*GUESS WHO'S BACK!! BACK AGAIN!!

RO IS BACK!! TELL A FRIEND!!!

seriously it's been YEARS!! i need to finally finish this fucking thing. i started it in 2017. it's 2024. there's only two chapters left after this one!! losing my voltron hyperfixation, writers block, severe mental illness, surviving a tornado, moving, starting a cosplay account (not sharing the @ because it has my real name and face and i want tmy writing to be anonymous), and increasingly poor physical health have all made this extremely difficult. over the past few years i've been diagnosed with 2 new mental illnesses and 5ish physical illnesses. i've also had multiple hospitalizations. my life has been fucking hell. but I'm in therapy and starting to turn my life around! i might even go back to school soon! we'll see. anyway, i luckily made a binder dedicated to character profiles, plot, timeline and world building so i haven't forgotten anything. i literally handmade a calendar so i wouldn't forget the in-universe events. i also reread my old chapters (they're so cringe in hindsight! i've grown up i guess. i'm not a teenager anymore.) let's get into it!!

an important reminder before we get into it. when i started level up, it was set in present day. due to my shit ton of hiatuses, this story is currently set in 2018. i didn't keep up with the passage of time lol. specific years are mentioned at the end so i wanted to clarify that.*

(2880 words)

December 9

It was 4 a.m. when Lance woke up to an empty bed. Keith was an early riser, but never this early, especially on a Saturday. Lance waited a few minutes, assuming Keith was in the bathroom, but when he didn't return, Lance knew something was wrong and needed to find him.

He got out of bed and wandered into the hall. A light was on in the kitchen, and Lance followed it to find Keith sitting at the table, staring at a cup of coffee.

"Keith?" Lance asked softly as he entered. "What are you doing up this early?"

Keith didn't look up. "I'm trying to convince myself not to go to the store."

Lance sat down next to him. "What do you need from the store?"

"I need to not go at all."

Lance studied Keith's blank expression. "What would you buy if you did go?"

Keith hesitated. "Well, I'm still 19, so I can't legally buy it. I'd have to steal it. That's even worse than buying it."

Lance understood immediately. Alcohol.

He took a moment before speaking again. "You know you can tell me anything, right? No matter how bad it is."

Keith finally looked at Lance. "What was it like for you on your birthday?"

"Which part? I felt a lot that day."

"How did you feel knowing it was the anniversary of her death?"

Lance looked down, grappling with the sensitive subject. "It felt like the world was shattering around me. I was consumed by guilt, grief, and regret. Logically, I know it's not my fault, but that's how it feels. It's like a heavy, dark blanket. Why are you asking?"

"Because I wanted to know if I was the only one who feels like that on the anniversary of the death of  someone I couldn't save."

The room was silent for a moment, with a heavy, unspoken truth hanging between them.

Finally, Lance spoke. "It's Cyrin, isn't it? He died on this day?"

Keith nodded, silent.

Lance struggled to respond. Keith's role in Cyrin's death was complex—some would blame him entirely, while others would completely absolve him. Both would have valid arguments. Lance couldn't simply say there was nothing Keith could have done, because there were alternatives. So, he offered the only reassurance he could.

"There was too much damage to reverse. You wouldn't have been able to save him."

It wasn't entirely true. Keith wondered if standing up to Carson, Cleo, and Seamus could have stopped the bullying, or if more support might have made Cyrin's life better. If he had been a friend instead of a bully, Cyrin might still be alive.

"Lance, you weren't there. The things I said and did... If you'd seen it, you'd hate me. You wouldn't have given me a second chance."

Lance reached over, placing his hand on Keith's arm. "You were a different person back then. You were under the influence of drugs and an abusive relationship. It doesn't excuse what you did, but it's enough for me to know you deserve a second chance. And you proved it was worth giving. You couldn't save Cyrin, but you saved me."

Keith looked at him. "Saving you doesn't erase the fact that I drove a kid to suicide."

"Keith, don't do this to yourself. You have to move on. Forgive yourself, or you'll be miserable. If Millie can forgive you, then you should, too." Lance paused, thinking. "Maybe you should reach out to her."

"Reach out to Millie? No. Absolutely not."

Lance frowned. "I'm not forcing you, but I think some closure would be good for you. It could help you move on. You deserve that."

"And what about Millie? What if she's moved on? I'd just bring back bad memories."

"That's a valid point. But today is hard for her too. You two might help each other through it. Sometimes facing your past is the only way to heal."

Keith chuckled, but there was no humor in it. "Me? Help her? That's ridiculous."

"Is it? She might need to face you as much as you need to face her."

Keith looked down. "I'll think about it."

Lance leaned over and kissed Keith's cheek. "Why don't you come back to bed and sleep on it? Please. At least come lay down with me."

Keith sighed. "Okay. Only because I really need to hold on to you right now."

Lance smiled gently. "Hold me as tight as you need to."

