TW: Mention of suicide, suicidal thoughts.

Read the author's note at the end.

***

I felt so empty.

Empty yet filled with so many negative emotions. Anger, sadness, despair, agony, resentment, and guilt. So many things were running in my mind, the chain never stopped. Thoughts about my late mother, thoughts about him, thoughts about all this shit, and thoughts about my decision.

And last of them was eating me alive from inside.

Did I do right? No. Of course, I didn't. Why I did do that? I didn't have any option. Was it worth it? No. The only thing my decision did was to bring despair to me and him. Just one day before, we were smiling, cuddling, loving each other. We were happy, at least he was, because how could I when I knew what was going to happen the next day.

It's all gone now. There is no us anymore. No more love, no more Jimin, and no more happiness. I feel so worthless right now, it was all my fault but at the same time, did I have any other choice?

It's funny. How our life can turn upside down. How we are happy one moment, and the next moments we don't have tears to cry. We cry while missing the person, and those memories, his smile, his eyes when he smiled so hard, those melodic chuckles, and those nose scrunches. When he walks like a baby chicken, sometimes he even sounds like them. When he kisses you on your cheeks, foreheads, and nose. When he makes sure you know how much he loves you.

A little chuckle escaped from my mouth as memories once again filled my brains, taunting me beautifully while projecting in front of my eyes. I slowly wiped my tears and continued to watch outside. It became like my routine, to think about him, us, my mother, and to cry. Besides this, what am I supposed to do?

I took a deep breath, slowly it was getting hard for me to breathe as if my existence suffocated me. Even though I try to divert my mind from this by indulging myself in activities like painting, reading, sleeping, and simply watching TV but in the end, I'm where I had started. Dad tried his best too, he kept me busy by talking me out to the park, or stroll, sometimes dinners and lunch. We are bonding once again, he smiles when he's with me, we talk like a normal father and daughter and it makes me so happy, the only source of my happiness right now.

Nowadays, he paints a lot. Sometimes with me, sometimes alone. Maybe because he finally has some time for himself or maybe, the burden has been lifted from his shoulder, the burden he was carrying since I was born, or maybe since mom died.

Mother.

I thought my mother loved me the most, even dad said that but I don't think she ever loved me. Knowing that she didn't want me, she didn't love me made me feel so worthless, hurt, and sad. It worsened my situation and my mental state. I closed my eyes and choked on my tears, my heart clenched as I continued to cry. Once again, I felt my breaths getting shorter. I closed my eyes and took some deep breaths, trying to clear my mind but it didn't help much.

I sighed and slowly stood up from my bed. I grabbed my crutches and walked outside of my room. It has been a couple of weeks since my wrist and leg cast has been removed, but I still can't walk properly doctor recommended using crutches for a couple of weeks.

"Yejin," dad called me when he saw me near the door. "Where are you going?" He asked in confusion.

"Outside, just to clear my mind."

"I'll come with you."

"No dad, I want some alone time. Don't worry, I've my phone with me." I showed him my phone, he nodded and with this, I walked outside of my apartment. While waiting for the lift, my eyes fell on Sungo's apartment. During this time I met with Sungo's mom many times, whether it was a visit it simply in the lobby but never once did I see Sungo. After the visit to the hospital, it like he doesn't exist anymore, as if I'm not his friend anymore.

Not going to lie, but it hurts. It hurts so bad when Yoora broke friendship with me, it hurts when Sungo pretended like I didn't exist. But once again, what do I expect from Yoora? Knowing well how she hates cheaters, after all, she once experience how it felt to be cheated.
My thoughts came to halt when the elevator opened and I walked out of our building.

Now, where should I go? Park? Yes, a park would a good choice.

I asked myself as walked towards the bus stand. I decided it would be better if I just take the bus, it's better to ride than walk. I sat at the bus stand and soon the bus came. I climb it and sat on the window seat, staring at the road as the bus drove past. My hand clutched my phone tightly when I heard the vibration indicating somebody messaged me.

