pov bucky → pov steve~

"Anything is possible, you know that. You know you wouldn't be here if it wasn't," Steve said to me seriously, trying to get my hopes up and attempting to ignore the unimaginable truth of the situation.

"I'm sorry... I know you've spent so much of your time over the last few days trying to help me... trying to help me remember something - anything. I just don't think it's working and I'm so incredibly sorry for not telling you that sooner. I wasn't trying to lead you on... I was just trying to give it a chance. I just- I don't think there's that much more of a chance to give, anymore, I-"

"After all this time? Really? You're willing to let all of our history turn to dust? You're telling me that you don't care about us or about any of thi-"

"No," I interrupted him. "I'm not saying that. I didn't say I don't care, Steve. I just feel that we've exhausted all of our options here. I've tried everything you've asked me to. I told you I'm willing to try literally anything. Whatever it takes."

"You mean that?" He asked me.

"I've never meant anything more," I told him, really meaning it.

Then he closed his eyes and before I said anything else, his head was in his hands. It was so hard seeing him like this. I felt like him re-telling me all those stories at the very least helped me feel more human again, if nothing else. I knew they probably wouldn't help me actually remember, but at least they've helped me in some way. I wish I could console him, for there really wasn't much I could do in regards to fixing this re-opened wound.

So, I tried the best I could.

"Some people wish they could have a re-do. They wish they could start their lives all over again and forget all the bad stuff," I said, holding back the tears I had been keeping in all day.

I watched him. He simply sat there and listened, so I continued.

"I just want to remember, Steve," I heard my voice crack and felt the familiar prickle of relentless tears begin to settle. His eyes, though usually big and child-like, seemed to fill with sorrow and hopelessness. "I want to remember all of it," I murmered. "They took everything from me, all the good things and all of my memories from my old life," I paused.

"They took you away from me, Steve," I whispered. It was like I was realizing the gravity of the situation for what felt like the first time.

"Now I realize that I've done all that I can do. The world has changed, it's moved on without me, and none of us can go back. All we can do is our best and, dear God, I've tried so hard... so hard," I watched his eyebrows crinkle together in agony as the words spilled from my mouth.

He was breaking, the man unbreakable, and the only person to blame is myself.

"But sometimes the best that we can do is start over," I continued, despite the overwhelming feelings compelling me to stop. "That's all I have left, Steve. This is my last option. There is no other way."

"Of course there is," he blurted out, sounding almost angry. "I mean- nevermind I don't thin-"

"There's no chance you're getting away with not telling me something that might fix this, so don't even try it," I interrupted. I wasn't about to let him ruin this and waste all the progress we'd made over something stupid. "You've told me so much already, Steve, it can't be that bad."

"It's not something I have to tell you, Buck," he started, his shaky voice telling me how torn apart he really was. "It's more of an action... something I  would have to show you. And, well, I'm not sure if either of us is ready for that."

"I told you already that it doesn't matter to what extent I have to go because I'll do whatever I have to in order to fix this. It can't hurt to try."

"You shouldn't be alive, unless it was for a reason," he told me, seemingly only to make sure he wasn't going crazy himself.

"What if you're wrong?" I asked, seriously wondering what he might tell me next. "What if there is no reason? Or worse; what if the only reason I'm still here is for more torture for the both of us."

"Well, either way, if I'm wrong... what more could I lose?" he waited. "I tried so hard and only got so far, I guess in the end it doesn't really matter... I've already lost you once," he stopped again. "It doesn't matter."

"Of course it matters, Steve. Just tell me- don't even tell me, actually. Just show me. Whatever it is... I promise you, it'll amount to something," I tried to convince him.

• • •

I looked at Bucky in silence and hoped he saw the sorrow hidden behind my hungry eyes. I  hoped he would be okay with what I was about to tell him - what I was about to try.

I stood up and made my way over to his bed. He looked up at me in confusion as I stopped and stood between his legs. I waited a second, running it over again and again and again in my head just hoping that it would go the way it was supposed to, but knowing deep down that there was practically no chance of that.

