chapter twelve
reveries
[anya rose steinburg]
-
for the past six days, shawns helped me drastically. whether it's making sure i'm okay, or making me laugh, or just holding me when i need someone, he's always there. and i couldn't be more thankful for that.

he's been so understanding of what i am going through, and even though he hates everything about nathan, he doesn't get annoyed about it in front of me anymore. behind closed doors, i'm pretty sure he does. i've seen his knuckles bruised up from punching his new punching bag too often, i've seen him tend to his cuts, i've seen him wince in pain when simply holding his microphone at rehearsals. i just wish he wouldn't worry too much about me, it's not good for his health.

"ready for the bus?" shawn asks me with a small chuckle, as we wait outside the massive black tour bus that shawn and i will be on.

"well, it's gonna be different from the usual hotels." i say with a small smile, whilst shawn knits his hand with mine. i look up at him, sending him a slightly larger smile, feeling more content about myself.

"you'll be okay with it, it's only the beds which are slightly uncomfortable. it's not too bad though." he explains, squeezing my hand gently. "are you okay now? last night you cried a lot, i heard you."

"you were awake?" i ask him, my cheeks heating up. he nods sheepishly at me, before facing me, and cupping my cheek, running his thumb over my cheekbone. "i-i'm fine."

"oh anya rose, i know you're not." he says gently, leaning forward and kissing my forehead. "if you get upset on tour, please wake me up or something. i wasn't kidding when i said i was gonna be there for you."

"i know," i nod at him. "i just- i didn't want to worry you."

"you're so selfless, anya," he says to me, breathing out a small chuckle, before letting go of my cheek, and moving his hands to my waist. "ready to board, hunny?" i nod my head sheepishly at him, before he lets go of my waist, leading me into the bus.

hunny, darling, angel, baby, babe, love, i notice it all. kisses, random hugs, holding my hand when we're alone, cuddling at night, cuddling in general, sneaky winks, i see it all. it confuses me greatly, he's giving me an obscure amount of affection considering the contract drawn up between us.

"welcome to the bus," shawn says, pushing open the door, revealing a typical looking tour bus; couches, a fridge, a lounge area, a tv, a bunk area, and two bathrooms, along with a small kitchenette and two tables. "we're sharing this one with andrew, geoff, tom, james, and chris."

"oh thank god i'm not the only girl." i breathe a sigh of relief, as shawn chuckles, opening up a curtain of one of the bunks, and putting his backpack into it.

"you might want to take your pick of bunk now," shawn says to me. "before everyone comes in." i nod, picking the bunk directly opposite him, and putting my bag in there, before strolling through the bus, to the lounge area, where the two sofas are placed. i sit down on one of the beige sofas, pulling my legs up to my chest, wrapping my arms around my knees, resting my head on them.

i feel shawn sit down next to me, his weight slightly shifting the bouncy couch, before he places a hand delicately over mine.

"i'm gonna break up with him," i say quietly to shawn. "like you said, i don't deserve people who try to make my life toxic." i take a shaky sigh, pulling my head up from my legs. "after that, i'm going to report it to the police, and get a restraining order against him." shawn nods, squeezing my hand gently. "i'm gonna have to go to court soon, and i'm going to need you to be there with me."

"are you sure? nathan hates me, he'd probably snap if i was there." shawn says to me, with a quiet chuckle.

"exactly, the police can really see who the animal is." i say to shawn, leaning to the side, so my head is resting on his chest. "i really do appreciate everything you've done for me, shawn."

"i'm proud of you, anya," shawn says, holding his arm over my shoulders. "will you come with me to toronto still? after the european tour is over?"

"of course i will, i wanna see your new place," i say to him, making him breathe out a chuckle, as i shut my eyes. "how's the process going?"

"it's all settled, my mum called to say that it's in my name now, so as soon as i get back, i can move in." he tells me, as i hear the smile in his voice.

"hey," i open my eyes, seeing geoff and andrew sitting opposite shawn and i. i quickly get up from shawns embrace, sitting next to him instead.

"what's going on between you two? you're literally all over each other, all the time." geoff says, making my cheeks flush.

"geoff don't, anya's just going through a bit of a hard time." shawn says, not saying what happened to me directly.

"anything we can do for you, anya?" andrew asks me, the two of them now genuinely concerned. "you don't have to do any work tomorrow, if you don't want to."

"no, i do, i really want to help." i say to him. "i'll be okay, don't worry about me." i smile slightly, as shawn clutches onto my hand, squeezing it gently. i squeeze it back, signalling that i'm okay with things, and he squeezes back, just to tell me he got the message. it's something we've created when we're out and about, especially around crowds and shawns fans.

