chapter three
reveries
[shawn mendes]
-
the drive back from the pop up show was boring to say so the least. currently, i'm sitting right in the back, headphones in and blocking out the world around me, trying to ignore the small conversations going on with my crew.

"you okay?" anya mouths to me, as i turn my head to face her. i nod, sending her a reassuring smile, slipping out a headphone to talk to her.

"i don't know, something about that show just makes me want to sit down and reflect. i think that's going to be my last intimate show for a while at least." i explain. "don't mind me."

"if you're sure that's it, then i won't." she says to me, making me let out a quiet laugh. she looks down at her phone, and i can't help my eyes to travel down to her phone screen. she swipes across a message from a "nathan" eagerly.

i take a small look at the conversation, and i feel my heart sink. kisses, flirty language, and the soft blush over anya's cheeks. she has a crush, and it's not on me. of course i can't blame her for wanting to find someone else, after all, it's just a fixed relationship between us, so it really shouldn't matter if we see other people. but it does matter, it matters to me because i'm in love with anya, that's the difference.

i slide my other headphone back into my ear, looking out of the window as we take the fairly long drive back to the hotel.

can i just go back to my dream?

arriving at the hotel, i see a large line of fans waiting outside, possibly even 200 of them, and my nerves begin to consume me. "geoff?" i call, as we all start to get out of the car. "do i have to meet them today?"

"there's a lot shawn, you don't have to if you don't want to." geoff reminds me. "i know you're tired."

"yeah, shawn, you really don't have to." andrew adds in. "only if you want to."

"i'm gonna have to skip out today." i say quietly. "i'm exhausted, and i promised aaliyah i would call her."

"go up to your room, we'll explain to the fans okay?" geoff says to me. i nod, clambering out of the car with anya, the two of us heading straight in, whilst geoff, andrew, jake, and chris handle the large group of fans, telling them to go home.

"who's aaliyah?" anya asks me, as soon as we enter the lift.

"my sister, you'll probably meet her at some stage." i say to her, as she nods, looking away from me. "do you have any siblings?"

"i-i did," she mumbles. adam? "i had a brother, b-but he died when i was 6."

"oh anya, i'm so sorry to hear that," i frown, placing my hand on her arm. she shrugs, biting her lower lip.

"it's okay, i mean, it is life at the end of the day. people come, people go." she says quietly, shuffling on the spot. "i miss him all the time, but i know he's always watching over me."

"i'm sure he is." i mumble to her, rubbing her arm gently. the elevator opens, and the two of us walk silently to the suite, anya unlocking it with her key, letting us in. "call me when you want to order some dinner, i need to call my sister, okay?"

"got it, i'll be in my room." i nod at anya, letting her walk into her room. i then stroll into my part of the suite, shoving my backpack down on my bed, and sighing, as i sit down on the white sheets, pulling my phone out of my pocket, dialling up aaliyah's number.

"hey shawn!" she chirps, making me smile immediately. "how's london?"

"hey liyah, and it's good, good! i had my pop up thing today, how's school going?" i ask, leaning back on my bed, so i'm lying down.

"it's okay, i mean, it's school." she chuckles. "how was the show?"

"it was great, but i almost forgot to play stitches." i say, as aaliyah laughs at me loudly. "shut up, it's easy to forget your set list."

"yeah, a set list of maybe twenty songs, not five songs." she snorts. "how's your girlfriend and the entire situation treating you?" aaliyah knows about my dream, and anya, of course, so i let out a long sigh, waiting to answer her.

"it's hard." i say quietly, standing up and walking onto the balcony so anya won't be able to hear me. "it's just like every time i see her, i feel like i can automatically just kiss her, or-or hug her, when in reality, the furthest i've gone with her is only holding her hand."

"i'm sorry," she says quietly to me. "but shawn, don't worry about it. you're you, i'm sure she's crushing on you."

"i wish, she was texting some guy today, and she was blushing when texting him too." i sigh. "i don't think she'll ever love me like how i love her."

