chapter twenty-three
reveries
[anya rose steinburg]
-
"so you guys want to write a book?" andrew asks shawn and i, the two of us back in his office in new york, sitting opposite him, his desk, and the view of manhattan right in front of us.

"i know it's a bit random, but we're pretty much certain on writing one." shawn says, clasping my hand in his. "look, we have what we've written so far, and if you think it's shit, then we'll stop." shawn says, handing over the stack of paper we've already written out.

"oh my god, you actually started writing it?"
andrew asks, with a laugh. "when you called me, saying you wanted to write a book, wow, i'm pretty sure i laughed."

"shawns a pretty good writer, most of it was him. i just had to tell him how to write it a little bit more critically." i say, raising my eyebrows. "he truly has a talent."

"thanks babe," shawn says, kissing my forehead gently. "okay, call me when you've read that, anya and i have lunch plans."

"alright, see you guys later." andrew says, as shawn and i leave his office, rushing around island records head quarters, eager to get out, and head towards a whole foods.

"do you think he's gonna like it?" i ask shawn, whilst reaching for his hand, knitting our fingers together.

"if he felt any sympathy towards me when i was struggling after my dream, he will love it." i let out a small chuckle, leaning my head against shawns arm, the two of us walking around the streets of manhattan.

"what are we gonna make for lunch?" i ask, as we finally find a whole foods, strolling in, shawn immediately collecting a cart.

"sweet potato? and hummus." he suggests, walking straight to the vegetable aisle. "do you have sweetcorn at home? let's grill some mushrooms too."

"i love how my favourite foods have been rubbing off on you," i grin, kissing his cheek gently, before picking up a kilo bag of sweet potatoes, followed by a bag of button mushrooms.

"are you ready to head to south america? and then la after that?" shawn asks me, as we stroll around the aisles, picking up random things to put into the cart.

"actually, about that," i say quietly, stopping him in his tracks. "i don't think i'll be able to come to la anymore. i really need to get back on track with uni."

"surely you can do the work in la, right? you are on online courses now." shawn stops completely, looking at me.

"i know, it's just there's so much to do, and i don't know if i should leave manhattan." i bite my lower lip anxiously, whilst shawn sighs, putting a pot of hummus into the trolley.

"look, why don't you come with us, and if it gets too much, go back home, and then meet us in asia and australia, or meet me in toronto." he says gently, moving towards the cash registers. "okay, i'll pay now, you go and get some coffees, yeah? there's a le pain next door."

"are you mad at me?" i ask him softly, looking up, whilst he unloads the cart.

"no hunny, just a little disappointed." he says, not looking at me. i let out a small sigh, slouching down.

"alright, i'm gonna go get those coffees." shawn nods at me, whilst i quickly leave the shop, heading to the french café next door. i open the door up, letting the sweet smell of comforting coffee hit me, whilst i walk up to the queue.

"anya rose steinburg, what a pleasure it is," my body freezes, as i feel my heart race, pumping against my chest quickly. my mouth slightly falters, whilst i turn, seeing nathan sutton standing too close to me, considering the restraining order i put against him.

"y-you shouldn't be here," i stutter, suddenly feeling ten times more smaller, and the flashbacks from that night, and the miscarriage hitting me hard.

"and why shouldn't i? there are no police here," he says cockily, a smirk riming his dirty lips. "your boyfriend isn't even here to 'protect' you."

"don't you dare talk about him." i seethe, gritting my teeth together.

"oh but why shouldn't i? he didn't help you at all when we were together, so why would he help you now?" he says, making my heart drop.

"i-i need to go-" i mutter, quickly rushing away from the café, and back into the shop, seeing shawn exiting at the same time.

"hey, anya, what's up?" shawn asks suddenly, rushing towards me with the bags, placing one of his hands on my waist. "baby, talk to me, what's wrong? hun, you look like you've seen a ghost."

"shawn mendes, what a pleasure, again." i see shawns face fall, as i repeatedly shake my head, trying to not make him turn around. shawn doesn't listen to me, and turns around, a disgusted look over his face.

"you shouldn't be here, i can easily call the police." shawn shoots back. "leave anya alone, if you have any intelligence in you, you will leave her alone."

"ah, but what if i don't want to?" nathan smirks, that cheeky little smile, which i can't believe i fell for.

