VIII

I make the change that I need

I CAME TO with a gasp.

Dark walls greet me, and I jolt upright, startled, as my eyes flit from left to right and back, surveying the room. The same walls. The same keyboard in the corner. No bookshelves. It's the same dreary home I had before everything went south.

I'm back?

In my real world?

I check my phone for the time and I freeze when I notice the date. My heart almost stops. It's three days before the visit at the orphanage.

Before his accident.

I blink once, twice, because it can't have been right.

Did I go back in time when I returned to this world? Or has everything been a dream?

But they're so vivid... so crisp... that I'm sure they're real. I can still hear them, feel them. It can't have been...

I hear the sounds of movements from downstairs. Without reorienting myself, I jump out of the bed and almost fly down the stairs.

It's my mother that I see first, already by the door putting on her shoes. My father is right behind her, fastening his watch.

They turn to me, brows raised, startled at the suddenness of how I rush to them.

"Mom! Dad!" I scream, ignoring their confusion, and run to embrace them. I squeeze myself right between them, holding them with my arms, burying my face in their shoulder blades.

My dad clears my throat and awkwardly taps my head. "Isn't this too much for a morning greeting? What's up?"

My initial urge is to step back, cower, and run back to my room. Forget I ever did this. Hide behind my walls once again.

But I remember the other world and what could be.

So I shake my head, smiling. I look at them in the eyes. "I'm wondering if you want to have dinner date tonight? Together?"

My mother raises her brow, exchanging glances with my father with an odd expression on her face.

I'm afraid she'd reject me, but then she draws a sigh and nods.

"I think I can come home early tonight. I can prepare-"

"No need-" I cut her off. "Just come home. I'll make sure everything is ready before you get home."

They exchange glances once again, and I note how the tension on their shoulders dissipate.

My dad places a hand on top of my head. "Something's different about you. But whatever it is, keep at it. We'll be home before dinner."

"Great! I'll see you tonight."

Once they're gone, I quickly prepare for the university. I don't care if it's a dream or a miracle.

I'm determined to do right this time.

When my phone flashes and his name appears on the screen - like how I remembered it to be - strong conviction grips my heart.

Alas:

Wanna eat breakfast together?

Last time, I'd given a flat no and ignored him for the rest of the day.

But I've been given a second chance. I won't make the same mistake twice.

Me:

Wait for me at the gate.

Alas:

Are you serious?

Me:

Gate, okay? I'll be there in an hour.

Alas:

See you, Chari <3

I reach the gate ten minutes before the time. It's the fastest I've ever moved and biked in my whole life, but it's fine. This is Alas. I'm finally seeing him again. My Alas. The one that knows me.

I wait at the gate, fingers fidgety, and heart pounding with anticipation. I keep shifting my weight from one foot to another. I'm bouncing with energy, and it feels like there are tears pricking my eyes.

When I swipe them with the heel of my hand, I notice that Alas is already jogging his way toward me, a huge smile on his face.

He speaks before I can even greet him. "Hey! I can't believe you said yes! Actually, I'm shocked that you even replied to me."

I want to hug him-I do. Want to apologize for all the things I've said and done to him. Beg for a chance to be with him more. I was an asshole when he'd been nothing but good to me.

I want to tell him that I want a second chance, but my body won't move as I'd like it to.

Instead, I'm frozen, my eyes wide as I take in every inch of him. I become mildly aware of how fast my breaths have become, and so does Alas because his brows furrow in worry.

"Chari? Are you okay?"

I choke back a sob. "Peachy," I end up saying because what else can I say to one that almost feels like a ghost? "Where do you wanna eat?"

Alas grins and pushes up a paper bag into my view. "I already bought our food on my way here. Wanna go to the rooftop? What time's your morning class?"

"It's fine. I can cut class."

He looks at me oddly but he nods anyway. He checks his watch. "I have two hours free time. But are you sure you're okay with this?"

"It doesn't matter. I can skip this class."

His grin broadens. "Don't expect me to say no. I know you think I'm good and all, but there's no way I'm passing up this chance." He adds, "So? Rooftop?"

I nod-and then we are entering the campus grounds. Alas leads me to the Med building and then to the rooftop. I follow absentmindedly because I'm still shocked-amazed-to think that this is really happening.

He's really here, so close into my reach.

