chapter thirty-six
reveries
[anya rose steinburg-mendes]
-
"oh how i love new york city," shawn says sarcastically, as the two of us get stuck behind a group of tourists. i chuckle, shaking my head, and pulling him past them, as we continue on our walk to andrews offices.

"chill, mendes, we'll be there in about ten minutes," i say, looking at my watch, and then the streets in front of us, which are crowded with people for mid december. "okay, maybe a little bit more, but that's okay!"

"i'm so glad that we won't have to leave a hotel for that wedding thing we're doing," shawn sighs in bliss, clutching onto my cold hand, with his warmer one. "anya! your hands are freezing, here, wear my gloves," shawn slips off the black gloves he was wearing, and placed them on my hands.

"shawn, now your hands are gonna get cold," i frown, as shawn sighs, laughing.

"oh well, at least you're warm," he says, as i shake my head, smiling softly. "come on, let's go do something that will make andrew annoyed."

"what do we do?" i ask him, clutching onto his arm with my hands.

"hmm, i honestly have no idea," he sighs, as i chuckle, swaying our hands together, whilst we battle the crowds of manhattan. "oh look, paparazzi."

"shawn! anya! how's the baby?"

"oh she's great," i grin mischievously, placing my hand over my puffer jacket.

"are you guys ready for parenthood?"

"definitely, just really excited now," shawn plays along, the two of us holding in our laughs. "the nursery is ready, it's just a waiting game now."

"will you be staying in toronto? how long is left till baby mendes arrives?"

"yes we will be, and another five months," i answer, speeding away from them, shawn following me eagerly.

"oh god, andrew is gonna kill us," shawn chuckles, as we enter the office building, laughing wildly at each other. "nice touch with the girl reference."

"nice touch with the nursery," i imitate, making him laugh. "we are one, funny married couple."

"we really are," shawn laughs, pressing his lips to mine, before we quickly run off, straight to andrews office. i trail behind shawn, still chuckling to myself about what happened, until we reach andrews door; shawn knocking against the hard wood, whilst i continue to laugh.

"hey, anya, shut up," shawn says to me, breathing out a chuckle. this only makes me laugh harder, till the point my stomach begins to ache.

looks like i don't need to go to the gym today.

"mr and mrs mendes, you two are so going to be killed by everyone," andrew says, opening the door, a very annoyed look on his face. "we literally just shut those rumours down, and now you've gone and said you are? wait, are you?"

"god no," i chuckle, walking in, and sitting in one of the chairs. "andrew, lighten up, it was a joke," i say, picking up a fresh water bottle from the mini fridge, next to the desk, and opening it up, taking a long sip.

"you two are kids, actual kids," andrew sighs, sitting back in his chair, as shawn laughs, leaning against the wall, his arms folded.

"uhm, gerty, we actually have something to tell you," i look at shawn, as he nods, walking over, and sitting down next to me.

"what have you done?" he groans, making shawn chuckle slightly.

"we don't want to end this marriage," i say, making andrew look at us, confusion over his face. "andrew, we're in love again, and we really want this to work, after all, it would've happened at some point."

"wait, so you guys realised that you still love each other? aw, i'm happy for you," he says, making shawn and i smile. "so this wedding thing coming up, it's real?"

"100%," i nod, sinking my teeth into my lower lip.

"andrew, we really want you to understand that we're taking things slow, and building it up to what it used to be." shawn says, sitting up straight. "so please, can we not have any models that i have to be seen with? we're in a good place and i don't want that to change."

"of course shawn, no, you're married now, none of that will be happening," shawn and i breathe a sigh of relief, looking at each other, before smiling gently. "okay, this wedding thing coming up, we're thinking of filming it and producing it into a short video."

"we'd love that," i grin, squeezing shawns hand. "so it's like an actual wedding?"

"basically, yeah," andrew nods. "they'll be no signing of anything though, since you've already done that, but you will be saying some vows, so i suggest you write some out before the day. or you don't have to, if you don't want to write it, and you'd rather say it directly." shawn and i nod, letting andrew continue. "now, rings, you'll be wearing your current ones, so there will be no official ring ceremony."

"that's fine," shawn says, rubbing his thumb over the back of my hand.