I closed my eyes for a second, to clear the static from my brain and the blurriness from my eyes before I looked down at him sitting below me once again. His lips were slightly parted and his eyebrows were pushed together, which sent me clear signals of confusion. Luckily, I knew what I was doing.

At least I thought I did.

I, quickly and in one swift motion, brought my hands down to the sides of his face and cupped his jaw, bringing him up to my face as I met my lips on his. I saw his eyes shoot open as he hummed hesitantly against my mouth, but he didn't pull away. I let my eyes close as tears began to fall and let this feeling take over me once again. It was like a wave of heat rushing all across my skin. His hands hovered reluctantly over my hips as I pulled him in closer, never wanting to let go again.

He let me into his mouth with my tongue, though I wasn't sure if this was out of curiosity, desire, or simply that incessant need to remember- no matter what it takes. I felt myself pulling his body in so that every inch of him might feel every inch of me. I felt my heart beating out of my chest and heard it roaring in my ears... it was like we were starting all over again- like I had those undeniable butterflies brewing up a storm in my stomach for the first time in what felt like forever.

But, it only lasted a few more seconds before he pulled back, sending me spinning back into my torturous reality and giving me a look I didn't recognize.

I had finally felt whole for that moment and it felt like, in that moment, he had just ripped it all away once more.

• • •

I looked at him after having pulled back and I wasn't sure what that feeling was. My stomach felt heavy and there was something welling up in my throat... it was nearly unbearable.

My mouth was open but I couldn't say a word because, well, my mind was blank. He looked at me like he was trying to read me... only, there was nothing to read because there was nothing there.

I started shaking my head because that's all I could think to do.

His eyes got wide as he shook his head too, his eyes first growing wide, then narrowing below tense eyebrows.

"I'm so, so sorry," I finally said, my voice sounding unrecognizable.

"No," he whispered, backing away from me, almost as if the thought of me not remembering made it more real. "That... it didn't do anything? Nothing?"

"No, nothing... I'm sorry, Steve. I'm sorry," I apologized. "It didn't work , I- that was our last option, wasn't it?"

He nodded.

I gripped my arm as I felt chills crawl across my skin. "So this is it," I said.

"It can't be," he murmured.

"It has to be, Steve, you don't understand," I came back.

"But I can- we can keep trying. I can continue to re-tell our story. We can start all over again, Bucky, don't you see? It could wor-"

"This- we wouldn't work," I cut him off. "It wouldn't be the same, Steve. I know that's what you're looking for, too, the same thing as it always was."

"So what if I am? It can be, Buck, just give it a chan-"

"No... Steve, you don't get it. History doesn't repeat itself... it rhymes. We just don't have the potential to be the same as we were and I'm sorry, but it's just- it's also that I-" I paused and took in a deep breath. "I'm not attracted you anymore."

He just tried to smile but turned away from me instead. "I can't do this anymore, Buck, I can't," he mumbled, his voice cracking.

"You?" I asked, frustrated and nearly yelling. "At least you remember who we were. I can't even remember myself, nevermind our so-called epic love story," I exaggerated, starting to calm down. "At least you reminded me what it was like to be happy, Steve. You told me of a happier time and, sure, I don't exactly remember any of it... but at least now I know that I have the potential to be happy... especially since before this, I never thought it to be possible for someone like me."

He stayed facing the door, seeming like he could barely stand to look at me or into my lost eyes.

"You know what love is, Steve. You're the only person I know who has ever really loved me and- I'm so grateful... I can't express how that has changed my outlook on this whole situation," I continued. "I know you've seemingly waited all these years for me even though you knew I was gone..... and I know you won't want to move on, but you should. You can find true happiness with someone else and this really is something I want for you... for us both."

I waited for him to say something - anything - but he didn't even move, so I soldiered on.

"Steve, this isn't the end. I know it isn't because- well, with such an extraordinary story like that, there's no way I could ever find someone to love me like that after you."