chapter fourteen
reveries
[anya rose steinburg]
-
"this video looks insane! anya, look!" shawn shoves his laptop in my face for probably the sixth time today, to show me the music video for there's nothing holdin' me back. i groan, taking his laptop from him, shutting it, and pushing it onto the table. "hey! it was about to get to the best part!"

yeah, the parts that make me feel jealous for no actual reason. i shouldn't even be jealous, ellie was the nicest person ever, when she was with us.

"you've shown it to me six times today! six!" i groan back at him, as he chuckles, grabbing his laptop again. "i am not sitting through that video and watching your obnoxious face over and over again."

"you watch my obnoxious face every single day." he points out.

"yeah but watching that video will mean that i would have to see your obnoxious face twice, in one go." i shoot back. "and you just called yourself obnoxious, well done shawn, you officially have the brain of a rat."

"my fans call me a rat," he says, as i raise my eyebrows at him, resting my feet on his lap. "no, no! it's a joke, i think," he chuckles, taking his phone out and typing away a few things. "see? if i search shawn is a rat on twitter, loads of things come up."

"that's because you are a rat," i say to him, pushing his hand and phone away from my face. "shawn, please don't, i'm not in the mood."

"what's up? you were fine yesterday." he says to me, pulling my legs over his lap further, before resting his hands over my knees. "everything okay?"

"everything's fine." i mutter, removing my legs from shawns lap, standing up and rushing to my bunk, sitting inside it, and pulling the curtain.

i sit down, bringing my legs to my chest, letting out a small sigh.

how can he be kissing me one minute, and then kissing ellie for 'practice' the next? how can he flirt with me, and then flirt with some random girl at a random bar, after?

"boo," shawn chuckles, opening up my curtain. "come out, we're going on a walk."

"shawn i don't want to." i moan, as he chuckles once more, dragging me out by my hands.

"i'm not taking no for an answer. it's a beautiful day here in london, and we're not free tomorrow, because it's the first london show, so lets go," he pulls me out of the bus, and i groan, the sunlight of the area outside our usual london hotel hitting me. since we can't check in until later tonight, we're staying in the bus for a bit.

"shawn seriously, i don't even want to do this, i don't know why you're dragging me around, thinking i'm gonna enjoy-" i get cut off, as shawn opens up a door, chuckling softly, before closing it behind me, revealing the inside to the national theatre. i gasp softly, looking at him gently. "shawn?"

"we are going to go watch a showing of the importance of being earnest, and then after that, we're going to that mexican restaurant. after that, we're going back to the hotel, where you and i have a pool on the balcony of our hotel room, since andrew got us the penthouse." he explains, a grin on his lips.

"shawn!" i squeal, smiling widely at him. "you're actually going to sit though the importance of being earnest with me?" i ask him hopefully.

"well i did sit through gatsby with you." he says, rubbing the back of his head gently. "listen, i know things have been a little crazy between us, but i hope," he pauses, reaching for my hands, making me blush wildly. "i hope we can move past this and continue going forward."

"i'd like that," i smile at him softly, letting go of one of his hands, holding onto his other one, as he leads me further into the theatre.

shawn mendes, he's definitely a special one.
-
"i really liked that play, it was different to what i thought it would be." shawn chuckles, as he two of us float in the pool, the very warm evening for london stuck in the air around us.

"you do realise that play is literally an entire metaphor for being pretentious? oscar wilde himself was quite a ludicrous, yet prestige playwright. very similar to fitzgerald and austen, i'd say." i say to him, raising my eyebrows.

"no, not that, it's just the way everything was. i really liked it, honestly. i think you're really getting me into literature." he chuckles, swimming closer to me.

"really? that makes me happy to hear." i grin at him, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. "shawn?" i ask him, after a few silent moments.

"yeah?" he looks back at me, his curls wet from the water, and little droplets sliding down his face.

"why did you do this?" i ask him quietly. "i've been nothing but a down person these past few weeks, why would you do this for me?"

"i guess i wanted to tell you something, without telling you it directly," he shrugs, as i look at him curiously.

"what do you mean, shawn?" he lets out a long sigh, his face holding a debate on its own.

"you remember that girl i had... problems with last year?" he begins, his tone careful and nervous. i nod, feeling my heart sink slightly, but i still continue to listen to him. "what if i told you, that girl was closer than you think? sorry, is closer than you think?"

"shawn you really aren't-" i'm about to say he's really not making any sense, but he cuts me off.

"no i am, trust me," he says quickly. "this girl, i fell in love with. i didn't realise how in love i would be, but the last couple months really has shown my true extent of love to her. i know it's immoral, how can i even love someone from a dream? but no one understands; this dream was weird. it was so lifelike. i loved her, i found out everything about her, and these things matched her actual personality in real life." he explains, letting out a bewildered chuckle.

