"Episode 3 - We are not who we are."

I don't know how long we sat there for. On the side of the empty road, me crying my eyes out in his arms. Flashes of Jude's attack assailed me while I cried. It was like I was on a memory lane train, passing through a tunnel with my horrible past on displayed across the walls. I wanted to get out but I couldn't. The train wouldn't stop.

A black and white image popped out first. He was on top of me and I could feel him inside me while I was screaming and crying, calling out for my mom. The ceiling looked half caved in, I could see the evening sky and exposed beams until his face into view. The scenery didn't look real but I still felt like vomiting. Then, suddenly I was in Chicago, looking at myself in the mirror. The girl that stared at me was grown now, not the little girl who cried out for her mother.

"Papa, why didn't you save me?"

The girl in the mirror stood in an expensive marble room with bright golden light. She knew she was safe. It was me. I knew I was safe. But the little girl screamed. I screamed. With hands pressing down on the sides of my head, I screamed. The images kept floating back to me.

Somewhere down the train I forgot where I was. My past and present merged. I thought I was in the past. Where I wasn't safe anymore. I had to run. Make it stop.

"MAKE IT STOP." I sobbed, not being able to breathe.

The train rattled, my body shook or someone shook me. I didn't know what was happening. I was back on the train. Back in front of the mirror. The girl in the mirror couldn't take it anymore. She knew - I knew- that Jude was long gone. For his own fucking safety. He ran for Cuba or one of the Islands where he couldn't be extradited. But I was still trapped. The nightmares didn't end.

Breathing hurt.

Existing hurt.

The only way to stop it was if I stopped thinking. There it was. The solution. My hands opened the cabinet. I took out bottle of sleeping pills. Pills I needed to survive, make sure the monster stayed away from my nightmares. Mason Capone's mother had given them to me. That's it. That's all I needed.

The girl in the mirror tipped the bottle over her mouth. swallowed down the pills. She looked at me. Dark eyes, just like mine but younger. She was hurt. She was in pain. I was in pain. I couldn't do anything to save her.

I couldn't do anything to save myself. Daniella was dead. She tried to escape with me, trying to save me but they killed her. Dex killed her. I had no one to live for any more. I had no one who cared for me. I wasn't worth it. Death seemed kinder than what was happening with me.

I started feeling drowsy. My memory started to become sluggish and my eyes met the eyes of the girl in the mirror. I was staring at myself. The pain reflecting back at me

She was trapped.

I was trapped. Somewhere inside my own head. I was trapped and I couldn't get out. Oh, so softly, she whispered.

"Papa, why didn't you save me?" That was it. She fell on the floor and suddenly the glass shatter into pieces.

Then, everything around me, died. Like I did. I never felt such peace in my life before. It was cold, quiet and quaint. I loved every moment of it. I knew, for just even a minute that I was safe and nobody could harm me anymore.

I was safe.

I saved me.

Because, no one else ever did.

Soft mummer of a familiar voice seeped through the thick fog darkness, prying my eyes open slightly. For a split second, I panicked. I thought I was back in captivity with Jude somewhere lurking in the shadows but the smell of wood settled me. Groaning, I turned in the warmth of my bed, stuffing the blanket under my chin. I could feel the light from the TV trying to pry my eyes open but my lids were too heavy to do so.

I twisted, stretching my muscles when I paused, feeling a warm body next to me. Instead of reaching out for him, I pulled the covers over my head. It took me a couple of seconds to remember our conversation in the car and the fact that I was back in bed somehow. Void of all the winter clothes.

I heard a loud sigh, the bed mattress dipped towards him as he turned. I felt my covers slowly slide down my face before his lips softly touched my forehead. It was me who sighed this time around. His gentleness gave me the courage to face my feelings knowing he'd be there to catch me.

He saved me. I wasn't so alone in the world anymore.

His fierceness provided me with the strength to face my nightmares every day.

But I broke down today.

I wasn't strong enough. My mental barrier was crushed and a whole flood of memories and emotions poured out. I didn't know what part of the flashback was real or what part wasn't. It felt like two memories had merged and I didn't know which one was which. I didn't know where the broken roof came from, I didn't remember anything like that from my childhood.

I still don't.

"You're okay, Princess?" He spoke with his lips against my skin. Firm and strong. "Do you want something to eat?"

I nodded.

With a last lingering kiss, he left and tinkered around the kitchen. Rubbing the sleep away from my eyes, I finally looked at the T.V. mounted on the wall opposite side of the bed. It wasn't a huge T.V. like used to have one at the mansion but the room wasn't big either. Just enough room for a bed, a walk-in closet, a table and a chair. It was perfect for us.

