chapter forty
reveries
[anya rose mendes]
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"hey liyah," i say, opening up the door, and greeting my sister in law with a hug. "how are you?"

"great, how are you?" she giggles, pulling away, seeing my large stomach in between us. "oh my god, anya, you're massive!"

"thanks," i joke, letting out a small chuckle. "i mean, i am eight months."

"where's shawn?" she asks, walking into the condo.

"he's uh, in the office," i say, folding my arms. "please go talk to him, i can't get a word out of him."

"okay, i'll get him out, don't worry," she says, placing a hand on my arm. "he's just stressed out, that's all."

"liyah, i've never seen him like this," i say, biting back my lower lip, and gulping down the lump in my throat. "a-and now that we're so close to having ave- i-" i cut myself off before i start to panic, sighing gently. "i don't know what's wrong with him, i just want to help."

"shh, it'll be okay," she says, putting down her bag, and wandering through the condo straight to shawn and i's room, opening up the door, and slipping inside.

"just you and i, babe," i whisper, placing my hand on my bump, running my fingertips over the stretched skin. "dadas a little stressed, that's all," i say, trying to convince myself more than my baby girl.

"-you have a child on the way, shawn! you can't be moping about when you have a pregnant wife who could pop any week now! get your head out of your ass and look around you!"

"i can't deal with this, aaliyah! i'm not ready for a baby! i'm not even ready to be married, yet i am!" with that simple thing, my world completely breaks, and i feel tears burn my eyes.

"shut up shawn, you love anya, and all you've been going on about recently is your child and how excited you are!" aaliyah yells back. "get up, and go treat your wife like a wife!"

"i don't need you telling me what to do, i'm not ready, just respect that!" shawn yells. "get out, aaliyah, i don't need my stupid younger sister lecturing me."

"go to hell, shawn," i hear aaliyah say, before scoffing, followed by a slam of the door, and an angry aaliyah coming out, tears rushing down her cheeks.

"no, aaliyah," i sigh, waddling forward, and embracing her in my arms, as she softly cries into my shoulder. "shh, don't cry, shh."

"i can't with him," she cries, sniffling gently. "it's okay, i'm fine," she pushes herself away, wiping her cheeks. "lucas is waiting for me in his car, i have to go."

"call me later, yeah? thanks for coming liyah," i say gently, as she smiles sadly, wiping away her tears once more. "i'm so sorry, shawn will come round."

"i hope he does," she mumbles. "you stay safe, yeah? don't do too much work, remember what the doctor told you. get back in bed."

"i will," i nod, sending her a small smile. "bye liyah."

"bye anya," she rushes out of the condo, leaving myself alone with shawn. i sigh gently, pondering if i should talk to him. i decide to check on him, at least. at the end of the day, i want him to be okay, the least i can do is check on him.

"shawn, hun?" i call, opening up the bedroom door, seeing him lying down, staring up at the ceiling, his airpods in his ears. i sigh softly again, walking towards the bed, and sitting down next to him. he notices me, and takes out his headphones, sending me a tired smile.

"you heard, didn't you?" he asks me, as i bite my lower lip, nodding. "i'm sorry, anya, i just don't think i can do this."

"don't worry, i feel the same way," i say, as shawn looks at me concerned, sitting up. "i can't do this without you, shawn."

"i know," he mumbles, swinging his legs over the side of the bed, so he's sitting next to me. "it's just we're so young," he starts. "a-and a baby? we've been married for almost a year, and it's just moving too fast. i can't keep up."

"i know you've been stressed out with work too, ever since you came back from that stadium tour, you've been stressed," i point out, holding onto his hand. "i love you, shawn, i really do, but what are we going to do?"

"i love you, anya rose," he says, squeezing my hand gently. "i just don't know what we're supposed to do. we were so excited a few months ago, and now look what's happened."

"do you wanna try counselling?" i ask him softly. "that might help."

"would it? i don't think we need couples counselling-"

"not couples, more like therapy, for both of us individually." i say to him, as he ponders for a few moments.

"how? anya, you're on house rest, i'm supposed to be taking care of you," he tells me gently, as i sigh, sinking my shoulders down.

"we can always get a therapist who can come here, and you can go out whilst i'm having my sessions," i suggest, as he nods, bringing my hand up to his lips, and kissing it softly. "shawn, please stay with me."

