Zale

Astrea insisted that Fen and I should wait in line and bring our food while she saved us a table. The place was pretty crowded, mostly with people sitting while they waited for their food or taking up a huge table while they sat alone drinking from a small coffee cup, so I agreed. Besides, this way I got a minute alone with Fen.

"Sorry for not giving you any notice," I said. And I meant it. I sprang that dinner with my mother on him and then ambushed him with this. At least Fen appeared to know better than to get anxious about eating with Astrea.

That was another thing. Fen didn't know about her, and I wasn't sure I was allowed to tell him. I had sworn to keep her secret, after all. I hoped Astrea would loop him in soon, so I wouldn't have to call her the wrong name and use the wrong pronouns around him. It would be exhausting and would feel a bit too much like lying. The idea didn't sit right with me.

"It's okay," Fen said, and I could see that he meant it. "I'm glad to be included."

God, he was easy to please. I appreciated how easy it was to make Fen happy, but it also meant that it was too easy to take advantage of him. How many people had done it over the years?

We reached the front of the line and put in our orders. Fen tried to pay again, which was sweet but not happening. Maybe I'd let him pick up the tab next time, just to feel like he was contributing, but I still had too much to make up for and too much to explain to him. This was a small and easy way to start paying him back.

We moved down the counter to wait for our breakfast, and I realized while I leaned against it and Fen stood upright that he was probably better-mannered than I was in some regards. That would be a relief for my mother, who was eternally exasperated with me and who didn't really need another person to nag at.

"So, does Adras go to Ashen Oak because you teach there? Or do you teach there because that's where Adras goes?" Fen asked.

"I guess you could say he's there because I teach there, but he decided he wanted to go to school topside before he ever even knew I existed," I said. Fen looked confused, so I explained, "We didn't actually know about each other until earlier this year. My father isn't a part of my life."

"Oh. That must have been a hard adjustment," he said.

But I shook my head, because it really wasn't. "I thought it might be, but I think Adras has been good for me. Once he learned we were related, he sort of just... accepted me. And I like spending time with him. I always wanted siblings."

Of course, I'd mostly wanted them for practical reasons. Someone else for my mother to chase after and someone else to bear the burden of the throne. Even though Astrea couldn't fill either of those roles, I was still grateful to have her in my life.

"That's sweet," Fen said, sounding wistful. He caught my questioning gaze and said, "I never had siblings, either. Though that's probably a good thing. I think my parents realized they weren't cut out for child rearing with me."

It was another glimpse into parts of Fen's life I didn't know yet, and I wanted to ask more, but our food arrived. Fen and I each took a tray and carried them back to the window table Astrea had managed to nab. She was lounging across two chairs on one side of the table, and she raised a challenging eyebrow at me when I looked at her. I didn't really understand why until Fen and I sat down on the other side and she immediately sat up with a satisfied grin.

She'd been making sure he and I sat together.

Astrea passed out the food and had taken an enormous bite out of her breakfast sandwich before Fen or I had even finished settling in. She almost choked and had to pat her chest hard several times when Fen innocently asked, "How are you this morning, Adras?"

She visibly startled and looked to me with round eyes. "I thought you would have told him!" Astrea said to me, sounding upset.

"Of course not!" Why was she upset with me for this? I did the right thing.

"Oh my God. For future reference, you get to tell your freaking fiancé things, okay? I hate having this conversation."

Oh no.

I had screwed up. I knew I had screwed up, because no way was it fair to Fen that he learn about this after the fact, and from someone other than me. I'd been planning on talking to Fen about the idea of marriage, but not like this and not yet.

And, of course, Astrea had no idea of the impact of what she had just said. She was too hung up on having to explain to Fen that she was trans.

I dreaded seeing Fen's reaction, but hiding from it would only make damage control worse.

Why was I such an idiot? Why had I laid out all the pieces necessary for a mess like this to come about? Just because Fen had felt like a chore when he first came around, didn't mean he deserved this.

"Fiancé?" Fen asked, looking understandably perplexed.

"Betrothed, fiancé. Whatever," Astrea said. She had set her sandwich down and was looking anxious. "Look, Fen, you seem like a real rainbow-friendly guy, being with another man and all."

It was clear he wasn't really listening to Astrea, who was building up to her big reveal. I grabbed his hand under the table and squeezed it to get his attention, then nodded toward Astrea. I would apologize to him later for this, and for so many other things. For now, I needed him to pay attention to my sister. She wouldn't understand his distraction and might take it personally. This was hard enough for her already, and she didn't deserve that. It wasn't her fault I was an idiot.

Fen thankfully got the message and had a bigger heart than mine, because he gave Astrea his complete attention just in time.

"You should know that I'm transgender. I'm actually a girl, and my name is Astrea," she said.

"Oh, I'm sorry!" Fen said, clearly distressed. "I had no idea."

She snorted. "You're not supposed to." My heart ached at that, and I wished I could make it better for her. I didn't know her father well enough, though. I didn't really understand what the ramifications could be if she went against his wishes, so I couldn't push for her to do that.

Since I didn't want her to have to explain her situation, I jumped in. "Astrea isn't telling everyone yet. For now, we should only call her by her name in private."

"Okay, I can do that," Fen agreed. "I'm sorry, this must be hard for you," he said to her, and she nodded. The fact that she didn't say anything and instead started eating with little enthusiasm, showed how upset she was by the reminder she wasn't living as herself.

While Astrea was distracted and obviously not paying attention to us, Fen leaned over and whispered, "Fiancé?"

