chapter forty-four
reveries
[anya rose mendes]
-
"anya?" jason asks, as i stand at the door of my family's house in the hamptons, the ungodly hour of 2am proving horrible on myself, and the sleeping avery in her baby carrier. "what are you doing here?"

"take ave, please," i say, handing him the carrier. "i-i need to get my suitcases from the taxi."

"yeah sure, hey peter! come help!" he yells in the house, as i rush back outside, grabbing my suitcases from my taxi driver, paying the fare for the ride.

"what the heck are you doing here?" peter asks me, taking my suitcases, as i shut the door behind me. "where's shawn?"

"i don't know," i say, seeing jason playing with a now awake avery, who's giggling in her baby carrier.

"holy shit, what the fuck is that on your back?" peter asks me, as my eyes go wide. i shrug my hoodie back over my shoulders, hiding it, as the panic sets in. "he hit you?"

"shh," i whisper, folding my arms against my chest.

"anya, oh my fucking-" he begins, as i glare at him, making him shut up.

"you tell anyone, and i will personally feed you to the sharks," i spit, as he sighs, running a hand through his hair.

"anya, you're not going back to toronto, i can't believe he hit you," peter whispers, making the lump settle in my throat, as i look down at the floor, sighing softly.

"i can't either," i whisper back, gulping down my tears. "a-and he's on tour now, i-i can't even talk to him, oh god, avery."

"anya?" i hear from behind me. i turn around, seeing hailey walking down the marble steps, jasmine following her.

"hails? what are you doing here?" i ask, as she looks at me concerned, immediately rushing over to hug me.

"i came here for a shoot, but it turns out i have a couple weeks free, so jasmine invited me to stay," she explains. "what happened, babygirl?"

"i'll tell you later," i mumble, as she rubs my back, her face falling.

"where's shawn?"

"tour," i answer, tears brimming at my eyes once more.

"oh my god, anya, shh," hailey pulls me away from the crowd of people, but letting me take avery with me, and into the downstairs office. she shuts the door behind us, looking at me concerned. "what the heck happened? i thought you were in bora bora?"

"i was," i start, holding avery close to me, as she plays with the ends of my hair. "s-shawn got weird, i-it was like his anxiety was catching up on him, a-and he snapped, a-and he sc-scared me, a-and he hit me," i stutter, a tear rushing down my cheek.

"he did what?" she yells, her eyes going wide. "that mother fucker!"

"hailey," i say, covering avery's ears, as she continues to gurgle and look around the new surroundings.

"what the heck?" she says, slightly calmer this time. "why would he even do that?"

"i-i don't know," i mumble, as hailey sighs, looking down at avery.

"is she okay? without shawn?" hailey asks me, bringing her fingers up to avery's hand, playing with her quietly.

"i don't know, i-i guess, it's hard, she always has shawn with her," i mumble, the tears filling my eyes once more. "oh shit, i shouldn't have left him, hailey, what do i do?" i begin to panic, pacing about in the office, tears rushing down my cheeks.

"stop," she says, placing both of her hands on my arms. "breathe," she says, rubbing my arms gently. i nod, taking a couple deep breaths, settling myself, before looking at her. "why do you want to see him?"

"because it w-was probably his anxiety," i stutter, wiping my cheeks. "a-and he was struggling just before ave was born, t-that's why she was born so early, he stressed me out about our love, and out pops avery," i mumble. "h-he said some crazy things, hails, i-it seemed like he regretted marrying me in the first place."

"what did he say?"

"i never got to propose to you properly, or treat you like my fiancée, i never got to call you my fiancée, i never got to actually write you vows, i never got to sing to you at our wedding, i can't even remember our wedding, i never asked for your mom's blessing, i never had the chance to announce my love to you to the fans, i couldn't introduce you as my fiancée, i didn't take you on a honeymoon, you were confused when you married me, we got married out of being intoxicated, i never got to really tell you exactly how i feel about you before we got back together, i never-"

"and then he snapped?" hailey questions, as i nod, rubbing my hand over avery's back. "look, i know i should be saying never talk to him again, but if it's really his anxiety, i think that there's something up with his mental health, and you have to get that out of him." she guides. "you love him, don't you?" i nod. "there has to be a reason why he snapped like that, you and i both know shawn, and you know he would never, ever hit you."

"hails he's in australia, i'm in new york, how can i go talk to him?" i cry, as hailey sighs, sitting me down on the sofa in the office.

"call him?" she suggests. i bite my bottom lip, sliding my phone out of the pocket of my jeans, and looking on the screen, seeing all the missed calls and texts from shawn. "he wants to talk to you too if he's spamming your phone like that, call him." i nod, swiping across the screen of my phone, and dialling up shawns number. hailey takes avery from my arms, as i thank her with a small smile. she leaves the room, shutting the door gently behind her, whilst i let the phone ring, and ring, and ring.

"h-hello?" shawns voice picks up the phone, and my heart immediately breaks all over again.

"shawn?" i question, pulling my legs to my chest, biting my lip anxiously.

"anya? o-oh god anya-i-i'm so s-sorry-" he stutters, before he cuts himself off with a choke, or a cry, but i can't exactly work out the difference. "i-i need you now."