"i'll try my hardest," he says, his voice cracking at the end.

"oh baby, no," i whisper, turning to him, seeing his eyes flood with tears. i cup his cheeks, as he sighs gently, letting some tears flow down. "hey, shh, don't cry hunny."

"i-i just want everything to go back to the way it was," he cries. "help me."

"i will, love, i will," i promise him, shushing him at the same time. "it will go back, i promise you, shawn."

"no it won't!" he yells, making me flinch slightly, and my hands move from his cheeks. "in one month, we're gonna have a baby, and that's gonna be stressful, and i'm not gonna be a good dad, and then i've got to tour again, and then i have to work on another album, and then i'm gonna have to look after my child whilst trying to balance everything out! nothing will ever go back to where i want it to be!"

"where do you want it to be?" i ask him, trying to get him to calm down.

"back to when we were 18, and still had time to think about these things! back to 18, when we could make mistakes, and learn from them! back to when we were 18, when things didn't matter! back to when we were 18, when i fell in love with you for the first time!"

"what do you mean, shawn?"

"i mean i will probably never be as in love with you as i was back then, and i want it back!" he says, breathing heavily, his chest rising and falling. my heart sinks, as panic begins to fill me.

"s-shawn," i mumble, as a look of realisation crosses over his face, and he curses under his breath. "i-"

"don't panic, whatever you do, don't panic," he says suddenly, turning to me, and grabbing onto my hands. "breathe hun, come on, deep breaths."

"s-shaw-" my breathing becomes ragged, as dread begins to consume my mind.

"hey, i didn't mean i thing i said, shh, listen to me," he says, beginning to get anxious himself. "anya, please, don't panic, it won't be good for avery, hun, please," he begs, concern washing over his face. "i love you, come on-"

"no you don't!" i snap, standing up from the bed quickly, making a spell of dizziness overcome me, causing me to sit back down again.

"shit, anya, i do! i'm talking a whole load of shit right now, don't listen to me," he urges. "i love you, anya, i love you so much. you're my wife, anya, and i don't think i can live my life without you. i love everything about you, and most of all, i love that you're bearing my child, okay?"

"y-your child," i stutter, feeling a sharp pain hit me. "oh god- ah!"

"darling, oh my god, you're bleeding!" his eyes go wide, as he looks down, seeing the blood soaking through the sheets underneath me. "anya, we gotta get you to the hospital, come on."

"g-get the hospital bag, shawn," i say, tears welling up in my eyes. "she's coming."
-
"fuck, baby," shawn says to me, his voice cracking, as i lie down in the hospital bed, completely exhausted from the long day, the heat basically killing me alive. 20 hours in labour, and no sign of her coming out anytime soon.

"i-i just want her out," i cry, sweat lining my body. "shawn your birthday is tomorrow! what are we gonna do?"

"shh, i don't care about that, i'm only 22," he says, holding onto my hand. "only a little longer."

the doctors don't even know if she'll make it.

"i-i'm so scared," i mumble to shawn, sniffling softly. "i-i don't want her to be in danger."

"everything's gonna be okay, hun, i promise," shawn says, squeezing my hand.

"a-are you ready?" i ask, concerned about our earlier conversation, and shawns mental health. he's overwhelmed with everything.

"is anyone ever ready?" he asks me, a small smile over his lips. "i will be fine, please stop worrying about me."

"i-i can't help it," i let a tear fall from my eye, as shawns face softens, his fingertips wiping away my tear. "a-after what you said yesterday, i-i don't know what to think, shawn."

"please don't worry," he says guiltily, as a wave of pain washes over me, making me clench shawns hand tightly, and let out a silent scream. "i was being stupid, please don't ever listen to me when i say that i don't love you as much as i do."

"shut up," i grunt through my teeth, the pain becoming unbearable. "o-oh fuck," i curse, squeezing the life out of shawns hand.

"you want me to get the midwife, hun?" shawn asks me, rubbing his thumb against my hand. "shh, baby."

"p-please," i stutter, as the pain begins to ware off. "oh god, i can't do this anymore."

"where's the button, love?"

"it's on the side of the bed," i groan, turning on my side, wanting to curl up in a ball and cry.

"okay, i've pressed it, a doctor should be coming," he says to me, placing his hand on my waist. "god, i wish i could take your pain away."

"hey anya, how you doing?" my midwife, kate, asks, as she walks into the room, two junior doctors following her.