"and we're gonna have a photographer, not josiah, but you guys will be getting an album out of it, you know, as a little gift from island."

"that's sweet," i smile, as shawn chuckles.

"have you had the rsvp's yet?"

"yes, most people will be able to make it. it's just some of our friends who won't, but it's understandable, i mean, they have their own schedules. and i don't mean high school friends, because they can all come." shawn explains. "john said he's coming too."

"cool," andrew says, opening up his laptop, and typing away at a few things. "okay so i made an itinerary for the day, i'll email it to you guys anyway, but basically- oh no," he says, his eyes going wide at the screen. "oh fuck, no, this is bad."

"what happened?" shawn asks, a slight tone of anxiousness running through his voice. "andrew?"

"shawn, you've lost your stadium date in la," andrew says.

i look at shawn, and it seems as though all colour has drained from his face. the anger shows up first, but as soon as he sees the screen, that turns into sadness, and that turns into an expression i can't quite explain, but he looks numb. he looks like all the happiness has been drained out of him.

"oh my god," i mumble, squeezing shawns hand, as he quickly snatches it away, taking the laptop, and standing up.

"no!" he yells. "how? why?" he screams, tears pooling at his eyes.

"shawn-"

"shut the fuck up anya," he snaps, turning back to andrew. "why?"

"i-i don't know shawn, but listen, calm down, i'm gonna go and quickly ask someone to call about this, uh, stay here, don't break anything," andrew says, quickly rushing out of the office, leaving shawn and i alone.

"hey," i whisper, standing up, and taking the laptop from his shaky hands.

"i-i'm s-sorry for snap-"

"shh," i say to him, holding onto his hands. "don't worry, you're upset, it's okay," a tear rushes down his cheek, and his chest begins to rise and fall quickly. "shawn, look at me, you need to calm down before you get a panic attack."

he nods, turning his head to mine, as i reach up, cupping his cheek gently. "hey, it's okay, everything's okay, you're gonna get it back, i promise." he nods again, as i wipe away his tears slowly, leaning up, and pressing my lips to his cheek. "don't worry, okay baby?"

"baby," shawn mumbles, as if something clicks in him. "h-hold on a s-sec," he says, taking it his phone, and going onto twitter, scrolling through his timeline. "oh shit."

"what?"

"that joke we made," he groans, sitting down on his chair again. "they pulled out for your safety, are you actually kidding me?"

"shawn, i'm so sorry," i say quickly, shock evident on my face. "oh my god, i didn't think that would happen."

"don't worry, neither did i," shawn says, squeezing my hands gently, before pulling me softly onto his lap. "we'll find an excuse, and i'll get it back, it's okay."

"yeah," i nod, as shawn smiles, pressing his lips to my temple gently. "shawn-"

"anya, i said not to worry," he tells me quietly. "i'm not mad at you."

i bite back my tongue, nodding, as my cheeks flush gently.

truth is, my periods late.

ever since shawn and i made love, a couple weeks after we got back together, i knew that something went wrong. we used protection, but with most types of contraception, there's no guaranteed success.

and if i was to say something, i'm shit scared. i'm not ready for a child, and i don't think shawn is either. we're twenty-one, freshly married from a drunk night in vegas, and he's reaching the biggest part of his career so far; a stadium tour, in which his la show, has now been cancelled, because according to my quick maths, it would be the time our baby which andrew made up for press, would be due.

"hey, what's wrong?" shawn asks me, kissing my forehead again. i bite my lip, shaking my head.

"nothing, i'm just thinking things over," i lie, as shawn nods, rubbing his thumb over my hip. "hey, do you think i have to be here? i need to pick up a prescription from the doctors."

"we can easily go do it after-"

"shawn, they're gonna close early, and i know it's important for you to stay here, so how about i just go, and grab it and then meet you back at my place?" i suggest. shawn debates it, before nodding.

"okay, that does make more sense," he chuckles. "i'll meet you there, then," he grins, pecking my lips softly. "i love you."

"i love you," i respond, holding in my giddy smile. "i'll see you soon then, text me when you're done, okay?"

"will do, be safe hun," he says, as i climb off his lap.