The sun is warm in my skin when he asks me to sit beside him. Neatly, he places the food between us, the smile never leaving his face. I don't know what he's so excited about. His happiness is so plain on his face that it's sending my heart into a frenzy.

My anxiety worsens. I don't want to lose him again. God, how did I go on before without seeing that smile?

"Are you sure you're okay?" Alas asks after seconds of my stunned silence.

I blink at him, and then at the fastfood meal he's holding out to me. "I-yes."

"Do you feel sick or something?" He makes a move to touch my forehead. My initial reflex is to move away-avoid his touch, but then I caught myself. I allow the skin to skin contact-letting the warmth of his palm burn me in ways I never thought was possible. He raises his palm to his own forehead and compares our temperature. "Strange. You seem flushed, but you don't look like you have fever."

I don't know how to respond. I'm lost, confused, and million questions are racing through my head.

"What's your dream?" I blurt out.

Of so many things to ask, this one pushes past my lips first. Alas' eyes widen. So do mine.

He withdraws his hand, seemingly surprised at my random question. But then he smiles-he always smiles-as he mulls it over.

"Me? I want to be an architect. Create lots of good, comfortable homes for people. A warm home creates a warm family, I believe. But I'm taking med school because I also want to help more people. What about you?"

"I don't know . . ." I mutter quietly. "Is that weird?"

"No. It just hasn't occurred to you yet but you'll find it soon enough."

That world flashes back in my head, where I had everything I ever dreamt of but him. I shake the thoughts away.

I stare at the meal, confused over what else to say next. We've never been like this before. I don't know how to act around him without pushing him away.

"Don't you like it?"

"I-no," I say on automatic. "This is good. Thank you."

"Wow. That's a first."

I look back up at him. "What is?"

He tilts his head, studying me closely. "You, thanking me. Being this nice to me. It's almost like a dream come true."

It's also my dream coming true, I want to say but I hold back my tongue.

"I'm sorry." I hang my head low. "I didn't mean to be a jerk to you. I just don't-"

"-know how to let people in-I know."

"How did you know?"

"It's not hard to figure out, Chari," he says, and then he lets out a deep breath, shoulders relaxing. He places his own untouched meal down on the side. "C'mon, tell me. I want to know."

My mind goes blank. "What?"

"I know you have something to tell me. I can see it in your face," he explains gently. "You can tell me. It's okay."

His eyes are boring into mine, patient and understanding, and before I know it, I'm blinking back tears.

I can't tell him-he's gonna think I'm insane! But then the words flow out before I can stop myself.

"I know I'm gonna sound crazy"-My heart is skidding hard and fast in my chest, and I take a deep, shaky breath to recompose myself-"But I'm not from here. I've been to the future, and Alas, you..."

His forehead creases in confusion. "What about me?"

I break, shattering into thousand pieces. I can't say it-not in front of his face. Alas notices how badly I'm shaking, because he takes my meal and sets it aside, so he can scoot closer and hold me in his embrace.

I didn't realize I was crying until the tears flood out and I'm clinging to his shirt.

"What about me, Chari?" he prods softly.

"You... you..." I say in between sobs. The pent-up grief that I've never acknowledged now bursts out of my chest. "You died. You left me."

"I see..." His grip around me tightens, like a protective embrace, like he's trying to shield me from my own feelings. "And?"

"We went to the orphanage-the one we'll go to a few days from now. We talked at the entrance. A girl climbed out of the jeepney and dropped her toy. At exactly 4:45 p.m., the bus came... but you pushed her away. And then you were gone...just like that..."

I stifle another sob.

Alas lifts a hand to the back of my head. "What about the girl? Was she safe?"

"What-yes, yes, she was safe," I say, surprised at what he chose to focus on. "You saved her."

"What about you? Were you safe?"

I pull away to look at him. Is he for real? "Yes, but is that what's important? I just told you you're gonna die! I know it sounds crazy, but I've seen it! That's why I'm here! Because I don't want you to die!"

"Shh." His hand reaches forward to wipe away my tears. "Don't cry. I believe you."

My breath hitches. "You believe me? Everything I said?"

"Yeah? You're not the type to lie about this and I'm not kidding when I said you looked different. There's something different in your eyes," he says. "You look, I dunno, alive? But alive with fear. Now I know why."

Then a smile flits across his face again.