"who is she?" i ask him gently, as he bites his lower lip, looking down at the waters.

"i-i can't tell you that," i sigh loudly at him, folding my arms under the water, as he sighs at me. "anya don't get moody at me, please? i just can't tell you, please accept that?"

"i want to, but shawn, i've told you everything about who i liked, and you helped me with that. if you just told me who this girl is, then maybe i could-"

"it's you, okay?" shawn bursts, making me stop still, relaxing my shoulders, and suddenly feeling nervous. "i'm in love with you, okay?" he yells, his neck vein clenching out of his skin. i gulp back my nerves, feeling my cheeks flush wildly, before my entire body heats up, the water not cooling it down at all.

"shawn-"

"no," he mutters, bitterly. "every single fucking day, every single day since i've met you, i have been head over heels in love with you. i cant think straight when i'm around you, i can't even cope with my own feelings when i'm with you. i didn't realise that i could fall in love even more, until we actually properly started to get to know each other, and oh god, when i say i fell, i mean that i fell, and i'm still falling deep down a never ending depth."

i feel my words get caught up in my throat, as every little thing shawn has ever said to me, or done to me, comes rushing back. i remember all the days where he used to flirt with me, where he never, ever mentioned my name, where he kept staring at me on that second day in london.

"s-shawn, i-i-"

"don't say anything, i know i was being immoral, but there it is, i've said it," he snaps. "happy now?" he quickly jumps out of the water, pulling a towel around him, before he walks back into the penthouse. i sigh again, getting out of the pool, wrapping a towel around me, before quickly following shawn into the penthouse.

"shawn!" i yell, seeing him racing up the wooden steps and straight into his room. "shawn!" i groan, following him, seeing a closed door as soon as i get up the steps. i grumble for a few moments, before opening the door up, not even bothering to ask if i could come in.

"get out!" he yells at me, making me jump and flinch, the memories of how nathan treated me rushing through my mind. "oh shit- anya, fuck, i'm so sorry," he quickly says, sinking his shoulders down, as he looks at me concerned.

"please don't fight with me," i mumble, walking up to his seated body, crouching down in front of him. "i'm not mad at you for liking me."

"but- wait, you're not?" he asks, confused, his face furrowing. i chuckle softly at him, shaking my head.

"i'm not," i repeat. "in fact, i'm okay with it."

"y-you are? you're okay with me being in love with you to the point i had a dream we got married and had a kid?" he bursts, making me feel slightly worried, but nevertheless, still amused by shawns confusion.

"i mean, that's another level of crazy, but hey, it's you and i, we're both utterly crazy, shawn," i remind him, with a light laugh.

"s-so where does this leave us?" he asks quietly, as i stand up, shawn following my actions. i bite my lower lip, snaking an arm around his bare torso, tracing my fingertips over his mid back.

"what do you want?" i whisper back, leaning up ever so slightly, so our lips are closer together.

"anything," he murmurs quietly to me, inching closer so his words make our lips lightly brush together.

"good," i say, closing the gap between us, kissing him ever so gently. i feel him smile into the kiss, his arms wrapping themselves around me.

"so this contract between us," he pulls away from the kiss, cupping my cheeks. "it's not fake anymore?"

"maybe not," i grin back at him, as he chuckles, leaning back down and capturing my lips in his. i kiss back for a few moments, before automatically pulling away from him, biting my lip gently, worry filling my blood.

"hey, what's wrong?" he asks me, running his thumb over my cheek.

"w-will you ever hurt me?" i croak out, looking up at him, as he automatically lets out a small sigh, shuffling closer towards me.

"baby," he coos, letting go of my cheeks, and holding onto my hands. "i'll go as slow as you want me to, i will never, ever hurt you." he says quietly. "for now, we'll ease ourselves into this, and as time develops, we'll see what happens, okay? i want you to fully trust me before you jump back into a relationship." i nod, smiling sadly at him.

"thanks shawn," i let out a breathy chuckle, as he smiles brightly, squeezing my hands. "i still can't believe you've kept this away from me, for months."

"neither can i," he admits shyly. "but honestly, anya, the moment i laid eyes on you, i felt something. you really took my breath away." i feel a blush arise on me cheeks, as i laugh softly, looking down.

"i wish i knew earlier, i must've already hurt you so much." he lets out another sigh, placing his fingertips on my chin, and gently pushing up.

"at least you know now, and please don't worry about it. i regret telling you to go for nathan, because if i didn't, those things might not have happened," he frowns. "don't be upset about hurting me, it's okay."

"but all those girls- why?"

