"Episode 2 - Secret married life."  

Finally, I looked up at him, keeping our body entangled. He also had a gold band around his ring finger. We didn't get married in a chapel or a court house. The only thing that marries us is a fake marriage licence and driving licences but we never cared about the logistics. What binds me to him are my feelings for him.

Knowing that I can't breathe without him.

What's even scarier is that I don't want to.

I sighed once more. "Are you sure you want to do this? The whole husband and wife thing?" I asked. We hadn't talked much about it because we didn't speak to many people and usually it was just him who was out, interacting.

"I know it's not a real thing but last night you said you wanted normal. It's been three months. We can't just stop living." He kissed the tip of my nose.

"You already know that I don't believe in the constitution of marriage or what a vow means to people. Let's face it. Even if people stand in front of friends and family and a minister, it doesn't stop people from cheating, divorcing and abusing their partners, it means nothing to me. So, if I can let the slutty girls know that you're mine without jumping through hoops, I'm cool." I pushed up, waited for him to lean down to meet me half way before his lips settled on mine.

"I wish that asshole got that idea when he saw that ring on your finger." His face hardened. He'd grown his beard out, hair longer too, cut in layers so only the ends could reach his shoulders. He even bulked up.

"You look like a grizzly bear." I stroked his full beard. His face transformed again. The corners of his eyes wrinkled, full set of teeth made an appearance.

He was beautiful.

"I'll take that as a compliment." He shook his head, releasing one arm to retrieve his drink. I followed suit. "I still hate that you keep your cutting your hair."

"I have to keep it short." I had to cut my hair short, to his dismay. My hair just about touched my shoulder, cut in long strokes.

"You didn't need to dye it." He complained. Dying my hair light brown brought him on the verge of hysteria. This time, I was the one to shake my head. The extended roof on top of the deck protected the wooden chairs from snow. Sitting down, we finished our drinks outside. Our current home wasn't like anything I lived in before. It was a small shack compared to what I was used to but it was the most luxurious place I'd ever lived in. To me, it was heaven.

The dark wooden cedar house was only one story high. One bedroom, an en suite bathroom, kitchen and the lounge were a one big open planned room. That was enough for us. For me at least. The simple pleasures of life were the most wonderful pleasures.

However, there was nothing simple about us. We were both murderers. Both prisoners, running from our captors. We looked over our shoulders every time we are out. Both sleep with guns under our pillows. Not only that, we've hidden more weapons all around the house just in case something happened.

When we escaped, it was near the end of summer and I still remembered the pain. The gut searing pain where the bullet had penetrated me. The sobbing begs from Gabriel and kind eyes of Nathan Ross and Linda.

A different kind of chill crawled up my back then spread around my body like tentacles, engulfing me from inside. It wasn't because of the cold air around me but because of the memory of the freezing metal table I was on for hours. I hated thinking about it. I hated remembering it but it was better than the memories from my childhood.

I turned towards him, found Gabe absently rubbing his right knee. My heart hurt at the thought of him being in pain because of me. If it hadn't been for me, he wouldn't have had to risk his life like this, neither would he have had to be in this darn cold weather. I blamed myself for a lot of things but making him suffer was worst guilt to carry.

Reaching out, I rested my hand on his arm, giving it a slight rub.

"What's the plan for today?"

"Christmas shopping?" His expression was perplexed, like I'd asked him an unintelligible question. "Are you okay?" He leaned towards me in concern.

"I was just..." I swirled my finger next to my head in circles. "...over thinking." I was the one who mentioned Christmas shopping. Feeling the weight of his stare, I rubbed my face with my gloves. Unable to look him in the eyes. Standing, I picked up our empty mugs and headed inside. The floor creaked, warm air engulfed me.

Gabe was a silent shadow, until I heard the door click close. Putting the mugs in the dishwasher, I attempted to skirt around the counter, trying to get away from Gabe but he caught me easily. Without saying a word, he pulled me into him, tucking me under his chin. I held on to his jacket.

He rocked me from side to side, stroking the back of my head tenderly. His jacket was cold against my cheek but I took comfort in it. Kissing the top of my head, he rested his cheek on my hat.

"You can talk to me, you know. If you can't, we can find a professional?" His offer startled me.

"A shrink?" I pulled back to stare up at his face.

"Yeah." He looked sheepish. I frowned deeply, waiting for him to carry on. "You haven't spoked about getting shot or your life with the Capones. You only say a few sentences when you wake up in the middle of the night from a nightmare other than that, you pretend that it doesn't even exist."

