chapter nineteen
reveries
[anya rose steinburg]
-
on the outside, i probably look ecstatic, happy, jovial, but on the inside, all i can describe myself as is numb. i feel numb. i've lost my baby, i've lost my dad, and i almost lost shawn; i hate to admit it, but shawn has become the most important person in my life recently, and i just hope that he stays with me no matter what.

"what are you thinking about, love?" shawn asks me, hooking his arms around my waist, as i smile gently, settling into his embrace, looking over the scenery of toronto, since we are back at shawns condo for his 19th birthday celebrations.

"you know, stuff," i say softly, holding onto shawns hands that remain around my waist, as he hums, trailing his lips down my neck, sucking softly at the smooth skin.

"come back inside, hun. i can make some dinner, and we can eat, watching greys anatomy, and cuddle for a bit?" he suggests, bringing his lips to my cheek, pressing a soft kiss onto my blushing skin.

"shawn, andrew, geoff and charlie are inside, how are we supposed to have a cozy night in?" i ask him with a small chuckle.

"i'll kick them out," he whispers, making me chuckle, rolling my eyes. "i'm serious, come on." i give in, dropping my shoulders, as shawn grins, pulling me by my hands, back inside his condo, where charlie, andrew, and geoff are.

"alright guys, get out, my girl and i are having a date." shawn says simply, holding onto my hand.

"oh you are?" geoff asks sarcastically. "alright, what time should i bring the pre club drinks here tomorrow?"

"2ish? i don't know, it's only gonna be ian, brian, jon, ian, matt, lyall, and the usual gang here before, then after that we'll meet everyone at the club. i know ian and matt are staying the night, and then on my birthday, could you come round at 4 to help me take a few things to the venue?" shawn asks, as the three boys get up, collecting their things, and heading towards the door.

"yeah, that's fine." he nods. "see you tomorrow then."

"alright, thanks geoff," shawn hugs him goodbye, followed by andrew and charlie, before i bid them goodbye, and the three leave, letting shawn and i finally breathe a sigh of relief.

"i love your crew, don't get me wrong, but we can never be an actual couple around them." i say to him quietly, walking to his kitchen, and opening the fridge.

"yeah we can! they can complain all they want." shawn smirks at me, as i playfully roll my eyes. "alright, what should i cook?"

"you mean, what should i cook? shawn, you can't cook, and i don't want to get food poisoning tonight." shawn scoffs at me, rolling his eyes.

"we'll cook together then." he says, chucking me an apron.

"you have cooking aprons?" i scoff, holding up the fairly large apron in my hands.

"correction, i have one apron, i'll wear the chefs hat, since i'm head chef." he says, taking out the hat, and placing it over his curls. i chuckle softly, unfolding my arms, and picking up the apron, unfolding it, and walking up to shawns figure, draping it over his neck, before snatching the hat from his head.

"correction, i'm head chef, since i'm the only one who can cook." i say, placing the chefs hat over my head. "now put some music on, and we'll make some good ass food."

"that's my girl," he grins, leaning down, and kissing my cheek lightly, before strolling to his google home, and asking it to play one of his playlists.

"was this your way to get me to cook?" i scoff, placing my hands on my hips, as shawn cheekily smiles, blessed by daniel caesar filling the kitchen.

"well, it worked, right?" he grins, leaning down and pecking my lips gently. "so, what's for dinner, head chef?"

"let's make a vegetable stir fry with noodles," i decide, pulling away from shawn, and opening his fridge, taking out a variety of vegetables which karen filled his fridge with, just before we came back from tour. "you have noodles, right?"

"yeah, i've got a couple packs of dried noodles, should i cook those?" he asks, reaching up into a cabinet, and takin out the packets.

"not yet, help me prep the veg first." i say. "do you have any tofu, or chicken?"

"mum put some roast chicken leftovers from last night in," shawn says, taking out a container from the fridge. "can we season them again?"

"i can fry them in a chinese style sauce i guess," i say, taking the chicken from his hands, and placing it on the counter, before walking to shawns spice rack, which karen also filled for him, and taking out various different spices to make the stir fry.

while i start to cut up the veg, i feel shawn wrap his arms around my waist, as he plants a soft kiss against my cheek. "you want some wine, baby girl?"

