chapter forty-six
reveries
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anya stares down at her wedding band and engagement ring, the diamonds glistening in the sun, catching the light and reflecting it onto her glowing skin. she slips the bands off, examining them, before putting them back on, and looking at the pool again.

she sees shawn, avery, aaliyah, and lucas in the pool, trying to entertain her curious child, who's fascinated by the water under her feet, as shawn tries to get her to paddle in the water, since babies are supposed to be good swimmers, well, anya did read that online.

"karen?" anya asks her mother in law softly, the hurt running through her voice.

"yes sweetie?" karen replies, the late september sun hitting them both.

"has shawn said anything to you, about me recently?" she asks, anxiousness consuming her, as she bites down on her lower lip, looking at the pool again.

"nothing apart from saying he missed you and avery, why? what's happened?" karen asks, concerned at the panicked girl next to her.

"you know the reason why i left bora bora early, right?" she asks carefully, a squeak leaving her mouth.

"sadly, yes, i do," karen says gently, putting her book down. "has it got something to do with that?"

"shawn said to me that i shouldn't love him, and then last night when i said i love you to him, he didn't even respond with it back. i don't know what's wrong with him, and i don't know what to do. his anxiety has been up at a new level all together, and it's scaring me, but then i see him with avery, or anyone else for that matter, and it's like he's back to normal," anya explains shakily, her bottom lip quivering. "i don't know what to do."

"oh honey," karen whispers, sitting up properly from the lounger, and looking at anya, who slips her sunglasses over her eyes.

"he keeps on apologising, and i keep telling him that i forgive him, but i don't know," she mumbles, sniffling softly after.

aaliyah seems to catch sight of what her sister in law and mother are talking about, so she excuses herself from lucas, shawn, and avery, before rushing up to the women, and sitting down on anya's lounger, placing her hand on anya's knee.

"i just want to help him but he's not letting me," anya weeps, as karen and aaliyah look at each other in alarm, worried for the emotional girl in front of them.

"hey, shawn, anya's crying," lucas points out to shawn, a worried look on his face too. shawns face falls, and he looks down at avery, who seems like she wants to stay in the water.

shawn knows exactly why she's crying.

"uh, i'm gonna go see what's up," he responds quickly, getting out of the water, much to avery's dismay. he walks up to the loungers, karen and aaliyah immediately looking at him, and anya looking away, even though she has sunglasses on. she quickly gets up, walking away from the scene, after mumbling a quick 'i'm going to get a drink'.

"what happened?" shawn asks, slightly scared of what his mum will say.

"that girl is worried about you," karen answers simply, making shawn gulp back in concern. "she's very worried about you." karen gets up, following in the direction anya went, leaving aaliyah and shawn, along with avery who's whining to get back into the water.

"why don't you love her?" aaliyah asks, folding her arms at shawn.

"after what i did, would you expect me to still love? you don't hurt what you love," he mumbles, holding onto avery, as she finally quietens down.

"shawn, shes over it! if you heard how worried she is- oh god, i can't even look at you," she mutters, standing up and pulling avery out of shawns arms. "come on, angel, let's go play in the water!"

shawn drops his arms by either side, sinking down onto the lounge chair, feeling his world fall apart around him.

"hey bud," geoff says, sitting down next to shawn, cracking open a beer, and handing it to shawn, who politely declines. "you saying no to a beer? what's wrong?"

"i hit anya," he mumbles, looking down at the floor.

"you what?" geoff asks, after suddenly swallowing the beer he took a sip out of.

"i got angry, that's why she left bora bora early," he explains, looking down at his hands. "and now, i don't know."

"man, you've been out of it since your anniversary. the fans have noticed it too," geoff says gently to him, as shawn sighs, sitting up.

"can i have that beer?" he decides, as geoff nods, handing him the other open bottle.

"remember when you were 19, and you guys broke up?" geoff asks, making shawn nod. "i yelled at you, and punched you, but you were angry with her, but more annoyed at yourself. what did you feel when you hit her?"

"just anger in general," he mutters, taking a sip of the beer. "i don't know, mainly at myself."

"well this situation you're in could be anger at yourself." geoff explains. "what makes you happy?"

"avery," shawn answers, with no hesitation. "whenever i see her, it's as though all sadness and anger just disappears. it's the same with music."

"just picture her whenever you get angry," geoff says. "that should help."

"thanks geoff," shawn says gently. "it's like you're the only one who's supporting me, even aaliyah walked away."

shawn sighs, taking another sip of the beer, and looking at the pool, seeing aaliyah make avery laugh and giggle, as she dips her into the water. shawn smiles gently, but that smile is replaced with a small frown, as he remembers aaliyah's mad at him, his mum is mad at him, and most of all, anya is mad at him.

"hey, i'm gonna go round to the front and meet some fans," shawn says, standing up and pulling a t-shirt over his head, slipping on a pair of flip-flops. "if anyone asks, just tell them i'm out front."

shawn ventures to the entrance of the hotel, seeing about forty fans outside , braving the outside heat. they all smile at him, this time not cheering, because they notice he's not exactly himself.

"how's avery?" a fan asks him, as he poses for pictures.

"she's great, she's loving the water right now," he chuckles, taking another fans phone, before snapping a picture. "she started complaining when i got out, so aaliyah took her back in."