12:27 pm

kmskeith: hey millie. it's keith kogane. if you don't want anything to do with me then ignore this or block me or whatever. but i just wanted to talk. we both know what today is

1:42 pm

silliemillie: of course i know what day it is. but why are you wanting to talk now? it's been 4 years

kmskeith: for one, i want to apologize to you when i'm sober. i'm so sorry for everything i did to you two. i wish i could say this to your face but i figured this was better than never saying it at all

silliemillie: what's the second reason?

kmskeith: i'm not going to lie to you. my boyfriend told me to. said it would be good for me. i didn't want to bother you but i don't want to upset him either. i honestly didn't expect you to reply

silliemillie: i almost didn't. i thought maybe you were daydrinking and sent me that because you were drunk

silliemillie: are you just sober in this moment or are you sober for good?

kmskeith: it's for good. i got clean after i moved away. i was sent to a group home for addicts. after what happened i was determined to get sober and make sure it'd stick. it worked and i've been sober ever since. but honestly this morning was really hard. that's why lance said i should message you. closure or some shit like that

silliemillie: sounds like you've found yourself a good boyfriend. i'm glad. i know we have a lot of bad blood between us but no matter what you did you definitely didn't deserve the way carson treated you

kmskeith: well he's sure as hell paying for what he did now. he's locked up for life

silliemillie: wait what? i thought he just got juvy??

kmskeith: i guess the news didn't spread all the way to linden. carson and co didn't like that i got off scott free and decided to come after me and my boyfriend. he nearly killed us. he killed a cop trying to get to me. that was 7 months ago

silliemillie: holy shit keith. i knew they were crazy but damn.. bullying cyrin like they did was absolutely horrible and unforgivable. but to go out of your way to actually murder someone.. that's far even for them

silliemillie: and i know you just wanted to do what's right. i respect you that. it was really brave of you to defy carson like that. you told the police the entire truth even if it got you in trouble too. i have to thank you for that. they might have gotten off easier if it weren't for your statement

kmskeith: i don't deserve any gratitude

silliemillie: you risked everything to get justice for cyrin. who knows what carson would have done to you if he wasnt arrested and you had no idea what kind of charges you would have faced for fessing up to your part in it but you still told the truth anyway

silliemillie: actually we do know what carson would have done. he tried to kill you 7 months ago and he would've done it 4 years ago too. human life has no value to him. but it does to you. that's what makes you different

kmskeith: why are you trying so hard to be nice to me?

silliemillie: i'm not trying hard. it's easy because i want to. i've had 4 years to come to terms with what happened. i was angry with you for a while but then i thought some more. i remember how you never insulted us yourself, you only laughed along. you never hurt cyrin physically. you held me back while carson and seamus hurt him a couple times but after that i never saw you around them again and you started skipping biology class twice as much as usual. i read the statement you gave the police. you didnt want to do what you did. yes, you still did it. but i can forgive you for it. i will never forget how you tried to comfort me after the assembly. you hugged me and i could see the regret written on your face

kmskeith: i should have fought back and defended you guys. i could've done something

silliemillie: carson and seamus would have beat the shit out of you if they knew you so much as even thought about defending us and you know that. you were backed into a corner

kmskeith: i was a fucking coward

silliemillie: no you weren't. you were a kid doing everything he could do to survive an abusive relationship. i cant fault you for that. at least not now that i've had to heal and can think about this rationally now. i'm willing to bet carson hurt you just as much as he hurt cyrin

kmskeith:  he never hit me. he did try 1 time but that was only because i had said what we were doing to cyrin was wrong. so him taking a swing was to be expected, which is why i knew to dodge. and i actually made the first move, a threw a beer bottle at him but i missed

silliemillie: why are you defending him? nothing excuses what he did to you. 

silliemillie: and don't think i'm going to gloss over the fact you just said you stood up for cyrin. you did stand up for him and doing that almost cost you getting the shit beat out of you. you weren't a coward. your fear was rational

kmskeith: i'm not defending carson. i'm just explaining the circumstances. and i should have done a lot more to stand up for him then just saying it that 1 time. by then it was too late anyway. it was only 2 weeks before cyrin died

silliemillie: how far away do you live from linden now?

kmskeith: about 45 min. why?

silliemillie: do you want to meet up? if you're free that is

kmskeith: today?

silliemillie: yeah. it's as good a day as any. i can meet you in between if you don't want to drive this far

kmskeith: no i'll come to linden. i think i need to

silliemillie: i think you do too. and i think you need to do it today

4:23 pm

Keith pulled into the parking lot of Mountain Top Café in Linden, Cyrin's favorite hangout. He spotted Millie through the window, seated at the same small table she'd always shared with Cyrin back in freshman year. She looked different—her hair was now shoulder-length and its natural mousy brown, and she had lost weight. Keith hoped their bullying hadn't contributed to her weight loss but decided not to ask.

Millie noticed Keith and smiled as he entered. "Nice motorcycle."

"Thanks," Keith replied quietly, sitting down. "I like your new hair."

"It's not really new, but thank you."

An awkward silence followed until Millie spoke again. "What happened to your forehead? That scar looks pretty bad."

Keith chuckled, a hint of exasperation in his voice. "My boyfriend's crazy ex's even crazier girlfriend had their friend run me off the road. Long story."

