CHAPTER ONE: SMALL

The word desire suggests that there is something we do not have. If we have everything already, then there can be no desire, for there is nothing left to want.
-Tom Robbins

The end of season football team meeting came faster than I expected, but it's always a week before the next season starts anyway. Moving just made everything seem like it's at a weird time.

Because Adonis apparently missed me, I spent the night at his house and got ready there this morning, meaning I slept like shit and didn't even get to go on a run or see Jasper at all.

I don't know why I'm nervous about Jasper seeing me in a suit, given he's seen me naked.

Maybe it's because he's also meeting Donny, who has no filter and likes to be as extravagantly affectionate as possible, and with him comes his best friend -who being around is always frustrating to me.

Atlas is going to be here too, over the past three months he's changed. Improved. His mental health took a rise and he got his priorities sorted. Even Jasper and his family is starting to like him, not that I think they'll ever admit it.

Our relationship is better too, of course we still bicker and occasionally fight, he's calling me 'Alphie' and I'm calling him his first name, but not his nickname.

He became a father, his wife, Grace Sawyer gave birth to a baby girl named Josephine Artemis Sawyer.

She is the cutest thing in the world, and unlike Donny when he had his kids, Atlas actually lets me interact with her before she's three. Just because of my tics. I got to hold her!

I feel like a real uncle.

A real brother.

It makes me realize that while Atlas has been on the mean side physically and sometimes teasing me with things that shouldn't be teased by- -like my dog tags- -he's always supported me and stuck up for me the most. It didn't seemed like he liked me, and I can see that but what I couldn't see before was that he always loved me.

Now... now when I look at Adonis I'm starting to realize that around him I've always felt like a burden, like he just tolerated me.

I don't like how my view of him is changing.

The homophobes on my team might have something to do with my bad anxiety but they're scared of me and Coach already has threatened them.

Why can't I tell what's making me so anxious? This is fucking dumb. 

But at this point it's too late to turn back, we're already at the campus.

Beckett Smith, Noelle's cousin on her mom's side, is Adonis's best friend.

And he's currently shooting me with a nerf gun, purely for his own enjoyment as I try to clean my glasses -a nervous habit of mine whenever I wear them. I've also undone my tie at least five times already.

That being the black bear one Ahmik got me, it's practically the only thing I'm confident about too.

Putting my glasses back on, I pull my phone out and ignore the idiot and Adonis who's chattering nonsense to me the best I can.

Still no text from Jasper.

Fuck, maybe he's lost.

Then again, his parents are coming- -simply because mine couldn't make it, Mama having an important client and Papa having a rather rough go at work with a new employee he's not willing to fire yet- -and his mom is nice enough to get the directions from even the meanest guys on my team in a heartbeat.

And there's signs everywhere.

Why am I forgetting -this is our college campus, we're literally on the football field that the janitors put some tables out on based on Coach Hakoda's instructions.

Even that klutz couldn't get lost right now.

All I know at the moment is that Fly is waiting for Niko with Hayes- -two of the guys I'm cool with on the team, he's friends with them and that's more of an excuse to wait at the exit for Scarlette too.

At that moment Atlas makes his presence known by wrapping an arm around Adonis's neck and giving him a noogie, then proceeding to bonk the top of my head with a closed fist. 

He grins and greets me and for the first time since we were teenagers his smile looks real. Something I didn't process much was that he's been going through cycles of depression for a long time.

I like being around him more.

The parents are happy with this -I don't think they ever thought we'd start getting along.

The rest of the time spent waiting just makes my anxiety worse and now I'm worried about how I look because even Atlas hasn't teased me more than calling me 'four-eyes' and affection-loving Adonis hasn't said anything either.

I feel stupid about feeling worried about this, but even more stupid for not being able to ask because every time I do, my mind freezes up.

"Atlas?" I tug on his arm, making him raise an eyebrow at me. "Can I wear your hoodie?"

The fucker is always warm, and his hoodie is tied around his middle right now anyway. Not like he needs it.

Atlas looks me over, arms crossing. "Are you even cold?"

From embarrassment alone, I flush and fiddle with the ends of the dress shirt sleeve. "I'm... um..."

I feel small.

And you can see my tattoos through the white dress shirt, which makes me paranoid that with my tan you can see my scars too.

