Mudan

I was going to hold back, but my mouth moved on it's own, like I was compelled to tell the truth. "The Renge's allies are the Sumire, Penun, Shan and Yue Clan. The Ajisai are enemies of the Renge, as well as their allies. It has been that way ever since the rejuvenation period after the Day of Bleeding Sun. Differences in governance of power. Rivalries. Renge goes right, Ajisai goes left."

I looked at Hana incredulously. "Why is this chair making me say things? I wasn't going to tell you that straight away!" I screamed.

"I know. You want something in exchange for information, but we'll get to that later. I will repay you I promise, but this is what's necessary."

Fear burned in my chest. What if they were just using me? What if all of this "second chances" nonsense was just a ploy to get me to spill everything so they could kill me later?

I looked at Hana seriously. "You can't throw me away after I tell you all you need to know. You have to promise!"

"I told you I promise," she looked slightly offended. But I didn't care, how was I supposed to trust people I barely knew?

"I need the coordinates of all the Renge temples left and their numbers. Then, I'm going to need you to tell me about your Master."

"There are three other Renge temples aside from the Sueyin you destroyed. Penyin is the one I ran away from. I don't know about the others. They are smaller temples under our main one. Master Yei is who governs the entire Clan and his senior Young Masters govern the smaller temples. I don't have the exact coordinates of the Penyin temple, only the Clan lady and Old Master know where it is. Well, only Old Master knows where it is now.

"Everyone else travels back to it from memory."

No one was taking notes. Which meant someone else had to be listening in.

"And your Master?" Bavejo pressed.

I took a deep, uncomfortable breath. It didn't even feel like I could lie. "I'm sure by now you know he's my father. He became the Old Master and the highest head of the Clan system before I was born. He's the most powerful piece who moves everyone around and after the fall of our Sueyin temple and my mother's betrayal, he barely trusts anyone."

"And what about that man with the eyepatch? What is his relation to the Renge? What do you think his motives could be?"

"Kai...used to be one of us. He was one of the highest ranked at our Clan. I can't say his betrayal is surprising. He had lots of grudges against Old Master. He managed appear fiercely loyal, especially after the fall of the Sueyin temple. I don't know what his next steps could be, but I know he's unpredictable, and dangerous.

"He'll kill anyone who gets in his way. He hates the governments with all his heart, if anyone is going to throw the entire world into war, it is him. And with the Ajisai as his ally, that is very much possible."

Hana nodded, closing her eyes. Was she communicating with someone? I turned to Bavejo, who was looking at me coldly. What was his deal?

"Was what I told you even enough for you to do anything?"

"It's enough," he said curtly. "This is only the beginning."

An ominous feeling seeped into me. Hana returned to this world, giving me a short smile.

"We actually knew all those things, Mudan. This was just a test to see your cooperation."

I scoffed. Some kind of test this was. "This doesn't make you any more trustworthy to me."

"We did the same thing to Milo, Mila and Senji. But the difference between them is and you, with you, we actually have a chance at finding the location of the Renge temple. Your mind is untainted as you know your Master did not spend lots of time damaging it. We might have restored the others memories, but with you the picture is clearer. Sharper. Like we were actually there."

I was thrown off by the use of Shen and the twins real names. I didn't know if they would claim it back. My mind only registered the rest of her words after.

"Finding the location of the temple?" I repeated incredulously. "And then you'll do what?"

I was terrified for the answer. And by Bavejo's callous stare I predicted it wouldn't be anything good.

"What do you think?" He asked crudely. "We're going to destroy it and kill your Master."

"What?" I gasped, looking around helplessly. This couldn't be real. Not this, not again.

The flashbacks of Sueyin falling hit harshly, and all at once. My breathing felt tight as I remembered the explosions, the flames that ate every corner of the temple, and those caught in the crossfire.

I saw my best friend lying motionless as he bled out on the floor, the life slowly seeping from him.

"No!" I screamed. "Not again. I won't let you hurt anyone ever again!"

Bavejo stood up and leaned toward me with a glare. Hana just watched calmly. These people had to be sick. "You're defending them?" He snapped. "Those people ruined your life! They mistreated you and killed the people you loved most. And you're defending them?"

"You know who also killed someone I loved?" I yelled in his face. "You people. You killed my best friend. Go after my father, I don't care. But save the kids. They don't deserve the fate they've been damned to."

"We can't save them," Hana told me. "They're killers. Agents of an Order that must fall. You have to understand, Mudan."

Understand? How could I possibly understand? The kids who died at Sueyin were unsuspecting. They had no clue what they were being killed for.
They didn't know why their lives were coming to an end.

