VII

You are the reflection of who I want to be.

I RUN TO the well like a woman starved. I drop all the coins that I have and all the letters I can make.

I make a wish, over and over, but nothing.

Only silence follows.

In this world, the retreat house is abandoned. Aside from three stray cats, I'm alone here-again.

"So you've decided," a voice says from behind.

I turn to see Kalis, the Wolf, staring at me with his penetrating eyes.

"You want to leave?"

I nod. "I don't belong here. This is a fake world. I can't be here."

"If you don't want to be here, and you don't want to be in the other world as well, where would you go, Charity?"

Tears begin to stream down my face. "I was wrong. and I realize now that I've made a mistake. Please, please. Take me back."

The Wolf shakes his head. "Apologies, little one. I did not bring you here. Only you can find your way out."

"How? I've tried everything! It's that damn well that granted my wish. Why won't it whisk me out of here now?"

The Wolf doesn't answer-and then he disappears altogether.

Hopeless and desperate, I fall to my knees, feeling a wave of nausea hitting me.

I cry for what feels like a stretch of eternity. I cry and cry until my tears run dry.

And then I start to retrace the last moments of my life in the other world. The retreat. The conversation. The letter. The silence. The room. Suddenly, everything becomes clear to me. Although it was the well that granted my wish, it wasn't my last destination.

The realization crashes over me like a snowstorm, and I gasp as I look up at the building.

There.

That's where I've done it. The room. My room.

I jumped to my death and then woke up here.

If I jump again, would I wake up there?

Adrenaline refuelling my resolve, I make my way up and go exactly where I tried to end it.

With the exact same steps, I retrace my actions. I unbolt the window and open it. Slowly, I step onto the roof and take a deep breath.

I look up, at the darkening skies, and then on the ground.

Just one jump, and it can end. Just one jump, and I can come home again.

But why am I hesitating now?

Why am I suddenly afraid?

"Kalis... if you can hear me... I want to know. If I jump now, is there a possibility that I will die?"

As expected, only silence answers my question.

My lips quiver as I continue to look down.

And then Alas suddenly fills my head. His voice. His smile. His warmth. Then there's Luna. Sweet, friendly Luna.

My mind then settles on my parents. Their smiles, their laughter. Our home.

Our family.

Everything I wanted.

What's gonna happen to this world when I leave?

Moreover, what's gonna happen if I actually die in the process?

Will I never get the chance to return home at all? Will I never get to see... if my true family... can become the family that I saw in this world... if I try hard enough?

Is there no chance at all?

I don't want to die, my thoughts suddenly echo in my head. I want to turn my life around and make the right choices this time around.

I want another chance.

I want to give myself a chance. I want to give my family a chance.

Please, let me live. Let me come home.

Sighing, I back away and step out of the roof. I jump back into the room, and with a shaking body, almost collapse onto the bed.

I can't do it. I'm afraid to ruin the one chance I have.

I need to find another way.

***

When I return home, my parents engulf me in a hug.

I let them.

In my head, I keep thinking.

I want this.

I want to have this with my real family.

I need to find a way to return without jeopardizing my life again.

***

Despite my rising anxiety, the life here continues to move.

I'm trapped, but this world keeps on turning and spinning, and I'm forced to live through each day as I find a way to escape.

At nights, the suffocation in my chest threatens to take over, but this time, I wrestle with the darkness.

I can't let it destroy me anymore.

At days, I try to live a little. Make do with what I have. Appreciate the little borrowed moments I'm given.

I can't be friends with Alas here. It's too painful, knowing that he's not the one I know. But that doesn't stop me from seeking him out-from stealing little glances until I'm satisfied and ready to go on again.

In this fake world, he's the spark that ignites my will to live.

He's the reminder that I shouldn't give up.

Alas, who loves others so much. Alas, who values life so much.

I drink him in and take my fill so I'll never forget that I must come home.

I search through every means available. The internet, the libraries. I even ask around. No one knows the way.

But I keep looking until I get tired.

On such days, I go up to the school rooftops to take a breath. Luna usually keeps me company.

She doesn't understand what I'm doing, but she helps anyway. She comforts me, encourages me, and even cheers me up.

At times, she even provides the leads.

Sweet Luna has become my only true friend here. Something I never had even in the real world.

"C'mon, Chari. It's getting dark. It's time to go home," she calls out, packing away her snacks and rising to her feet.

I take one last look at the campus grounds, taking in the the setting sun overhead, and nod. The air is beginning to turn colder.

Luna's the first to reach the stairs. It's dark here, and she missteps. As she slips, time seems to have slowed down for me.

I see a rapid succession of images and my breath hitches. Luna slipping. Luna hitting her head hard. Luna getting rushed to the hospital. Luna dying.

When the vision stops, I'm already grabbing her hand.

Without thinking, I pull her to myself and cushion her fall with my body.

It's my body that hits the floor.

It's my head that cracks against the stairs.

It's Luna who's now crying over me.

But I can barely see her anymore because my consciousness is failing.

Am I dying?

After all this time, after all that effort, will I die in the end?

"Don't... cry," I manage to say.

Because it's okay.

I wanted to live, I remember in those moments. But I also remember Alas, who doesn't think twice in sacrificing his life for others.

It's Alas that I remember, and the pain I felt after losing him.

I can't lose another friend.

This is okay.

This time, I'll be okay.