Sometimes, people like me who spend all their time being extremely artsy and/or scholastic need breaks. When this happens, normal people would go hang out with friends, but unfortunately most of my friends are super artsy so we all need these breaks at different times.

Also it's like Friday night. Only extroverts do stuff on Friday nights. I'm more of a Saturday or Sunday afternoon type of person. Holidays are chill too.

So when it's a school night and/or Friday, I usually do Clash or read stuff on here.

Sometimes, I'm not even motivated to do that.

When that occurs, I must dig into the pit of my soul and find the most glorious time waster known to man.

App Store Pokemon ripoffs.

When I first started to collect these, it was ironically. Then I realized some of them are actually... really fun. Worse, they're fun AND deviate from the initial concept of monster catching enough to be their own thing. 

I had no choice but to unironically appreciate and even come to adore these small and quirky packages of monsters and mayhem. As no one else understands my plight, I turn to the Internet in hopes that some of you will maybe find this guide helpful. If you are ever bored beyond belief, I guess you could probably give some of these a try.

THE UNIRONIC LONG ASS GUIDE TO APP STORE POKEMON RIPOFFS

Dill: and it only took you 226 words of monologue!

What? 

Dill: We're proud of you, uh-

Chrona: Well don't call her Chrona. That's my name.

Lilly, maybe?
Lilly: taken.

Toxis: You're all holding us up.

Lilly: Alright, let's get out of here.

Bronze: b-b-but... my opinion!
Lilly: We kind of have an epic climax to work on tonight. You know how it is.

Shauna: *yells* Neo Monsters for life!
Chrona: *drags them all off the page with her vine whips*

We'll see them in a bit.

Maybe.

Probably.

If none of them die.

o3o

Indy: *peeks out* You really should get on with it.

Okay here we go.

Name: EvoCreo
Price: $0.99
Description: A dreary town, a white coated professor, some... normal type starters? Oh deer. By that I mean oh Deor (it's deer but with an o and a cutie mark- I mean crescent moon- on its butt) because that was the starter I chose, despite choosing the dog in every other game- no really like most of these hacks are nothing but canines and felines. Not that I mind *up to neck in fluffy babies*. Apparently the starters learn moves from every type and depending on what moves you choose to use most, they gain affinity and evolve into an evolution of that type... actually, that's a really great idea. 
Set Up: It plays like Pokemon would.  You walk around and do some things, catch some 'mons, fully independent to do so.

No really. That's... that's how it works. There's some tweaks to the formula and it's definitely not Pokemon, but it's also... similarly controlled.

Features (the good):

-pixels pixels pixels

-MOVING PIXELS

-moves and plays like a regular Pokemon game

-fully immersive overworld

-have I mentioned everything is in pixels

-the branched evolutions are really interesting

Hindrances (the bad):

-the designs are sometimes mediocre or just plain boring

-comes close but never gets that feel to it that Pokemon does

-not terribly compelling

-no naming

-walking everywhere gets way more tedious than in other games

Overall Score: 4.2/5. Almost like playing a Pokemon fan game, but with less bugs and illegal malware to install onto your computer.

Name: Neo Monsters
Price: $0.99
Description: Oh boy. Would you like to get into the Pointless Monster Taming League? That sounds pretty boring, right? Okay. Now let's make this more interesting. What if there was a Pointless Monster Taming League that was actually fun to play, a day mechanic, a plot involving your uncle who may or may not have assassinated the king, slightly cheesy music that I adore in spite of myself, overworlds that are actually really fun to traverse with an immense amount of monsters to catch and train, and WAIT, THERE'S EVEN TIME TRAVEL? 

Sign me up.
Set Up: You start your day and choose to either go exploring or train your monsters. There are plot cutscenes interspersed, luckily none are too tedious. 

Features (the good):

-actually worth 99 cents

-no wait times (excepting tickets)

-the tickets are really the only thing you need "diamonds" for and you get them really easily so it's not pay to play bullshit, you just pay 99 cents and then you're in Neo Monster heaven

-animations

-really engrossing gameplay

-time mechanic in battle is rad

-you don't have to buy Pokeballs or any equivalent, though there are balancing mechanics for that

-i love the music

-i love the aesthetic

-i love the characters that get development even though they're so simple (Hector, your uncle, who you meet in the past, is a huge nerd and quintessential anime protagonist)

-i love this gaaaame

Hindrances (the bad):

-it might be a bit cheesy

-monsters evolve a bit too quickly

-some of the designs are really eh

-no monster naming D:

-feels like the game is rushing itself at some points and too slow in others, creating an imbalance

Overall Score: 4.5/5. It might just be me, as this game is definitely flawed, but this has to be one of the more engaging ones out there.

