I look down at the picture that is placed on my lap.

   It was Dan and I on our anniversary. Dan had his arm around my neck while mine was behind his back and we were both smiling. Obviously not being the most photogenic person in the world I was going to hide my face, but Dan told me to smile. So I did. And I think that this is one of the best pictures we have took together.

   God I miss that day. I miss all of the days with him.

   I can feel a tear run down my cheek. I watch as it falls and lands on the picture.

   Soon I am a sobbing mess. I hold the picture close to my heart and grip it tightly as I cry.

   I lay in Dan's bed as I cry, the fairylights twinkling behind me.

  I didn't have the guts to get rid of any of his stuff. So everything is in the same spot as it was before everything happened. His piano, the bed, the laptop, everything.

   5 years.

   It's been 5 years since Dan died and today is the 5th anniversary of his death. And after all this time I just can't seem to stop thinking of him and move on.

   I know that it's what I need to do, but I'm not ready to let go. Not yet.

  He's too important.

   Before I get too lost in my thoughts I hear the door bell ring. Groaning, I gently place the picture down on the bedside table and get out of the bed.

   When I get to the front door I slowly open it.

   "Hey Phil." Chris says.

   I close the door.

   "Phil, come on! It's been 5 years. Can we just talk?" I hear Chris say through the door. He knocks a couple more times. "Phil, please." I hear him beg.

   After a while of him knocking, ringing the door bell, and shouting for me, I've had enough. I open the door and face Chris.

   "Yes, Chris. It has been 5 years, and you know exactly why I'm not talking to you. If it wasn't for you," I say, pushing Chris a little bit. "Dan wouldn't be dead right now! So can you just go so I can mourn my boyfriend in peace!" I yell at him.

   Chris furrows his eyebrows, obvious that he's starting to get angry as well. He's tried to talk to me once before and that conversation went as well as this one is. Except that one ended a lot sooner than this one.

   The last one ended on me closing the door and then he left. But I guess today he's not going to just leave.

  But today is the day that Dan died. Can't he just leave me to mourn? Why does he have to come here today?

   "Oh yeah, because it's all my fault." He says, rolling his eyes.

   "Have you ever even thought about how if it wasn't for you making him sad-"

   "Shut up!" I yell loudly, cutting him off. Chris goes silent.

   I feel the tears at my eyes again, about to spill over. How dare he bring that up. God, I hate him so much.

   After a few moments of silence i decide to speak again. My voice drops to a whisper, "Just- go away." I look to my left, making sure not to make eye contact with him as the tears start to stream down my face.
  
    It's all your fault.

    Chris' eyes turn from angry to pity within seconds. He starts to move towards me, "Look Phil, I'm sorry. I shouldn't of said that." Chris places a hand on my shoulder. "Dan was my friend too."

   Immediately I push his hand away and then push him backwards. "Dan wasn't 'just a friend', and you know it! You ruined everything so can you just go!" 

   Chris stumbles backwards. But when he gains his balance again he stays in the same spot. Not moving.

   "I said go away!" I yell, pushing him once more. This time he falls to the ground.

    My face is burning from the yelling and the anger and the crying. I can feel a headache starting to form.

   I say one last thing before I close the door, "And don't ever come back." I say, then slamming the door in his face.

    Once the door closes I'm breathing heavily, staying in the same spot, and staring at the door.

    It's all your fault.

    It's all my fault.

    It's all your fault

    Yes. It is.

    I shake my head and clear my thoughts before walking back upstairs, still having some trouble breathing. I walk into Dan's room and wipe the tears at my eyes. Taking a deep, breath I try to calm myself down.

   I pick the picture back up and lay in Dan's bed.

   I miss him so much.

   I look at the picture, specifically at Dan. I've memorized every little detail about him. From the way he stands, to his dimple, to the signature Dan Howell smirk he has in almost all of his photos.

   If he were here today would he look the same? What would've possibly changed about him? He might've gotten a haircut? But I can't see him without his long fringe.

   Maybe he would have been more muscular?

   Who am I kidding? He always hated exercising.

   I chuckle at the thought of Dan ever going to the gym. He would come home complaining and just lay in his bed, exhausted.

   And I would laugh and probably make fun of him, because that's just how our relationship worked. But no matter how much I would make fun of him, I would always say that I loved him afterwards.

   Because no matter what happened, we would always end with an 'I love you.' Just so we know that even if we fight we would never stop loving eachother.

   Our last fight didn't end on an 'I love you.'

    It ended on, 'It's all your fault.'

   Those were the last words I ever heard Dan say.

   Those are the words I hear in my head on a daily basis. The words that haunt me.

   If I could see him one last time, I would just make sure it didn't end on those words because they hurt. It hurts so much knowing that Dan thought everything was my fault.

   I lay there in Dan's bed for what seems like forever, but in reality it probably has just been a couple of hours.
 
   Thinking about things is just all I seem to do lately. And it's always about Dan. I just can't get him out of my head.

   I look over to the bedside table at his clock.

   11:10 pm.

   I've always believed in these kinds of things ever since I was a kid. I would always try them out whether it was wishing upon a star, wishing wells, or just simply making a wish at 11:11.

    Not that it ever actually worked, but I would always try. That little spring of hope inside me that my wish just might actually come true.

    I watch as the clock turns to 11:11. Might as well.

    Sighing, I sit up in the bed. I look at the picture I still hold in my hand and look at Dan one last time before I close my eyes shut.

    I wish I could see Dan again. Just one last time.

   I let out a breath and slowly open my eyes.

   He's not here. Of course he isn't. What was I even thinking?

   Looking over to the clock I see it's 11:12. Did I miss the wishing time, or did it just change to that? I probably missed it.

   I really shouldn't be as disappointed as I am. Did I really think that withing at 11:11 was going to bring Dan back? God, I'm an idiot.

  I'm never going to see Dan again so I just need to accept it.

   I sigh and lay back down.

   Whatever. I'm going to bed.

   I close my eyes and slowly start to fall asleep. The only thing in my head, Dan.

* * *

AHH IM SO EXCITED FOR THIS BOOK.

Thank you so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed the first chapter!

I promise the chapters will become longer and more interesting as time goes on.

I plan to update every other Wednesday, because if you have read my other books, you know that writing long chapters takes a lot of energy and creativity out of me.

 (wow what a great author. she cant even write a normal chapter like everyone else can easily do)

Anyways thank you, again, for reading and I hope you have a great rest of your day

bye xx