thank you all for your lovely comments on the last chapter, i appreciate you guys sharing your thoughts!!

if you didn't drop a comment, that's okay, thank you so so so much for reading. i appreciate the support nonetheless.

this one's a bit long once again, but enjoy the chapter x

*

The first and only time Reed kissed Roden was back in twelfth grade.

Roden was taking Reed home after celebrating the end of their finals week and their graduation nearing with some of their friends. Having had a little too much to drink, Reed was well past the tipsy state, unable to walk in a straight line, her face flushed, eyes lost and glossy. Roden knew Reed couldn't handle her liquor well, but when Reed's already taken a few shots, she gets a little bolder, a little braver, a little more addicted to the alcohol.

Being sober himself (one of them has to be, plus, he was too busy watching over Reed to drink), he carried her around his back. Her face was tilted towards his neck, and Roden could feel her breath ghosting against his skin. He swallowed hard and said, "You shouldn't have drank so much. I should've stopped you."

"It was fun," Reed complained quietly. "I'd have smacked you if you took the drinks..."

Roden laughed and tightened his arms around her legs. She wrapped her own around his neck more securely and nuzzled against his face. "You would've done that to me? You sure?"

"No," she said, drawing the word out. "I...would never hurt you."

Roden, at that time, seriously doubted it. At one point or another, they're going to hurt (not in a physical sense, of course) each other—whether it's intentional or not. He nodded instead. "I would never hurt you too."

"I know."

The rest of the walk was spent in silence. Once in front of Reed's house, Roden gently set her on the ground and held her hands in case she wobbled on her feet. "Your mom's gonna kill me."

"I won't let her," Reed assured him with a sleepy smile, eyes closed. 

Roden interlaced his fingers with hers.

"Roden."

"Yes?"

"I'll call you if I remember."

He raised an eyebrow. "Remember what?"

Instead of answering, Reed pulled him towards her with one tug, and without time to react, she leaned up on her tiptoes, took his face in her hands, and kissed him slow and sweet.

"Goodnight," she said when she pulled away from him, eyes still closed. There's a wider smile on her lips. "Thank you for taking me home."

Roden was just there, frozen to his spot, eyes wide with surprise. His heartbeat was so loud that he could actually hear it, and he was pretty sure his legs were shaking. "Uh, yeah, goodnight."

He waited until she was safely inside before leaving.

The next day, she didn't call.

*

Day 1 after the Fight:

Roden's been replaying the conversation he had with Reed yesterday, but his head is a mess and all of it's a confusing blur, like it never really happened in the first place. The only indication that it did is Knox assuring him that they are, indeed, in a Fight. Capital F to emphasize the seriousness of Roden's fuck-up.

Knox asks if he's sure he won't consider the surgery. Roden says no surgery. Knox nods and leaves the room.

Day 2 after the Fight:

Where did it go wrong? What did he say to piss her off that much? He said nothing but the truth, after all, and Reed's too blind to see the kind of relationship she has with Aaron. Blind. She said something about Roden being blind when he asked her about Lacy. What was it?

Knox comes in his room and asks again. Roden says no. Knox leaves.

Day 3 after the Fight:

Roden caught a glimpse of her in school today. She was obviously running to catch her next class, so instead of demanding her to talk to him, he stayed frozen on the spot and let her pass him without a word.

Over dinner, Knox asks, "No surgery?"

Roden sighs. "No."

"Okay. It's your turn to do the dishes."

Day 4 after the Fight:

Roden looks at himself in the mirror.

He's miserable. And because of it, he's retching more flowers than before that the bathroom's taken a new profession—to be a garden instead. The vines are spreading faster. Reaching farther.

There are thorns enveloping his lungs like barbed wire, the roots of the plant finally digging themselves further into his heart. There's poison on his lips, and the blue-green lines snake angrily across the pale skin of his chest and down his ribcage—they now wrap around the planes of his back and past his collarbone and shoulders. It's an ugly and pitiful sight, to be honest.

He still doesn't understand what he and Reed fought about. When he asks Knox, his best friend says, "Both of you were being jealous little shits. No surgery?"