"maybe you should find a side chick like what she's done." aaliyah tells me, making me laugh. "no, i'm serious. you could make her jealous by that too."

"what will make you think she'd be jealous?"

"well you are her boyfriend, it's worth a shot." she says, and i almost can imagine her shrugging. "alright, i gotta go, but text me later, yeah?"

"alright, love you." i finally sigh, smiling softly.

"love you too, talk to you later." she hangs up the phone, making me turn my phone off and slide it back into my pocket. i walk back into the main room, closing the door firmly behind me, and wandering back inside my bedroom.

picking up my guitar from the corner of my room, i sit down on the bed again, pulling out a notebook from my backpack which contains a few songs i've written over the past couple of days about, you guessed it, anya rose steinburg. i begin strumming a few chords, trying to come up with a melody and some random rifts which i could include in one of the songs.

then it hits me. what if i told you a story would be perfect to continue, considering the circumstances.

"what was that melody?" i mumble, scrunching up my face and trying to recreate it on guitar.

i continue working for hours, but it feels like minutes, up until the point where it is basically pitch black in my room. well, shit.

i gaze at my phone screen, seeing the one to be 8pm. sighing, i get up from my bed, wandering back into the main part of the suite, hearing nothing but an eerie silence; no sign of anya in the main suite. slowly, whilst my heart beats strongly against my chest, i wander up to the door of her room of the suite, knocking quietly against it.

"anya?" i question softly. "are you hungry?"

"n-not really." she sniffles, making my heart clench. "you grab something, i'll be fine."

"can i come in?" i ask her once more, completely dismissing what she told me to do.

"uh- s-sure." she mumbles once more, sniffling again. i crack open the door, shuffling inside, seeing her curled to the side of her bed, her body shaking with cries.

"oh my god, what's wrong?" i ask immediately, rushing to crouch down next to her bed. "hey, hey, anya, what's up? come on, talk to me." it takes me back to moments in my dreams where i would comfort her when she was in pain, and i feel my heart break, knowing that i can't hug her immediately, i can't try to take away the pain.

"i-it's nothing," she cries. "don't worry."

"it clearly is something if you're crying, anya, what's wrong?" she lets out a long sigh, sniffling after that.

"i-i just miss my brother, okay? j-just talking about it to-today, briefly even, h-hi-hit me way more than i thought." she hiccups, stuttering in her speech. "i was six when he died, s-six, how cou-could he leave me?"

"anya, please don't cry," i whisper. "i'm so sure that your brother wouldn't want you so upset like this." i say sadly, frowning at her, as she looks at me with her tear filled eyes. "hey, shh," i take a long shot, reaching forward and wiping away her tears. "don't cry, don't cry."

"i-i know i-i shouldn't be, it's just it's been s-so hard g-grow-growing up without him." she cries, more tears escaping her eyes.

"it must've been." i say quietly to her. "but do you know what?"

"what?" she asks, clueless, her voice cracking.

"i bet he would be so proud at you, i mean look at you, anya. i've barely even known you for a week, and you're probably the smartest person i've ever met. you're making him proud, i'm sure of it." i remind her. "i'm an older brother, and i know i'm always proud of my younger sister, and i forever will be, even if i die. it's just how brothers are."

"y-you really think so?" she stutters again, wiping away her tears.

"i know so," i say to her. "now why don't we get you up, and go and grab a meal somewhere, and then after that, maybe go on a late night walk?"

"t-that sounds perfect." she smiles sadly at me, making me smile back. "thank you, so much shawn."

"no worries. i'll be waiting in the main room for you, okay? we can go and get a nando's or something." i say, and immediately i see her face light up. i chuckle, shaking my head, before standing up and starting to walk out of the room.

"shawn, wait!" anya says loudly, making me turn around. she quickly scrambles out of the bed, rushing towards me, and hooking her arms around my neck. "thank you for making me feel better." i practically feel the butterflies trying to escape my stomach. slowly, i wrap my arms around her and all of the feelings of the endless cuddles, hugs and embraces come back to me. she lets go after a few moments, making me let go; even though i don't want to.