I knew what it was, probably some females calling me slut, whore, or cheater. Telling how I deserve to die or how they'll take revenge for their oppa. Or maybe it could be some horny males, telling how they would like to do things with me. I slowly opened my phone, and I was right. It was some people telling me to kill myself because I don't deserve to live. Some were as usual calling me names, and some were making cheap comments about me. I wasn't unfamiliar with this, it's like a daily routine now. But no matter how many times I get this kind of message, it hurts. It hurts me deeply when you know everyone around you wants you dead.

Tears blurred my vision as I deleted those messages. Once I was done, I sighed and closed my eyes, and rested my head against the window of the bus. I feel so tired, so worn out. Not physically but mentally and emotionally. Sometimes I wish to disappear so I don't have to bear anything.

But oh no, life's not that easy.

***

"Yah, wake up!" I jolt opened my eyes after hearing somebody yell. I looked around, still confused about where I was- then it hit me. I was on the bus, and I slept. My eyes roamed around, once a full bus was now empty- well expect me and the driver ajusshi.

"Get down- it's the last stop." He ordered me in an irritated tone. I dumbly nodded while wiping drool from the corner of my lips. I took out my purse from the back of my jeans, taking out some money I drop them in the box.

"What? This is not enough." He grumbled. I nodded and took out some more money, or I can say all the money I left. "Still not enough." His tone made me scared, and nervous. I clutched my crutches tightly and bowed apologetically.

"I'm sorry-"

"Whatever kid, get off." I hastily nodded and get off the bus. I stood in front of an unfamiliar place, I looked around while the bus drive off. Call it my luck, but there was no his stand, just benches. The whole atmosphere was eerie, and on top it was a bit creepy and deserted, it made me nervous but it soon disappeared when I looked around me. I stood there and watch people going in some sort of club? It was at the far end of the street if it wasn't due to its neon lighting and huge crowd one can't see it from the bus stand. I could hear faint music blasting from the club and I could mentally picture how they were enjoying themselves inside. Dancing, drinking, and living time of their lives.

I wish I was as lucky as them- but I'm not.

I sighed and took my eyes off the crowd. I walked towards and sat on the bench and put my crutches beside me.

"Well, let's send my location to dad and tell him to pick me up." I exhaled and tried to take out my phone from my pocket- my eyes widen my I met with an empty pocket. I panicked and tried to find my phone in my other pocket.

No, it can't be.

Last thing I remember I had my phone in my hand- wait. Did I forget my phone on the bus or somebody- either way I don't have my phone. I don't have any money with me, and I don't know where the fuck I'm, not I know anyone here.

"Fuck." A frustrated cry left my mouth. I covered my face and thought about every bad decision I took in my life. How can I be careless? I slept on the bus and then my phone is gone. So many bad things could have happened to me, and still, they can happen. Imagine coming in contact with drunk creepy men of the club. And not to forget- anything could have happened with me while I was on the bus- if my phone could get stolen from my hand, anything bad thing could have happened with me. If the bus driver wasn't that good- I could have ended up in the worst place.

I raised my head from my hands when I heard a group of friends passing. Once again my nervous mood shifted to a sad one as I saw them laughing, beer cans in one hand while they were talking and laughing with each other. While some girls were with their friends, some were with their boyfriend, I suppose. They were talking, were held by waist it simply busy kissing them.

A wave of panic washed over me as I watched them getting close to me. Even though I didn't know them, I still feel intimidating by them. I sighed when I watch them walk past me, good for me I didn't exist for them. They halt a bit far away from me, and then I realized, their cars were parked here. A thought screamed in the back of my mind, to approach them and asked for a phone, so I can call dad but again, I had that unknown fear brewing inside me. Somehow I couldn't gather the courage and with this, I watch them drive away.

How unlucky I'm.

