Today it's been a year. It was a terribly difficult year without you. There were times I felt like my world was falling apart and there were days I made it through without crying at the drop of a hat.

I lost count of the times I reached for the phone to call you and realized I can't. Or something happened and I wanted to tell you and then realized I couldn't. It sucks.

It wasn't just your absence that hit me hard this year. It was other stuff that I don't want to go into. 

Nothing goes the way I thought it would. I knew you were going to die but never imagined you would suffer so much. I knew it would be hard without you but it has been hell and at times unimaginable, like I'm in a nightmare I can't wake up from.

Your kids are growing up and it breaks my heart that you aren't here to see. You would be so proud of them. They have been strong, stronger than I've been.

It's been a whole year without your voice, your laughter. But then I have to remember you aren't suffering anymore. Where you are there is no pain, you're at peace.

I don't want to try make it though another day without you but I have to. I can't just give up.

You fought so hard for every day we had with you and I try to remember that. How lucky we all are to have no more day when you don't.

I spent most of today in tears. I couldn't think about you without thinking about what I've lost, what we have all lost. Mom still gets messages from people whose lives you touched. It reminds me, I wasn't the only person to know how special you were.

All I can hope for is the one day when I think about you and don't cry. Instead I smile because I don't think about your passing, I think about your life and all the good you brought to mine. Wherever you are, they gained the most extraordinary person.

What we shared is something I will never have with someone else. No one will know me like you knew me. And I feel that loss everyday.

It's been a year. And it's still hurts too much.

I love you to the moon and back, always.