"it's okay." i reply, sending her a small smile. "yell when you want to go." i continue to walk out of her room, heading into the main room, where i sit down on one of the sofas.

i don't think i can do this anymore.
-
"why did you get flights at 3am?" i groan at andrew, pushing my luggage trolley to the check in point.

"shut up, it's easier for you, because literally no fans will come here at 3am." he responds, as i roll my eyes tiredly, lifting up my bags to put on the check in conveyer belt.

"so what time is the actual flight?" i ask once more, leaning on one foot.

"ten past five." i groan once more, picking up my backpack and hooking it over my arms, walking away from the check in section, making some space for the rest of my crew to put their own bags in.

"you wanna go grab a coffee as soon as we get past security?" anya asks me quietly. i shrug, leaning against the wall behind me. "shawn? what's up?"

"nothing." i mutter, turning away from her. "i'm just tired, that's all." i see andrew give me a glare, his eyes following to a few younger girls, who are all bubbly and excited to just catch a sight of me. i sigh softly, looking at anya once more. "come on, let's head to security first, then we can get something." she scrunches her face up in confusion, before shrugging and nodding at me. "hey guys? we're gonna head to security. see you at the gate?"

"you have your tickets, right?" geoff asks me. i nod, looking at anya, who's also nodding. "okay, we'll see you there."

slowly, i reach for anya's hand, the two of us heading to the security gates, waiting in the fairly short queue. "is everything okay?" anya whispers quietly to me.

"everything's fine." i snap back, making her jump slightly.

"i was just asking." she shoots at me, as i let out another sigh, dropping my shoulders and looking at her.

"can we just not do this here? i'm exhausted, and i just want to sit down." i say, physically and mentally exhausted, to her.

"oh come on shawn, everyone's tired, but at least we're all being civil." she grumbles, making my ears heat up, and suddenly i get annoyed.

"oh really? you know when we had dinner two nights ago, i didn't sleep that night, and i didn't sleep last night, i've been awake since two nights ago, i have the right to be exhausted." i snap. "wanna know why? i've been emotionally exhausted since my brain is constantly working." and it's also been exhausted from that stupid dream and loving you.

"hey, come here," she says quietly, leaning up and hugging me. "it's okay, i'm sorry for assuming things. if you ever need to talk, i'm here okay? don't be afraid to talk to me about things, i want to be someone who you can go to when you're upset." my face softens, and i hold her back, tucking my head into her neck.

"thank you," i mumble, as she runs her hands over my sides.

"just like you were there for me, i want to be there for you." i pull away from our hug, feeling some tears build at my eyes. i don't think my love for her will ever disappear. i love her too much to comprehend.

"will you come to dinner with me tomorrow night? well, the day after we arrive in australia?" she nods at me, sending a small smile my way.

"of course." she responds. "it'll make andrew happy to say so the least." i let out a tired laugh, rolling my eyes playfully at her. somehow i wish it would make her happy, because it certainly makes me happy. a date with anya? yes please.
-
"oh brian shut up," i chuckle, searching through my suitcase for something to wear to dinner. not anya and i's dinner, but the first crew dinner of the australian tour.

"what? you're like whipped because of that dream, come on, at least hook up with someone. they aren't real feelings you have, it's literally your brain messing with you." he scoffs, making me laugh again.

"i'm not gonna hook up with someone when i have a girlfriend, technically." i say to him, pulling out a black button up shirt.

"i'm sure she's still talking to boys, who's that nathan guy you were going on about to me?" i shrug at him, sighing.

"you really think i should? i mean, it is pretty obvious anya doesn't like me like i like her." i say, sitting on the edge of my bed.

"try to hook up with someone. if you can't, that's fine."

one hookup surely can't hurt, can it?
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merry christmas guys! hope you had a great day even if you don't celebrate it x