"You found out Shen and the twins were innocent," I said, my voice trembling as I tried to keep my emotions at bay. "You found out their pasts were fabricated, that their lives were stolen from them. This could be true for all the other Renge. And yet you want to kill them? What kind of fucked up logic is that?!"

"Your assailants are by no means innocent," Bavejo corrected snarkily. I was so sick of him. "Just because we discovered their pasts, doesn't erase the awful things they did."

"But they did those things on Old Master's orders!"

"They still did it. We gave them a chance because they ended up in our hands. Same with you. We can't do the same for the others in your Order. It wouldn't be allowed," Hana said. "We are doing the world a favour."

I was stunned into silence. Why did this feel so unfair? So cruel? We were the lucky ones?

I sighed in defeat, biting on my tongue
By their tones I could tell this was final. "I lived through your first raid. Some of those people you call Clan scum are only kids. Some of them aren't killers yet. You aren't doing the world a favour by killing children, you're just being a monster."

"The ends justify the means."

"No it doesn't!" I snapped, my eyes started to tear. "You're not any better than Old Master then. You're still damning people to a fate they can't control!"

Hana sighed, as if all of this was an inconvenience. As if I was losing my mind over nothing. It drove me insane, my instincts to run felt as though they were catching aflame. This couldn't
be right. It couldn't.

Do Shen and the others know about
this?

That was the million dollar question. If they didn't, I would have to tell them. And there was no way this news would be taken easily.

"This is the price of your safety, Mudan. We're keeping you safe from the Clans and the authorities all for this sacrifice. As a Moon Ranger nothing is easy,
there is always a sacrifice to be made. In time you will learn that that sacrifice is necessary to create a safer world."

I might've not been a Renge anymore, but I wasn't a Moon Ranger either. They knew I didn't fit in here, I could see it on their faces. But that was what I had to change. I needed them to think I was like them.

"Fine," I pretended to give in. "Fine, I'll do whatever you want."

Hana smiled. She must have been soulless. "And there will be a reward for your cooperation."

I nearly rolled my eyes. "Oh yeah? Like what?"

"I'll tell you about your mother."

My anger hit a block as her words sunk in. "W-What?"

Hana nodded surely. "Anything you want to know, I will tell you. I'll come to find you when I finish my work, in the meantime, get back to your room."

***

The walk back to my dorm room was incredibly awkward with Furn escorting me. He was overly talkative, and he must have thought we were friends.

"You're probably scarred after that experience with the Chair of Truth, its not actually called that but that's what we called it as trainees," he rambled on, smiling as if he enjoyed the sound of his own voice. "Trust me, it will be smooth sailings from here on out. I'll fetch you and show you the Dome tomorrow."

"The Dome?" I asked annoyedly. I was feeding into his conversation against my will. I wanted it to stop but knew if I kept quiet he would pester me.

"It's where Rangers train," Furn said, then conceitedly added, "to kill people like you."

I paused infront of my door and glared at him. "You feel proud saying things like that, huh?"

"Maybe I just wanna see your reaction," he said with a laugh. What the Hell?

"You're a moron. Why don't you get lost?"

"Is there really something wrong with that?" He asked lightly, being purposefully obtuse. "I mean, even you think they deserve death. That's why you ran, right? You're not like them."

"Shut up," I demanded, making his smile grow.

So he wasn't taking me seriously then?

I conjured cold air in my hand, putting it on his chest. Furn raised an eyebrow at me, his smile fading as he felt the coldness under his skin intensify. I knew it was starting to hurt. He shoved my hand off, stumbling back.

"What the Hell?! Are you batshit?"

"Just because I'm not a Renge, doesn't mean I won't kill you," I hissed, opening my door. "So watch your back."

I closed the door behind me, feeling proud of myself. It was a small feeling that vied the intense emotions that gathered after hearing the Rangers plan. But it was quickly squashed when I found my room empty.

Chu was nowhere in sight. But Shen was.

I froze in my skin, feeling my heartbeat jump as he sat on my bed, waiting.  His eyes were weak and tired, yearning for a good rest. He was dressed in a long grey shirt and loose trousers, his hair unkemptly tied, loose strands hanging on the sides of his face.

He stood up, turning toward me. A part of me thought he would attack me, out of habit. But Shen appeared meek, tired and even weak. My stomach sank as I remembered I hadn't see him in so long. Not the real him anyway.

"You're here," I said, not really knowing what to say.

"Can we talk, please?" He asked softly.

It felt like tears would burst from my eyes again. This was Shen. The Shen I barely got to know because he was so often ripped away from me. I lurched forward and hugged him, tightly grasping the fabric of his shirt.

I laid my head on his shoulder, tears pricking my eyes. "I'm so glad you're okay. I-I didn't know if you would ever talk to me again."

I pulled away when I didn't feel his arms wrap around me. I frowned, my heart beating faster at the grim look on his face. "Is something wrong?"

