1968
Two weeks before Ella's 18th birthday

"Missouri!" I screamed out as I held the letter from Heather in my hand. "Freddie what the hell do I do?" I cried as landed dramatically beside him on the bed.

As the years of me hating London continued I found that I loved at least one thing about it, Farrokh. Although I rarely call him that now. Nearly a year after we met I started calling him Freddie. He said he didn't want to have a true Zanzibar name. He longed to have a more "normal" name and I told him I thought he could pull off Freddie. I honestly loved Farrokh but he insisted on something better. He loved Freddie, although everyone else still calls him Farrokh.

"She's living her life Ella, you can't possibly be angry with her for accepting a scholarship to Missouri." I whipped my head around and looked at my best friend.

"Of course I can! We've had these plans for ten years! I turn eighteen in two weeks! I was supposed to go back to her and we were going to spend our lives happy in North Carolina!"

"Do you want to go back?" He asked while staring blankly at the ceiling.

"Not without her!" I cried out and this time my voice cracked. Freddie looked over at me and sat us up. He whipped the tears from my face as I sat in front of him.

"Darling you can't make plans at the ripe old age of eight and expect life to be okay with it. You are made for much more than North Carolina," he said while tucking my dark hair behind my ears and planting a kiss on my head.

"No. I was supposed to work here. Then turn eighteen and leave. That was the plan that was supposed to be it."

Freddie pulled me in and hugged me. I held on to him, the closest friend I have and now that Heather betrayed me, quite possibly the only one.

"I will always love you, dear. Am I enough?" He asked in a dramatic tone he used quite often.

I couldn't help but laugh at him. Freddie always made me laugh. It didn't matter what he said or did, that was just Freddie. His presence made me happy.

"Of course you are."

"So are still leaving?" He asked as he pulled back and looked at me.

"I don't know," I answered honestly. Then, as if it was just occurring to me for the first time, I looked at Freddie and realized I did not want to leave. I didn't want to leave him, or Al's, or my parents. I had been planning out a dream that wasn't even mine, but rather a small little girl who had only just now grown up.

"I don't want to leave," I said and a small grin grew on his face.

"I'd be lying if I said I wasn't happy when you read me that letter, love. I hate to be selfish but it's true. I don't want you to leave."

I hugged him again and this time I held on a moment longer. When I pulled back only did half way and Freddie looked at me in a different way. A way you don't look at a friend. When he leaned in I didn't stop him. The kiss was short and sweet. He pulled away and I pulled him back in and kissed him again. This time it was more passionate. He put his hands on my waist and pulled me into his lap. Finally, at the exact same time, we started laughing. We laughed so hard we both fell over, again laying side by side looked at my ceiling.

"Why are we even laughing?" I asked in between chuckles.

"Because we made out, love. And we are not meant to be together," he confessed and I couldn't have agreed more.

"You're right." We laid there for a minute just looking at the ceiling. It was white and my ceiling fan was a pale blue.

"You do know that was my first kiss, right?" I asked breaking the silence.

"It was mine too," he replied calmly. I turned and looked at him.

"Was I good?"

"I thought so, though I'm not sure if I'm a good source. I have nothing to compare it too nor do you." I laughed again and looked back up.

"It would be nice if we were a couple." This got his attention and he turned and looked at me.

"Why on earth do you say that?"

"I don't know, I mean we both love each other. Our parents adore us and I'm pretty sure your mom hopes I marry you," I said.

"Oh there is no doubt about that, love. She asks me all the time why we aren't together." I chuckled lightly and so did Freddie. His mother was one of my favorite people. I loved his entire family. His father was particularly fond of me as well. He's a hard character but with a soft heart.

"Is that why you kissed me? Because you were hoping there would be something?" I asked and I turned my head and looked at him.

"Maybe. I just knew I'd be a fool if I didn't. You're beautiful and I guess I just really wanted to kiss you," he responded honestly.
I smiled and leaned in and gently kissed him.

"What was that for?" He asked with a small laugh in the middle of his question.

"You're beautiful and I guess I just really wanted to kiss you," I said with a silly grin. Freddie rolled his eyes and sat up.

"I should probably head home. Mother cooked for us l. If you'd like to come eat with us you're always welcome."

"I'll pass tonight, I'm going to write Heather back. I think I'm going to tell her goodbye."

"Goodbye?" He questioned.

"Yeah. We aren't kids anymore. I think it's time we stopped this writing back and forth constantly. She's moving and I'm moving on. It's time we grew up," I explained and Freddie's face grew sad.

"I'm sorry, darling," he said hugging me.

"Don't be," I started. "It's my decision Freddie." I pulled back and pecked him on the lips once again.

"Is this going to be a habit of ours now?" He asked referring to the kiss.

"Why not?" I laughed. "We both know it doesn't mean anything more than just a friendly kiss. And hey, maybe we can practice on each other," I said with a wink and he rolled his eyes before dramatically grabbing my waist and dipping me and planting yet another kiss on my lips.

He pulled back and looked at me. "Better?" He asked.

"Oh yes my love that was fabulous," I said mimicking his eccentric tone and accent. He laughed at my impersonation and pulled me back up.

"I'll see you tomorrow for lunch," he said grabbing his jacket.

"Bye, love you."

"Love you too," he replied and then he was gone.

I walked around my bed and put on Jimi Hendrix record. As I listened I thought about what I was going to say to Heather. I sat down and began writing. I must have written five letters before I was about to give up. I didn't know how to make my last letter to her perfect. So instead of trying to make it perfect, I made it honest.

Dearest Heather,

I'm proud of you. I know you must really want to go, or you wouldn't have even dared to apply. I'm proud of you, more than you'll ever know. I'm sure you were expecting a different reaction. Well, my initial one wasn't quite so selfless. But I know that in two weeks, I would have happily packed my bags and gotten on a plane just to land and realize it was a mistake. I don't hate London, I actually enjoy it. I love my job at the record store and my weekly dinners on Tuesdays with Freddie's family. I love my life here, I just didn't know it. I think it's time we lived our own lives. And by that, I mean I think we should stop writing each other. Now, this doesn't mean I don't want you to write and tell me if you fall in love or I don't want you to send me a graduation invitation. I still love you and I want to be a part of your life. But I think it's time we made different lives. Our own lives. You mean so much to me, Heather. I wish you the very best. Always will.

Love always,
Ella Kay Vanderwaal

And then with a wax seal and a tear drop, I mailed my last letter to Heather.

She responded one week later.

Dear best friend,

You are beautiful in ways you can't even see yet. Go find yourself. You will always be my best friend. Don't let Freddie go, he's one of the good ones. Take care my dear, dear Ella.

You are destined for greatness.

Love forever,
Heather

There was something relieving and heartbreaking about reading that letter. Like I was letting a part of me go. It hurt to let ten years worth of dreams walk out the door, but in the same breath, it felt like I was letting go of someone I never was. And now I could reinvent myself entirely. And become who I am, who I want to be, and who I was born to be.