I lost everything, from friends to best friends, from my boyfriend to my self-confidence. I'm so alone right now, so fucking alone. The pain I'm bearing right now, I'm bearing it all alone. Every second I feel like my heart and soul are on fire, it feels like I'm broken beyond repair, it feels like I'm living broken every day, and every day I'm losing a piece of myself because it's too much for me to carry.

I'm living all hollow.

I want him. How badly I wanna hug him how badly I wanna cry in Jimin's embrace. I wanna feel his soothing touch. His calm voice telling everything will be fine, everything is fine. I want Yoora, I just want her beside me. To pat my back while I'm crying, to tell me to tell doesn't hate me, to tell me she's here with me.

I laughed out loud my laugh echoed in the empty street. Why I did laugh like a mad person? Because it was funny. I wanted them but they aren't here for me, when I needed them in my life the most they aren't here. Well how could they, I cheated on my boyfriend, and since I'm a cheater Yoora hates me.

Suddenly thunder rumbled in the sky, along with lighting flashing, and soon the water descended from the thick clouds, drenching me entirely. It didn't bother me, I wasn't someone who would get afraid of thunder or lighting, rather I found it beautiful.

A tragic night turned into a sickly beautiful tragic night.

I sat there for a while, with a smile on my face while the rain drizzled on me, making me feel so light head. But soon my tears mixed with the falling water, a sob left from my mouth while my hands covered my crying face. The empty street filled with the harsh pitter-patter and loud sobs.

My world was filled with darkness, I was used to it. Then he came, with much more darkness with it. But soon, he lightened up my world, made me used to things which I wasn't familiar with. And now, he's going from my life I'm lost. I'm in the void with nowhere else to go. And now I feel like the void is not even expecting me, leaving in only one choice for me.

"Kill yourself, cheater."

"Go die whore."

"It would have been better if you would have died in that accident."

"Waste of space."

"You're nothing but a burden on the earth, do some favor and kys."

I heard all those messages I've received. Dying seems fun, at least I would not have to suffer this much. Sleep for eternity, no sadness no despair- but then again.

This is not a solution.

So, I just have to bear this? Until I give up? Until I'm broken beyond repair- wait I surpass that stage. I'm already broken, in minute pieces. Everything pains me, my soul, body mind and heart are begging for me to just end everything, end myself. They are right, I should have just died in that accident. And now my coward self is too scared to kill myself.

Yoora said Jimin was a coward.

She was wrong. Just imagine how much courage he had, that he stood in front of that car. But then again, how much pain did he feel that he fearlessly stood there? How much he was broken he was there that instead of bearing the heartbreak he decided to end all his misery.

I choked on my sob while clutching my throbbing heart. The look of betrayal in his eyes, the way he cried, and the way he didn't hesitate or look scared while standing in front of the car. He didn't care, he just to end all of his sufferings, he suffered so much, and it was because of me. I hurt him, broke his heart, break him into pieces. I've heard him sobbing, all night and day, met eyes through his dull lifeless eyes, and watch his soul-less alive body. I have made him dead inside.

Karma is bitch.

Once again, a chuckle left my mouth.

Karma has played too much with me. First, I fell for him. The same person I rejected harshly three years ago did the same with me. Then again, I became the reason for him to commit suicide and
look at me. I feel like I'm dying every day, losing a piece of myself every day; and I have lost myself so much that I can't live anymore. It suffocates me- I can't bear any more.

Karma is just enjoying, watching me suffer. It just wants to know how much it takes for me to break, crack and perish.

I covered my eyes. I hate it, I hate the way I'm thinking! My mind is a mess. I'm jumping from one thought to another. My mind is always occupied with these negative thoughts and they don't let me breathe.

Once again, I choked on my tears. Finding it hard to breathe, I gasped and coughed hardly while trying to breathe. The water harshly fell on my entire body, making my skin burn with every impact. My throat felt dry and my heart pumped fastly in my ribcage- and I felt I can't breathe anymore. I closed my eyes and tried to calm my shaking figure.

Calm down, take deep breaths.

I tried to calm myself and tried to take deep breaths. Focusing on the sound of rain, rather than its impact and my negative thoughts.

