I just found something in my note just before I started my hospitalosation in a clinic.

"Even I sometimes I've got some suicide thoughts and it's my little bro mom and last grandma who keeps me away that shit. I too go for cigarettes and alcohol because when I drink or smoke I've got that feeling of safety, peace, and like I'm out of all the problems I can have and I stop but when I'm feeling bad my mind tell me to go for them because they're the only remedy for me and my insecurity. I'm begun thinking to stop it so I stop. The way the others look at me or the looks of my relatives make me feel ashamed, guilty; so I started take care of me a little by little and that's refreshing.
But now the problems are the way I see myself and my reflection in the mirror 😭. That's make me so sad so I can think by myself sometimes and even if I knew what my family said by joking is just a manner to make me understand what they think about it. Sometimes is just nothing because we're not the kind of family to say "I love you" everytime. We never told us how much we love each other or we did but it's just a rare things we more the kind of family where siblings fighting and swear at each other try to put down the strength of the other ,but that's just because we wish our youngest siblings was strong for this mother fucking world. And just don't mess up with one of us because even with our fights and all the bad things and joke we do to each other we're a strong family we stand together against the problems and that's even if we kept our problems for ourselves. I think it's our manner to say I love you between us 😍😂😂😈
So I'm going nowhere now so like I said my body doesn't makes me feel well I know I'm an big fat person. In front of everyone I'm like "-No I like my body the way he is and that's all right.
-if it's not for my health I'm not going to do the surgery.
-‎My weight doesn't bothering me."
But inside I'm dying 😭😭, my soul was screaming to help me 😭, but no one hear that little voice that voice is the one I keep hiding 🤐😟; the one I'm hiding because I don't want my family to try to help me. I know if they help me I was feeling like shit and like if I'm weak if I can't do anything by myself 😭😭
So I keep all that feeling, all that everything in me and very well locked🔐 like that I'm the only to deal with all that crap and no one was hurt, no one just me 😞🙁
And I can tell if I'm not feeling well there's always my mom and siblings here for me and even my friends ( ꈍᴗꈍ)( T_T)＼(^-^ )(/^-^(^ ^*)/ "