"no thanks, can i just have a juice or soda?" i tell him, cutting up the baby corn. he nods against my neck, pulling his arms away from me, opening the fridge again. he hums to the music, strolling around his kitchen to prepare our drinks, before he places an orange juice on the counter next to me, and holds his wine in his hand.

i finish up prepping the vegetables, and i quickly start getting the spices ready, preparing the pan for the vegetables.

"did your mom teach you how to cook?" shawn asks me, leaning his hand on the counter. i smile softly, shaking my head.

"no, my grandma did actually. my mom taught me a few dishes after i learnt how to cook from my grandma." i explain. "to be fair, my mom was never the best cook, she never really did cook an entire meal for the house."

"your family lives together, right? all of you, under one roof?" i nod again, putting the vegetables into the pan.

"yeah, we're a big family, but it's nice. i mean, what's the point of having a huge house, with loads of rooms unoccupied?" i ask him, stirring the vegetables. "i loved it. growing up was always fun. my cousins and i always used to get into trouble. i remember sneaking out when i was 16, just so we could go to a party, or to the beach in summer. i miss those days."

"do you ever wish you could go back to living there?" he asks me gently, putting the noodles into another pan.

"i do, all the time." i answer truthfully. "to be fair, i am thinking of moving there for a bit, you know, since i'm on online university now." i bite my lower lip. "you can come with me, if you want."

"really? i would love to." he smiles. "i wanna meet the rest of them."

"you should, they will love you." i say to him, with a light chuckle. "maybe before barcelona we can go there?"

"sure, i don't mind." he says softly. "after la?" i nod, sending him another smile, before adding the chicken to the mix, stir frying it with the veg.

"maybe next year we can do some travelling," shawn suggests. "i'd love to explore more of asia."

"same here, let's go to india, or thailand." i say to him gently. "poppy went to india last year, she loved it."

"did she?" shawn asks me, as i nod. "well, we can maybe book a few things tonight, yeah?" i smile softly, nodding my head at shawn, as i finish up cooking dinner.

shawn drains the noodles, plating them up in two bowls, followed by the vegetables and chicken. after he takes the two bowls to the dining table, he comes back, picking up his wine glass, whilst i follow him to the table, sitting down opposite him.

it's small gestures, like us having dinner together, that make me happy and content. i couldn't be more thankful for shawn.
-
"can i just stay here?" i ask shawn, as we all finish up the small get together, about to head out to the club, for the day before shawns birthday celebrations. "i'm not in the mood to go to a club."

"but anya, you're already ready to go, and you've been okay-"

"well i'm not okay now," i say to him, looking away from his eyes.

"hunny, come here," he whispers, holding his arms out for a hug, as he places his jacket back onto the couch. "we'll stay here tonight, okay? everyone else can go to the club, but if you wanna stay here, we will."

"no, shawn, it's for your birthday, you want to go, i know you do." i say to him, looking up from his chest. "i'll be fine on my own."

"but i want to be with you," he says. "we can have our own party, here. how does that sound? maybe binge some gossip girl, make some ice cream sundaes?" i feel my cheeks heat up, as shawn places a kiss on my forehead. "anya rose, i love you, and i'm gonna make sure that you're happy."

my heart begins to race, as he leans down, pecking my lips gently, before pulling away, and snaking his arms away from my hips. "i'll go tell everyone that we're not gonna make it."

"shawn, let's just go, after all, it is your birthday." i say quietly to him.

"baby, don't worry," he says gently to me. "we're gonna be at the club tomorrow anyway, and this way, i can count my birthday in with you." i feel my cheeks heat up, as he chuckles, kissing my forehead. "i'll be back in a second, let me just tell geoff we're not gonna come." he pulls away from me, wandering through his condo, whilst he slips off of his shoes, and placing his phone down onto the counter.

i definitely feel selfish, but after everything that's happened, i really don't want to go to a club, and after all, shawn could have gone on his own, but i guess he knows how i might be feeling.