I frown. "What's so amusing?"

"Nothing. I just realized..." His smile widens into a grin. "...that you care about me after all."

I can't answer, can't bring myself to. Emotions and words aren't my strongest suit, but damn. Dammit, he's right. I do care. I care far more than I should. I care in ways that are frightening and exhilarating.

I care for him more than I care for anyone else.

But why can't I say it? Why is it so hard to say?

"I-I-" I stammer, trying to push myself to bring the words out but failing miserably.

He takes my hand and squeezes it. "You don't have to force yourself to say anything. I already knew a long time ago. I've learned to read you in your silence and I know what your various and different responses mean. But it means the world to me that you've tried. Chari, I want you to know. You mean the world to me."

Dior's words echo back in my mind. He loved you.

I swallow back the lump in my throat. "I know. And I appreciate it. I'm grateful." I step forward, tugging at the sleeves of his shirt. "Please, don't go to the orphanage. Stay at home where it's safe."

He gives me an apologetic look. "We can't. The kids will be waiting." He adds quickly when he sees the shift in my expression, "But I know what's gonna happen now so don't be scared. There's plenty of time to think about what we can do now." Then he curses. "Damn, baby, stop crying."

He pulls me into his arms again. I can't say anything but my hands clench around the fabric of his shirt, shaking, afraid to let go. I soak up all the warmth his body is giving, desperate to protect it, desperate to save it.

This is who Alas is. The sun in my bleak life. The many shades of colors in my monochrome. The only warmth I know and have come to depend on.

"I'm scared..." to lose you.

"You don't have to be. Everything that will happen now will be our choice. I'm grateful, you know. Because we've been given another chance. Because you're here with me now."

"Alas, I-"

"Yes?"

I love you. But I hold back.

I can't say it-I just can't.

"Why are you so good to me when I've been nothing but awful to you? Back when we met in med school, when everyone else was busy making friends with each other and I was left all alone in the corner, you were the first to approach me. When I messed up my reports and wanted to cry in shame, you looked for me and comforted me. When I hated my family and wanted to be all alone, you were there, watching from afar, giving me your company when I didn't ask for it. You were always there even when I wasn't looking. Why?"

"You remember all of that."

There's a stunned look on his face when he says that.

"How can I forget?"

"I thought you weren't paying attention."

My brows draw closer. "How can I not pay attention?"

"You're right. A writer pays attention to details and you make one heck of a writer," he smiles, his eyes sparkling teasingly.

"You've never even read my stuff."

There's a mysterious smile now ghosting over his face, but he doesn't answer my questions. "We should go eat our breakfast before it gets cold."

A beat passes. I pointedly stare at him to coax an answer out of him, but he doesn't offer any.

"Are you really going to the orphanage? After what I said?"

"Yes..."

My heart almost stutters.

Alas squeezes my hand. "We can't just run away from this. Sometimes, the only choice we have is to face everything bravely and move forward. Who knows? Maybe things can change."

He sounds so decided that I have no choice but to deflate and let it go.

We never talk about it again.

I'm tired and emotionally worn out when I reach home. But I'm also brimming with a tiny seed of hope because while I don't trust myself, I know I can trust Alas. If he said that that things could be different this time around, then I choose to believe him.

As I prepare the dinner, just as I'd promised to my parents earlier, Kalis manifests from out of nowhere again.

"You are back," he comments, his unblinking eyes set on mine.

I reply with a nod.

"Are you sure it was wise to tell him of what's gonna come?"

"I'm not losing him again," I answer confidently.

"Very well. I pray you've made the right choice."

I hesitate, the knife I'm holding hovering in the air before I place it down. "Kalis, I want to ask. How did I get out of that world? You said I came in there myself. How did I get myself out?"

"That world is the answer to your letter, Charity. It is a world you made to escape this reality. Everyone in that world is you-all versions of you. When you saved Luna, you saved yourself. Your lack of regard for life brought you there. Your newfound value for life brought you back here."

I don't understand it-but his words sink into me, taking root, festering.

I saved myself.

Those words are charged, like they mean something else entirely, and it electrifies me.

"In wanting to live, you found your way back to where you truly belong."

"And that's here. With my family. With Alas."

Kalis smiles but says nothing else. And then he disappears completely.

It's the last time I'll ever get to see him again.