*Josh*

I held the cigarette to my lips as I stood by the ocean. Inhaling, exhaling and deep breathing.

I stood away from the water but allowed the sand to roam my black boots as I watched the waves crash so roughly yet so simply.

I've been working later, smoking stronger and drinking deeper but the thoughts won't stop.
I can't stop thinking about her.

What is she up to?
What does she want?

I was getting what I want, sleeping with her. But I wanted more, I want all of her.
Was she going to give me that?

A part of me wanted to let her go, a part of me wanted her like the need to breathe.

Just how far was I willing to go?

I tossed the cigarette by my feet and rubbed it into the sand as I made my way towards my car and back to my mansion.

Once I arrived at the mansion, I had a habit. A habit of standing by Ella's old room and just staring at the closed door. I could imagine her standing behind the door, inside the now empty room. Her eyes wide and round, her hair hanging off her shoulders as she twiddles her fingers in a white robe.

Maybe I was imagining too much, or maybe I was just wishing it was real.

What came to mind, to hurt her until I lost her?

I walked past her room but then stopped a few steps away. I took a deep breath and broke a somewhat promise I had made. I turned back around and entered the room.
The white bed sheets and completely empty room, is all I could see.
I guess.

My eyes would transition red bedsheets, bedheads covered in perfume, cupboards full of clothes and an open window with somewhat a shower head running.

Maybe I was wishing too hard for my soul or maybe I was reminiscing times I had wished I cherished.

I ran my fingers along the white bedsheets, making my way around to the pillows and squeezing them rather gently.

Within a click of a finger, the pillows were across the room and the bed all over the place.

"Josh!" Lana walked in.

I turned to face her, panting as the messy bed positioned behind me.

She shook her head.

Deep down, I knew that somewhere inside of her could see through me and that my shield had now grown weak.

I didn't know what I felt, but I wasn't okay. I was far from okay and I had been gulping lumps in my throat for the last...year.

How far...just how far was I willing to go for someone who know can be seen in my nightmares?

I shook my head at Lana, she took a few steps towards me but I took a step back.
She stopped and gulped.

I didn't know whether I wanted to get physical and just let all this consumed anger out, or if I just wanted to hear three simple words.
"You'll be okay"

I walked past Lana and left the mansion, finding myself by Ella's penthouse.

I buzzed myself in and watched as she walked back over towards the couch after letting me in.

It was almost like she no longer cares how I came or what I did.

"Tell me Ella" I walked towards the lounge room and taking a seat.

"Hm" she hummed as she flicked through the tv.

"Tell me what the fuck you want Ella"

Ella put the remote down and looked at me with a frown before laughing. "What I want?"

"I don't understand you, one minute you're all over me and the next you're hitting me...what do you want?"

"You're the one always coming to me" she simply said.

It's not like I have a choice. I feel something I've never felt before and until I rest, I'm going to keep finding my way here.
"I'm tired" I simply said, for the first time actually exposing my inner self to someone I barley understand anymore.

"Tired?" Ella chuckled in somewhat anger "Tired huh" she nodded.

"Tired"

"Well you know what?" She stood up "Fuck you Josh" she pointed my way "For all those days I told you I'm tired, stop or I'm scared or lost or whatever. Fuck you, fuck you yeah"

I licked my bottom lip. I hated when someone yelled at me, it drove my inner demons mad.
I shook my head as I looked down at my feet.

"Oh so now you have nothing to say?" she continued "Now huh" she laughed "You come to me and tell me you're tired, from what, Josh...from what?!"

I looked up at her and frowned.

"Tired?" She began to sound angrier "You haven't experienced a second of what I went through. Tired?" she continued to laugh in such an anger manner "Tired" she continued to repeat before she ran her fingers through her hair as it tied down in a loose bun.

"See, I say one thing and you attack me like I got physical with you" I said, clearing my chest.

"One thing?" she chuckled as she shook her head "I want to kill you so bad"

Once she had said that, I reached through my jacket and to my backside, grabbing my gun and loading it before sliding it across the floor.
"Do it" I opened my hands wide enough for her have an easy shot through my chest "So do it"

"You're so fucking sick, you know?"

"Tell me something I don't fucking know Ella!" I yelled, finally releasing myself "Don't tell me one day I'm here fucking you and the next were arguing. Don't tell me! Because I know!"

"So if you know why won't you change!" she yelled back.

"Because change doesn't happen over night!" I dropped my hands by my side "You fear change when people around you won't fucking commit. It's hard to change when you pull one string of a change and everyone else doesn't know how to respond!"

Ella gulped, panting from all the yelling as she looked right through my fuming eyes.

"I'm tired" she whispered "I'm tired, not you" her eyes began to form tears ready to release "I'm tired from sitting here and waiting for things I could only imagine to happen" her voice began to tremble.

I didn't want to see her cry, because she was my weakness and I'd fall apart right here.

"But you know what Josh" she gulped, sniffing. "I'm no longer playing the victim. This time, I'm the one laughing"

I frowned.

"You don't know what tired feels like until you're standing in front of the mirror with a knife against your veins and your begging your inner self to do it but something tells you to keep trying, it's not over yet" she stood up in posture "That's tired"

I held my frown, hearing my own heart beat through my chest.

"And I'm not going to be the one to tell you to keep trying, it'll be okay. Because you never did, and you lost the advantage of that"

"What are you trying to say?"

"I'm saying that the game is still on, my game. This isn't over Josh, until I find out about everything and why you are the way you are, I'm not going to rest. Because I want you to feel exactly how I feel every time a scar on my body re-opens"

I took a deep breath and for the first time, I felt weak and unable to do a solid thing.

Ella kicked the gun back towards me.
"I'm not going to pull that trigger, but one day, you'll stand blankly alone with the gun against your head and you'll wish I did. Because I can guarantee to you that pain is unbearable but you still can't take your own life. That's when you know, you've lost Josh"

I was beginning to feel everything I put her through, but why couldn't she understand how my heart aches throughout it all?

I bent down and picked up my gun.
"The only blood you've caused is in self defence of stabbing a guy" I turned around to face the door "The blood I've caused was quick death and blood from the closest ones to me" I walked over towards the door "So what tells you, Ella" I stood by the door and looked over my shoulder "That taking my own life is hard?"

Ella gulped from a distance "It isn't" she whispered as I heard from the silence around "Because devils were made to bow down to angels since the very beginning"

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FIRST THING IS FIRST I KNOW ITS A VERYUU LATE UPDATE!!!! IM SORRY I JUST HAD A SHORT PERIOD OF PERSONAL ISSUES BUT I THINK IM OKAY TO RIGHT NOW!!!!

so i made that quote up myself "because devils were meant to bow down to angels since the very beginning"
in other words its like saying, its her game now. Shes always been the angel and he has been the devil, throughout book 1 she was obeying him but since the very start, angels have always been winners and no matter what devils will always be at their feet and without the love of the angel, the devil will beg to kill itself.

Anyways, Love yall and sorry once again.

Mia x