so violent.

"Shouldn't have disobeyed the Shifter, Uri," the wolf growled as it stepped over Uriel's destroyed dismembered wing, walking over to Uriel, who was panting for breath, "Now you're going to suffer as badly as the rat." Uriel peered up at the thing, wheezing. He appeared to be struggled to stay conscious, and it made sense; his entire right wing was gone and laying in a twitching heap several feet away. Blood gushed down from the place where it had been on his back, broken bits of bone and sticky red feathers stuck to his tattered jacket.

The wolf opened its jaws, clearly prepared to sink it down around Uriel's neck. I watched, eyes wide with panic, and just when those jaws would've clamped down around his neck, the wolf took a wrong step and fell in a pool of blood, barking angrily in disgust. Uriel took his chance, withdrawing his sword from beneath him and swinging it around, cutting off the wolf's head so it rolled right up to me.

I stared at those rolling, confused dark eyes, fat tongue lolling out of its mouth as Uriel struggled to get to his feet. His left wing dragged lifelessly on the floor behind him as he came over and collapsed beside me so he could gather me up in his arms.

"Your wing is gone," I said emptily, reaching around to place my hand over where barely a stump remain of the wing. My eyes slid over to where it was laying on the ground, unmoving. Its white feathers with pale blue tips were dyed red with blood, and it no longer twitched, simply laid there like a discarded piece of furniture.

"Tell me something I don't know," Uriel panted, clearly annoyed as he heaved me up into his arms. He stumbled and almost hit the ground on his knees, but caught himself and made it down the hallway, breathing hard. I stared at him, felt the blood gushing from his back against my hand, felt the warm stickiness pulsing between my fingers.

"You're... losing a lot of blood," I said, voice hoarse.

"Yup," Uriel managed, "Lots of it."

"You need to stop."

"Nope. Just... a little further. He's waiting."

"No, he's not," I murmured, making Uriel blink and look at me, "This isn't real."

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"This isn't real. I'll wake up soon," I added matter-of-factly as I rested my head against his arm that was trembling beneath my weight, even though it wasn't that much, "When I do, you'll be fine. I'll be back in the cell." Uriel's face screwed up for a moment before he gasped in pain and stumbled, hitting the ground on his knees. He hunched over me, gasping for air. The blood was pouring from his back, soaking my hand, his jacket.

"It's fine," I said, even as he shook his head, "You'll be fine. Just give it a few minutes. I'll wake up when they come in." Uriel glanced at me breathlessly.

"Goddamnit, shut up," he growled, "You're not hallucinating anymore. You know how I fucking know that? Because, A, this seriously fucking hurts. And B, your curse kicked in back there. That wolf would've torn my goddamn head off if you hadn't been there." I looked at him, confused for a moment.

"I don't understand," I said after a moment. I was having difficulties wrapping my head around what he was saying. This wasn't real. It couldn't be. It never was. I'd dreamt a few times Uriel came to fetch me and he'd take me to Yiuwa and we'd spend time together before I woke up to torturers. Granted, my curse never did anything in my hallucinations, but maybe this time was just different?

As I tried to come to terms with what Uriel was saying, he was struggling to get to his feet. He kept going down on one knee, but managed to get up and shuffled quickly down the hallway, only to collapse once more with an angry curse that echoed off the walls.

"I shouldn't have fucking wasted my time with you," Uriel seethed, unable to hold onto me any longer as I hit the ground and he doubled over on top of me, propping himself up on his hands and knees, "I should've just let them do it. I should've just let them starve you." I frowned.

"I was starving."

"That was your own damn fault! I was the one who gave you at least something."

"You gave me maggots."

"Better than fucking rocks, asshole. Gods, you are such an ungrateful piece of... shit..." Uriel's eyes became unfocused as he blinked slowly. A second later, his eyes rolled up in his head and he collapsed on top of me, making me grunt. It felt almost like he would break my bones. I rolled over, struggling to prop myself up on my deformed arm. I sat up as best I could and nudged Uriel a little, only to go still as I stared at the blood caked to his back. His other wing had vanished, clearly tucked into hiding, but where the other one had been was now coated in sticky warm blood.

I looked down at my hand, at the blood there, then at the blood on Uriel's back.

He looked so pale.

Dying.

Uriel was dying.

But he was a shadow...

Confused, I reached over with my good hand and pulled on his eyelid, catching a glimpse of a blue iris.

Fuck, I realized as if a cold wave had washed over me. Uriel wasn't a shadow anymore. He hadn't been this entire rescue mission. His eyes were blue. He wasn't going to survive having his wing ripped off, especially if he wasn't part of Heaven anymore. He was a fallen and damage to the wings were severe. The only reason Lucifer had survived his fall was because of Joxeia. The only reason Michael survived having his wings torn to pieces was because he was being medically treated. Uriel was laying here exposed, fallen, and with no one to help him.

Stupidly, I put my hands over the wound on his back, thinking it would somehow staunch the blood, but of course did nothing. My hands only slipped and slid on his exposed skin and jacket. He was getting paler by the second. He was dying.

"Help," I managed, without realizing the tremor in my voice, "Help... Help! Yiuwa! Someone!" I looked around frantically, knowing full well no one could hear me, no one would come to help. I looked back down at Uriel, watching his lips turn blue. I cursed, squeezing my eyes shut and placing my hands over the wound in his back. I summoned up what little energy I had left, which was hardly anything. It would be enough to teleport out of here, that much I knew, but it didn't fucking matter. None of this fucking mattered. Hallucination or not, Uriel lost a fucking wing for me, for me, and losing a wing was like losing a part of your soul.

