chapter forty-five
reveries
[anya rose mendes]
-
"are you ready to see dada, baby?" i ask, cradling avery in my arms, as we wait for shawn to come off of stage. avery giggles, the large headphones over her ears to protect her from the loud sounds, making me smile.

"holy crap, anya?" i turn around, seeing camila walking up to me, and i scrunch my face up in confusion. "oh my god, avery!" i let out a small laugh as she comes rushing up to avery and i, immediately attacking avery's face with kisses.

"camila? what the heck are you doing here?" i ask, greeting her with a hug, as i chuckle gently.

"i was in the area and shawn invited me to come and perform!" she grins, pinching avery's cheeks gently, rubbing noses with her. "he also told me what happened, are you okay?"

"i'm fine," i nod, pushing out a small smile. "i just want to see him."

"i smacked some sense into him, don't worry," she says to me, making me smile sadly. "i mean not literally, but i did yell at him."

"are you about to go on stage?" i ask, as avery gurgles, putting a strand of camila's hair into her mouth. "avery sierra!" i chuckle, pulling camila's hair away from her mouth. "sorry mila."

"don't worry, she's a cutie," she chuckles, rubbing her cheek with her thumb. "and i got off about half an hour ago, but i'm gonna go, i have a flight to new york in six hours."

"what? i haven't seen you for ages, and now you're leaving?" i pout, hugging her once again. "we have to meet up soon, and catch up. i'm sure i can leave ave with shawn and we can go shopping or something."

"of course, hope everything gets sorted out," she says, squeezing me once more, and kissing avery's cheek. "bye sweetie."

"say bye to auntie camila!" i coo, making avery giggle once more, before camila rushes away, security following her. i sigh, looking down at avery, and bouncing her up at down. she sticks her bottom lip out, before it starts quivering, and her eyes fill with tears.

"oh baby, no," i whisper, holding her close to me, and swaying her about. "we'll see camila soon baby, i promise," i kiss her forehead, as her cries turn into sniffles and silent wails, her lip pouting, and her face screwed up. someone walks past us carrying a sign with shawns face on it, and this makes her cry even harder, catching the attention of people around us.

"angel, what did i tell you about not giving your mommy a hard time?" immediately, avery is swooped out of my arms, and i look back in shock, seeing a sweaty and breathless shawn standing there, trying to calm his daughter down. "hey, sweetie, i'm here, shh," he looks up, making eye contact with me, his face falling slightly, and guilt crossing over his eyes.

"come to auntie aaliyah," aaliyah suddenly rushes into the scene, taking avery from shawn, before looking at shawn and i. "talk, now."

"anya-" i cut him off by grabbing onto his hand, and pulling him away, trying to find his dressing room. "anya what the-"

"shh," i mutter, finally reaching a door that says 'shawn mendes'. i open up the door, pulling him inside, and shutting the door behind us.

"anya-"

i cut shawn off again, by wrapping my arms around his neck, and holding him in my arms, clutching onto him tightly, as his arms find their way around my waist hesitantly. the two of us fall down onto the floor, crouching down on our knees, holding each other as if we're worried that we're going to lose each other.

"i'm so sorry," shawn mumbles, tucking his head into my neck.

"shh," i whisper, bringing my fingertips up to the curls of his hair, playing with them.

"i-i'm gonna get help, i-i-"

"stop," i say, pulling away from our embrace so i'm facing him. "you're gonna be okay, i know it's your mental health. you're gonna get through this, shawn."

"i-i hit you," he whispers, tears pooling at his eyes. "anya-" he chokes, cutting himself off. "i swore to myself i would n-never ever lay a hand on you, and what do i do? hit you."

"shh, i'm okay," i cup his cheeks, scanning his face quickly.

"and our anniversary- oh god- i had to ruin that," he cries, tears flooding out of his eyes. "baby i'm so sorry."

"i know you are," i mumble, wiping away his tears, my own heart breaking for his pain. "shawn, hunny, it wasn't your fault. you didn't ruin it."

"i did!" he yells, pulling away from me. "i made you leave!"

"shawn! calm down," say, standing up with him, and grabbing onto his wrists. "it's okay, you're having a hard time right now, and i know you didn't mean to. i forgive you, okay?"

"i wanna see ave," he sniffles, looking at the door.

"i'll go find her, you stay here, drink some water, and calm down, okay?" i say, handing him a bottle of water, as he shakily sits down on the couch. "i love you, shawn."

"you shouldn't," he mumbles, thinking i won't hear. i gulp back my own tears, swallowing the lump in my throat, as i exit the dressing room, rushing about to find aaliyah, who has avery.

i see the two of them surrounded by some of shawns crew, and i smile gently, walking forward, catching their attention.

"anya!" mike says, greeting me with a hug, before i go round, greeting the rest of the crew.

"hey guys," i chuckle, looking at avery, who has her hands pushed onto geoffs beard. "sorry to cut the avery time short, but shawns requested to see his daughter," i say, reaching for her.

"he's missed her like hell," andrew tells me, smiling. "how's your mom?"

"my mom?" i ask confused.

"shawn told us that your mom was ill and you had to go back," andrew says, as i quickly nod, playing along with shawns lie.