"shawn i'm in new york," i admit, my heart dropping, making the guilt fill me. he's hurting, and i left him.

"a-and ave? i-is she okay?" he wails, making my own tears build up again.

"she's okay," i answer, wiping the tear that's sliding down my cheek. "w-when are you back in the us?"

"n-next week-" he mumbles, sniffling on the other side of the phone. "i-i understand if you want to stay away from me-"

"i'll see you next week," i say quickly, cutting him off before i change my mind.

"k-kiss a-ave goodnight for m-me," i nod, but then i realise he can't see me, making me let out a sigh.

"i will," i nod. "i'll see you in a little while."

"i-i love you," he sobs, making my heart break even more that it already is. when i'm about to answer him, he hangs up, leaving me alone, tired, and heartbroken.

"so?" hailey asks, opening up the door, a sleeping avery in her arms. i stand up, wiping away my tears, and reaching for avery, hugging her close to my chest.

"he's gonna be in the states next week, i'm meeting him then," i mumble, kissing avery's small forehead for shawn. "something's seriously wrong with him, he's letting his mental health get the better of him."

"are you one hundred percent sure that's why he hit you?"

"one hundred and ten," i mumble, letting out a small sigh. "it's fine, i don't care."

"anya," she sighs, as i look down at avery, her sleeping self reminding me more and more of shawn. "look i know how i said to call him, but you can't not care about it, he physically hurt you."

"and i've been hurt by others before, it's nothing that i'm not used to," i mutter, rocking avery in my arms.

"what do you mean?" she asks me confused, as i sigh, realising she doesn't know anything about my past relationships.

"b-before i started properly dating shawn, like before he and i started dating for real, i was with this guy," i explain, chewing on my bottom lip anxiously. "i-i thought he was great, but things started getting abusive, and h-he r-raped me," i stutter, trying to stay calm.

"oh my god, anya," hailey says gently to me, as i sit down again, letting out a small sigh.

"i started dating shawn as soon as i broke up with that guy, but then i found out i was pregnant with that guys baby. i lost the child two months in, and then when the father finally found out, something snapped in him and he looked guilty? about a month later i went over to talk to him, since i couldn't with shawn with me all the time, and he was suicidal. i forgave him, lifted the restraining order, and i haven't heard from him since, i think he moved to europe. around that time, you started that press movement with shawn, and those rumours started appearing, before the emas. shawn and i fought as soon as i arrived in la, and we fought a lot during that trip. we decided to end things then," i explain, looking down at a sleeping avery. "he said some pretty hurtful things to me then, and at that time his anxiety was high too, i'm just scared this is how he copes with it."

"i made you guys break up?" she asks me, as i immediately shake my head.

"no, you didn't, don't worry," i say quickly. "shawn came up with the idea of starting press, so it was his fault, don't worry." she nods, looking down at her lap. "plus it was three years ago, i think it doesn't matter."

"your anniversary is tomorrow, what are you gonna do?" she asks me gently, as i cradle avery in my arms.

"i don't know," i mumble, the tears stinging my eyes again. "i shouldn't have left him."

"stop, you were scared, it's okay to be scared," she reminds me. "any normal person would have been scared."

"you don't know how broken he sounded," i mumble, standing up from the couch. "i'm tired, i'll see you in the morning."
-
the morning is sunny, a complete opposite as to how i'm feeling. it's still warm for mid september, september 16th, the day i married shawn. avery lies next to me, gurgling away, as i sigh, scrolling through my phone, recording happy anniversary messages from people who i've only spoken to a few times.

my phone rings loudly, making avery stop her gurgles in shock, and concentrate directly on the noise of my phone. i let out a small laugh, before i see shawns name requesting a facetime over my phone. i feel myself freeze up, but nevertheless i answer, because i know avery misses him to bits.

so do i.

"hey ave," shawn coos, as i place the phone in front of avery. a massive smile appears on her face, as she reaches up with her hands, trying to touch shawns face, making me smile gently. "are you being a good girl for mommy?"

"yes she is," i say in a baby voice, making avery look at me, then at shawn. "we made pancakes for breakfast, and then tommy played with us, and then grandma took her to the pool," i list, still talking in a high pitched voice, making a little grin appear on her tiny face.

"happy anniversary, anya," shawn says to me, as i pull the phone away from avery, so i'm facing shawn.

"happy anniversary, shawn," i mumble back, seeing a small smile appear over his tired face. "how's everything going?"

"the show last night was good," he says, smiling softly. "i've missed performing."

"oh yeah, i forgot about time differences," i say gently. "you're like a day ahead of me."

"yeah," he nods, letting out a small chuckle. "we're heading to new zealand now," he says, making me notice that he's in an airport.

"have fun there," i say to him, my voice cracking at the end. "first stadium there, eh?"

"yeah," he nods, smiling sadly. "hey, i gotta go, but i'll see you next week?"

"yeah, florida, right?"

"mhm," he nods.

"say bye to dada, ave," i say, pushing the phone in front of her, as shawn blows a kiss to the camera.

"i love you angel, be good, i'll see you so soon, okay? take care of your mommy for me," he says, as he frowns slightly. "i miss you babygirl."

"say 'i miss you too dada'," i say in a baby voice, before looking at shawn, who completely looks heartbroken.

i shouldn't have left him.