"I was so caught up with what I thought love was supposed to look like, that I didn't see how subtly it unfolded in front of me." My eyes drop to my fingers as they twist together. "I missed it. I hurt—failed— the one person who was prepared to give the relationship everything, and I've never forgave myself for that."

Robin sits across from me on the couch. It's almost 2:30 in the morning and I have recounted everything that happened with Levi from the very beginning. My mistakes, my lies, the breakup, how it blocked me for years following and made it difficult for me to tap into writing romance. How it led to the panic attacks that led me to him.

"That day in the hall, Levi told me he was married...and I felt so relieved. To know that he was happy with someone new, and didn't resent me like he did before... was everything I hoped for." I paused and Robin nodded, watching me with his full attention.

I breathed deeply and ran my hands over my face, "I thought the worst that could happen, if I ever ran into him again, was that he would hate me or even ignore me. I deserved that much. Expected it! But then he said something, and I realized..."

I drifted off unable to manage the feeling that came with the words Levi said to me.

She... wasn't my first choice.

My throat tightens, and I close my eyes, pressing my hands over my eyes. Forgetting Robin was in the room for a second, the words come from my mouth before I can stop them, "How am I supposed to take that?"

"He hadn't moved on?" Robin guesses.

I shake my head, "I don't know. I don't think he even knew. But he regretted saying it, and it became so painful and confusing for both of us at that moment. I just... lost it. Then I bumped into you, and I had all these fears that I was repeating the same cycle and it spiraled."

"You thought you would do the same thing to me?" Robin furrows his eyebrows, "That's why you went all: 'We're business partners, Robin. Nothing more?'"

"What if all this was just an excuse to indulge in another harmful fantasy? Then I'd be tricking you, and myself, into a false relationship. And after everything that happened between us..."

Catching the double meaning I had begun to ascribe to that expression, I make sure to rephrase, "After earning your trust and becoming friends...I felt like I had endangered our project by letting my actions cross professional boundaries. Pulling away from you seemed like the best answer until I could figure out what to do. I'm sorry."

Robin nods slowly, taking it in. He observes me for a moment and the look in his eyes tells me he knows there's more under the surface. Though, it doesn't seem he knows what it is. Silence pulls on us as he drags his hands through his hair, breaking eye contact to stare at the wall.

I had a choice to accept his past or quit, now It was his turn to choose. While he does this, I take my time appreciating more details about him. Today he wore a faded black tee-shirt and blue jeans, not the usual hoodie combo, which made me wonder if he left his house in the cold. There was a heaviness in his eyes, like if he held still for too long, he might fall asleep, and his fingers kept picking at the strings of the blanket next to him. His chest rises high and falls deeply with breath while he thinks. I note on the last exhale that, unbeknownst to him, he allows himself to sink deeper into the couch... and inch closer to me.

Just when I think he isn't going to stay, Robin shifts gears, and I realize I should've known better. He still has more questions. I shake my head knowingly, watching his eyes narrow slightly while he orders his thoughts.

Robin always had a knack for asking me questions. Especially the difficult kind.

Clearing his throat, Robin draws another big breath and says out to the room, "Where does the motel come in? You said you were confused and that we couldn't be the same way. That I--that we--couldn't touch."

He pauses for a second and tilts his head in my direction. Not wanting to fully meet my gaze, Robin looks at me from the corner of his eyes, "Is that because of what I did? Did I... confuse you? Because If I did, and you're bothered by it, then I should explain. I should explain anyway. I--"

Holding up my hand, I shake my head. Robin stops talking.

The temptation of hearing what was going through is mind that night is strong. I want to know what he would say... how he would explain why he had the urge to hold me close like that. Hear him confirm once more that he did it for himself, and not for the book. But I know whatever answer he gave would only make things harder moving forward.

I drop my hand when he waits, offering him a small smile in exchange, "You don't need to explain, Robin. I was confused by my own thoughts... As far as the touching goes, I was worried about your image. Touching me in public like that could have got you in a lot of trouble, and I didn't want to take any risks."

It's not the full truth, but I'm fine with it. Especially when I see how it eases his conscience. I didn't know what that moment in the motel meant to him, but I knew what it meant to me. And regardless of those feelings, I had firmly decided that our partnership was what was most important. No matter what I felt, or where this went, I didn't want to put that in danger again.

"I have a motto but lately I haven't stuck to it: Don't act, say, or do until you know it's true."