Think something else, something happy.

Jimin

His name popped into my mind, and once again I felt like crying. Once again that cycle began and once again I find myself in a maze of our memories. The way he smiles; his eye smile. He made me see the entire galaxy when he smile, covering his mouth, a most falling off from the chair. I smiled remembering how he laugh with his entire body.

The way he smells; lavender and cinnamon and sometimes baby powder. He secretly uses baby powder. I've seen it in his cabinet, he hides it left corner of the drawer.

His squishy cheeks, I remember how one time I couldn't resist the urge to bite his mochi cheek and bit his cheeks making him go all frenzy. Good thing I locked him in a tight hug so he couldn't escape. That day was one of the best days of my life. His cheeks were really like mochi. I remember how he looked shook when there was a red big hickey on his cheek. He covered it with a concealer the next day.

His nose; small, boopable, and cute. I quenched my urge to boop his nose many times. It's one of the best things to do, besides hugging kissing and cuddling with him.

How I felt myself on cloud nine when I used to kiss him, when I used to cuddle him after our study session or whenever I hugged him because he was too soft, and smelt so good. How my heart went wild when he used to say 'I love you' or just a simple kiss on my cheek or holding hands. Oh, how I used to live every moment when he told me how much he loved me, he when he showed how he loved me— it doesn't matter what form it was. Kisses, hugs, PDA, sweet talks, compliments, cuddling, making out sessions, horny sessions— gifts.

My swollen eyes fell on my right hand, the bracket he gave me on that day. Instill had it on my wrist. My fingertips caressed that red butterfly, and slowly I turned it around— I couldn't see it right now. Maybe because of rain, or my swollen eyes or bad lighting but I could feel it. The back of that butterfly was engraved his name, so small and delicate. I realized it after some days after my discharge from the hospital.
The same goes for the pendant as well.

"Liar." I chuckled once again. And once again, it didn't take much time for me to cry. Once again, my tears left from my swollen eyes and mixed with the rain. Once again the road was filled with my cries.

He didn't deserve this. I didn't deserve this. We didn't deserve this.

I brought my legs towards me and rested my face on them while my hands covered my face. I was feeling cold— from inside and outside. The cold breeze made my hair stand and now myth rain became harsher if that was possible— but it didn't matter. It was way too small from what I was going to through.

Somebody has said this right. No matter how hard we try, some stories don't have a happy ending. Just like our story, we were immature, we hurt each other, we made each others' life miserable, but once again we loved each other, we started to love ourselves, we were happy— but somehow we didn't end up together.

I hate myself, he hates me. He doesn't love me anymore— I mean who would I somebody cheats on you? Day by day, I'm getting destroyed and it's the same for him— maybe a lot more. You can never know how much someone is suffering. You can never know and understand what the other person is going through even if put yourself in their shoes— oh wait, the rain finally stopped.

The harsh rain halted— giving my skin some sort of relief— but if the rain stopped then why do I'm still hearing the pitter-patter of the rain. Panic spread throughout my body and I slowly raised my head from my head. The first thing my eyes saw was a wet road and a shiny pair of leather boots— and slowly my eyes followed the black pants and white shirt, and soon I was met with familiar pair of dull eyes. One hand held an umbrella above me, second was in his pocket. Jet black hair which was now shorter a couple of buttons was left open showing his neck and collar bones—something I liked to mark so much. Someone whom I used to adore so much— that someone whose thoughts I was in.

Jimin.

***
A/N

I promised to do a double update but count as I changed the chapter in the midway— :')

Please— this chapter is a bit messed but remember it is intentional. I want to portray Yejin's condition and thoughts properly and that's why it's like that.

It's her pov, this is why she is thinking this way.

Remember, suicide is not the answer. You are in pain, no one can understand it it didn't matter it will end with this. No, you'll pass this pain to people you love—  if you have to remember, I'm here for you okay.

Hopefully will update the next chapter soon.

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(Suffer with me)