"alright, come on, we'll go have a tv night. will you go get all the blankets in the condo and put them on our bed?" i blush at the mention of our, before smiling gently at shawn, leaning up, and pressing my lips to his cheek. "i'll bring a tub of ice cream and whipped cream, okay?"

"thanks shawn, i-" i cut myself off, my cheeks still flushing wildly. "i really appreciate it."

"no problem, i know how your feeling, and i should've taken your thoughts into consideration when i was planning to go to a club." he chuckles. "it's okay though, i'm not too much of a party person anyway."

"anti party, i know, camila was telling me. she was surprised that you even planned to go to the club." i giggle, as shawn smiles, opening his freezer, and taking out a tub of ice cream. "see you in a minute?"

"of course, darling." he says softly. "turn on netflix too."
-
"wanna tell me why you didn't want to go?" shawn whispers, spooning my body, as the quiet hum of the random episode of gossip girl echoes through the room. i let out a sigh, whilst shawn presses his lips delicately on my bare shoulder, the thin cami straps resting over my skin, the room way too hot for shawn and i to handle.

"i-i don't know," i whisper back. "i-i guess it-it all just got to m-me tonight. i-i really didn't want to go clubbing."

"i'm so sorry, darling," he runs his fingertips over my stomach, tracing small patterns over it. "i really don't know what to say in this situation, so i hope you don't mind me not saying too much, apart from saying i'm sorry."

"don't worry," i mumble, turning around, so i'm facing shawn, as i trail my fingers up to his cheek. "i'm sorry i made you miss a birthday thing."

"stop, i didn't even want to go in the first place," he says with a low chuckle. "i'd much rather count my birthday in, with my girlfriend, in a cozy setting."

"speaking of, only a few more minutes babe," i say gently to him, smiling, as he grins back at me, tucking a piece of my hair behind my ear.

"well, technically about eight hours, but i'm not counting." he chuckles, rubbing our legs together. "i have a strong feeling that 19 is going to be great, for the both of us."

"me too, i can't wait to see what next year holds." i respond, as shawn beams, leaning down, and pecking my lips. i sigh gently, looking at shawns digital alarm clock, which says it's midnight, and now shawns birthday. "hey, it's the 8th, happy birthday shawn," i say, pressing my lips to his once more.

"thank you hunny," he says, pulling away from the kiss, and resting our foreheads together.

"finally 19, eh?" i smirk, as shawn chuckles once more, pulling me into his arms, so i'm resting my head over his chest.

"finally," he jokes, running his fingertips through my hair. "i love you," he hums, making my cheeks flush, and myself smile gently. i take a shaky breath, pushing out a smile. just say it, you idiot. it's not like he's going to freak out.

"i-i love you," i respond, feeling one hundred percent certain that i truly do. shawns been there for me in my darkest days, and i'd be an idiot to not love him. after all, he gives me everything, and in return, i've never given him anything. hopefully this can stick up for it.

shawns smile, and the look on his face, is enough to rid me of the thoughts of my miscarriage, and everything that went on with nathan, including the rape. he looks at me, astonished, before holding onto my hands, and squeezing them gently.

"r-really?" he stutters, his cheeks pink, and his skin glowing with love.

"yeah," i nod, feeling more confident in myself. "i love you, shawn."

"holy crap, i'm so in love with you," he says quickly, before pushing his lips onto mine, kissing me ever so gently. "so," he pulls away, only to kiss me again. "in," another kiss. "love." you guessed it, another kiss. "i'm so glad we stayed home."

my heart flutters again, as i let out a small giggle, resting my head against shawns chest.

"darling, i never thought i would love someone as much as i love you," he whispers. "i-i never thought i would ever get you."

"well you have me, and i promise you, that won't change for a while." he kisses my forehead softly, pulling away, and hugging my body in his strong arms.

"best birthday ever," he hums, as i shut my eyes, smiling widely against his bare chest.

for the first time in practically forever, i finally felt content.
-
"woah!" shawn gasps, cutting into one of his cakes, the middle exploding with chocolate m&ms. i chuckle, holding onto the plate, whilst he cuts out a slice, picking it up, and holding it in front of my face. "go on, try it first."