Shen frowned, his eyes glossing over. "What isn't, Mudan?"

How dense was I. This was the first time I faced Shen after he found out his life was a lie. Of course everything was wrong.

"I'm sorry. That was stupid of me to ask," I moved away from him. I was too fast. "How have you been coping?"

"I haven't," he bluntly replied. "But I've had a lot of time to think. And reflect on everything that's happened. I discovered lots of things that make me feel ashamed and sad."

He took my hand, softly rubbing onto my palm. I was scared for my life for what would come next.

"You must think I blame you for what happened." He let out a sorrowful laugh. "I don't. I only blame that monster. That man who ruined our lives. I don't blame you, Mudan."

That was a good thing. But why did I feel so afraid?

"Why did you stay away from me then?" I softly asked.

A tear rolled down his face. "Because I hate myself. I hate myself so much."

I wasn't prepared for that. "But why? You're the victim here, Shen. What happened isn't your fault. Your family's death, your kidnapping...nothing is your fault. It's Old Master's."

Shen's face was drenched with tears, his eyes on the ground as he hung his head. "When I think of all the things I've done for that man. All the people I've hurt and crossed for his approval, I feel sick. I did all that for a man who ruined my life. Things I can never take back.

"I hurt you, Mudan. Out of everyone I hurt you the most. I was deliberate. I meant all I did because I wanted him to love me. I wanted him to see me as his son. He didn't ruin me. I did."

My words felt choked in my throat, the memories he brought up making my bones nauseous. "You did hurt me, Shen. But I forgave you for all those things. I no longer hold them against you. And stop blaming yours–"

"You may have forgiven me, but I haven't forgiven myself." He interrupted me between sobs. "That's the thing, Mudan. You forgave me so easily. How could you do that? How could you forgive me after all I've done?"

I blinked tears away, feeling a familiar fear dawning on me. Shen was spiralling and I didn't know what to do.

"I forgave you because hating you made me sick. If I didn't forgive you I wouldn't have grown to care about you. I forgave you because you deserved it, Shen."

"No I didn't!" He laughed hysterically. "I was not worthy of being forgiven at all! I apologized once after ruining your life for months. I took your opportunities. I lied, I double-crossed you. And you forgave me? That's not normal!"

"Why are you bringing this up? I don't understand?" I cried.

"Because this has to end," he weeped. "We can't do this anymore, Mudan. We shouldn't. Its not fair unto you."

Was he saying he no longer cared for me?

"Please don't make hasty decisions–"

"I got all my memories back. And when I saw the relationship my parents had, I realized I am nothing like my father. He cherished my mother like a jewel. He cared for her like she was a queen. I have more in common with Old Master. We both ruined the lives of the women we love."

I ripped my hand from his, feeling my anger spike. "Don't compare yourself to him. You're nothing like him!"

"I'm exactly like him!" Shen screamed, flattening my hopes. "We are both ruined people, Mudan. I hurt you and you forgive me, over and over again. I don't want a love like that. I don't want that to be our story. So this has to end.

"You will grow to be a woman I will never deserve. And things will be better that way. You will meet someone worthy of you and–"

"Shut up!" I bursted out. "I don't want to hear it. If this is how you want it to be, then end it. But don't give me that. Old Master has won yet again. We're away from him and yet he is managing to keep us separated. We are letting him win, again."

Shen sighed, wiping his cheeks with the back of his hands. "This isn't about Old Master anymore. It's about me and you. It's about how ill-fated we are. How we are always on opposing sides. How we are never meant to be. I am not the man for you, Mudan. I am someone who cannot forgive himself.

"I'm a broken, worthless shell of a man who you don't deserve to suffer through. So I'll stay away from you till I can show you I can change."

I had heard enough. It already felt like I was being abandoned, that hollow feeling in my chest spreading. I couldn't wait till he left so I could sob into my pillow.

"We need to heal, Mudan." Shen stepped closer, holding my face in his hands. So delicately, like I was porcelain. This hurt so bad. "I don't want you to love this version of me. I want to be someone you can be proud of loving."

"Until then...we should keep our distance from each other."

I am going to fucking cry.

He leaned in, pecking a small kiss on my lips. It was fleeting, like my happiness in that moment.

"I love you," he whispered. Liar. "I always have. And I always will."

I wanted to say it back. But my words were in my throat, knowing that if I opened my mouth I would sob. I stood there wordlessly as Shen left the room, the silence thereafter consuming me as soon as I was alone.

I dropped to the floor, releasing the worst sobs from my chest and into my hands. After everything, I was still not allowed to be happy.

I lost my mother. I lost Dong. And now, I lost Shen.

***

A/N: Well...I've got no words for this :3