"i needed to distract my mind somehow," he says quietly, looking away from me, and removing his fingertips from my chin. "i thought we would stay just friends forever."

i stay quiet and ponder for a few moments, before shawn removes his fingers from my chin, placing his hands into mine again.

"i'm gonna go and change, as much as i love bathing suits, i can't sleep in them." i tell him, with a soft chuckle soon after.

"come back here after?" he asks me gently, moving his hands to my sides, and squeezing my waist softly. i nod, as he smiles, kissing my forehead, letting me leave the room.

i escape to my room of the penthouse, changing quickly out of my bikini, and into a silk pyjama set, the cool material resting over my warm skin.

am i really doing the right thing?
-
"anya!" andrew snaps me out of my trance backstage, as i quickly shake my head, noticing the busy scene around me.

"sorry, what?" i ask, utterly confused.

"i asked if you're gonna head to the crowd?" he chuckles, as i look out at the stage, seeing shawn singing and strumming away. "what's going on with you two? you literally haven't stopped staring at shawn for the past half an hour whilst he's been on stage."

"what? nothing?" i question, trying to change my tone of voice, but probably looking even more confused than i already was.

"alright then," andrew laughs, folding his arms. "are you gonna go out though?"

"yeah, maybe in a bit," i shrug, looking at the empty barrier in front of the front row. "when's shawns change over to the b-stage?"

"in a couple songs time. he'll be coming round this way." andrew tells me, as i nod, biting my lower lip softly. "do you want to go to the side he comes out at? it's a little bit less hectic as he waits there for a couple seconds, before stepping out." i nod my head at andrew, as he chuckles, unfolding his arms. "okay, i'll get security to take you there."

andrew rushes off to find a couple of security guards, as i fold my arms, chewing on my bottom lip nervously.

is this what i want? is shawn what i want? am i doing the right thing by slowly easing myself into a relationship with him, without even admitting that i like him back?

andrew comes back with a security guard, and immediately i am escorted away, and round the endless corridors of the backstage area, before we end up at another entrance to the arena in which shawns going to take.

the changeover music fills the arena, and i gulp back my nervousness, the butterflies speeding around my entire body, my fingers and toes tingling wildly. that, or i'm sweating because of the heat.

all of a sudden, the doors next to me open, and shawn and his security team come laughing out. shawn sees me immediately, and his face lights up, as he makes a quick turn to walk over to me, but i'm already running away, back the way that i came, feeling the tears burn in my eyes, and shawns disappointed stare bore into me. i feel the urge to be sick, and i sprint towards the dressing room bathrooms, emptying the contents of my stomach into a toilet bowl, feeling the tears rush down my cheeks, and my breathing to increase rapidly.

the consecutive tears don't stop sliding down my cheeks, each one making me feel more and more panicked, worried, and anxious about everything. not to mention the entire scared tone running through my body; i'm petrified.

"anya? everything okay?" someone enters the toilets, and i recognise the voice to be chris. "you ran straight for the bathroom crying, anya?"

"i-i'm f-fine," i stutter, quickly wiping my cheeks and trying to steady my breathing. shakily, i stand up, flushing the toilet, and opening up the locked cubical door, seeing chris looking at me, an extreme expression of worry settling over her face.

"oh my god, anya, your face has gone so pale," chris says, rushing up to me, and embracing me in her arms, as i cry into her shoulder, my body shaking with each sob.

"i-i don't know wh-what to do-" i choke out, crying loudly into her shoulder.

"shh, anya, what's going on?" she asks me, rubbing my back softly.

"so much," i cry, sniffling, as i pull away from her shoulder and the hug, folding my arms. "i-if i-i told you, o-oh my god."

"what did shawn do?" chris questions with a small sigh.

"h-he did nothing," i whisper. "c-chris, i-i-"

"come on, you can tell me," she says softly, rubbing my back gently with one of her hands.

"n-nathan-" i mumble, the tears springing to my eyes again. "he-he a-abused me," chris gasps, as i let the tears fall from my eyes. "h-he r-ra-"

"shh, you don't have to finish it," she quietly says to me. "oh anya, i'm so sorry, but why did you run away from shawn?"

"i-i don't know," i mumble, bringing my hands to my face, crying into them. "i-i'm so scared."

"of what, anya?" she asks me gently. "shawns not going to ever hurt you." i sniffle softly, rubbing my eyes.

"oh my god, there you are! why did you run away from me? why-" the door opens and shawn bursts through, his chest rising and falling quickly. "darling?"

"i'm gonna leave you guys to talk," chris rubs my back once more, before squeezing my arm gently, and walking out, past shawn.