"shut up, it's your birthday!" i say, putting the plate on the table next to us, and taking the cake from his hands, holding it up to his lips. "come on shawn, take a bite." the party laughs, as cameras flash around us, shawns party photographer, and the venues photographer taking photos of shawn.

"fine," he says to me, biting into the cake, icing smearing over the top of his lip. i giggle, placing the cake down, and raising my thumb to his lip, wiping away the icing. "that was good, too good." he says, picking up the slice, and holding it in front of my face. "eat."

i smile, taking a small bite, and feeling the flavours explode in my mouth. shawn grins, leaning down, and pecking my lips, as soon as i had finished my bite.

"i'm gonna go and find my mum for a second, i'll see you in a minute, okay?" shawn says, whilst the crowd escapes from around us, shawn hastily pressing his lips to my cheek.

"alright, i'll be outside," i grin at him, before rushing past, and straight onto the balcony, where i see brian, and a few more of shawns friends standing around, and drinking various different beverages.

"hey anya," they all echo, as i smile, joining the group.

"hey guys, listen, i wanna push shawn into the pool. will you help me?" i say, a mischievous smirk on my face. "i know charlie's gonna help, but will you guys help me plan it out?"

"of course!" ian bursts, making the group laugh. "how about we talk to him, you sneak up next to him, and push him into the pool."

"no, that's too easy, just push him in," brian tells me, shrugging. i nod, agreeing. "shawns clumsy anyway, he'd probably make it even more funny by trying to save himself with a trip."

"make sure you guys film this, i'm gonna go and find him, and lead him to where the pool is." i say, with a laugh, whilst his friends nod, laughing with me. i quickly walk away from the scene, trying to find shawn.

when i finally do, he's looking around the area, before his eyes land on me, and he drops his shoulders, quickly rushing forwards.

"hey hun, wanna go grab a drink with me?" he offers, draping an arm over my shoulders.

"actually, can we go and take some photos with the view? it just hit me that we haven't taken any, and i want a few for my photo wall." i say, quickly making up an excuse, which isn't really entirely false.

"okay, that sounds good," he grins, taking out his phone from his pocket, and leading me outside, where we wander to the balcony edge, whilst shawn hands his phone to someone to take the picture.

we pose for a few shots, shawns arms around my waist, the two of us almost recreating a prom picture, the background of the toronto skyline behind us.

"thanks man," shawn says, taking his phone back, scrolling through the pictures.

"let me see," i say, as we walk along the poolside, shawn handing me his phone. i gaze at the pictures, pretending i'm interested in his phone, before i reach my hand to his side, pushing him quickly down, as he falls into the pool, tripping as he falls.

shawn lets out a yelp, making me burst out into laughter, and drop his phone on the decking. the water around him echoes a giant splash, whilst everyone around the scene begins to laugh, after the initial shock died down. shawn emerges, shaking his curls about, whilst rubbing at his eyes.

"oh anya rose," he says teasingly, smirking at me. "you are one funny, funny, lover."

"i know," i giggle, whilst shawn moves forward, to the edge of the pool, which coincidentally is right in front of me. "shawn- no-" shawns fingers find their way over my ankles, whilst he gently tugs, making me trip into the pool with him, falling directing into his arms.

"i hate you!" i laugh, as shawn holds me under the water, the two of us laughing at each other's frantic behaviour.

"no you don't, you love me," he smirks again, pressing his lips against my cheek repeatedly. "did you have a plan to push me in?"

"charlie was gonna do it, but then i said i would, and he said okay, but as long as he got to see it, which he did," i giggle, pointing my head to charlie, who's laughing wildly at shawn and i.

"i adore you, anya rose," he grins, cupping both of my cheeks, leaning down, and pressing our foreheads together.

"happy birthday, shawn," i say quietly to him.

his smile, and his contentment, is all i can ask for when i'm upset or down. somehow, his happiness is enough to make me happy, and i'm glad about that.