So, something you guys may or may not know, is that I'm an empath, someone who feels and/or senses and in my case, personalities.

As you may also know, I'm part of the AHSA Commandos track team.
This past season was my second year of track, and as a writer, I've been thinking a lot about the dinamic between the members of the team, and just about the team in general, and I want to share some of my findings with you, and I'm going to try to describe what track's like for meas an emapth.

There are many things I want to write down, and I seem to be struggling with words, but I'll do my best.

Some of this might be kind of confusing, because I'm in a Philosophical moode, and I'm kind of depressed (for reasons that we will see), so, sorry if this is all weird.

Track makes me feel conected to other people.
It makes me feel like I'm part of something bigger than myself, while also making me feel apreciated.
The Commandos are like a family that accepts you, no mater who you are or what you're like.

It's strange really; I feel like a go-between, a walker of two worlds.
As an empaths, I can feel what's going on differently that normal people.
I can not only see this invisible string of loyality we all have to each other, but I can also feel it and its effects.

Think of it like an ice-berg; some of it is above water, but most of it goes on deeper, hidden by waves.
What most people see, is a group of teens and pre-teens, ranging in ages, teasing and encouraging one another.
The middel section is the faith that ties us together, both in God (most of us are Christians, and so forth), and in each other.
The lowest point of the ince-berg, the part that most people eithe barely notice, or only see but don't feel, is a strong bond that we all have to our teammates, an unspoken oath that we all hold, consciously or unconsciously.

It is easy to over look the importance of this bond, if you are an outsider.
But we all have our place.
We have our flaws and struggles, like anyone else.
But that's exactly why this bond of brotherly love is is special.
We're the first to come to the ade of a friend, and the last to leave a job unfinished.
We all trust each other, and we'd go down with our brothers and sisters proving it.

A stronger oath of loyality, I doubt you'd ever find.
This is the kind of fellowship you just can't make up, the kind that just can't be fully described with words.

It's been three months since the season ended (it only lasts like three months), but if feels like twenty years.

It felt like that last years too, but even more so this year; every year, my empathetic abilities grow, and my ADHD might also have something to do with this.

I met some of the most amazing people I know at track; my new crush (I won't tell you his name, but I'll just call him T.) , my "friend" Carson (he's like an older brother, even though we're not related at all; he's, he's, yeah, I wanna strangle him sometimes, but I could never bring myself to hate him, even if I tried), and my best friends aside from my cousins,
Neva and Cecilia.

I want to talk for a second about what I like about T.
When I first meet people, I don't know everything about their personalities all at once.
It's a slow process, depending on who you are, and once we get to the point where I tell that person that I'm an empath, that first impression is either lost, or no longer reliable, due to coruption, for one reason or another.

It's never just looks for me.
T.'s only like, my third or second crush ever.
The reason: I focus on personality.
One of the things I first liked about him, was his sense of humor.
But he's not just funny.
He's kind and friendly -despite the fact that he tends to be an introvert, at least at first- , and caring, smart, and loyal.
And humble.
He's the kind of person who could be the most charming person ever, and never even once, think of himself that way.

He IS good-looking, but that's not the only thing I like about him.

At the last track meet, he asked me if I was coming next year, and my answer was an enthusiastic, "YES I'M COMING NEXT YEAR!"
I didn't say that the Commandos changed my life, because I though it would sound like a stretch, so instead I said, "The Commandos has really built on my personality", which it has, but that's putting it mildly.

He was able to say it much better.
I quote:
"This has been amazing; I've met all the great people, I've met you and Neva, I'm so coming back next year."

I didn't say that track changed my life, but it really HAS.
It's taught me more about friendship (something that I already valued) and about teamwork.
I've grown as a person since the very first day I joined the team, and I've learned so much.

And now, especially without T., I feel out of place.
I'm weird for a person, even for a homeschooler.
I'm intellectually mature for someone my age, maybe even for absolutely anyone.
I'm unsual for an empath as well; for what I can tell, most other empaths see their empathetic readings (as I call them) as something to avoid, they see them as a problem.
Not me; I use my readings to better unstand people, to help people, so that I can do what my family and my sibblings need me to.
This is what I am.
I'm an empath.
Why not use it?

Sometimes, I have no idea what my younger sibblings want of me.
They're younger, so that has quite a deal to do with it, but even John, who's only a year younger than me, isn't much better.
Unlike me, they never try seeing things from other people's perspectives.
I've made it my priority to help them -as much as an older sister can help, without being a wet blanket, or acting like a mom, and doing things she shouldn't things, she has no place to do- mature, and to be there whenever they may need me.
But, that priority is virtually unknown to them.
Pretty much all of them at this point, seem to be in it for themselves.

Maybe I'm exagerating, maybe that's just me, maybe I just can't read my own brothers as well as other people due to confirmation bias.
Or, maybe it's just harder to read younger guys.

But either way, I have a rough time understanding them, and even though my relationship with my parents is much better than it is for most people- thank God-, they don't always understand me and my increasing empathy.

When it seems like nothing else works for me, when it's just me against the world, track is always the one thing I'm still good at.
And now, the season's done.

I miss it.

I miss me, Neva, and Celia's playful joking.

I miss Coach's Starwars quotes.
I miss the days he'd force us to run up the blechers.

I even miss Carson's annoying teasing.

But most of all, I miss T.'s bright smile.
I miss the way his eyes shone golden in the sunlight.
I miss the way he danced to 70's music, and the way he laughed, and the way his voice made me think that everything would be alright, even when I felt useless.

*Sighs*

Alright.
That's what I've been thinking about whenever I find myself alone late at night.
Maybe I'll get over this later, now that I've written about it here.

Anyway, uh, tomarow's actually my birthday, lol, so uh, yeah.

I hop you all were able to *somewhat* understand this, that it wasn't too long for you, and that it didn't bring you down.

Hope you have a good day!

Renx out!