Roden gets pissed and chucks an eraser in his direction. Knox closes the door, and the eraser hits the knob and falls to the ground.

Day 5 after the Fight:

When Reed is upset, she likes to clean until the place is spotless.

When Roden is upset, he likes to swim, but given the circumstances, he can't even do anything right now. He didn't attend class today, and he's behind on most of his school work for resting so much at home after painful episodes of throwing up flowers.

So when Roden is upset, he likes to get mad at books.

"Fuck the flowers," he tells it, knocking his fist against the cover harshly. "Fuck this shit. Fuck you. Fuck everything." Roden throws the book on the ground and kicks it. It's the seventh book he's kicked.

"I don't think the books can help you make up with Reed," Knox says carefully.

"They're supposed to know everything," Roden mutters childishly. And only out of spite, he kicks the book again. "Fuck everything."

Knox clears his throat. "The book is asking if you'd like to have the surgery."

"Tell the book to shut the fuck up."

"...it says that just because you have a dick doesn't mean you have to act like one."

Day 6 after the Fight:

Roden's tired.

He misses Reed.

Day 7 after the Fight:

"I take it you still haven't changed your mind?" Knox asks.

This time, there's no hopefulness in his voice or eyes.

But no matter how hard his best friend tries, Roden's answer is still the same. "No surgery."

Knox nods.

"You giving up?"

"Once you set your mind to something, there's no changing it," he says quietly. "Don't even know why I bother asking anymore."

Roden bites his lip. Looks down, and for the first time in a while, actually feels guilty. "I'm sorry, Knox."

"Sorry won't stop you from dying," he says, gaze hardening. "I hate you so fucking much."

Roden understands what Knox is trying to say.

Don't leave me.

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah." Knox stands and turns to leave. Doesn't even look at him when he murmurs, "I know."

Day 8 after the Fight:

Roden's had enough of this shit. He takes the stairs two at a time and bangs his palm against the door. "Reed, open up. I know you're in there."

No answer. Roden clenches his jaw. "Reed, fucking hell, if you don't come out right now, I swear to God—"

He stops abruptly when the door is slammed open, and Reed comes out with hands frantically trying to push him away. "Go, go, go now," she tells him in a broken voice, and Roden takes a good look at her face. Her eyes are swollen with tears and one side of her cheek is red, like it's been hit. "We'll talk tomorrow, I promise, please just go. Now."

"Reed, what the fuck—"

Reed shakes her head, and there are more tears spilling down her face, and she pushes him one last time. "Leave and I promise you we'll talk tomorrow. Please."

She closes the door in his face.

His heart is screaming at him to stay, but Roden's feet move on their own.

They'll talk tomorrow. She promised.

Day 9 after the Fight:

When Reed finally comes, it's half past eleven in the evening, and they don't even exchange a word before Roden's tugging her arm and pulling her towards him in a tight hug. He inhales deeply at the feeling of warmth that immediately surrounds his senses with having Reed so close like this—like he's been starved of water and it's the first sip he's taken in years. "Can we agree to never fight like that again?"

"I'm sorry," Reed says first, head burying itself into his neck. "I was supposed to come over and apologize the other day but I...I chickened out while I was standing outside your door. Then yesterday..."

"Explain."

She doesn't say anything for a while. Just breathes in and out slowly. Roden pulls away, eyebrows drawn together in worry. "Reed?"

She steps back and wipes her eyes with the back of her palm. "Aaron got mad yesterday."

"I kind of figured. Did he hurt you?"

"He slapped me."

The hands behind his back ball themselves into fists, and his nails dig hard against his palm that he's sure they'll cut the skin open. "I'm pretty sure I warned the fucker what's coming for him if he ever hurt you."

"It was my fault," Reed says with a humorless laugh. "I made him mad."

"It. Doesn't. Matter. If the fucker was mad he should've left the fucking room, he shouldn't have laid a hand on you."

"Please, let's just...let's just talk about what happened with us then I'll explain why he got angry."

"I don't really care about why the asshole got angry but okay, I need to calm down so I don't leave and fuck that sorry piece of shit up."