"i will, and i hope everything's okay," i say gently, kissing his cheeks. "bye my love."

"bye angel," he chuckles, as i leave the office, leaving shawn, who obviously is still a little upset.

what the heck do i do?
-
"wait, so, you think you're pregnant?" hailey asks me, handing me a mug of tea, as i sigh, bringing my legs up on her couch. "anya, what have i told you about safe sex?" she laughs, making me roll my eyes.

"shut up! we were safe, i made sure of it," i blush, sighing gently. "what if i am?"

"well you go with it," she says gently to me. "shawn loves kids, and i know you do too. either way, it is a surprise, but you guys will do great, i assure you."

"how do i tell him? he's already getting stress because we lied about a baby! what do i say? oh hey shawn, you know how we lied about being pregnant, well congrats, you might be a father in nine months!" i say sarcastically. "he's going to hate me."

"why would he hate you? he loves you!" hailey says, slapping my leg. "anya, he won't hate you."

"he will! his la show got cancelled because of me being 'pregnant'! what the heck do i do if i really am?"

"well, his la show would pass, honey, you don't need to worry," she says to me. "i mean worry, you might be pregnant, but you don't need to worry about shawn not loving you. you just need to talk to him about it."

"hailey, i got married in september, in fucking vegas, and now i could be pregnant?" i say, in shock with myself. "i mean, i love shawn, i really do, but i'm just scared."

"and you have every right to be scared, but you know shawn, and you know that he will support you 100%. don't even deny that, anya," she says, as i let out a small sigh, taking a sip of my tea. "look, if you want me to, i'll go head to cvs, and buy you a test right now. you can take it here, and i'll be here to hold your hand before you go home and tell shawn, yeah?"

"thanks hails," i sigh gently, sending her a small smile. "wait, where's the nearest cvs?"

"literally a two minute walk away, i'll be back in a bit okay? relax, oh, and drink some water so you can pee," she says, making me laugh gently. "see you in a bit."

i take a large sigh, rubbing my fingers on my temple.

what if shawn gets angry? what if he doesn't want a baby yet? what if he hates the kid already? what if he blames his loss of career on me? what if he leaves me? what if he wants a divorce?

shut up! shawn would never, ever leave you, and you know that. if he wants a divorce, fuck him! you're a strong independent woman, and you can raise a child on your own.

but i don't want my child to end up like me, legally disowned from their father.

either way, shawn will support you, and if he doesn't, well, you make it clear that you don't need him.

i'd probably forget to feed the child without him. he's much more better with kids than i am.

oh well, you're screwed.

i might not even be pregnant! i don't know why i'm so worried.

there is a big fat chance you are, and that's why you're fucking worried. you're pregnant, just face it.

"i'm back!" i hear, as my eyes go wide. i look down at my watch, seeing ten minutes has gone, and i shake my head in shock. "okay, i didn't know which one to get, because i've never done this, but i bought clearblue, because there's loads of those adverts, oh, and it's one which says positive or negative, oh, and i bought three, just to be certain, and-"

"okay hailey, you can stop rambling now," i giggle, as she hands me the bag, rubbing my shoulder gently.

"don't worry, please don't. you're like my little sister, and i hate seeing you worried like this," she frowns. "hey, and if he dumps you, i'll always be here."

"what would i do without my best friend?" i mumble, leaning up, and wrapping one arm around her neck. "god hails, i love you."

"i love you more, baby girl, and i also hope your child is a girl, because damn, i'm gonna be the best aunt out there," she chuckles. "okay, go take it."

"call shawn for me will you? tell him to come here, and then him and i can walk home." i say, as she nods, taking my empty mug from my hands.

"will do," she says. "good luck, anya, and remember, whatever it is, don't worry, okay?"

three tests. three sticks. three tests.

just pee on them already!

how the heck do i tell shawn?

you can worry about that after, just take the damn test!

what if he doesn't want a baby?

of course he does, he's shawn. he wanted a baby when you were 18.

what if i don't want a baby?

you do, you're just not ready.

if i'm not ready, why did i get myself into this mess?

it was an accident, it happens. you just have to remember that whatever happens, you will have a child. your priority is your child now, not you.

oh shit. oh shit. oh shit.

positive. positive. positive.