chapter twenty-six
reveries
[shawn mendes]
-
"wait, teddy, replay that," scott says suddenly, as the group of us sit around the studio, recording some of the songs i've written. teddy replays the rift and singing part he was editing, and everyone listens contently, myself smiling in achievement.

"now that," ziggy says. "that, is grammy worthy, heck no, that is world domination worthy."

"i love it," i say, smiling widely. "do you think the fans will?"

"they're gonna love this side of you, holy crap, shawn, this album is going to be insane." andrew chuckles, patting me on the back. "tease them with this, record it and put it on your instagram."

"gerty that's just rude," i chuckle, taking my phone out and opening up my i instagram app. "but okay." andrew laughs, as i film the playback of the new song, posting it onto my story, before shoving my phone back into my pocket.

"can we go for dinner now?" i ask, hunger taking over my body. "i'm starving."

"sure, it's getting kind of late anyway," geoff says, looking at his watch. "if we leave now, we could make it to that korean barbecue place by 8."

"sounds good," i shrug, putting my guitar down. "i'll go tell anya."

"make up with her," andrew says to me, as i sigh, slumping my shoulders down. "it's been a week, shawn, and you guys are more awkward than ever, and not to mention how both of you are the walking dead without each other."

"i love that show," i say, trying to avoid the topic of anya and i completely.

"shawn," andrew warns, raising his eyebrows. "do i have to call your mother?"

"my mother already knows," i shoot back, lying, so my mum doesn't find out about me yelling at anya. "as i was saying, i will go and tell anya, since i'm pretty sure all of you are gonna start bitching about me to her."

"shawn, don't get annoyed with us just because you're annoyed with your girlfriend." geoff butts in, as i automatically glare at him.

"i'm not getting annoyed with you guys." i say. "and anya and i fought, i have every right to be angry at her because of it."

"you really don't, it was her decision in the first place," andrew tells me, almost as a warning. "if she wanted to forgive him, she could've."

"you don't understand, she doesn't even understand!" i say, raising my voice. "the amount of times she came crying to me about things, all the nights i've spent comforting her, and making sure that she's okay, have all gone to waste. i was there for her, when no one else was, and now that she's forgiven him, there was no point of me being there. she's getting the restraining order lifted, do you know how fucking scared i am? that guy is a fucking offender, he should not be roaming the streets freely, because his victim has forgiven him." everyone stays quiet, looking down at the floor. "now that you've heard my side of things, i'll be going. i'll meet you all at the place."

i walk away from the studio, sighing loudly, and rubbing the back of my hand over my forehead, as i enter the main room, looking for anya. i see her sitting at the dining room table, typing away on her laptop.

"hey," i say gently, clearing my throat, making her look up. she smiles sadly, pushing her fingers over the keyboard. "what are you up to?"

"editing the book, and researching for an essay," she says, closing her white notebook. "are you taking a break?"

"sort of, we're heading out for dinner at a korean barbecue place." i say, as her face lights up. i hold back a smile, knowing that korean barbecue is one of her favourite types of food. "so, get ready, and we'll leave in ten?"

"that's fine," she says, shutting her laptop. "hey, will you be free later tonight? we should really keep writing."

"i should be," i nod, starting to walk towards the stairs. "maybe we can do a bit of writing outside? i'm not in the right mood to be sitting in the same room as andrew or geoff."

"what happened?" she asks me, suddenly concerned, as i let out a small sigh, shaking my head.

"nothing, just a petty argument." i lie, walking up the steps, anya following me. oh yeah, we're sharing a room.

"don't argue with them, shawn," she sighs. "they're your best friends."

"i know," i mumble, opening the bedroom door, walking straight to the closet, pulling out a pair of jeans, and a button up shirt. i quickly change, folding up my gym shorts and t-shirt, placing them onto our shared bed, which only i've been sleeping on. anya's adopted the couch as her own, and it breaks my heart to see her sleeping away from me. "hey, don't sleep downstairs tonight."

"why?" she asks gently, looking away from me.

"because i care about you," i respond, as she looks down at her feet, pushing her bag into both of her hands. "and i know it hasn't seemed like it lately, but i do, and i hate seeing you uncomfortable."

"okay," she murmurs, not looking up at me. "uh, we should go."

"yeah, uh, i'll drive," she nods at me, escaping out of the room, myself following her to the garage, where i unlock the car, letting her climb in silently. i sit down on the drivers seat, starting the car up, and quickly escaping out of the house, and onto the main road which we have to take to drive into the main city.

"shawn!" anya giggles, as i speed down the free roads, the wind blowing her hair back, as i laugh, feeling more free than ever. "slow down!"

"you don't want me too," i chuckle, looking over, as an expression of pure contentment is settled over her. "god, i love driving in la."

"good, because i hate it," she giggles again, bringing her legs up on the seat, as i chuckle, focusing back on the road, as i take the drive to our rented beach house.

why would i have a flashback back to my dream? a frown settles over my lips, as i continue the drive to the restaurant.