"Can we talk during lunch?" I asked. That wouldn't give us much time, but it was better than waiting until this afternoon.

"Okay," Fen agreed without argument, though his brow was furrowed and he was clearly bothered. Fen really was too easy on me, and I was grateful for it.

It didn't take long for Astrea to perk up, though I thought her cheer looked a little forced. Regardless, once she started really eating again instead of just picking at her food, Fen and I tucked into our own meals. It was maybe not the ideal outing, but despite that, there was something undeniably nice about having this little group together. It was a kind of moving on I hadn't expected. So recently, I had truly believed the best years of my life were already over. Harlow was gone and the throne was all I could see for my future. Now, I had siblings and a... a soulmate. Things were looking up.

--

My good mood from breakfast faded fast over the course of the morning. Today was a testing day, which meant my job was mostly to sit in the front of the classroom looking stern while my students sat and worked quietly. It was exactly the opposite of what I needed, which was a distraction. Instead, the minutes ticked by agonizingly slowly until the final bell before lunch rang and I suddenly wished the morning had dragged on even more, despite how dull it was.

The idea of going home and tucking myself away in bed instead of having what was undoubtedly going to be an uncomfortable conversation did occur to me, but that wouldn't solve anything. Better to just get this over with. I walked to Fen's classroom and we headed for the cafeteria with little conversation. He was, as ever, too patient with me and I, like usual, took advantage of the fact. We didn't get past small talk ("How are you?" and "How was your morning?" and "Could you pass me a pudding cup?") until we were back in the relative privacy of his classroom.

It occurred to me that we could be eating lunch anywhere Fen wanted to go, but he dragged a chair over for me to join him at his desk and I resigned myself to having this conversation in a high school classroom, eating average-quality food and surrounded by what looked like stacks of essays. It served me right.

Fen chewed at his lip and had a couple of false starts where he opened his mouth and shut it again without speaking. Finally, he said, "Fiancé?"

And, unlike this morning when he asked, I had to answer him. I set down my grilled cheese without taking a bite and said, "Yeah. I know I skipped a few steps-"

"You actually told your sister we're engaged? She wasn't just confused?"

I seriously debated whether Fen needed to know the whole truth before begrudgingly acknowledging that he did. "It's not just Astrea. When I found out I was your soulmate, I had my mother start taking the necessary steps for you to become my consort."

"Like what?" Fen asked. He definitely sounded upset, and he pushed away his mostly-untouched plate of food. I sure had a way of ruining people's meals with hard discussions.

"Like sending out announcements so our allies could get used to the idea. And there are treaties we have – mostly the one with the Fovorra – that can't be made official without authorization from my mother, myself, and my spouse. They needed to know I had found someone. The planning has begun for my coronation, too, and it would be best if you were coronated at the same time. It just made sense to start preparations."

Fen pushed back his chair with a loud scraping noise and strode to the windows. Since he was turned away from me, I had no idea how he was taking these revelations... but since Fen was usually mild and apt to take things in stride rather than leaving – and oh, no, was he breathing heavily? – I thought it was safe to say he was pretty upset.

I waited for him to calm down and come back so we could talk, but Fen still hadn't returned by the time there were only five minutes remaining in the lunch period. We couldn't leave it like this, and I really couldn't miss my next class. "Fen?"

He turned around and for the first time I could remember, he looked angry with me. "You did this weeks ago?" he asked. I nodded. "And you were planning on telling me when?"

"I don't know," I admitted. "When we knew each other better, I guess."

"You guess," he scoffed, and rolled his eyes. "Zale, you don't get to keep doing this." I opened my mouth to issue an overdue apology, but Fen wasn't done.

"I know you're a prince, and you're probably used to people going along with whatever you want without you ever explaining yourself at all, but I can't live like this. I keep telling myself you're just shutting me out while we get to know each other, and that's fine for most things. But not when they directly involve me. You were telling people we were engaged back when I still had no idea if you would ever even want to be with me. That's not being closed-off. It's a lack of basic respect and you should know better."

I always associated Fen lighting up with him being intensely happy, and it had always made me smile before. Now, his hair took on such a fierce shine that it was hard not to shield my eyes from the brightness, and his eyes glowed like he was possessed by a god or something. It was intimidating, and if I hadn't already been taking him seriously, this would have given me no choice.

"You're right."

My admission only seemed to make him angrier, but then the light faded away and Fen was left standing before me, shoulders drawn in and head bowed. He looked small and sad. "I know I must have seemed pathetic to you in the beginning, following you around and going along with whatever you wanted. Maybe I've been naïve to think you'd ever see me any other way."

If Fen had been trying to make me feel like trash, he was doing a remarkable job. "I'm sorry," I said, but it wasn't enough. Not if this was how I'd been making him feel. "I know you're not pathetic." He scoffed, so I repeated, "You aren't pathetic. You've got a huge heart, and I've been taking advantage of you because it was easier than getting close. I'm a selfish asshole. That's a problem with me, not with you."

The bell rang and we both looked toward the door, where there was a gaggle of students who weren't being subtle about their curiosity. They didn't even bother pretending they hadn't been staring through the glass.

"I have class. You should go," Fen said.

I didn't want to leave him like this, but if I was late to class then my next group of students wouldn't have long enough to complete their tests. "Okay. Let me take our trays, at least," I said. "And we'll talk later."

Fen reached for the trays before I could grab them. "I've got them."

He disappeared and, after a brief hesitation, I left. I knew when I'd been dismissed.