Name: Micromon 
Price: $0.99
Description: You are sucked into a virtual world (like Digimon). You are then... uh no that's actually it. Still gives off a really Digimonish vibe, especially because half of the designs are plated in something for reasons. It's definitely BETTER than most of the free alternatives, and actually has some sort of plot, a massive overworld like Pokemon, and moving sprites (they aren't pixels though). There was some attempt at new gameplay mechanics and the professor (Malk) at least seems cool, even if his name... is Malk. (I'd like some malk! Do you mean milk? Malk. I could go for a glass of malk actually.) The digital aesthetic gives the game identity, and some parts of the game are very cleverly done or at least make me, a veteran Pokemon player, snort a little bit. For instance, you can buy all the good items right from the start from a pretty shady business man. I always wondered why you couldn't do that in-game, probably just to curve the difficulty. Have no fear- this game is PLENTY hard. Your starter is pretty much useless and even though I didn't care much for Glareon, my badly-named Fu dog with the speed stat of a lethargic turtle, I didn't really want to see him/her/it get beat up.
But I did.

A lot.

Set Up: Exploring a vast overworld and running into shaking patches of grass and your character will make a face and throw an under-leveled baby towards the wild monster and wait for the tar to be beaten out of it. Oh yeah. Your character emotes every time anything happens. 

I kind of want to strangle my player character. Thaaaaaat's not good game design right there.

Features (the good):

-as I said, really good aesthetic

-no wait times

-actual plot

-Malk (possibly a typo)

-Save feature, traditional RPG

-they managed to make actual controls for an iPhone game. actual d-pad controls.

-I have to respect how much effort was put into coding this. It feels very professional.

-there's this robot assistant you have to travel with- B-002, or as I call him, B-008. He sucks. Luckily, according to the 'dex, he's... catchable? Would that shut him up? If so, please let me catch B-002.

Hindrances (the bad):

-no naming

-B-008.

-dem emojis.

-way too difficult starting out

-overworld feels cluttered

Overall Score: 3.8/5. There was an attempt. A good one.

Name: Haypi Monsters
Price: Free
Description: I don't really get this game. It's like Happy... but misspelled? Why? What about this game makes you happy? It is bland in every sense of the word. Nothing you do is compelling, there's no plot, and the gameplay is so boring that there's an auto mode in case you just don't give a shit (which I assure you I didn't). There's also a chat box in the top left with ugly yellow text that destroys the graphics and makes you question why you're playing this at all when even chatting with strange 10 year olds about why you're doing this would be a better use of your time.
Set Up: You roll some dice to move, fight some completely static things while a chat box on the side detracts from any atmosphere the battle might have had, and question most of your life choices.

Features (the good):

-chat box is a great place to find other people bored as you are

-designs not terribly horrendous

-there's actually a lot of gameplay so you can continuously waste your time

Hindrances (the bad):

-you play as an ugly ass skipping elf  because... reasons?

-pay to play VIP

-that chat box pops up everywhere

-confusing layout

-ya still can't name any of your monsters btw

-bad music

-boring gameplay

-the font is more like something you'd see at an old fashioned farm with hayrides and caramel apples than anything you'd use in a video game

Overall Score: 2.5/5. Unbelievably dull.

Name: MinoMonsters
Price: Free
Description: A small but charming game bursting with personality. The stylized monsters don't look quite like Pokemon or imitations of Pokemon like most of these do, they just look like themselves. The music is lulling and the sound effects are great, and though there's very little plot what we do have seems to be reason enough to go on a sweet adventure with these adorable monsters. 
Set Up: You traverse areas where you click on buttons from the overworld map to enter encounters that respawn after time. Actual gameplay is mainly clicking on everything- your enemy, coins, energy, attacks... still fun though. Watching your Minos grow is satisfying in and of itself. Farm all the bosses until they faint, come back the next day, heal your prized team and go at it again.

Features (the good):

-animations for all characters absolutely adorable (even when they're knocked out and you're frustrated as hell, they have cute little sleeping animations! D'aw.)

-unfinished, and never will be due to 2.

-really well animated

-you can name your monsters

-every sound effect is satisfying

-the music track is so calming and nostalgic. mmmmm.

-you can see how its positively brimming with life and energy. so much love was poured into this game.

-even though its simple the battling is really fun

-I admit I'm terribly nostalgic for this game. So many good memories with me and my friends exchanging codes...

Hindrances (the bad):

-you can only heal 3 KOed minos and it takes 30 minutes to do so 

-chest system to unlock extra party slot. requires friend codes which no one ever has because no one who finds these things has any friends (except me bc i played it with friends)

there are forums filled with friend codes on the net though.