"okay, well we're gonna start driving in about ten minutes, all the other buses have already left, it's just us waiting to go." andrew explains. "we'll be arriving in glasgow later tonight, if everything goes to plan. don't worry, we'll be making stops along the way, so everything will be okay."

"alright, thanks gerty," shawn says, letting go of my hand and standing up. "i'm gonna go take a nap, i'm pretty tired from rehearsals."

"okay shawn, we'll wake you up when we get to our first stop." shawn looks at me, raising his eyebrows as a way to say, 'are you okay with me sleeping?'. i nod in response, making him smile softly, before opening the curtain to his bunk, and getting in.

i need to break up with nathan as soon as i can.
-
anxiously, i sit on the closed toilet seat, shawn folding his arms in the corner of the room, looking at me with sympathy.

"are you sure you don't want me to talk to him?" shawn asks me quietly, trying to keep his voice down so the rest of the people on the bus don't hear.

"no, i have to," i let out a shaky sigh. "i'm gonna put it on loudspeaker, you record the conversation, okay? it'll come in handy for evidence."

"are you sure everyone's asleep?" shawn asks me, himself anxious, as he pulls out his phone. i nod at him, biting my lip.

"good thing that we can't check into the hotel until tomorrow morning, well, later this morning. everyone's fast asleep." i explain, steadying my breathing, before clicking on nathan's contact. i hesitate for a moment, looking up at shawn. "c-can you hold me?"

"of course, love," he coos, as i stand up, shawn sitting down on the lid of the toilet instead, and myself sitting on his lap, his arms hooked loosely around my waist, my back pressed up to his chest. "better?" i nod, feeling myself calm down, and gain the power to click on the call button.

it rings. one, two, three, until he answers the phone, making everything around me stop. all i can feel are shawns hands around me, and the constant pumping of blood through my veins, the adrenaline coursing through my body.

"hello?" nathan's tired voice asks, as i suck in a breath, shawn clicking on the record button of his phone.

"nathan? it's anya," i begin, my hand shaking. "w-we need to talk."

"about what?" he scoffs, his voice dripping with pure venom.

"y-you know what," i stutter, shutting my eyes for a brief moment. "i'm breaking up with you."

"why? you didn't say no to me." he spits, making my body clench in fear. shawn notices, and gently rubs my sides, easing my tension slightly.

"i-i did," i croak, the tears welling up in my eyes once more. "i-i k-kept saying n-no, y-yet-yet you still d-di-did it." i let out a shaky breath, as shawn leans down, pressing his lips on my shoulder.

"this is because of shawn, isn't it? what kind of twisted bullshit has he put in your mind? you didn't say no, and you loved it." nathan spits again, making my entire body shake.

"i-i said n-no," i mutter, the tears overflowing from my eyes. "n-nathan, p-please don't fight back. i-i'm reporting you to the police either way."

"you do that and i'll tell the media about your little relationship with shawn," he spits. "you'll probably want to commit suicide because of all the slut shaming you'll get, because that's what you are, a dirty little slut." his words stab me like knives, and i feel a physical pain in my head from the emotions racing about my mind.

"i-i don't care if you do," shawn moves his hand to my other one, holding it in his. "shawns would be a better boyfriend than you'll ever be."

"so fucking what if i raped you? it doesn't matter now, does it? it's over now, isn't it?" he snaps, making me flinch.

"i-it's not j-just that, y-you abuse me on the daily. it's t-toxic."

"have a good life anya," he spits. "i certainly do not regret a thing i did to you, you deserve it, you fucking bitch." he hangs up the phone, and my phone drops out of my hand, straight onto the bathroom floor. shawn cuts the record button, putting his phone on the side, before bringing me into a hug, shushing me immediately.

"you're not a slut, you didn't deserve any of it, you're not a bitch, don't believe him anya," shawn reassures me softly, running his hands through my hair, as i silently let the tears rush down my cheeks, feeling too numb to cry. "you're amazing anya, you're the greatest person i know, don't believe him, please," shawn urges, kissing the side of my temple, leaving his lips on the skin. "don't believe him," he mumbles. "don't."

i clutch tightly onto shawns t-shirt, clawing at his back with my fingertips, letting the salty tears rush down my cheeks.

"it's over, anya, it's over, we have the evidence, he's going to be locked up for a while, and we're gonna get you that restraining order as soon as possible. we can get you the best lawyers if he decides to bite back, anya i'm gonna make him stay as far away as possible from you, i promise." shawn whispers, kissing my cheek, and running his hands, soothingly, up and down my back, letting me stain his t-shirt with my tears. "it's over, baby, it's over."

"do you wanna go to sleep now?" shawn whispers, pulling me away from his shoulder, as he wipes away my tears, running his thumb over my cheekbone. i nod my head, as he tucks a piece of my hair behind my ear.

shawn picks up my phone and his, guiding me back out of the bathroom, and to the section of bunks, helping my still shaking body into the fairly large single bed.

