~

The night was a special kind of blackness, the kind that wants to hold the stars and help them shine brighter. It was a warm black that hugged you no matter what, a softness that called the body and brain to rest and let the heart go to its steady rhythm. Within the safety of this blackness, Jimin could feel his own soul more clearly, the inncoent inborn spark resonating within him.

Living in Seoul, a developed city, Jimin had grown used to having the warm, orange glow of the streetlamps outside his window, their light filtering in through the gaps in the curtains. He usually slept like a baby when he was at his grandmother's house, no streetlights or neon signs of clubs and bars to distract him. But for some reason, he wasn't able to fall asleep that night.

The pillows were fluffed, the temperature in the room was perfect, and even his favorite night light was switched on. But no matter how hard he tried, Jimin couldn't get to sleep. He kept staring at the ceiling, eyes wide open. Sighing he stood up, stretching his limbs above his head and walking to the kitchen. He heated a cup of milk and added a pinch of cinnamon to it. With the cup in hand he walked out of the patio, lit the lights on the porch and sat down.

It was one of those quiet and pleasant nights, when all you could hear were the crickets chirping away into the darkness. It had always puzzled Jimin, how you could hear these creatures, but rarely see them. He believed it was so that we could appreciate the music they produced.

Finishing the last few drops of the creamy, frothy liquid, he slipped on his fluffy carpet slippers, left the cup on the counter and scurried back to bed.

He closed his eyes for a while, hoping sleep would catch up to him at some point. But he could feel every bone in his body tingling with consciousness. He tossed and turned, kicking the sheets off his leg and burying his face into his pillow in restlessness.

Nights like these, when sleep wouldn't consume him, Jimin would find himself consumed by his own thoughts. Nights like these made him exhausted, drained to every bone.

Jimin recalled his mother putting him to sleep in his childhood. She used to sing him one particular lullaby every night, something he could never find in books no matter how hard he searched. He had once asked her where she picked up the song from.

It comes from my heart, she had told him, running a gentle hand down his cheek.

Jimin smiled to himself, feeling his heart wrench. He missed her. He missed feeling the long strands of her silky hair tickle his neck as she snuggled closer to him in her sleep, he missed the warm hugs she used to wrap him in when the weather would get too cold, he missed how she would give him her share of food if he liked the dish a lot, he missed playing tag with her whenever she had days off of work. He missed his mother so much. He could still hear her sweet voice in his head, singing as if to soothe him, as if to make him forget about that horrible day.

Close your eyes, little one
Let yourself fall
Deep into slumber, deep into love
In dreams may you stand tall
Close your eyes, little one
Let your heart decide
Let your beauty shine within
My sweet little pride

Jimin let out a shaky breath, curling into himself, instantly flashing back to the day he wanted to forget and erase from his life.

His parents had been returning home after an ultrasound scan. He vividly remembered how happy they had been in the morning — his father had kissed him on his head, gentle smile on his face, and his mother had gushed to him about how he was going to have a little sibling soon.

Jimin's father had always been busy at work, the position of a CEO taking up most of his time and energy. Even then he tried his best to make enough time for his family, he really tried. Jimin could see it in the bags under his eyes despite him smiling, he could hear it in the stifled painful groans his father let out while giving him piggyback rides as soon as he returned from work. It was true that Jimin had not spent enough time with his father as he had with his mother, but he still missed the man with his whole heart. He was a strong man with a strong heart. Jimin wanted to be like him... he hoped he were like him.

He believed his parents didn't deserve to go like that, in such a painful way and so soon, along with the baby that hadn't even gotten the chance to see the world yet. It was so unfair — a life had been destroyed before it had even been completely created. All because of a stranger being intoxicated by alcohol as he drove right into the car of two happy souls — the car of three innocent lives.

Jimin sat upright, running a hand down his face. A slight sheen of sweat coated his hand due to the humidity of the night.

I should have gone with them, Jimin thought to himself, his fingers tightening their grip on the discarded sheets. I should have been in that car as well, his thoughts ate him up. It had been fourteen years and he still couldn't shake that incident off his head. I should have been with them, I should have bled with them, I should have died with them.

Jimin took in a deep breath, body slightly trembling as he felt himself choke up. His chest felt restricted all of a sudden, like someone was squeezing his lungs. He couldn't breathe. He scrambled out of bed, gasping for breath as he stumbled over to the dresser on which he had placed his belongings. His hands knocked down his metal deodorant bottles as he frantically searched for his medicines.

"Minnie," he heard his grandmother yell out, voice still drowsy like she had just woken up. The sound of the deodorant bottles hitting the floor had probably alerted her.

Jimin shook, cursing himself as he picked up one plastic container after another, squinting his eyes at the various vitamins and tablets for cold. Where did I keep them goddamn it, Jimin pulled at his own hair, hands shaking as they entangled with his ebony strands. He sunk to the wooden floor, back against the dresser, one hand pressing against his chest as he tried to steady his breathing. The lights suddenly turned on, causing Jimin to squeeze his eyes shut to prevent the momentary blindness.

"Jesus," he heard his grandmother gasp as she rushed over to the nightstand, pulling open the first drawer and snatching a plastic bottle from inside. Jimin's eyes carefully took in the familiar orange cap of the bottle and he felt relieved. He watched silently as his grandmother uncapped the bottle and emptied a pill onto her hand, bringing it up to his lips.

"Open up," she said, holding the back of his head with utmost care. He felt a bottle of water being brought to his mouth as well and he gulped down the little red pill, leaning his head against the dresser.

Jimin's chest rose up and down as he breathed normally, guilty eyes looking into his grandmother's concerned ones. He ran a hand through his hair, gulping as he turned away. He heard his grandmother coo as she pulled him into a warm embrace, one hand massaging the back of his neck. Jimin closed his eyes, resting his sweaty forehead on her shoulder.

"I'm here," she whispered, kissing the side of his head. "It's okay, grandma's here."

I'm sorry, Jimin wanted to scream. Instead he held onto his grandmother's arms, squeezing them slightly in apology. He felt her rub his back, muttering sweet things into his ear to get him to calm down.

"I was so scared when I saw you like that," he heard her speak. She knew of his panic attacks, he had had them for years now. But she was still so scared. Every time she had to walk in on Jimin having one of his attacks, a piece of her heart would break. "Please keep your medicines together honey. Take care of your things. If I hadn't been here—"

Jimin held her tighter, kissing her shoulder apologetically. He heard her sigh as she ran her fingers through his hair, trying to undo the damp knotted strands.

"I love you, my sweet child," she muttered, holding his face in between her hands and making him look at her. She took in his teary eyes and felt herself tear up. Leaning forward she planted a long kiss on his forehead. "My poor, sweet child, you deserve nothing but happiness."

Jimin leaned further into her embrace, loving the comforting feeling that came along with his grandmother's body heat. She was always so warm and cuddly, always such a home to him, she was his home. He knew he would be okay as long as he had her by his side. She was his support system, his best friend, his motherly figure — she was the only one he had.

I love you, he traced onto her back with his fingertip, causing her to flash him a heartfelt smile. He smiled back, one corner of his lip tugging upward into the smallest of smiles.

~

note:
i think imma start updating on saturdays as well as one random day of the week in between because one whole week seems too long sksjsj.
i love jimin and his grandma uwu and their relationship will play a key role in this storyline.
enjoy reading xoxo <3
also does anyone watch jikook details' videos on youtube? like i cry every time she uploads?? and her spotify playlist is SO good??? :(