-later upgrades cost a crap ton of money (fixed in 2)

-nowhere near as advanced or expansive as its successor

Overall Score: 4.2/5. A nostalgic classic that makes me feel like a seventh grader curled up in my brother's room for the Wi-Fi. 

Name: Mino Monsters 2: Evolution
Price: Free
Description: The same as above, back and better than ever. More plot! More dialogue between you and some newer characters. A really badass silent villain and so much more to do (daily activities!) make this definitely a sequel to be remembered.
Set Up: Not much has changed. There are items and equips as well as less waiting now, so you feel more engrossed and at the same time, there's a lot of minor things they removed that won't bug you unless you were really into 1.

Features (the good):

-they kept the music from the first one

-way more features- you can sell your monsters for berries now

-berries to evolve

-game is extremely fleshed out, everything takes a lot longer and you don't feel like the game is forcing you to wait just so you don't finish

-shorter wait times for monster healing, plus all your monsters heal instead of clicking a button over three of them

-Elderbear!

-the plot is actually really cute

-updates constantly

-new designs are amazing (LUNAQUEEN IS MY BAE)

-chat feature well implemented

-pretty much everything from the first game for the ambiance and a few other problems I'll get to in the hindrances

Hindrances (the bad):

-eats your data faster than Indy eats exotic meat (though you can kind of almost play offline)

-there's a lot of pay-to-play aspects, including inserting items, making a bag, and then imposing a very oppressive limit you have to pay to get around.

-a lot of the calm but personal atmosphere is lost from the first game. a bit of it is due to the plot, which got a little spunkier (which I don't mind), but it also has that auto-feature, too much pay to play, and they took out monster naming. at points I feel like I'm watching someone else's adventure, and great as that adventure is, it's not the one I spent so long waiting for

-no monster naming (did they really have to take that out)

Overall Score: 4.2/5. It makes up for what it loses, but I can't help feeling that it'd be so much closer to a five if they had just stuck with what made MinoMonsters so great to begin with.

Name: Morphs/Morphs: Cloud Kingdom
Price: Free
Description: Okay so these are basically the same game, but whoever made it apparently made two because apparently a bunch of people who buy things on the app store are sheep who not only dish out free money for "diamonds" but also keep rating these things five stars even though like they're the second coming of Christ. Basically you get this little blob called a morph and by forcing it to beat up its wild kin, distinguishable as evil by their slightly disturbed expression, you gain crystals from their corpses and feed them to your morph so it can evolve into a more efficient killing machine. Okay obviously its just a cutesy game with a cheerful aesthetic but let's face it most of these games are really fucked up when you think about them. You can evolve it into various things (three times! nice) by using different crystals and the later evolutions are actually really well designed (relatively speaking). You'll probably get bored way before then, though. Just saying. Also if you have both games you can ride this little balloon between them in case you're too lazy to click the home button. Besides ads and app store pop-ups, I've never seen a game do that before... so yeah. AIR BALLOONS.

Set Up: You either care for your morph in a slightly underdeveloped pet-care simulator (you can also do minigames for extra crystals or look at all the evos you could get, along with some... things and the obligatory "pay ""diamonds"" store" or you traverse three maps full of levels corresponding to an element (water, fire, grass in the former and electric, air, ice in the latter) and engage in some mindless click to make the monster attack battling.

Features (the good):

-riding that balloon back and forth between apps like an excited child

-evolution branching

-cute

-addictive in a "wow it's stupid but I can't stop" kind of way

-fluffy, daydreamy feeling

Hindrances (the bad):

-very meh

-minigames make noooooo sense

-music is kind of boring to listen to after a while

Overall Score: 2.8/5. *rides balloon instead of playing game*

Name: Battle Camp
Price:  Free
Description: Have you ever seen this one game that advertised it was "BETTER THAN POKEMON" and showed all these obviously Pokemon-esque designs (you could tell which ones they were too, holy shit one of them was just Pikachu on meth)? No? Good! They were wrooooong. Even though the designs were bad, the actual game just gives you these really boring designs that makes you wish you were playing with the rip offs of better companies. You do really lame fetch quests in a laggy overworld that devours data faster than you can delete all the requests for you to sign up with Facebook.
Set Up: You walk around in a world that lags hard as hell because it's kind of sort of not really functional MMORPG. There you interact with blobs and boring monsters. Their stats include the typical things and then their star signs. You know, in case you wanted to read their horoscopes or something.