I launched what little magic I had in reserve, pouring it into his wound. The skin seized for a second, the blood gushed abruptly, before the skin began to stitch itself back together sluggishly. It was a patchwork job, and wouldn't last him long, but maybe long enough to get help. I felt sweat drip down the sides of my face, heat rushing into my face and down my arms as I struggled with the last bit of magic.

It sputtered out just as the last bit of the skin stitched together. I slumped over on my side, breathing hard as I came face-to-face with Uriel, who was still unconscious. I reached over, my hand feeling heavy and weightless at the same time. I touched his neck, searching for a pulse. And very faintly, beneath the tips of my fingers, came the twitch of life and I sighed in relief, letting my hand slide off him limply.

"You're... alive... almost..." I couldn't summon the energy to speak. Keeping my eyelids open was difficult. I smiled faintly.

Another hallucination, I told myself comfortably. I'd been tricked into using the last bit of my magic. I was too weak to fight anything anymore. But it didn't matter; I wasn't going to give up Hades. Or my family.

I heard footsteps coming down the hallway toward me. Big heavy boots thumping hard, fast, followed by another set. And another. I wondered if the torturers were overexcited this time. I felt big arms slide beneath me and heave me up into the air.

So they were moving me to another cell.

Joy.

Hopefully this one wouldn't ruin my back.

Whoever was carrying me was surprisingly gentle and held me close to them. Their arms were warm, strong. And I could smell them, I realized, taking a deep inhalation of their scent. A spicy masculine scent that permeated the air, sank right down into me, right down to my toes. I pressed my face in against the chest, hard and muscular, listened to the steady heartbeat beneath. I nuzzled in close, curling into whoever it was and expecting to get my ass beaten for it, but it didn't come.

Someone continued to carry me for a while, and then abruptly I felt the shift in the air, the spiral of molecules, the static sensation of a teleportation spell. Confused, I blinked my eyes open.

A battlesuit. Black on black on black battlesuit.

My eyes trailed up and up until I found myself looking up at Yiuwa's face.

Everything inside me melted.

He was so incredibly beautiful. Sharp angular features, his dark eyes narrowed, his teeth gritted together so hard that his jaw ticked, his facial hair was trimmed to perfection. His long black hair was tied up in a ponytail. Despite his clear aggravation, he was still so handsome.

I smiled.

That's right; this hallucination couldn't be over, not until I had my moment with Yiuwa.

I was just incredibly disappointed that my body was still crippled in this hallucination.

Would he still want me?

"I'm sorry," I mumbled. Yiuwa blinked and looked down at me, startled.

"Rowan? Oh my god, Rowan."

"I'm... so sorry... Broken... sorry... the curse."

"Ssh, ssh," Yiuwa whispered, surprising me when he reached a hand out of nowhere to stroke the side of my face, and I closed my eyes, savoring the sensation of his gentle touch, "Don't speak. You're going to be alright. I swear to you. Just... Stay awake, okay? Listen to the sound of my voice. You're going to be okay. We're almost there." I had no idea what he was talking about, but his tender voice was so sweet. I closed my eyes, enjoying the lull of it as I continued to hear him speak. He sounded a bit more panicked now, but it was better than nothing.

A few moments later, a lot of voices joined Yiuwa's and a streak of panic rushed through me. My eyes flickered open and I found myself assaulted by tons of people. I quickly made out Hades, some nurses, Viviana's tearful face, Xiphrus's equally horrified face. The panic was swelling up in my chest, my heart pounding, my adrenaline kicking into overdrive.

It got worse when I suddenly found myself on a bed and Yiuwa was backing away from me.

A scream tore up my throat as I grabbed for him with my good hand.

"No! No, please don't leave me! Not again, please! Just a little longer!" I grabbed for him, watching Yiuwa's eyes shine over with tears. He came back to me immediately, taking my hand. I held onto him desperately, feeling more hands pulling at me, trying to hold me down on the bed. Yiuwa gripped my hand, getting down close to me. I could feel gloved hands forcing my injured arm back and I bit back a shout of pain.

"Rowan, look at me," Yiuwa whispered, and I watched in sweet relief as those black eyes immediately became vivid yellow, "Look at me, you're okay. I'm not going anywhere, but we have to do this, okay? It won't hurt, I promise you. Do you believe me? Do you trust me?" I swallowed a lump in my throat, my body still tense, still prepared to fight, but the pleading on Yiuwa's face melted me and I relaxed, nodding tearfully.

"Just... please don't leave me again, please. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Yiuwa. I never meant to hurt you, never meant for this to happen," I managed, feeling something sharp pinch in my arm. Yiuwa's expression became confused.

"Rowan, what are you talking about--"

"J-Just a l-little longer," I stammered, feeling the heaviness set in as the anesthetic began to flow freely into my bloodstream, "I know i-it's selfish, I'm s-so selfish, and I-I know, I know that, but just-just a little- a little bit longer. I-I need this-- y-you, you. You the most. Ju-Just please-- sorry, please just a little l-longer." It sounded like gibberish out loud. I couldn't formulate, couldn't pronunciate what I wanted to get out.

I wanted to apologize for being a selfish idiot. I wanted to apologize for being the reason he had become a shadow. I wanted to apologize for being the cause of Uriel's pain. I wanted to apologize for wanting to be with him just a little longer before I had to go.

Gods, I didn't want to go.

I wanted to stay with him.

Holy fuck, I didn't know what was worse; hallucinating we were together forever, or being in reality with him for just a short time before I had to leave him.