Mudan

As memories seemed to flood back to me everytime I closed my eyes, my desperation to get away worsened.

So I did what I had to do. I awoke early that morning, mainly because I needed to slip out without Hassan or his mother seeing me.

The sun had barely risen, the sky left bruised with purple-blue splotches and faint stars as the sun started to come out of hiding.

I felt a pang of guilt as I rummaged through the drawers of the guest room, searching for anything useful, like a weapon maybe, or a map. It was a stretch for an ordinary household, but I had to try.

That's when I came across a bundle of Doil notes shoved in a sock. I instantly shoved it in my bralette with the rest of my stolen cash.

A terrible feeling churned in my stomach. What was I doing? Was I really going to steal, after everything Hassan did for me last night?

I shut my eyes in frustration and forced myself to put the money back. I had to be better than that. I would not hurt the people who were good to me, only those who crossed me deserved my carelessness.

Hassan had been good to me, like Meilin and Mr Pei had been. Nine Hells, they felt so far away. I could never repay them for the home they gave me, even if it was temporary.

When I was finished making the bed, I heard an odd commotion inside. I frowned and slowly neared the door. I was sure Hassan and his mother were still asleep.

The door flew open and hit me in the face.

I held my nose as a hot, throbbing pain concentrated inside it and moved back from the hit. My body froze, going hot and cold in a matter of seconds. I couldn't believe my eyes.

"Did you honestly think I wouldn't make you regret this?" Shen seethed, while holding a dagger to Han's throat. His brown skin resembled a sheet of pale paper as beads of sweat rolled down his face. His eyes darted to me in fear. "You never learn, do you, Little Bird?"

I was so stupid. I overstayed my visit, now I was in a situation that was a bitch to get out of.

This is exactly what I didn't want to happen.

"Shen, don't," I stepped forward, but Shen thrusted the dagger out at me, making me stay put.

"Come near me and I'll slit his fucking throat."

The venom in his tone was indescribable. I really had pushed him this time. I had never seen Shen so maddened, so...unstable-looking.

"Don't hurt him," I pleaded, trying to stay within the lines. "Please, he's done nothing. Your quarrel lies with me, not these civilians."

"You have no right to ask me anything," he said, before smiling down at Hassan. "What sob story did she spin you? And why would you believe her?"

"Yang, what is going on here?" Hassan asked me, his voice shivering. "Who are you people?!"

Frustration pooled in my veins and my heart raced uncontrollably. I couldn't let Hassan die here because of me. He helped me selflessly, even going as far to extend his house to me and offering to report my non-existent case to the magistrate.

Letting Shen kill him would be heinous of me, and would earn me a special spot in the Nine Hells.

Like you weren't going there anyway.

"Oh, Yang?" Shen laughed humorlessly. "We're back to that again, don't you get tired of being made a fool of, Mudan?"

I stared at Shen, my words threatening to tumble from my lips as threats. "I'll come with you. Just leave these people alone. I'm begging you. They've done nothing."

"You never had a choice." Shen shoved Hassan to the wall and a web flew from his palm, sticking him against it. Webs spiralled from his other hand as well, locking my wrists and ankles together once again.

The action had been so sudden that I was unable to hold my balance and face-planted into the carpet. My head spun around and I groaned at the discomfort.

Shen strolled toward me, playing with the dagger in his hand. He bent down beside me and there was hell in his eyes.

"I hate you so much," he spat. "I can't wait till this is over and I get to watch your body burn to a crisp."

"You got what you wanted, I'm binded. Let's just leave." I didn't want Hassan to see anymore of this. He was paralyzed by fear, his eyes only taking everything in.

I looked at him in shame and regret. I should've never bothered him, his house seemed peaceful before I, like a fucking omen, came and turned it all upside down.

"No," Shen hissed. "I'm sick of this. I'm sick of you. Let this be a lesson for the next time you try to be smart and escape me."

Something slipped from his sleeve and into his hand. I saw a flash of the familiar little thing. A poison dart. My heart raced in a panic, and I wanted to scream and beg, but I knew nothing I said would make anything right.

Shen was livid.

I remembered screaming for him to not do it, but it was too late. With masterful aim, Shen sent the dart flying into Hassan's neck. That dart was filled with whatever venom Shen pumped it full of.

I watched as Hassan slackened against the wall, everything shut down, it was like watching a flower die slowly. The only thing keeping him up was Shen's web.

The tears tumbled from my eyes and down my cheek, feeling like ice as my skin heated up in anger. I let out a maddened shriek and struggled on the floor as his webs set my skin ablaze with pain.

"Shame," he said mockingly. "You must have thought you were so close to freedom."

Shen pulled me up by my hair. I spat in his face the second I faced him. "I hope you burn in every one of the Nine Hells! He did nothing to deserve that! I fucking hate you, I wish you would just fucking kill me already! I'm so sick of living while looking at your stupid face, god you make me sick!"