Features (the good):

-they tried with an over world

-it looks smooth, nice aesthetic even if a bit simple

-you can set up clans and stuff so that's cool

Hindrances (the bad):

-obnoxious marketing campaign

-boring designs

-I believe they also come with names?? shitty names??

-not very compelling, no story

-feels like just doing chores (fetch quests are literal bullshit)

-if you don't sign into Facebook it wipes all your progress. BITE ME.

Overall Score: 1.2/5. Better than Pokemon my ass.

Name: Puzzles and Dragons
Price: all of your free time (free)
Description: Okay so this isn't even Pokemon RELATED so it'll be quick. It's one of those match three puzzle games with an emphasis on capturing enemies. There's a whole genre of this. The other good one that actually ISN'T match three but is still similar (you'll know if you play both) is Brave Frontier. They're very Japanese and have some of the same enemies. Brave Frontier is better but there most of your 'army' is humanoids. This one is just... I mean I had a team with Wonder Woman (it was a special, don't ask), two dragons, a blob, and a half-dressed ten year old.

... she had good stats okay

Set Up: You match three, get a few hundred, and wake up weeks later with no memory of how or why you got there.

Features (the good):

-addictive

-i'd say unique but then everyone and their smart coding grandma copied the idea

-dat music

-some of the designs are raaaad beyond belief

-so much mythology in one game

Hindrances (the bad):

-why are there so many little girls

-very very Japanese. There's some cultural differences.

-It's just really weird I don't even know what to say here

-once you get over the addiction it's not really THAT good. It's 'good' like Candy Crush is.

-it says red summer phoenix why the f*** is it a little girl

Overall Score: 3/5. So many hours I will never get back.

Name: Bulu Monsters
Price:  Free
Description: You are a person. You go to do some things to save... I think that's a sheep but I have no idea. It is a large world and possibly the highest quality INFINITE TIME WASTER. That said the game itself aside from a few nice tracks and some only slightly overdone designs that are at least appealing doesn't have too much to offer. It's the same thing and while satisfying to play does nothing exceptionally well.

That said, it does most things you probably ARE looking for well enough and it's at least fun to play. Especially finding the dragon types which have a 5% catch rate and are scattered around so you can only find them once per level.
I once spent three hours trying to catch one on a car trip, no lie.

Set Up: Overworld. Buttons. Encounters. *loud dramatic battle music*

Features (the good):

-designs I guess

-there are things that you do

-the rival is a dick and you get to beat him up

-a lot

-them dragons

-satisfying to play

-under or overlevel grinding is way too much fun and i don't know why

Hindrances (the bad):

-something about this game always made me slightly nauseous

-some of the designs are dumb. why the fuck am I fighting pudding

-now the pudding has a flag on it who thought this was a good idea

-seasonal events

-if you want to catch them all there are like 800 and they make 20 new ones every few months, have fun

-no naming

-those dragons

Overall Score: 3.2/5. ...Okay then.

Name: Bread Kittens 
Price: Free
Description: Have you ever wanted to play Pokemon, but instead of PLAYING Pokemon you just throw bread at cats? No? Well it is a game that exists. While there's also Bread Puppies, you should play the original because you throw bread at cats. That is how you catch them. When one of your dialogue lines translates to "thank you for saving me from being brainwashed by throwing bread at me!" you know you have created a work of art. While this is nothing too technically impressive, it's fun, it's cute, and you have A F***KING BAKERY WHERE YOU MAKE BREAD TO PUT ON YOUR CATS TO MAKE THEM MORE POWERFUL.
Set Up: Spots. Overworld. Encounters. Button clicking.
If you don't make a warriors clan and give them all ranks I am extremely disappointed in you.

Features (the good):

-I just told you YOU THROW BREAAAD AT CAAATS
-the cats are adorable

-cat death fights

-name them after your faves and have scourge and firestar wearing POP TARTS (i'm not kidding) on their heads work together to stop chowcorp and take down a literal lion

-there is a cat called Mysticat or something and it's literally just cat jesus

-you get to name your monsters- I mean cats, hallelujah

-that music screams cats and baking

I didn't think they went together but they do???

Hindrances (the bad):

-the animations are basically just the sprite moving

-overlevelled enemies

-lots of grinding

-you can't release your cats and you can't have more than one of each breed 

Overall Score: 3.8/5. Why does this exist? I don't know but I'm glad it does.