"Yeah...You might want to revise that one. You have done all three of those things multiple times since you met me... all without a single shred of factual knowledge to back you up." Robin points out ironically, but the smile he offers is sympathetic.

Rolling my eyes I smiled, "Yeah, well, you are the common denominator in that sequence of events. I make a plan, you show up, and everything goes to chaos."

He chuckles, looking at his hands where they rest in his lap, "Sorry about that."

I shake my head, "Don't be. Even my plans are a figment of imagination."

When he looks my way in question, I shrug, "If this has taught me anything, it's that I don't have to worry about fooling myself anymore. At least not with you. You are the one person I've never failed to be real with and you're the only person who pushes me to be totally honest with myself, even when it scares me."

"Is that a good thing?" Robin cringes, hesitant to ask. Then his face drops into an affronted look, and he adds, already minorly upset, "Are you saying I'm pushy?"

I laugh, then scrunch my face dramatically. "Weeelll.... No. But, you are kind of nosy."

His jaw drops, and he laughs out loud in disbelief.

My words fall apart as I laugh at the expression on his face. "It's just that you ask so many questions. Not even easy ones, like, all the difficult ones!"

Robin comes up off the couch, sitting erect as he looks completely betrayed by my confession, "Because I care!"

"Okay, okay. How about this? You ground me. Is that better?" Was my attempt at compromise, and he looks pacified enough to let me continue, "You are like... a disenchantment, I talk to you, and it sobers up all my whims and worries. I'm shown reality."

"So, instead of being nosy, now I'm disenchanting and a buzzkill?" He grimaced flatly, clearly taking my words to heart.

Chuckling, I shake my head at the pouty look on his face, "Okay, now you're willfully missing the point. I don't mean it like that—"

"No, it's fine." He pouts teasingly, forcing his lips into a complaining look to hide the smile lurking underneath, "Don't mind me. I'll just continue crushing your dreams with my reality-inducing presence over here."

"I mean..." How to say it? My words fail me again, and I sigh in equal parts amusement and frustration, "See, this is what I mean! You're sitting here, asking questions, and I can no longer think straight."

"Don't worry about it." He shrugs with a sigh of acceptance and sits back. Robin smiles at me upside down, "Sometimes there just isn't anything more to say. You're just being honest."

But I have more I want to say. It would be inarticulate and incoherent if I tried now, but I do want to explain it. He's the best thing that ever happened to me...and while he couldn't know that I was starting to feel that in multiple ways, I felt he at least deserved to know how I felt about him as my friend.

"You know the feeling you get, when you go on a trip somewhere amazing?" I try again, finding another angle to approach from.

He raises an eyebrow, saying to himself thoughtfully, "Do I want to risk getting my feelings hurt?"

I deadpan at his dramatics, unfolding my legs to push his thigh with my foot, "Just, answer the question."

"Yes," he replies, "I do."

"For me it's like a dream. The food tastes incredible, the colors are more intense, and everything around me feels as if it's light and airy. The rest of the world goes out of focus. It gets rosy and soft around the edges. And my heart is overwhelmed by how much I enjoy it, how breathtaking it all is. I can't imagine leaving a place like that. I want to stay there forever."

"So?" He draws out hopefully, leaning forward with an expectant look. "Is that how you feel about me?"

I shake my head, feeling too amused by his eagerness not to smile, "Uh, well, no. Not at all."

"And I regret it." He drops his head back against the couch in defeat. Raising his arms he folds them over his face and grumbles, "Just twist the knife, there, Leah."

"Hold on!" I laugh and tug one of his arms affectionately.

He lets it fall dramatically to his side. It lands with a limp thud right over the ankle I have tucked on the couch. I take his hand, pulling a bit to make him look at me. Robin makes a noise of annoyance, still hiding his face. It makes me laugh again, and I tug away his other arm, so he can't hide. "Listen, okay? There's a point and I promise it's good."

He huffed, staring at the ceiling for a long time, but conceded. When he looked at me (albeit a little contemptuously), I thanked him and continued, "But the longer you stay in that place the more you find things lose their luster."

This successfully captured his attention, and Robin perked up. Tilting his head, just a bit, I can see the annoyance in his eyes fade to interest. I hesitate only once. Then go on.