"well you will, after everything you've done to her, you will." shawn shoots back. "i will call the fucking police."

"what have i done to her?" he asks cluelessly, but still a small smirk over his lips.

"don't even start, nathan." shawn snaps. "just leave."

"why should i? i didn't do anything wrong?" my body begins to shake, and my face flares with anger.

"yes you fucking did!" i yell, the tears, which i didn't even know were building up, streaming down my face. "you fucking used me and-and got me pregnant!" i burst, not knowing what i'm saying. shawn turns to me, as i raise my hand to my mouth, in complete shock. nathan drops his smirk, and suddenly looks extremely worried, and sympathetic? well, he certainly looks sorry.

"w-what?" nathan stutters quietly. "oh my god." he looks at me gently. "y-you were pregnant?"

"y-yeah," i murmur, looking away from him.

"c-can i meet him or her?" he asks me gently, tears pooling at his eyes. wait, tears?

"i lost the baby three months in." i mumble back, folding my arms. "come on shawn, let's go back home." shawn nods at me, swooping his arm around my waist, before guiding me away, and into a taxi.

"are you okay?" shawn asks me gently, placing his hand over my knee.

"i-i'm fine." i nod, looking out of the window, not wanting to talk to anyone, apart from shawn. "why was he crying?"

"i don't know baby, do you think you know why?" shawn questions, his voice soft.

"he was always amazing with kids, we babysat his sister a lot. he loves kids." i say, looking down at the floor of the taxi. "do you think he feels bad about it, now that he knows a kid was in the mix?"

"maybe, kids do make people go crazy," he says, making me smile gently, in amusement more than anything. "i wouldn't worry about it, okay? i'm sure that he's probably trying to get the restraining order lifted." i nod in agreement, letting out a small sigh. "speaking of the restraining order, are you gonna tell the police about today?"

"no, he looked hurt, and i don't wanna get him into trouble with the police." i say, as shawn scoffs. "don't scoff at me, it's just the sort of person i am, and you know that."

"fair enough," he shrugs.

"shawn?"

"hmm?"

"can i ask you something?"

"go ahead, darling." he says gently, holding my hand in his, resting both of our hands on his lap.

"you know in your dream, w-when i told you that i was pregnant, but lost the baby?" he nods, looking away from me. "i'm sorry, but i really need to ask you this," i say, pressing my lips to shawns cheek.

"no, don't worry, what's your question?"

"how did you feel? when dream me told you?" he sighs gently at me, squeezing my hand, before turning his body closer to mine.

"i can't remember it exactly," he begins. "but i was shocked. i distinctly remember telling you that i didn't know how i felt, but i wasn't mad at you, nor upset at you. i was angry at myself, more than anything."

"why at yourself?"

"because i was the one who probably pushed you into the state of losing the baby. i broke your heart." he says sadly, looking down at his lap. "that's probably why nathan's so upset, he might think that it was his fault you lost his child."

i stay quiet for a few moments, letting out a small sigh, before leaning my head down onto shawns shoulder.

i need to talk to nathan, and i need to talk to him sooner, rather than later.
-
a month later
-
"anya?" the white door opens, revealing a tired nathan sutton, who's obviously been distressed the entire night so far. "you can't be here."

"i-i know," i bite my lower lip anxiously. "i just needed to talk to you."

"why now?" he asks me, furrowing his eyebrow. "you've had a month."

"i know, i-it's just with shawn, i-i couldn't." i mumble. "can i come in?"

"i don't want to hurt you." he says quietly, looking down at the floor. "please go home, anya."

"you told me," i say gently. "you told me i could come here, whenever i needed someone to talk to. and today, i need to talk to you." he lets out a long sigh, opening the door slightly wider, letting me slip inside.

takeout containers, and empty bottles of water lie all over his apartment, the strong smell of sadness hazy in the air. i frown, as he solemnly picks up a few pieces of rubbish, chucking them into the bin next to the door. i sit down at the bar table, as nathan sits opposite me, running a hand through his brown hair.

"where's mendes?"

"la, he's working on his album." i answer, rubbing my arms. "that's why i came here today. i couldn't leave to go meet him in la, without bothering to talk to you, a-and i've been wanting to for the past month."

"why?" he asks me, sadness running through his tired voice. "i've done nothing but hurt you, i made you lose o-our child."