"where is he?" anya asks, sniffling weakly, as she walks back into the area where everyone is, looking around for shawn.

"he's gone to meet fans," aaliyah answers simply, sitting down next to anya. "are you okay?"

"guys please don't put any concern on me, shawn will get annoyed, and i don't want him to feel like that," she says quickly, taking avery from andrew, sliding her sunglasses off of her head. "i'm going back up to the hotel room."

she lifts avery up, taking the baby bag along with her. she enters the hotel lobby, just as shawn comes from meeting fans, a smile over his face, which slowly fades as soon as he sees anya and avery. he jogs up to them, stopping anya in her tracks. "can we talk?" he asks her, anxiousness consuming him.

anya doesn't reply, and instead she walks past him, heading up into the rooms.

"anya wait!" shawn yells after her, catching up with her fast strides. "anya please!"

"i'm tired, shawn, please, just let me sleep," she says weakly, unlocking the hotel room door, taking avery inside, laying her down on shawns side of the bed, placing pillows around her.

"anya," shawn says quietly, walking around to her side of the bed, and sitting down on the white sheets. "i'm sorry."

anya doesn't reply, and instead turns so her back is facing him.

"remember when we were 19, and we had that fight? when we broke up? i don't want that to happen again," he says calmly, placing his hand on her waist.

"who said that's gonna happen?" she mutters, shutting her eyes tightly. "i just want to know what made you change your love to me in a week, because that's how long it's been, a week."

shawn stays silent, making anya scoff, and open her eyes. it's only then when shawn actually realised how much he's hurting anya.

and it hurts him. it hurts him as he thinks about all the wrong doings he's committing to right now.

"i hurt you," shawn mumbles. "how can you hurt someone you love?" he stares out the window in front of him, as anya's face contorts in confusion. she sits up quickly, moving closer towards him. "when you hate someone you have to love them first."

"you hate me?" anya asks, her voice cracking at the end, as tears build up in her eyes.

"no," he mutters. "hurting people shows hate."

"i don't understand you!" she shouts, making shawn jump, and look back at her in shock. "one minute you say you love me, the next you say you hate me! this isn't some work of fiction, shawn! this is real life, and you can't keep going around in circles making up these stupid excuses which don't even make sense!" she yells, making avery wake up suddenly, and start crying loudly. "oh for fucks sake!" anya cries, her own tears streaming down her cheeks.

shawn immediately stands up, scooping avery into his arms, and quickly comforting her, silencing her cries, as anya cries softly to herself.

"it's not fair!" she shouts, wiping her cheeks. "i love you, shawn! i'm your god damn wife! i'm the mother of your child! i'm the one who's always there for you, no matter what! i'm your best friend! i'm the one who comforts you when you've had a hard day at the studio! i'm the one who convinces you you're everything opposite to what a critic has said about you! i'm the one who holds your hand when you're worried! i'm the one who kisses you goodnight, and holds you through your insomnia whenever you get it! i'm the one who remembers your favourite foods, and cooks them when you're not in a great mood! i'm the one who holds you when you need comforting! i'm the one you love!"

i never got to propose to you properly, or treat you like my fiancée, i never got to call you my fiancée, i never got to actually write you vows, i never got to sing to you at our wedding, i can't even remember our wedding, i never asked for your mom's blessing, i never had the chance to announce my love to you to the fans, i couldn't introduce you as my fiancée, i didn't take you on a honeymoon, you were confused when you married me, we got married out of being intoxicated, i never got to really tell you exactly how i feel about you before we got back together, i never-

avery's whimpers are still heard, as well as anya's heavy breaths, and shawns increasing worry and panic, as anya tries to convince his feelings.

"i'm the light who breaks your dark, i'm your home, in your family," she says calmly, wiping away her tears, sniffling softly after. "i'm the one who broke your heart, i'm the one who mended your heart," she lets a tear slip out of her eye again as she continues. "i'm the one you dreamt about, i'm the one you loved for longer than i could ever imagine, i'm the one who was ignorant about you, i'm the one who was an idiot, i'm the one who said 'pretend i'm her' when i was her. i'm your other half."

shawn lays avery down again, thankful that her tears have stopped, as she cuddles up to her blanket, falling fast asleep, letting shawn sit down next to anya once again.

"ever since the day that i met you," shawn begins, taking ahold of her hand, rubbing his thumb over her smooth skin. "i knew you were the girl of my dreams."

"why don't you love me?" she whispers, her teary orbs connecting with shawns hopeful ones.

"i thought i did love you," he says, making her breath hitch in her throat. "but i didn't realise it till now. love takes time, and it just proved itself. i'm a lover. i've borrowed cupid's wings and soared beyond a common bound ," he grins, making anya smile softly, and roll her eyes.

"you did not just ad-lib romeo and juliet, and before that, quote daniel caesar." she says, as shawn smiles, nodding.

"before, it was child's love, and everything you just said proved that it is now real love, and i was ignorant about admitting it. i'm truly sorry anya," he frowns, playing with her wedding band, before moving closer towards her, and brushing his lips against hers. "i love you."

"say it again," she grins, her eyes fluttering shut, as shawn captures her lips once more.

"i love you," he speaks.

"again."

"i love you," he grins, kissing her once more, pulling her body onto his lap.

"again," she whispers, the smile not leaving her expression. shawn grins, pulling her lips onto his.

"i love you."

"again."

"i love you."