"yeah she's fine now, turns out it was only flu," i say, smiling, as avery gurgles in my arms, resting her head on my shoulder. "anyway."

"i suppose you guys aren't gonna be coming for drinks after the show?" zubin asks me.

"sadly, no. shawns tired, and with avery, well," i let out a small laugh, shaking my head. "see you guys in the morning."

"i'm coming with you," aaliyah tells me, as i nod.

"see you guys!" i say, as avery perks her head up, sending the crew a small smile.

"so?" aaliyah asks me, the two of us walking back to shawns dressing room. i sigh, holding avery closer to me.

"i'll tell you later," i mutter, opening up the door to shawns dressing room, making him look up, and as soon as his eyes meet avery's, his face settles, and the sadness is drained out of him.

"hey sweetie," shawn whispers, as i sit down next to him, avery turning to shawn. he holds onto her hand, kissing it softly. "i missed you, babygirl."

"take her," i smile, handing her small body to him. he grins, taking her into his large arms, as she gurgles to him, in response to his conversations.

"you saw tommy?" shawn asks in a baby voice, whilst avery gurgles in response. "should we go to the pool tomorrow?"

i grin, taking my phone out of my pocket, and taking a photo of the two of them.

"we have a free day tomorrow?" i ask shawn, as he nods, looking up from avery.

"we've got a week free now, kind of a vacation in florida," he says quietly, hugging avery close to his chest, cradling her so she can sleep. "we should head back to the hotel, this ones getting sleepy.

"yeah," i nod, picking up the baby carrier, handing it to shawn. he lays avery down inside, placing a blanket over her body.

"where's mum and dad?" shawn asks aaliyah.

"back at the hotel," she answers.

"are you coming with us?"

"no, lucas and i are gonna go grab milkshakes before going back to the hotel," she says, checking her phone. "speaking of, i have to go."

"say hi to lucas for us," i say, as she grins, leaning down to avery, and kissing her forehead.

"goodnight angel," she says. "i'll see you guys tomorrow."

"don't stay out too late," shawn chuckles, hugging her tightly. "love you."

"love you," she mumbles back, as he kisses her head. "see you."
-
i stand at the window looking outside at the quiet scenery, as shawn and avery both sleep; shawn somewhere far away from me, and avery cast into dreamworld.

why is he like this? why does he disregard the fact that i love him? what made his anxiety come back? was it me? am i the cause of his unhappiness?

"anya, come to bed," shawn says in a hoarse voice, making me jump, because i didn't think he was awake.

"i'm going on a walk," i mutter, slipping on my trainers, and heading towards the door.

"anya wait-" i leave the room, walking down the corridor, and straight to the elevator. i know shawn won't leave avery alone, so he won't come looking for me, which i'm slightly thankful for, just so i can think.

i end up at the lobby, sitting down in one of the couches they have there, flipping through a magazine on a coffee table.

SHAWN MENDES WITHOUT HIS WIFE?

sighing loudly, i close the magazine, picking up another one, and opening it to the first page.

ANYA MENDES SEEN IN NEW YORK WITHOUT SHAWN?

i grumble to myself, pushing the magazine back down onto the table, pulling my legs to my chest, feeling a chill settle over my shoulders. why do i come downstairs in a tank top?

"there you are," i look up, seeing shawn come rushing towards me, his cardigan draped over him, making me sigh. "why did you leave?"

"where's ave?"

"i woke up my parents, she's in their room," he says quietly, slipping off his cardigan, and laying it over my shoulders instead. "come on, let's go up."

"why did you say it?" i ask, not looking up at him.

"say what?" he asks me confused, sitting down on the couch next to me.

"that i shouldn't love you?" i ask, looking at him, as his gaze moves down to his lap. "am i the cause of your anxiety?" he stays quiet, not looking up at me at all. "you know what? don't answer that."

"anya, i didn't mean it like that," he says quickly, looking up at me suddenly. "things have been difficult for me with everything going on, it's not your fault." i don't reply to him, and instead i feel the tears build at my eyes.

"then what is it, shawn? why did you say i shouldn't love you?" i question, letting a tear roll down my cheek.

"can't we just talk about this in the morning?" he asks with a sigh, standing up from the couch.

"no, we're talking about this now," i snap. "shawn, news flash, i'm your wife."

"and the colour of the sea is the reflection of the sky, we get facts," he says sarcastically. "come on, i'm tired, and it's like 3am."

"why can't you just give me an answer? i get it, i've posed a shit tone of stress on you, and i'm probably one of the reasons why you're anxiety is back but i deserve an answer, and i'm not coming back up to the room till i get one," i say, folding my arms.

"suit yourself," he mutters, before leaning down, and lifting me up bridal style. "i'll just have to get you up there myself."

"put me down shawn, please?" i ask helplessly, not even bothering to fight his grasp. "shawn i'm really not in the mood for fun and-"

he cuts me off by walking into the elevator, as i let out a sigh, knowing that i can't passively fight anymore.

we get into our room, and shawn lays me down on the bed, pulling the white duvet over my body. "where's ave?" i mumble, nestling my head against the pillow.

"mum said she would look after her tonight," shawn says back, getting into the bed next to me, wrapping his arm around my waist. "i'm sorry."

"i love you, shawn."

"i know."

why didn't he say it back?