"you didn't make me lose her." i say gently, looking down at the table. "a lot has been going on, and the stress of everything pushed me to lose her."

"her?" he asks, looking up. "y-you had a girl?"

"y-yeah," i stutter, the tears rushing to my eyes. "we had a girl." there's an eerie silence over the two of us, as he lets out a long sigh, running his hands through his hair again. "nate," i say gently, using his nickname that i always used to call him by. "please don't worry, it wasn't your fault."

"anya i-i'm so sorry," he says, his voice cracking, and a tear rushing down his cheeks. "i-i never thought that i would ever lay a hand on you, i-i'm sorry." i suck in a small breath, looking up at his broken body. "i'm moving to rome."

"what?" i ask, confused. "why?"

"i can't stay here." he sniffles. "i-i'm a monster, i need to restart. i know simply saying sorry isn't enough, for something like what i did to you, but i want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, i regret everything i ever said to you, everything that i ever did to you."

"d-did you really love me?" i ask, myself getting emotional.

"i-i still love you, anya," he murmurs, making my heart break. "sorry isn't enough, i just don't want to be alive anymore."

"don't say that," i warn him. "please, don't."

"for the past month, i haven't been able to look myself in the mirror, without crying, or hurting myself physically-"

"you haven't been...?" i trail off carefully, whilst he lets out a small sigh, looking down. "nate, why?"

"why do you think? i-i don't even know what pushed me to do that to you, all i know is that i feel so bad about it, and if i could take everything back, i would in a heartbeat." he cries, moving his hands to his face, as he quietly sobs.

"nate, look at me," i say gently, leaning over the bar, and removing his hands from his face. "nate," i whisper, as he connects his blue eyes with mine. "i forgive you."

"w-what?" he stutters, looking at me in disbelief. "how?"

"i'm a forgiving person," i whisper. "and i did love you at one point, and deep down, i still care about you, and i don't want to see you in this state, you shouldn't hurt yourself, or blame yourself at all." i look down at his wrists, seeing the dried blood caked over his skin. "come on, i'll clean these up for you."

"you don't have to," he tells me gently. i shake my head, pulling him gently into the bathroom.

"i want to," i reassure him, taking a deep breath to calm myself down. he sits down on the sink counter, looking down at the floor, whilst silent tears slide down his cheeks. i open up the cabinet under the sink, taking out the small first aid kit, opening it up, and taking out the bottle of surgical spirit, followed by a medical swab.

"when did you find about her?" he asks me, as i pour out some of the spirit onto a swab. i bite my lower lip, gently starting to clean up the cuts.

"may, early may." i answer.

"when did you, you know, lose her?"

"mid july," i answer simply, before wrapping up his wrists in a soft bandage, to stop the open wound from getting infected. "a lot had been going on, i didn't know how to cope."

"how did you clean them up without them hurting?" he asks, confused, as he gazes at his wrists.

"experience," i say gently. "it's not only you who thought about ending everything. i understand, it seems like the easy way out, but it really isn't."

"w-wait, wh-what? when?" he asks me, suddenly concerned.

"junior year," i mumble, looking away. "please nate, don't push yourself to that."

"i won't." he responds, standing up from the counter, whilst we both make our way back into the main room, and towards the front door. "uh, thanks for talking, anya."

"no problem, thanks for letting me." i reply, sending him a sad smile, before i pick up my bag. "you'll be okay, i promise. and i'll try to get the restraining order lifted."

"you don't have to do that, i understand how you want to be far away from me." he says gently, as i shake my head, frowning slightly.

"i forgive you, nate. i really do."

"this world doesn't deserve you." he tells me, wiping away his tears. "thank you."

"say hi to your sister for me," i say gently to him, opening up the front door.

"i will, have a safe flight." he smiles sadly at me, looking slightly more relieved. i turn around, ready to walk into the elevator, and to hopefully cancel out this part of my life. "anya, wait!"

i turn around, seeing nathan rushing forwards to me. "yeah?"

"c-can i hold you?" he stutters, a frown painted onto his pink lips, once again. i nod my head softly, leaning up, and wrapping my arms around his neck, letting myself settle into his familiar embrace.

"goodbye, nathan." i whisper into his ear, laying a small kiss onto his cheek.

"goodbye, anya."

after that, i was certain that anything left with nathan was gone. and i couldn't be more thankful for that.