Shen wiped my saliva from his cheek. "I'm just teaching you a lesson, Mudan. He's dead because of you, because you ruin everything and everyone around you. You make everyone around you want to die. Look, even your own mother couldn't stand you anymore and went to get herself killed."

I couldn't stand myself anymore, I couldn't stand looking at Hassan. His mother was wheelchair bound, who would take care of her? I ruined an innocent man's life by just knocking on his door. I was as poisonous as the venom in that dart.

My destructive thoughts were cut off abruptly as Shen plunged the same dagger that traced Hassan's neck into my stomach. Yet again, I lost feeling in every muscle, bone and element in my body.

All I could think was, I was so close. So close to getting away.

Then, there was darkness.

***

My body felt weirdly numb.

I stirred in my seat. I found my head leaning against a window, a dark green forest blurring past me. Where the hell was I?

I craned my neck to see where I was. There was a driver at the front of the carriage I was in. Shen sat beside me, his nose in a newspaper. My blood instantly boiled at the sight of him, my memory flooding back like a devastating wave.

The pain and guilt choked my windpipe and anger rose up to my head. He was just sitting there, like he hadn't just ruined someone's life. Someone who didn't deserve it.

He could do everything to me, I wouldn't care. But why did he have to hurt Hassan?

I picked up my feet and drove my heels through the newspaper, hitting him in the face. He groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose before glaring at me.

"There goes my peace and quiet," he said, sighing annoyedly.

"I can't believe you killed him," I said, my voice small and heavy with disappointment.

"Am I or am I not an assassin," his tone was mocking, almost playful. He couldn't be serious.

"Civilians don't count as fucking targets!" I bellowed from the depths of my throat. I was about to kick him again when Shen reached for his double-edged sword and placed it at my throat, pinning my head back.

"Civilians don't count as targets, you say?" He said cockily, raising an eyebrow. "Funnily enough, I remember that maid you killed being a civilian. And what about those gangsters back in Pansa?"

Anger surged through my bones like electricity. I knew he was right, and I couldn't hide how my face fell. So I guess that maid really did choke to death.

"You even killed Yura," he said slowly, letting his words hang in the air. "If anyone's a destructive monster, it's you. Oh and don't get me started on what Kai wants to do to you. You better hope he developed a kind heart towards you when we finally see him. Which will be soon."

Great, so he survived. I was hoping he bled to death.

The pain of Hassan dying still stirred me. I couldn't put it behind me. It felt like I'd been slashed across the stomach.

I looked at Shen darkly. "Congratulations, Shen. You're turning out to be exactly like him. And you know what? Maybe it's a good thing that I'm going to die soon. It would be better than seeing you grow into even more of a soulless, empty piece of shit with nothing but stale air in that heart-shaped box."

There was a flicker of something I couldn't identify in his eyes. I thought I was about to get punched in the face. But instead Shen lowered the blade from my throat and tore his gaze away from me.

"Did I hit a nerve?" I laughed scornfully, obviously overstepping my boundary. "Fuck you. You don't get to be sensitive. Not when we're passing the point of no return."

"Don't act like you're so innocent," Shen matched my rudeness. "A few months away from home and you're Saint Mudan, ready to save the homeless and feed the birdies. You're such a hypocrite, you killed Yura and a maid and so many others and yet you think you're pure."

"I'm going to get what I deserve," I bit back. "But you know what? I regret nothing. I'll destroy empires, cross the strongest rivers and climb over hills of skulls to find the freedom I was never allowed with the Renge. I'm willing to die for that air I was never allowed to breathe. At least I know I've been a destructive monster for myself, not on the orders of another man."

"Do you think that makes it any better?" He mocked me. "Your freedom means nothing. You turned your back on everyone. It doesn't matter what you chase, your fate is that of a coward. You will suffer like one."

I bit my lip until it bled. I was so angry, so frustrated that we were back to square one. It was like everything I felt was for nothing.

"If I knew you were going to go back to being Old Master's pet, I would have just stayed away from you," I said, making sure he knew my regret.

"Getting away from all of you is the best thing I've ever done. I fucking had a life, I was free. I had a friend and a job and people I cared about. My life was fine before you came back into it. It made me wish I never met you!"

I wanted to hurt him with my words, but it was like nothing was grazing him. Nothing at all. Shen stared at me icily, his eyes downturned in disinterest.

"That life was never yours. It belonged to Yang, someone who never existed. You were never free, Mudan. The day you ran, was when your life lost all its meaning. You can cry about it all you want. Nothing will change."

"Yeah, nothing will change," I choked out. "But you clearly have. And for the worst. I don't even know who you are anymore."

It killed me inside. His face was still the soft, princely handsome face I always knew. Yet his actions reflected my father.  The worst person I knew.

Shen looked away from me and lowered his sword. "That was the idea," he muttered. My stomach dropped just speaking to him. I was drained.

I didn't think this trip would get any worse. That was until an arrow whizzed into the carriage and inside the head of the driver. We stopped abruptly, the entire carriage shaking. I blinked as the man's head hung over, the arrowhead on the other side of his skull dripping with blood.