Millie's eyes widened. "When did that happen?"

"A little over a year ago, at the start of senior year. Carson wasn't my first run-in with harassment and attempted murder," Keith said, looking down. "But we're here to talk about Cyrin, not me."

Millie nodded. "Cyrin loved it here. He always wanted to sit—"

"Right at this table. I know. I sometimes watched you guys. I was high and questioning if what we were doing was wrong. I thought maybe observing would help me figure it out. I never told Carson; he would have been furious."

Millie paused before speaking. "I didn't realize you were being hurt too. I was too blinded by anger."

Keith looked up. "I wasn't being hurt."

"Keith, you told me Carson manipulated you into getting so high that you didn't question him. That's abuse—both physical and emotional. He didn't hit you, but it still caused you bodily harm."

"Let's not talk about that," Keith said quietly. "We agreed we're here to talk about Cyrin."

Millie nodded. "Okay. I just want you to know I don't blame you for what happened. Maybe I did for a bit, but not now."

Another silence fell. Keith broke it. "Are we just going to sit here all day?"

"Well, I had an idea, but I don't know if you'd be up for it."

"What is it?"

Millie hesitated. "Do you want to visit Cyrin?"

Keith tensed. "I... Yes."

"Are you sure? We don't have to if you're not ready."

"I've been avoiding this for four years. I need to face it. Lance, my boyfriend, is a psychology major and thinks I need to face Cyrin for closure."

"I think he's right."

Keith took a deep breath. "It's now or never."

Millie shook her head. "He's not going anywhere. You can do this another day if you need to. I'll come with you then."

"No, I want to do it today."

Millie sighed. "Okay. I'll drive us."

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

Millie walked down the stone path of the cemetery, with Keith just behind her. She glanced back. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

Keith nodded. "Yes, I'm sure."

Millie sighed and led him to a simple gravestone.

"I was in rehab before the funeral. I always wanted to come, but couldn't bring myself to," Keith said as he stood beside her.

Millie took his hand. "I understand. I usually talk to him when I come here. Do you want to do that?"

"I—I don't know."

"It's okay if you don't. But if there's anything you've been wanting to say, I can give you some space. It can be awkward talking to a grave with people watching you."

Keith hesitated. "Please. I'd rather do this alone."

Millie smiled reassuringly. "I get it. I'll be over there," she pointed to a bench. "Take as long as you need."

Keith nodded, watching Millie walk away before turning back to the gravestone. He sat down in front of it, gathering his thoughts.

"So, um... Hi, Cyrin. I'm not sure how to start a conversation with someone who can't talk back, but here goes. I'm so, so sorry. You went through hell every day, and I was part of that. And—" Keith's voice faltered as tears welled up, "Now you're gone. When you died, I wanted to die too. I hate myself for what I did to you. But my therapist said I owe it to you to get better, to live a full life and make your death mean something. But honestly, my life doesn't give your death meaning. It just doesn't. Your death was so senseless. It shouldn't have happened. It wouldn't have if we hadn't pushed you to the edge. But I kept living, even if it changes nothing for you. You're still gone, and nothing can change that.

I guess your death did change me. That means something. Carson got arrested, so he can't hurt me anymore, at least for a while. I got sober, made friends who care about me, and fell in love. His name is Lance. Sometimes, he reminds me of you. I wish you could meet him. I think you'd be great friends. I think you and I could've been friends too if I wasn't so lost when I got to Linden. I wish I'd met you before Carson. I was going to be on the receiving end of his abuse either way. Maybe if I'd protected you instead of joining in the bullying, you'd still be here. There are so many things I wish I could change, but I can't. I have to make peace with that. I just hope, wherever you are, you've found peace too."

Keith reached into his pocket and pulled out a guitar pick on a broken string. "Carson stole this from you a week before you died. He pulled it right off your neck and gave it to me in a failed attempt to reconcile. I accepted it just to avoid violence. I meant to return it, but I missed my chance." He began digging a small hole in the dirt with his hands. "I've kept it all this time to remind myself of what I did." He placed the necklace in the hole and covered it with dirt. "It's time you got this back. And it's time for me to move on."

Standing up, Keith wiped away his tears, smearing dirt on his cheeks. "Goodbye, Cyrin. Maybe I'll bring my husband by to meet you someday. At least, I hope he's my husband by then." He looked over to the bench where Millie sat, waiting for him.

Millie smiled, her hair fluttering in the breeze. She stood and walked over to Keith. "Ready to go?"

Keith nodded. "Yeah. I'm done."

Millie hugged him tightly. "Something you should know about Cyrin—he never held a grudge. If you told him you're sorry and meant it, he forgave you."

Keith hugged her back, tears welling up again. "Can we come back here soon? Together?"

Millie nodded, still holding him close. "Yeah, I think Cyrin would like that."

The breeze picked up slightly, and a light rain began to fall, but they remained in their embrace, crying together in front of the grave.

Cyrin Letty
1999-2014
We will search for you in every song, every breeze, and every rainfall. Know that you are loved.