"Dec 2x, xx

Tonight is the 3rd night of our marriage. I have moved my stuffs into the guestroom, because, I know Yoongi would not want me to be in his bedroom. I still am not used to his place. It is too dark, too cold, and too lonely for me. When night falls, the emptiness and darkness frighten me. I have been crying myself to sleep. As I was about to go to bed, Jungkook dragged the intoxicated Yoongi home. Jungkook flashed his apologetic bunny smile at me as I ran out of my room, "Hyungsu-nim, Annyonghaseyo! I'm sorry that I cannot stop hyungnim from drinking too much." I nervously greeted him while helping him to take drunk Yoongi into his room.

As soon as Jungkook tossed Yoongi onto the bed, he hurriedly ran toward the door saying something like he's had enough past 3 days and please take over for him. I was left behind to face the hammered Yoongi on the bed. Took a deep breath, I mustered enough strength and courage to slowly take off his clothes and wipe his body. I had to refrain myself so hard not too run my hands on on his chiseled chest and abs. I want Yoongi, I want him so badly, inside of me screaming that desire. I want his heart as well as his body. I want him all to myself, but I know I could never attain those. I dressed him in comfortable clothes, tuck him in, then retreated back to room. I am more relieved now that he is home. I don't have to be scared of the emptiness in this house anymore."

"Dec 24, xx

This is our first Noel. Snow, beautiful white blanket covers everything in sight. Cold, the weather is really cold and so are this house and my heart. I thought Yoongi would stay home with me after his 3-day disappearance, but things have not changed. He still rather spends his time somewhere else, perhaps, with Tina. I have been lying to my parents when they check on me, telling them I am happily married. I cannot make them worried that their daughter is suffering in silence. I have prepared the presents for both families under our names, despites of the facts that Yoongi doesn't even care. I have also prepared a scarf as present to him; however, I don't think I would get a chance to give it. There would not even be a slight hope that Yoongi would buy me anything for Xmas. I am not expecting, not hoping, not longing. Why is my life slowly turning into this sad and lonely abyss. My heart hurts every time I think about him and Tina. Is a wife like me entitled to jealously? The thought of them spending Christmas' Eve together by the sparkling beautifully decorated tree is crushing my already broken heart.

I am now sitting here, alone, in his house, no Christmas tree, no present, no decorations, no festive music, and no Yoongi. Only me, in the dark, on a cold night, bundling up in my bed, looking outside of the windows, seeing falling snow from the sky and happy cheery people at below. Me, only me, alone in this world, holding on pieces of my broken heart and broken dream. How long could I endure this? I don't know. I think I have developed depression, no i am sure I have depression.
Merry Christmas, Yoongi! I love you, love you with my selfish love. I will love you in my own way for as long as I could."