Tracy

"What are you two up to?" our brother asked, standing behind us.

"I was just showing Sophie some of the shots I got," I lied.

"Can I talk to you for a moment?" he directed his attention at me.

"I'll go and see if Mom needs help with anything." Sophie vacated her seat and Matthew took her place.

"What's up?" I asked, swallowing nervously.

He reached out and squeezed my shoulder affectionately. "You need any ice cream?"

My heart warmed and I felt a little tearful at his thoughtfulness. "I'm okay."

Matthew had always been involved in helping Sophie and I get through our heartbreak which involved copious amounts of ice cream.

"No choc mint?" he raised an eyebrow.

"Maybe a little," I sighed, putting my camera on the table.

"It's never easy," he sympathised with a sigh.

If he knew how difficult Jack was being he would have a fit.

"What happened?"

I looked down to my lap for a moment before shrugging. "It just didn't work out. We wanted different things." He wanted to stay in the relationship and I didn't.

"How did he take it?" He was watching me intently and I was aware my brother had the same way of observing body language like Mark.

I straightened in my seat feeling uncomfortable. I frowned. "How do you know...?"

Sophie had been the only person I had told about the details of the breakup. With the rest of my family I had never gone into the details of who had called time on the new relationship.

"I could see you weren't as invested in the relationship as he was."

He might not be saying that if he knew we had moved in together after just a few weeks of dating. With the genuine concern in his features I felt pang of guilt for keeping him in the dark but if he knew about my current predicament he would not be happy. I could already hear the lecture echoing in my head.

I shrugged, trying to say as little as possible so I didn't give anything I was trying to hide away.

"Maybe take some time to figure out what you really want."

That was the one thing about Matthew he always had lots of advice to share. He would usually be the one I would turn to when I was in a difficult situation I didn't know how to resolve but this was the first time I hadn't and I was struggling.

"You're right," I said a little breathlessly feeling awful for not being upfront about what was going on.

"You'll know when you find the right one." I followed his gaze that drifted to where Sarah was.

It made my heart squeeze at how he gazed at her, like nothing else mattered.

"If not I'll get a cat," I quipped, trying to cover up my vulnerability with a joke.

Matthew shook his head at me while suppressing a smile. "As an animal lover I can't let that happen."

I giggle before straighten my features but I couldn't stop smiling "Why not?"

"Try a plant first."

He leaned over and slung an arm around to pull me into a half hug. "I love you."

"Ditto."

"I hate it when you say that," he sighed, releasing me. "Why can't you just say it back like everyone else?"

Even though I was brought up in a close family I found it difficult to be expressive about my feelings. From a young child I had always replied to an 'I love you' with 'Ditto'. I'd been doing it for so long I wasn't even completely aware I did it. And the weird thing was that was the only time I used it.

"I don't know," I mumbled.

He studied me. "You're not going to find happiness until you learn to let people in."

I crossed my arms and pinned my brother a look that old him he was skating on thin ice. "I let you in."

"I'm family. Family doesn't count."

My frowned eased while I considered what he was saying. Was there some truth to it?

"Let me ask you a question?" He rested his arms on his legs and linked them together as he leaned closer. "How many close friends do you have?"

"A few," I replied feeling self conscious, trying to wrack my brain for some names. The truth was I had friends but none that I told my deepest darkest secrets to. Sophie knew me better than any one and I didn't always tell her everything.

"I don't want to argue with you. All I want for you is to be happy." He leaned back in his chair. "If it's with or without someone."

"You think that's why none of my relationship have worked out?"

He nodded. "I'm no shrink but you're a difficult person to get close to. I'm your brother and I still wonder what's going on in your head."

"And you do with Sophie?"

"Yes. Sophie is an open book."

He pointed to Sophie who was listening to something our Aunt was saying.

"See," he murmured.

Sophie was bored. There was no disguising it. Her eyes wondered as my aunt happily blabbered on. She even did an eye roll which my aunt didn't notice, she was too wrapped up in what she was saying.

I suppressed a giggle.

"I know trusting someone isn't easy but try it."

I'd always believed it was my feelings for Mark that kept me from finding someone special but what if it wasn't.

"I trust Mark," I stated, unsure if the statement was true. I trusted him like I trusted my brother but I didn't trust him enough to reveal how I felt about him. But maybe it wasn't that clear cut. Was it fear of rejection that made me keep my inner emotions close to my chest?

If I never really invested in my relationships there was no chance of getting really hurt. I'd had my ego bruised on more than a few occasions but that's all it had been. I'd never really felt that heart aching pain of experiencing a breakup.

Matthew raised an eyebrow and shook his head. "Mark is practically family. He doesn't count either."

If my brother knew how I fantasised about him he would blush. Heat rushed into my cheeks at the memory of Mark half naked with his chest bare. His muscles ripped and sweaty from working out. I'd imagined countless times what it would feel like to explore them with my hands.

"Technically he isn't," I argued.

"Okay fine, I'll give you one person outside our family," he relented. "The point isn't to argue all the finer details. I just want you to be happy and anything I can do to make that happen I will."

I nodded. He cared. "You worry too much."

"I'm the older brother, it's my job to worry about you and Sophie." It was light words but he meant every word.

I swallowed, feeling emotional. "Enough with the heavy talk, go find Sarah and enjoy the rest of your evening."

He gave me a hug before he left to find his fiancé across the room and I watched.

After our little talk I felt more guilty for not opening up and telling him the truth. It was too late now, I had lied and I had to ensure he never discovered it. I was hard to get close to and I couldn't manage my life. Was there anything I could do right?

His advice had given me a window into how people viewed me. I wasn't the only one who didn't let people in.

I felt Mark's gaze before my eyes found his. Across the room he stood beside the bar watching me with a look that was difficult to read. He didn't let people in either. I wasn't the only one who knew very little about him. Matthew was probably the only person who knew things about Mark that no one did.

There was something about his gaze that made me pick up my camera. I pointed it at him as he held his pose and I took a picture feeling a need to keep that moment for longer than possible.

It was difficult to explain my action and I lowered the camera Mark turned his back to me, closing me off physically. It felt like I was being shut out but from what?

Did I use my feeling for Mark to ensure there was no hope of any relationship blossoming? Was he my 'get out relationship' card?

I chewed the inside of my cheek as I contemplate the new realisation that dawned on me.