"stop!" anya laughs, as i continue to tickle at her sides, her back resting over our bed in the maldives, as the sunlight streams into the room. "shawn mendes!"

"anya mendes!" i imitate, making her laugh again, a blush settling over her cheeks.

"i will kick you, stop!" she laughs, as i continue to poke my fingers into her sides. "love, stop!"

wow, our honeymoon was iconic.

with a small sigh, i park the car close to the restaurant, paying for the parking, before anya and i walk out, facing another set of cameras. how do they find out where i am? do they just follow me everywhere? i reach for anya's hand, whilst locking the door behind me, racing with her into the restaurant.

"hi, we're meeting a party of seven," i say to the server, as soon as we get into the restaurant.

"shawn mendes?" he asks, looking down a list of people. i nod, mumbling a quiet yes. "right this way," he guides anya and i to a table full of my crew, where there are two free seats opposite each other.

that's just got to make the situation better.

"hey guys," ziggy smiles at anya and i, greeting us. "drive okay?"

"yeah," i shrug, with a chuckle, taking my seat opposite anya. "hey guys, i'm sorry about my outburst today, you all are some of the best people i know, and i'm sorry." i see anya look down at the table, and i immediately feel guilty. i apologise to my crew seconds after i argue with them, and i haven't even uttered a simple sorry to anya. i have to apologise tonight.

"don't worry, you're stressed, you have every right to get annoyed at us," andrew tells me, as i smile sadly, looking down.

"it's still dumb of me, and i'm sorry." i say, letting a moments silence pass through.

"anyway, who's up for some drinks?"
-
"i don't know, maybe this chapter could be a complete flashback," i suggest, leaning back on the lounger, as anya sighs, the laptop resting on her lap, as she sits cross legged, at the bottom of the lounger.

"well what would it be a flashback of? sam and alyssa fought in the last one," she groans, rubbing her fingers over her temples. "come on, think back to your dream, shawn."

"a flashback to a fight? i don't know, oh!" i gasp, finally getting an idea. "the fight which you and i had when you accidentally let it slip to brooklyn and sophie! now that, that was a fight!" i suddenly get excited for this part of the book, and anya chuckles, handing me the laptop.

"write, mendes, write." she says to me, as i eagerly begin to type away on the laptop.

i manage to easily type away a paragraph, before i look at anya, who's dreaming out to the night sky, gazing at the stars above.

"it's weird," anya begins, as i put the laptop down beside me. "this world is weird."

"what do you mean?" i ask, curious.

"i mean it's weird, how all of a sudden, the sun can go, and the only sources of natural light are the stars and the moon." she says suddenly, still looking up at the sky. "it gives me hope, though."

"why?"

"that there's always some flicker of hope in the darkest of times," she says, turning to face me. "you get what i mean?"

"yeah," i nod, picking the laptop back up, and checking the time. "woah, it's 3am."

"really?" she asks me, shocked. "wow, i didn't think it was that late."

"time goes fast when you're having fun, i guess," i say, making her smile slightly, but then it falters. "let's go up, come on." she nods, as i pick up my laptop, standing up from the lounger, and following anya inside the house, where the two of us wander straight up to our room. i brush my teeth and use the bathroom first, and anya goes after, since her skincare routine takes a significantly longer time than mine.

while she's in the bathroom, i lie down on the bed, letting out a long sigh. just apologise, you dick, it's easy. i shut my eyes, waiting for anya to come into the room. thirty minutes pass, and she still hasn't left, causing me to begin to worry.

"anya?" i call, sitting up, and waiting for a response, which i don't get. i quickly rush out of bed, running to the bathroom door, and opening it, seeing it completely empty, but the other door, leading to the main corridor, open.

"fuck," i mumble, leaving the room, and rushing around the corridor, trying to be as quiet as possible, for the sake of others sleeping.

"anya?" i call, rushing down the stairs, heading straight to the main room, where i don't even see her on the sofa. "fuck, where is she?" i rush around the downstairs level, before i see the sensor light from the outside decking on. i sigh in relief, opening up the backdoors, and heading outside, seeing anya lying down on one of the outdoor sofas, as her shoulders shake.

my heart breaks immediately, knowing that she's crying.

"oh my god, anya," i mumble, rushing forward, and collapsing down onto my knees in front of her. "baby, come on, sit up," she cries even harder after i call her by 'baby', and i furrow my eyebrows, placing my hand on her shoulder. "hey, darling, please."

"g-go away," she cries, burying her face into the pillow, as she cries and sobs.

"no, i'm not gonna go away, hun," i say to her. "what's the matter? anya, come on, talk to me."

"you wanna know what's wrong? maybe it's the fact that you apologise to your crew faster than you apologise to your girlfriend? or maybe the fact that you sit around, thinking that nothings wrong between us, when there clearly is, or how you don't support me at all anymore, or-"

"anya, please, calm down," i say, trying to settle her hysterical crying and yelling. "i do support you, why are you thinking that i don't?"