Re runs of The Bachelorette was on and I knew he wasn't watching. He just left it on for me so I could have the light in darkness and the sound so I wasn't left alone with my own mind. That's what he was like. He always thought of me first, of what I needed, of what I wanted. My chest tightened.

When he came back, we watched old episodes of the Bachelorette and ate lasagne. The curtains were drawn and with the lack of lights coming through, I guessed I slept the whole day away. The clock on the T.V. read 17:45 and I remembered leaving home around 12.

Neither of us spoke but I could feel a nervous energy vibrating off him. I didn't know where to start and he didn't know what to say. Neither of us knew what was the right thing to say.

Instead I said, "Rachel picks Bryan at the end you know."

"He looks and acts like a douchebag." Finally, Gabe leaned back, trying to appear relaxed.

"I know. I wanted her to pick Peter because he's so sincere but she goes with Bryan." Putting the plates away on the bed side table, I scooted back into his open arm that he had flung over my pillows. He was in sweats and a simple white full sleeved t-shirt.

I was in long purple pyjamas with silver designs on it.

"Mm! They always go for the stupid ones." He pulled me into him, tucking me into his side.

"How did you get me into these pyjamas. I didn't even notice." I tried to keep my voice light but failed.

"You were extremely tired. You passed out while you were crying. I brought you back, changed you out while you slept." His whole body was solid as a rock. It was the first time I felt awkward around him. I could always talk to him about anything but this twisted in my gut.

I tried to hide my embarrassment with a false laugh. "I'm so embarrassed." I rubbed my forehead, trying my hardest to not look at him.

"WHAT?" He blew up. His actions became urgent, almost volatile. "You're embarrassed? WHY?" He turned me towards him. Eyes blazing with fire, fury burning through his veins. I didn't understand why he was angry at me. Angry because I ruined out plans? No. that wasn't his character.

"I..." I didn't know what to say.

"HOW the FUCK can YOU be embarrassed? For what happened to you. Are you kidding me?" He was furious.

Instead of replying to him, I closed my eyes and leaned back against the headboard. Defeated. He wasn't mad at me. I knew that. He was mad for me, at the whole situation. Even though I napped the whole day, I still felt exhausted. My mental capacity had exceeded its limit. When I closed my eyes, I could feel my consciousness lift out of my body.

"You were kidnapped, sexually abused by a psychopath, physically and mentally brutalized and YOU'RE embarrassed?" He stood next to the bed, seething with hatred. Exhausted, I extended my hand wanting to be held by him.

He came to me in a rush. Face ashen with guilt.

"Do you even know that you were talking while you were crying?" I froze. My eyes widening in shock.

"What?" I didn't remember that. I vaguely remembered calling out for my dad in my memories but not out loud.

His expression softened. "You kept repeating 'Papa, why didn't you save me.'" He was on the verge of tears. So was I. "I kept trying to tell you that you're okay and that I'm here now and I won't let anyone hurt you. Ever. But I couldn't reach you."

Tears slid down my cheeks. He somehow kept his ones at bay. "Then you said, 'no one is helping me' and I wanted to die right there." He looked so torn. I'd only seen him so vulnerable when I was dying. "I'm doing my best to help you but I feel like I keep failing you."

"No! No Gabriel no." I begged, desperately. Getting on my knees, I took his defeated face in my palms. His coarse beard prickled my skin. "You saved me." I rested his forehead against mine.

My chest ached. Not because of the past but because of him. He was my everything. How could I explain that to him?

He shook his head. "Oh baby, I broke you today." His voice shook. "Every time you called out for your papa to help you, I died a little inside each time thinking that no one ever came to save you. No one ever stopped the monster. And the fact that I was too late. I didn't understand the extent of your scars." I shook my head, trying to speak when he slid his hands up my arm before wrapping his fingers around my chin. He rested his thumb on my lips to keep me from talking.

"I shouldn't have pushed you." His voice deepened. "I've been watching you sleep for the past couple of hours thinking. What have I done?" He shook his head. My eyes were closed, water coming out from left and right. I couldn't take it. I opened my mouth to breathe while he stroked my bottom lip with his thumb.

"I shouldn't have opened up the wounds. I'm so sorry." He was crying now. Like he did when I was on the steel table, dying. "I failed you today. I'm so sorry."

"No." I spoke against the pad of this thumb.

"Your tears, they gutted me. I couldn't breathe listening to you scream. I couldn't reach you. You were so far gone in your head I couldn't reach you. No matter what I said, I couldn't get to you even though I had you in my arms."