Stunned, I stared at him. I tried to de-tangle myself from him but his grip around my back tightened.

"Baby, I'm not trying to hurt you. I just need you to know that you can talk to me. I might not have been through what you have but it doesn't mean I won't do my very best to understand or to comfort you and be there for you." He sighed.

I melted into his loving arms. The sadness in his eyes and voice gutted me. He was right. I wasn't trying to push him away but I did stop talking to him about the deeper problems that I had. He tried though. Day in and day out but I was holding back unintentionally.

Softening in his hold, I leaned back into him.

"I blocked it all out. I pretend that I wasn't Elena Capone. I pretend that I wasn't even Lucia Catalan." I paused because it physically hurt to talk about it but he understood. He always did. Slowly, his hands left my back, moved into my hair. Holding my face tightly in his hands, he rested his forehead against mine.

Something inside me broke at from the tenderness he showed. It was unimaginable sometimes to think that it could come from such a big burly man like him. "I'm here for you." I knew that, never doubted that.

"Sometimes, I get flashbacks. When I'm not doing anything, my mind pulls me into a scene from my childhood or the clinic when I was shot and I just can't breathe." It felt like I was out of breath already. "Sometimes, when you're not here, I hear voices in my head of Mason Capone or Jude and I want to vomit."

"At one time, I had to physically put my palms against on my ears to stop the voices."

"Oh baby!" His breath touched my lips. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"It's easier if I'm not dealing with it all together. It's just easier to pretend that I'm Mia Anderson, wife of Asher Anderson. Even though those aren't our real names and our real lives like we spoke about but isn't that much better. To be anyone but us, Gabe?" I grabbed onto his arm. "I can't take the stress any more Gabriel. I can't." I did my very best to keep my voice from quivering but he caught the heaviness of my voice.

"It's okay baby. If you don't want to talk about it, then we don't have to." He pulled me against his body in a tight hug.

I was all for pretending we were other people but for how long could we keep it up? For how long could we live in the bliss before our past caught up with us, suffocating us? How long did we have a life in fear? I was losing it slowly and Gabe finally realised that even if the conversation was short and shallow.

I was not ready to go deeper yet. I was not ready break down yet.

If I did, I wouldn't have the strength to come back from it.

I didn't know how my mind wasn't in fragments and how I didn't end up in a physic ward yet. I envied the people who lived a full like without experiencing the type of torture I had. My life was a game to someone. A leverage. And I was used like a rag doll by Jude when I didn't know any better. My chest tightened when the memory of his first assault flashed before my eyes.

Widening my eyes, I gulped, trying to bring myself out of that nightmare. After our conversation, Gabe didn't push me to open up again. He said that he understood. It was like that with him and his time overseas as a SEAL team member. He preferred not to talk about it as well, only, he didn't know I was the same.

I remembered talking to Gabriel about my life while we were still in New York and in Capone mansion. He thought that I'd carry on doing so but we both hadn't counted on me nearly dying. That was worse. I couldn't think about that experience either let alone talk about it. Therefore, I tried to block everything out.

For the sake of my own sanity.

Shaking my head, I found myself looking out the window of the truck Gabe recently bought. The whole land was covered in snow. Trees, roofs, lawns and roads. It looked like we were in winter wonderland.

"Are there going to be rides and stuff at the fair?" I asked not knowing what he was talking about.

"Yes. It's simply called Winter Fare and they have on in the summer. It's just a way to get the town together and share produce or whatever. There would be stalls, games, rides. You'll like it. I promise." He reached out to take my hand in his.

"When do you want to go?" I wondered.

"Next week is good. A week before Christmas is the best time apparently." He sounded excited and I realised it had been a while since I heard that flutter in his voice. He sounded youthful and optimistic.

It sounded like a good idea and I was completely on board with that. The sky above us brightened but the shroud of thick cloud remained. It was the first time in three months we were going out together. Usually, we'd would just go to the supermarket and then straight back but this time we were going to for the night together. Try to enjoy ourselves.

A day out as husband and wife.

Mia and Asher Anderson.

We had to make sure that we didn't slip up but there was no way I was going to call him by someone else's name while we were alone together. He squeezed my hand before releasing it before turning the corner and onto the main road. We carried on down a similar path, snow piled high like mountains along the side of the roads. Everything outside the car was white green and grey.

Involuntarily, I smiled.

"What?" My gaze followed Gabe's voice. His hand ended up on my knee, a crooked smile crept up on his face. I didn't know he was looking at me.