"The strange and exciting food, while good the first few times, starts to bother your stomach. The vivid colors start to blend and clash loudly, and they overstimulate more than overwhelm. And you miss the chipped paint of your bedroom walls and the familiar tile floor in your kitchen..."

He sees where I'm going with it, and Robin slowly sits up. He gazes at me like I'm the only thing in the room, listening more closely than ever. Only briefly did his eyes part from me, and it's to check where his hand was still sitting in the palm of mine. Robin flashes me an uncertain look at the contact. When I don't react, he relaxes.

Part of me hoped he would read between the lines and comprehend my growing feelings. That he would understand why my fear, my reaction, was so intense... and go easy on me. The other part was steadfast in hoping he remained oblivious, and we could stay this way forever.

Even with this paradox in mind, I resume, "And you sit there, in your hotel room, the one you paid insane amounts of money for, and for a moment you ask yourself how you could be so ungrateful. But you aren't ungrateful. You're just..."

"Homesick." He finishes, quietly.

Tears rose up my throat once again, I nodded slowly, "When the trip ends, you get on the plane—counting the hours until you're on the ground— waiting for a warm slice of pizza and your ancient couch."

A tear slips from my eye, and I wipe it quickly. It's followed by more, which I can't dry, because I'm focusing on not giving everything away...and the way he absorbs every word into his expression.

"Finally, you reach your door, and turn the key. And you realize that, as wonderful as it was to dream somewhere else for a while, it's an even greater feeling to have a place where you belong. A place where your dreams never go bad, and everything is familiar and real."

Now falling too heavily to ignore, I wipe my tears again and laugh awkwardly. These tearful heart to hearts were becoming too often an occurrence between us. And if he kept confronting me with my greatest fears... if he kept waiting to guide me through them...Well, then we would have many more of these moments.

"Thats you." My throat tightens and I smile despite its wobbliness, "That's what he I mean when I say you bring me back to reality."

"Well..." Robin speaks so gently it breaks my heart, and his eyes soften.

Slowly he leans forward and when he passes his thumb over my cheek to catch a tear before it rolls down my face, he smiles. "That's not so bad, then."

Scoffing incredulously at the understatement, I push him back playfully with my hand, "Yeah, you jerk. So quit whining."

He chuckles, but it's the way his eyes behold me that has every cell in my body tingling. I sniffled, tucking my face into my hands, "And stop looking at me like that. I'm already embarrassed enough as it is."

I think Robin is moving to get the tissues off the table when the couch cushion lifts. But when it dips closer to where I'm sitting, his hands tug me into his chest. He pulls a deep breath when I relax into him, pushing my face into the crook of his shoulder. His arms tighten around me, and he strokes my back in a calming motion.

"Can I do this kind of thing with you again?" He asks jokingly, but we both know he means it seriously.

"Yeah." I move my hands away from my face, and murmur against his shirt. "You can..." even when it's no longer easy.

When I shift to look at him, he relinquishes his hold, and we both stare at each other. Robin scans my eyes so deeply; I almost think he's reading every thought in my mind. Before I can process it, his hand cups the side of my face and the pad of his thumb grazes across my cheek tenderly. I take a deep breath at his touch, smiling self-consciously. That's when he leans forward and presses his lips to my forehead.

Everything stops when Robin kisses me. The moment I feel his lips against my skin it's like my bones evaporate, and I melt into it entirely. His hand glides gently down my face, until he's just lightly brushing my jawline between two fingers, and then he pulls away. I didn't realize my eyes had closed until he was tucking my hair behind my ear. They opened sleepily, to look at him.

Robin still had that tender expression on his face. His fingers moved absent mindedly along a strand of my hair and brushed my collarbone before dropping.

"I'm..." He swallowed something down, then spoke more clearly, "Thank you. Thank you for telling me. Even after I teased you."

I nodded, straightening so that some distance was between us again. Looking at my hands where they now sat in my lap, I whispered. "You're welcome."

Then, to make up for the heaviness, I roll my eyes, "But you can't repeat any of that. Ever."

He laughed under his breath, and crossed his heart, "I'll keep it here. Your secret's safe with me."

They always are. I want to say, but I play it off. "We'll see."

—-

Hello lovelies!!

Oh.my.gosh. I am tired ahahah!

I've been puppy sitting and let me tell ya— those little guys can take it out of you!!

I don't have much time to type out a message but I hope you all enjoyed the chapter (: I'll try and be more active on here soon!

With all my love,

e.g