I am
surprised.
"I don't
hate you for
marrying Jeff.
Why do you
think that?"
I carefully
accept
her favorite
water pitcher
and dry it
as if it were
a baby.

"It's not
anything
you've done
necessarily.
I just
knows it's been hard
for you,
especially since
your dad
isn't involved.
We went from
you and I
against
the world to
a new dad-"

"Step-dad."

"That's fair.
Step-dad
and
a whole bunch
of siblings."

"Don't forget
their
extended family."
I think about
Grandma Jeff.

Mom chuckles,
and starts
helping me
dry since
she's washed
all the dishes
by the
sink.
"It's a lot,
I know.
But you've done
pretty good."

I must look
perplexed because
Mom explains that
up until
the last
couple months,
I have
actually been
fairly nice.
She says
there are
things we
all need
to work on,
but that
if we can
become a family,
we can
work on them
together.
This reminds me of
what I said
to Cadence,
and I
wonder if
I got it
from Mom.

She also adds
that it's okay
if I don't want
a new family;
that I'm allowed
to feel
that way,
but that
it's my
new reality
so I need
to find
a way to deal
that doesn't involve
hurting people.
She finishes
the last dish
and is
drying her
hands when
I ask her
if she remarried
because I
wasn't enough
or I was
too much.
She immediately
sets down
her towel
and looks at me
seriously.

"No,"
She says.
"I met Jeff
because I
needed support
and I couldn't
dump all
my stress
about you
on you.
I married Jeff
because he is
everything
I needed
and because
I love him
for who
he is,
not just
what he can
give me.
I made that
mistake with
your father
and when
he couldn't give
himself anymore,
we fell apart."

And I can see
what she means.
Someday,
if or maybe
when
I am
looking for
a husband of
my own,
I'll follow
what my mom has
showed me
is important
and I will
be like
she is; and
try to be
my best self.

I let her
pull me
into a hug
and it feels like
it's just
her and me
in our
little house

"Emma?"

"Yeah?"
I say
into her
shoulder.

"I need to
say something
and I
need you
to not
freak out
about it."

"Okay."
I pretend
I am
nonchalant,
but now
I am
praying
that I don't
tic
and ruin
this hug.
Because I
don't ever
want her
to let me go.

"Sometimes
you're a little
self-absorbed."

Great.
More of
this speech.

"I feel like
I'm not
appreciated
for all that
I do
to try and
keep you
healthy.
Would you
be willing
to try to
appreciate
what I do
a little more
and tell me
when you're
feeling grateful?
You are
your father's
daughter.
Putting
your emotions
into words
is not
your strong point,
but it's what
I need."

I am
willing
to change
for her,
especially when
she's changed
for me.

And I know
as long as
we're being
vulnerable
and expressing
our emotional
needs,
I need
to ask
if she'll
try to
validate me
before she
shuts me down.
It's nice that
Jeff is
good at
validation,
but it's not
him that
I want
understanding from.

We agree
to work on
our individual
things,
and she
comments
on how much
I've grown
and I
tell her
how strong
and beautiful
and selfless
she is
and how much
I am grateful
for all that
she's done
for everyone.

And I hope
that
no matter what
hits us
in the future,
we'll always
be able
to talk
to each other
and always have
this love.
Since she
was courageous
enough
to tell me
her needs,
I tell her
this is
what I need.
The conversation
is messy
and doesn't
close perfectly
like a
movie moment,
but we tried
and we loved.
So I
am glad
we talked.