Name: Monster Squad
Price: Free
Description: Named after the alternate title for the Hearts of Gold trilogy (just kidding). Basically like Puzzles and Dragons minus the underaged girls plus MinoMonsters' click gameplay (plus reactions! how fast can you click them buttons) but minus the charm of the latter and the addictiveness of the former. It's... okay I guess?
Set Up: evolve things, click things, go on missions, cringe as your monsters call you master

they must never know they are naught but a Pokemon ripoff that you bought for free because you were bored

Features (the good):

-colorful

-lots of dragons

-evolution by fusion (KILL EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING MWAHAHAHAH)

Hindrances (the bad):

-it's not that good 

-that's the best way to describe it it's just not engaging, the gameplay is boring and limited, there's no plot, and I don't really care

Overall Score:

Name: Monster Galaxy: The Zodiac Islands
Price: free
Description: This is a game that exists where you catch monsters in a variety of wildly inconsistent art styles in order to piss off the government using the power of zodiacs. Does it make any sense? No. Are most of the designs confusing or terrible? Absolutely. Did I still play through a quarter of it before realizing this was the dumbest thing I had ever done with my life? Maybe. The monsters are also called Mogas. Get it? Monster Galaxy? Most of the game is of similar quality to that pun.

Set Up: Map. Encounters. Fetch quests. Real Rick. 
Really, Real Rick is the only Real Rick because there is also a non-real Rick who's realness is questionable.

Features (the good):

-there is a plot

-there are some foxes who look badass

-the villain is an idiot

-you get to flip off the government while capturing giant dragons 

Hindrances (the bad):

-it's really not well done

-the animation is terrible

-the gameplay is terrible

-half of the designs are lame

Overall Score: 2.5/5. Unharmfully mediocre.

Name: Monster Legacy
Price: free
Description: Oh wow, another overworld! You can actually see the monsters! All of them have grotesquely bulging... eyes. Oh.

Okay then.

Set Up: Listen to garbled monsters screaming in a mainly free to play, wait to play world where you go on adventures, set private property on fire with your staff from hell, and collect monsters with huge eyes, huge lips, and low stats.

Features (the good):

-there is a plot

-naming I think

-gameplay is a combo of moves and clicking that involves actual skill and practice

-the monsters aren't that ugly once you get past certain design aspects

-the evolutions are cool

-you get a magic staff and you can set things on fire

-the ranch

-the music at the ranch

Hindrances (the bad):

-evolving takes FOREVER

-them eyes

-pay to wait to play

Overall Score: 3.5/5. 

Name: Mighty Monsters
Price: Free
Description: Listen to repetitive backgrounds and catch really wimpy monsters that evolve at some point, possibly, eventually. 
Set Up: Overworld with little blobs which are actually possibly monsters? 
Wait, is this blob really... that thing?
What???

Also you have to get through all of them to open doors to progress.

Pro tip: If you stand around your monsters will heal over time and you can cruise through everything.
Ultra pro tip: stop playing this game

Features (the good):

-they start you with 100 diamonds and the catching stars are one diamond. abuse this liberally and catch everything in the game. it is fun.

-if you beat a level enough which you will to catch all the monsters in the level it takes you to a harder mode which pits you against the evolutions of everything you just caught

don't worry if your monsters die they heal faster if they're weaker, just keep throwing them at their parents until the resulting massacre leaves both sides dead

-just do that instead actually trying in this game is boring but completionism makes it at least compelling

Hindrances (the bad):

-bad graphics

-no naming

-the music is aggravating

-it hasn't updated in years and probably never will

-there's nothing exceptional here except for how many damned monsters there are and most of them are ugly as tar

-when you run out of all 100 crystals and have to actually try this game is no longer worth playing. rip

Overall Score:

Name: Terapets
Price: someone should probably pay you to complete this
Description: OH GOD MY EYES
OH GOD EVERYTHING
WHAT IS THIS
WHY
Set Up: AHHHHHHHHH????

Features (the good):

there is an ocarina feature that would be cool if it was in a game that wasn't shit

Hindrances (the bad):

basically everything i put in good for any other game now take the opposite and put that here

tremble in fear

Overall Score: 1/5. Runs like crap, looks like crap, probably is crap rebundled into app form. 

Name: Neko Atsume
Price: your soul
Description: What's this, you say? Neko Atsume isn't a monster catching game? Those aren't cats. Those are monsters. Those are DEMONS contained in the flesh of small purring virtual figures. The music box in the background contains the lyrics that will play when you enter hell, reversed and sped up. You will never see all of the cats. You will never win Neko Atsume. Neko Atsume is sin incarnate.
Set Up: you stare at the screen until your eyes bleed or the cats come.

Features (the good): Suggest this to people you hate and watch as their life crumbles around them.

Hindrances (the bad): Those beady eyes and smiles are secretly doors into the pits of hell.

Overall Score: -666/10. Don't.

This is 4300 words. I have sinned.