Even my tank tops are looser than this, they let me move around completely and I never wear them with tight pants either. I've never felt pressured to look this good either, Adonis even tweaked my hair and it's not as messy as normal.

For some reason this all just feels wrong, like I shouldn't try to look good.

And I know I look smaller too, it's almost embarrassing when standing next to Fly how slim I am, when I play on the exact same team as him.

It's never bothered me this much before.

Maybe now it's because I want to look good, for Jasper, and I can't look in a mirror to check. I can't even ask. Circe would tell me, without me asking, though she'd probably rate it on a gay-or-ugly scale, but she'd still tell me.

Then again, I'm probably worrying for nothing. Jasper's not into me just because of my looks and if I look weird in what I consider fancy clothes, it's not like he's going to stop loving me.

"Don't worry about whatever you're thinking about, Cas." Donny tells me, poking me in the side as he interjects into the conversation. "First, I can tell you're not cold. Second, is that tall guy staring at you a creep or your boyfriend? Like, should I yell so he stops checking you out, or go introduce myself?"

Turning, I catch one glance of wide mint colored eyes before my blush goes past just my ears and my entire face starts to completely burn. Lifting my hand, I hold it over my face in a probably futile attempt to hide.

Ticing a few times just makes me flush harder as Jasper makes his way over to us, which just makes Atlas laugh quite openly at my reaction. Adonis crosses his arms.

Thank god Beckett busied himself collecting the nerf darts again.

Giving Adonis a small "Hi." Jasper comes right up to me, bumping his forehead into my own as he places his hands over my hips.

"You my star," His voice is all giggly and happy and it's adorable but they way his hands flex over me, squeezing is all too distracting. "Look absolutely gorgeous."

"Bit hot innit?" Raising my hand up, I slide my glasses back on and take a small breath. Trying to calm down doesn't work at all and I end up ticing, tapping on Jasper's chest and head dipping. "Bit hot, bit hot innit? You're, you-"

"Alright, alright, calm down." Adonis says, pulling at me. "Hold off on the couplie stuff for now, until announcements are over."

Jasper pouts at me, Atlas glares at our older brother, but neither of them say a word.

Eventually, my boyfriend tells me that his parents had Fly lead them over to our table and so they follow me back to the one me and Fly picked. It's the biggest one, but as team captain and a person you don't want punching you, most of the team didn't complain.

And Coach certainly wasn't going to move us, especially not for stupid Jake and Vance, who invited about four more people each than they were supposed to. Most being sorority girls, of course.

Because why wouldn't it be?

Sitting down, there's Scarlette next to her dads, Jasper's parents next to them, Jasper next to his dad, me, Atlas, an empty chair, Adonis, another empty chair and then Fly. Atlas's wife, Grace Sawyer, who is very much pregnant again but has baby Josephine to look after, is going to come later in the night.

And while Atlas is someone that Fly has hated to like, since we both have understood he's a good person with a shit personality sometimes- -but again, has changed so much in the past five months- -Adonis is someone who's always seemed off to my best friend.

Something I understand.

Atlas, he's been physical with me and sometimes a dick, but Adonis, everything wrong he does to me is verbal, mental. 

He's old enough to know what's wrong, he didn't have to grow up with Jonah up his ass or protect Nemesis from our 'grandparents'. I don't make excuses for him and Fly holds grudges. Not that Donny ever acts like anything is wrong anyway.

Something him and Atlas have in common, at the very least.

The most they differ is how Atlas has tried- -and succeeded to change- -but Adonis never does.

Surprisingly, Bar Red himself and Atlas actually are having a conversation about what it's like to have a baby while your wife is pregnant, and to have people be surprised you're a dad in the first place.

Adonis is talking to Coach Hakota about me. I block them out because there's enough boasting on both ends to make me feel sick.

Jasper's anxiously fiddling with my sleeve as he talks with his mom about just how much neither of them, or both of Scarlette's dads understand football. It's mentioned multiple times that they're proud of me, even if they don't know why to be other than I work hard.

Hard pass on that affection when I'm a ball of anxiety.

Scarlette and Fly, the happy crazy couple, are busy arguing about who can run faster and throughout it, I keep hearing the blond's ridiculing laughter over his girlfriend's opinion.

This just started.

And I'm already ready for it to be over.