"if you support me, why would you yell at me for forgiving nathan?" she shouts, looking up, the tears streaming down her cheeks. "you don't support me shawn, at all!"

"who was there for you when you got raped? who was there for you when you were being abused? who was there for you when you lost your baby? who, anya?" i shout back, getting angry at her all of a sudden. "who helped you break up with him? who was there for you when all you would do at night was cry? who helped you get that fucking restraining order, huh? who?"

"you don't support me about thinking adams my brother, you haven't even kissed me for three weeks, you yelled at me after i said i forgave nathan, you suggested the things with hailey, how is that support shawn? how?" she screams back, sitting up, and wiping away her tears, as she continues to cry and wail.

"adam is not your fucking brother, get that into your head!" i yell back, standing up, my chest heaving up and down. "if he is, and if you're so concerned about it, why haven't you said anything, huh? why haven't you done anything?"

"because i haven't had the time too! if you forgot, i'm also a student, balancing uni and travelling the world!" she shouts back, standing up herself.

"you signed yourself up for this life, i didn't ask for you to come into my life!" i shout back at her, as her shoulders fall, and more tears spill out of her eyes.

"fuck you, shawn!" she screams. "you don't know what it's like to be in university, i bet your stupid grades couldn't even get you into uni!"

"i had my career to worry about! i wasn't gonna spend time worrying over maths, when i had my entire future to worry about!" i yell, feeling myself fume with anger. "fuck you, anya, fuck you!"

"at least i didn't cheat on my boyfriend!" she cries, her voice cracking.

"for the last fucking time i never cheated on you, get that through your selfish head!" i scream, clenching my fists by my side. "god, anya, why do you think i would fucking cheat on you?"

"i don't know, maybe because you suddenly suggest to start rumours with some model, when you have a fucking girlfriend?" she shouts, standing up from the couch. "i let you love me, i let myself fall in love with you, and you go and want to be with someone else? wow shawn, wow!"

"well if you managed to stop thinking about yourself once in a while, you would understand that your decisions, and what happens to you, has impacts on other people! this isn't the anya show!" i yell, breathing heavily, my hands close to punching something.

"i'm not saying that this is the anya show, this is fucking real life! and don't ignore my god damn question!" she screams, her face fuming with anger.

"you went to go speak to nathan, how do i know you didn't do anything with him?" i shout back, getting more and more angry with anya as time goes on. "i don't even know how i managed to love you-" i cut myself off, as i see anya's chest fall and rise, copying my own movements.

"to what, shawn?" she yells, wiping her tears once more.

"nothing," i mutter, regretting my words almost immediately. her bottom lip quivers, as she falls onto the sofa, bursting into a round of cries. i breathe heavily, slowly turning around, trying to settle my anger.

before i can even think, a tired andrew and geoff come running into the scene, andrew rushing straight past me, and walking to anya, who has gone completely hysterical.

"what the fuck did you do?" geoff curses at me, dragging me by the arm, back into the house. "you don't shout at your emotionally unstable girlfriend like that!"

"you don't think i already know that?" i yell back, as geoff sits me down on the kitchen bar,
opening the alcohol cupboard, and pouring a glass of whiskey out, sliding it across the table to me.

"drink, it'll calm you down and make you sleep," he instructs. "i don't wanna fucking hear a sound out of your god damn disrespectful mouth, you hear me? if you already knew that, you wouldn't have yelled at her like you did. you woke everyone up with your yelling, you're lucky that everyone in the fucking house loves you, or you probably would've been shot with the amount of noise you made." i glare at him, finishing my drink in a shot, letting the whiskey burn the back of my throat.

"can i have another?" i ask, eyeing up the bottle. geoff nods, pouring another shot for me, as i eagerly finish it, dropping the glass back onto the marble counter.

"you're gonna go back up, and get to sleep. tomorrow morning, you're gonna wake up, and fucking make anya know that you're sorry. i don't care what you do, but you're gonna make sure that you are sorry." he warns, as i continue to glare at him.

"i'm not gonna apologise for saying the fucking truth." i spit, standing up from the bar table, and walking away from geoff.

"shawn, you come back here right now before i call your dad." he shoots at me, as i turn around, glaring at him.

"do it then, i don't fucking care," i throw my hands up into the air, before walking back upstairs, and straight into my room, where i collapse onto the bed, pulling the sheets over my body, before i reach for my phone, dialling up a familiar number.

"hello?"

"hey, niall, it's me," i say, looking over to the empty side of my bed.

"oh hey shawn, what's up?" he asks me, yawning. "why are you up? it's 4am."

"i need somewhere to stay, can i hideout at your place? i just need somewhere to stay where i can write, and record."

"aren't you already in a place where you can write and record mate? has something happened?"

"yeah, sort of," i sigh. "can i come over?"

"yeah, course mate. i'll leave the gate open, just drive in, and close the gate behind you."

"great, thanks niall, i owe you." i sigh in relief, before i get up from bed, quickly packing a small bag, and grabbing my rucksack with my necessities.

"no problem, see you in a bit."

i had to escape, and that was the easiest way out.