"It looks like winter wonderland."

"It's even better in town." He countered.

"You REALLY like winter don't you?" I couldn't help but smile.

"I..." He thought about it for a second. "I guess I do. I had a mission, one of my first actually as a SEAL member. We were somewhere in a Serbian jungle, we had to kill some drug lord and after we completed the mission we were stuck in the snowy mountain. Maybe in Hungary or Serbia but definitely somewhere around the border."

"You know sometimes when I just stare out the window at night?" I did. "That's what it reminds me of..." He paused. "...That's how I got my wolf nick name. I killed a pack of wolves when we were hiding out, waiting for rescue team. Did I ever tell you?" He was opening up to me about his past and I felt guilty for holding back.

"Are you supposed to tell me this?" My frowned seemed to amuse him.

"Oh fuck all." He exasperated, screwing his face. "I don't give a fuck anymore."

I gave a half-hearted laugh, shaking my head.

"Half of them are dead any ways and the government, well we're on the run now so it doesn't really matter." He shrugged.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that." I rubbed his forearm in comfort.

"We both went through something that most people can't even imagine but we survived. We're here now. Let's just make the most of it." He was right but something was bugging me.

"Do you think we will get punished for being happy?" All my life, I never knew happiness existed. Jude took that from me. "Every time something good happens, something bad must occur straight after and it's usually brings triple the pain. Aren't you sick of this?"

The silence thickened the artificial warm atmosphere inside the car. His body stiffened, his hand on my knee slowly slipped away. I appeared to have said something that offended him and he was holding back. Slowly, he rolled the car into a pile of snow. When we came to a stop, he turned and looked at me with such intensity, I felt it my stomach quiver.

Reaching out, he brushed the back of my cheek with his gloved finger. Gulping, he said "I have you."

Shit. I didn't mean to hurt him and that's exactly what he looked like. Distort. My strong is soldier looked broken.

"That's not what-" Urgently, I reached out, grabbing at him.

"I know." His familiar crooked smile tore my heart. "I know what you mean. I always do. I also know that you're trying your best to be in this moment but with what you've been through, you have the right to be sceptical. But you can't give up."

All the air in my lungs gave out. I deflated like a balloon as tears threatened my eyes. He read between the lines, understood what I meant by "sick of this". Sick of life, it self. His hands were around my neck, thumb snuck under the scarf to rest on my carotid artery.

"If you die, what the hell would I do?" I died right there. His eyes were filled with unwashed tears and it ripped me apart.

But the good thing was, that I finally felt something. Something deep in my gut that had been lacking for the last couple of months. Emotions. I knew I was obsessed with him. I knew I was distraught about my past but they were just emotions that I knew instead of feel.

However, I felt something then.

Heartbreak.

Pain.

Shame, for hurting him.

"I'm not leaving you." I stroked his face. "I'm not going to kill myself." Saying the words out loud took the breath right out of me. Something inside me cracked. Like a glass, shattering into million pieces. All the emotions that I had suppressed bubbled up to my throat, choking it closed. I couldn't breathe then.

I had the man of anyone's dream taking care of me and I was thinking about ending it? No. That's not something I thought of any more. Not since I met him.

"I tried committing suicide but that was before I met you. That was before I knew I had no hope." I choked. Tears streamed down my face as heaved, gasping for air. "Oh my God! I'm crying." My tears surprised me. I hadn't cried since I was shot. I didn't know why. Maybe I was emotionally stunted or all the abuse had taken the humanity away from me but I couldn't cry on. Not until now. I hadn't cried since we broke out.

"Oh God Gabriel." I heaved, my whole body shook involuntarily. "Oh God Gabe. Why? Why me?" It felt like someone had lit my insides on fire and all the emotions flew up and out of my body by shaking it violently.

"Oh! princess." He engulfed me in one swipe, piking me up and putting into his lap. He sounded defeated. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up."

"It hurts so much." I cried like a child, hand over my open mouth. Like someone who lost their soul mate. I was in pain. Head splitting, chest tightening, stomach flipping kind of pain. I felt sick. "Why does it hurt so bad?"

"I'm sorry." He sounded like he was in pain himself. "I'm sorry I couldn't fix you."

"Make it stop." I convulsed in his arms, the mental barrier that kept me sane had finally broken.

I was broken.

No, I am broken.

"I'm sorry." He held me tightly in his arms, rocking me back and forth. "I'm so sorry."

So was I.