"get some sleep, darling," shawn whispers, pecking my forehead with his lips.

"n-no-" i whisper back, reaching out my hand, and grabbing onto his shirt. "don't leave me, p-please don't leave me."

shawns face falls, as he climbs into my bunk, spooning my exhausted and aching body, his touch almost mending me back together, making me feel safe again.

"i'll keep you safe," he whispers, his arms wrapped tightly around my body, as i hold onto his hands in mine. "i'll keep you safe." he repeats, kissing my head gently.

he was telling the truth.
-
"glasgow, how are we doing?" shawn yells into his microphone, as i stand at the front row barriers, seeing his smile wider than anything. "so, this next song has always been if not the most, but one of the most special songs i've ever written, and ever performed. i feel as though everyone here can connect to it. the amount of people who tell me that this song in particular, helped them get through a hard time, is actually insane, but it just shows how you're not alone in this, and how things with get better." shawn scans the front row, before he spots me in front of the barrier. "this is specifically in honour of my beautiful girlfriend, my best friend, anya," my heart swells, as i feel a soft flush settle over my cheeks, as shawn continues. "she's been going through a hard time recently, so i just hope this helps her a little, because i hate seeing her upset," the tears build up in my eyes, and i let out a sad chuckle at him, as a tear slides down my cheek. "oh no! she's crying," shawn laughs, as the fans cheer and scream still. "darling, don't cry, anyway, this is a little too much."

he begins to sing, and his voice practically melts away my problems, my stress, and my worry. he doesn't break his eye contact from me, as the tears rush down my cheeks, phone flashlights illuminating the entire arena into a sea of stars. as soon as he finishes the song, he steps back from the microphone, mouthing a few words to me.

"are you okay?" he mouths.

"i'm okay, thank you for that," i mouth back, as he smiles gently at me, the fans still cheering wildly, and a couple girls behind me, crying.

"no problem, see you backstage?" i nod at him, escaping backstage for the remainder of the show, collecting a bottle of water for shawn, because i know he's going to need one.

"everything alright, anya? we all heard shawns speech on stage." chris asks me, a solemn look on her face, as i enter the green room, andrew looking concerned at me, and geoff furrowing his eyebrows.

"uh, yeah," i mumble. "just stuffs going on, but it's okay. shawns really been helping me." i fold my arms against my chest, as chris reaches for my shoulder, rubbing it softly.

"if you ever wanna talk, everyone's here for you, okay?" chris tells me softly. "you're part of the family now." my heart swells, as chris hugs me tightly. "don't worry, okay? everything's gonna be okay."

"thanks chris, i really appreciate it." i mumble, hugging her back. "when's shawn getting off stage?"

"shawns right here!" shawn comes up behind me, as i let go of chris, throwing my arms around shawn.

"thank you so much, oh my god," i burst, hugging him tightly, as he chuckles, hooking his arms around my waist.

"it's okay, hunny," he replies, with a light laugh. i pull away from our hug, handing him the bottle of water. "oh god, you're such a lifesaver." he eagerly opens up the bottle, taking large gulps of the water, before finding the nearest couch, and flopping down onto it.

"shawn! get your ass up, we're going to a pub." geoff says to shawn, flicking his head, making me chuckle softly.

"let me sit down for two minutes, i've been standing up for two hours," shawn groans, sinking further into the sofa, shutting his eyes. "do we have to hit a pub tonight?"

"you suggested it, mr i'm 18 so i'm legal in the uk so lets go to a pub!" geoff argues with him, as shawn opens his eyes, realising it was him who suggested it. i snigger softly at him, as he playfully rolls his eyes at me.

"alright, let's go then," he stands up, geoff standing up after him.

"not so fast, mendes, you're gonna need to say goodbye and a thank you to everyone."
-
shawn and i sit next to each other in the pub, the rest of the people around us chatting, and shawn and i sipping on our beers, not exchanging a word with anyone else.

"hun?" shawn says to me, picking up his beer in one hand. i look up at him, as he smiles gently down at me. "a toast to you being free?" i smile sadly at him, picking up my glass and clinking it with his.

"thank you, for everything, shawn. you've been here for me for the past week, and honestly i couldn't be more grateful." i say quietly to him, after taking a sip of my beer.

"i will always be here for you, okay? you don't ever have to worry about being alone, anya. even if you don't want me, i'm still gonna be right here." my heart swells, as a soft blush settles over my cheeks. "now, cheer up? we're about to travel the world now, and i need the anya i know, who loves travelling and exploring, to be with me every step of the way."

"i'll try," i say quietly to him, as he leans down, kissing my forehead gently, making my face heat up even more than it already was.

but, why?
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catching feelings are we, miss steinburg?