"I was sucked back to the night when you were dying and I was holding you but you were slipping away. I thought I'd never have to feel that again but I did. While I held you in my arms for nearly half an hour before you passed out from pain. Mental pain." He leaned back to the edge of the bed, taking the warmth away with him. Using the back of his hand, he quickly wiped his eyes. His dark beard hid the rest.

"You're my world, Gabriel." I crawled towards him, running my hands over his chest, shoulders, neck then back to his face. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, one leg hanging over the side. "How can you say that. You saved me."

Solemnly, he shook his head. "Not fast enough. I couldn't save you today." He grabbed my hips, picked me up by my waist and placed me on his lap. "I wanted to die if it meant the pain you felt today would stop."

"I don't know what happened." I tried to explain but I didn't know how to.

"For fuck sake Elena, you passed out form the pain you felt today. I've passed out from bullet wounds before and I know how much the body needs to be in agony to pass out. You did. From emotional pain so I understand how much pain you were in." He engulfed me in his arms, my legs wrapped around his waist, head resting on his shoulder. "Oh God Elena." Soothingly, he rubbed my back.

"I'm sorry." He finally said after a long tearful silence.

"Thank you for watching over me." I confessed.

"I had to. To make sure you weren't having a nightmare. I know you don't scream out but your facial expression changes. I was waiting for that but it looked like you slept in peace." He kissed my shoulder sloppily.

His confession compelled me to squeeze him tighter, balling his shirt into my fists.

"We're going to be okay right?" I needed to know that. I could face anything as long as we were solid.

"Of course!" He leaned back to look me in the eye. "Nothing will change the fact I can't live without you."

I smiled, feeling a weight being lifted of my shoulders. Facing him finally, I dug my fingers into his hair. They were not soft or rough, just normal. Like a man who didn't care much for his looks but to me he was the most handsome man in the world. His eyes squeezed my chest. They were a shade of hazel brown with flecks of green in it. It's not usually noticeable unless one got close enough to him.

Which was either after their death or me.

My smile widened at that thought.

His lips perked up finally. Only slightly but it was enough for me. "What?" He swiped his hands up my back.

"Just how you are with me. Sometimes I forget that you're a trained killer." I leaned down to place a soft peck on his lips. He however, didn't take it any further like he usually would. Instead of grabbing my hair and shoving me on the bed to have his way with me, he stood up carefully. My legs tightened around his waist, his hands under my butt stabled me while he manoeuvred.

Turning, he got on the bed so he was leaning against the headboard. My back was to the tv, knees bent against his hips.

"I can teach you. I can teach you how to get out of holds that seem impossible, I can teach you to take down people twice as big as you. You won't feel vulnerable anymore." He offered. From the tightness of his face, I could tell he was being serious. Intrigued, I kept the small smile on my lips. My hands explored his face, his hair and neck. My fingers were everywhere, nails scratching against his skin. I loved the way his hair felt sliding through my fingers.

Leaning down, I placed a kiss on his forehead.

"You know I'm glad we got to spend our birthdays together. Alone." He smiled now. A full-on heart throbbing smile.

"That cake you made for me, mmmhuh!" His eyes rolled back, making me laugh. I was 24 years old now, he was 29. His birthday was on 28th of October and mine was only a couple of days ago, 11th of December.

We celebrated his by me making a chocolate cake him with cream cheese frosting to make up for the fact I couldn't ravish his sexy body because of the raw wound. Whereas for mine, he gave me the best sex I'd ever had and pink diamond studs for my 3 cartilage piercings on top of my ear.

I had told him before that I didn't like wearing large rocks but I did like earrings. That was way back when we were still at the mansion. He remembered and it touched my heart when he presented them to me.

Sighing, I dragged my nails down his beard.

"I'm okay now." I told him.

"I know but it doesn't mean I want to see you like that ever again." He stroked my hair, trying to settle me down.

"I understand why you did that. I know I need help but how can we do that now? Here? Us watching over our shoulders and-"

"I know." His hands fell in defeat. "I know, I'm sorry."

"Let's take one day at a time. My mental barriers are up again. Let's keep it that way. You teach me to how fight and we carry on our life like this. Here. Live in peace for however long we can." He kept nodding as I spoke.

"Okay, we go shopping tomorrow and then I'll teach you how to get out of someone's grasp who's twice the size of you." An evil smirk stretched across his lips. Eyes twinkling like he's thinking of blood.

I smiled too, excited by the idea of Jude's blood in my hands.