"come on baby, let's go to my dressing room," shawn says quietly, holding his hand out. i take it gently, as he guides me to his dressing room, letting me sit down on the couch there. "what's wrong?" shawn sits down next to me, placing his hand on my back gently.

"n-nothing," i whisper, wiping my tears.

"anya," shawn says quietly, bringing my emotionally exhausted body into his arms, placing a kiss on my head. "i'm not going to hurt you."

"how do i know that?" i burst, pushing myself away from him, glaring through my tears. "how do i know that whatever this is, won't turn out like the past two relationships i've had?" i yell, the tears not stopping from flowing down my cheeks.

"because i'm not like them," shawn reminds me softly, standing up, and holding out his hand again. "i will not ever hurt you, anya, please understand that."

"how do you know that?" i yell at him,'my cries turning into hysterics.

"because if you don't realise, i've had a dream about loving you for eight years!" shawn bursts, letting out a tired chuckle at the end. "why would you ever think that i would hurt you? i will never, ever hurt you like they did, anya, i promise."

"how do you know that?" i whisper, feeling the sadness consume my body rapidly, as shawns face falls. "i-i keep going every single day, t-thinking that everything will g-go back to normal, but it won't! i-it never will, i-i never will."

"anya, listen to me, i assure you, things will get better. i'll always be there for you, please don't worry." he tells me quietly, reaching for my hand, and knitting it with his. "things will get better, i promise."

i let out a shaky sigh, nodding my head gently at him, before i let my hand fall limp into his.

"come here," shawn says quietly, making me walk into his embrace, drawing my fingers over his shoulders, resting my head underneath the crook of his neck. "i love you, okay?" i immediately look up from his neck, as he lets out a small, nervous chuckle, shaking his head. "anya, how can i not? i think you forget i've loved you longer than you can even imagine."

"i-"

"you don't have to say it back at all, okay? just know that i do, and because of that, i'm always going to be here for you, no matter the circumstances." he murmurs, bringing one of his hands up to cup my cheek lightly, rubbing my cheek with his thumb. "don't worry."

realisation settles over me, and i notice how close shawns lips are to mine. his mouth goes slightly ajar, as my eyes trail to his lips, breaking our eye contact completely. he sucks in a sharp breath, the small smile on his lips disappearing, as the corners of his lips fall slightly. i lean up, connecting our lips to one another, feeling shawn jump slightly in shock, before he settles, and leans into the kiss further. i feel my heart race, and my cheeks heat up wildly, shawns hands racing down my sides, and his hands gently holding my waist.

"we should head into the green room," shawn says softly, pulling away. "andrew said that there's press backstage, and they want a few photos of us, are you okay to go out?"

"yeah, hold on though," i pull away from shawns touch, opening the small freezer in his dressing room, and taking out a cube of ice, running it over the red, blotchy parts of my skin, settling it, and making it look like i was not crying.

"ready to go?" shawn asks me, as i wipe my face down with a face towel shawn has in here. i nod, feeling my fingers grasp his, the two of us walking out, hands intertwined, and myself feeling slightly more settled than i was.

"there they are! adam, i'd like you to meet shawn mendes, and anya steinburg. shawn, anya, this is adam tyson, he's a representative from elle, wanting to do an article on you two."

tyson? where the hell do i recognise that from? it seems so utterly familiar to me.

"-i would love to talk to you guys on another level, maybe schedule a photoshoot?" this adam guy tells shawn and i, myself snapping back into reality.

"sure! contact andrew and i'm sure we can arrange something, i'm in london for the next two weeks or so, anytime between now and then, apart from tomorrow and the 10th should be great to talk." shawn answers.

"that would be great, i'm sure i can get a photographer to follow you two around, and we can get some street shots instead of any typical shots." adam replies, his british accent accompanying his excited tone.

"okay, that sounds good, hope to hear from you soon then." shawn shakes his hand, before adam walks away, leaving shawn, andrew and i standing there.

"great guy, he is. he was put in foster care from 17, and by the age of 19, he had his own apartment, in the middle of an internship at elle. he's worked his way all the way up to a regular celebrity articles. he's even done one on elton john."

"wow, that's impressive. how old is he?" shawn asks, still clutching onto my hand.

"29." andrew answers simply, making shawn raise his eyebrows. "poor kid, he had a hard life with his birth parents too."

"andrew, why are you calling him a kid? he's older than you, you're 29 later this year." shawn chuckles.

"still, his parents forced him to be considered for social services. apparently they said he hit his little sister, just so the parents would get a rest from his reckless behaviour outside of home."

"that's crazy," shawn says, his eyes widening. "anyway, anya and i are gonna get going. she's tired, and so am i. see you tomorrow morning."

then it hits me. tyson was my mother's maiden name.
-
drama?