"get this baby out of me," i mutter, as the beginnings of a contraction hits me. "now."

"anya, sweetie, we need to check how far you are, if you're at 7, we can give you your epidural okay?" she says, gently easing my body back down, spreading my legs. i nod weakly, as shawn sighs, pushing back some of my hair, before kissing my forehead gently.

"now, since you are a month early, there may be some complications," kate begins, making me look at her in concern. "the baby will be underweight, and could have potential breathing problems, but it's okay, we'll keep her under monitor until she's healthy, okay? but it is really rare for breathing problems, since you and the baby have been healthy the entire pregnancy."

"how long will i have to stay here?" i ask, wincing in discomfort as she measures how far i am along.

"a few days, maybe, but don't worry about that," she says, making me nod. "good news is, you're at 7 centimetres, so we can now prep you for the epidural."

"oh thank god," i sigh in relief, propping my legs down.

"i'll go tell the doctors to prepare it, we'll be back to do it in around twenty minutes," i nod, as she slips off her gloves, walking back out of the room, the two doctors in training following her again.

"you're so close, hunny," shawn whispers to me, kissing the side of my head. "i'm so sorry, love, for yesterday, and everything i've said to you over the past couple weeks."

"don't worry," i say gently, holding onto his hand again, sending him a weak smile. "at least you're semi okay now."

"anya, i really am excited for our baby to finally get here, please don't think that i'm gonna hate her, because i won't. not at all," he says, squeezing my hand gently. "she's my little girl, i'll love her with all my heart."

"i know you will," i smile, leaning up, and pecking shawns lips gently. "i love you, shawn."

"i love you more, angel," he mumbles, kissing me once more.
-
"ready to push?" kate asks me, a smile on her face, as i nod, not being able to feel my waist down at all.

"come on love, you can do this," shawn reminds me, bringing our joint hands up to his lips. "you've done so good already, just a little bit longer."

"okay, take a deep breath," kate tells me, as i do so, sucking in as much air as i can. "3, 2, 1, push!" she says, as i push with my all my might, but again, not feeling any remote sense of pain.

"this is weird," i say to shawn, setting my breathing, after i pushed for ten seconds. "i can't feel anything."

"this isn't what i thought childbirth would be like," shawn chuckles, kissing my hand gently.

"push, anya," kate tells me, making me push once more, but this time, i feel something pop out of me. "the heads out! great going sweetie, just one more push like that, and you'll have your baby."

"i love you," i whisper to shawn, looking at him, before i prepare push once more. shawn smiles, kissing my hand again.

"thank you for this," he says softly. "i love you," my cheeks flush gently, that or it's getting too hot in here. "one more, baby."

"push!" kate exclaims, as i obey, pushing hard, well, as hard as i can from someone who's numb waist down. "here we go, a baby girl!" she says as i feel something get pulled out of me, confusion washing over my face, whilst a baby squeals loudly.

"the fuck just happened?" i ask shawn, as he chuckles, tears springing in his eyes, as he eagerly looks at the baby who's getting cleaned up, and wrapped in a warm towel. a few tears rush down his rosy cheeks, as he is instructed to cut the cord, letting avery be free from me.

"oh my god," shawn mumbles, standing up, and staring at the small bundle of joy, who's passed up to me, getting laid down onto my chest. i raise my arms as an instinct, enveloping her small, fragile body in my arms. "anya, oh my god."

"hi sweetie," i whisper, my own tears building at my eyes, making my vision slightly blurred, as avery quietens down, her cries turning into soft whimpers. "shh, baby girl," i whisper again, running my thumb over her rosy cheeks, as she scrunches up her little face, opening her eyes, to reveal exact copies of shawns eyes. i gasp, looking up at shawn, who's holding the same shocked expression as i am.

"m-my eyes," shawn stutters, more tears falling down his cheeks. "oh my god."

"hold her," i urge shawn, as he wipes his tears away, nodding. i carefully help him grasp her small body, which could probably fit into just one of shawns massive hands.

after 24 hours of intense labour, she was finally here; avery sierra mendes. and, i'm pretty sure she took away all of the unhappiness surrounding shawn. i've never seen him smile so wide before.
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so reveries (and this series) is coming to an end soon??? but don't worry guys, i've got some new books coming out in time for summer!! love you all lots and lots and lots