to my friend, 

to adeline cantrelle, 

to adeline,

your parents sound like assholes. seriously, you deserve some sort of attention - but i can't say i don't envy you, because i do. if my dad didn't know i existed, maybe i wouldn't even be writing you. 

wait. 

i'm not sure if i like that or not. 

okay, now i just sound weird. anyways.

i feel suddenly horrified by what i've done, talking truthfully to another human being. we're damaged, you and i, but if there was someone else who didn't understand, then they'd think we were cool or something. not in a like "you've got bad parents, it's amazing you've survived so long" (and sympathy and pity are disgusting anyways) kinda way, but in a like "god i'm so jealous of you, maybe people would like me more if my parents hit me - look, i painted a fake bruise on my face now i'll tell people my mom did it" kinda way. and that's stupid. if they lived for a day in my life (or your life, but i only know what it's like to go unnoticed at school) then they'd understand that they're so lucky and fortunate. 

if they didn't understand, but if they knew, they would think we're damaged in a good way, in a perfect sort of way. perfectly damaged. 

and that's just terrible. who would want to be this way? how can this be good? and it's not like i want their pity; like i said, pity is disgusting, but i'd almost rather it than have them thinking they want this too. i'd rather pity than have them running home asking their parents to abuse them just so they can garner more attention from their peers. 

well, maybe they deserve it, but some people don't. it is wrong, on so many infinite levels, to want that. 

to think you deserve it? well, that's a different story, because if i said it was bad they thought that, i'd be a hypocrite, wouldn't i? 

and okay, i don't need to be fixed. maybe that's because i don't deserve to be fixed. do i? because i sure as hell don't think i do. if you do, then there's something wrong with you. and me. but i already knew that last bit. 

there's one more thing, adeline.

perhaps that is true, i don't need to be fixed.

but i'm still broken. 

your desperate acquaintance, 

ᴋᴀɪ ᴅᴀʟʟᴀʀᴏꜱᴀ