She smiles. "Protective as ever. Don't think you're in the right state to do that, though. Are you feeling well? You look sicker than the last time I saw you, you're very pale."

Ignoring her question, Roden grumbles, "Knox will do it. For the both of us."

"I'm sure he will." She tucks her hair beneath her ear and looks down. "I, um, the fight we had."

"I—"

"Don't," Reed cuts him off, holding up a hand. "Shut up for a second and listen to me. Please?"

Roden shuts up.

"Thank you. I'd like to—I want to explain my behavior and how I acted."

Roden nods and encourages her to go on.

Reed bites her lip. "I've accepted that you'll probably hate me after this. The reason why I've been chickening out for the past few days was because I was scared you won't want to see me again."

What? "Reed—"

"I was being immature and insensitive because I was jealous of Lacy," Reed says in a rush before Roden can get another word out, cheeks flushing a little. "I always have been."

It takes a while before Roden can respond. He inhales sharply and asks, "Why?"

Because it doesn't make sense. Because it's impossible.

She looks up at him and whispers, "Because she got to love you without being afraid."

Roden blinks four times. He's confused, he's lost, he doesn't know what to think, and he needs answers. Now. "What do you mean?"

"I think you understand, Roden," Reed says quietly, a hesitant smile on her lips. "I'm as much as a coward as it is. Two years has given me plenty of time to think, you know? To think about the what if."

He's still confused, he's still lost, and he still needs answers, but before he could open his mouth, Reed continues, "It wasn't right of me to hate Lacy because of it. I...I actually hated myself for being so afraid."

"Do you remember, then?" Roden demands with his jaw clenched, eyes hard and questioning. "When you kissed me. Do you remember?"

"Of course I do," she admits, voice breaking. "Of course I remember."

"Then why didn't you call?"

"I told you. I was afraid."

"I don't fucking understand."

Reed stares at him for a long time with an unreadable expression on her face. Roden's just about to pull his hair out from confusion and frustration. "What would've happened if I fell in love with you two years ago? A year ago? Before Lacy? After Lacy?"

Roden stares at her.

"I've always come this close," Reed tells him, holding up her hand with the index finger dangerously near to the thumb, "to being in love with you, Roden."

He's pretty sure his heart stops beating.

"I've always stopped myself," she continues in a low tone, looking down at her feet, "because I'm scared of the Disease. Because I don't want you to have that power over me. After I kissed you back in twelfth grade...I was scared I was going to wake up with flowers on my bed. I didn't want to go through it."

Roden inhales sharply. "And now, are you? That close?"

Reed doesn't answer him. "You're right—Aaron and I do have a toxic relationship, and I can't leave because...because this is what I owe him. For distracting me. For saving me from crossing that line. I've had a good handle on my heart, and it knows that if it reaches out to yours...it will suffer. This is why I'm a coward, Roden. This is why I'm torn."

He holds his breath. His chest is constricting and gasping for air, but he can't bear to take his eyes off of Reed as she looks at him with pain, fear, and sadness in her eyes, and whispers, "I'm afraid once again."

Roden wants to tell her now. Roden wants to scream it out.

But for reasons he can't decipher, he stays quiet. His lungs stay quiet.

"He got mad because it's where our conversation went yesterday," Reed explains, smiling slightly. "I was going to break up with him. I thought he wouldn't care because...well, it's been a year since we got together and of course, he's with someone else almost every night. But he just—he blew up. Yelled at me that I should be thankful he's put up with me to save my ass from you. Reminded me that staying with him was the least I could do for being an ungrateful bitch."

Roden wants to kill him.

She heaves a heavy breath. "In any case, if you don't hate me, can I stay here tonight? I'm not particularly fond of the idea of you or Knox going to chase him down the moment I leave. It's not his fault."

Reed knows him so well. Roden wants to say something, but he figures it's best to leave the talk where it is. If Reed's that hesitant to take the risk and love him, then she'll be forced to do so if she finds out about the Disease. Roden doesn't want her to love him out of pity. "I could never hate you."

"Decide that tomorrow when you're not overwhelmed with everything I told you."

Roden bites his lip and nods, even though he's sure already that he could never hate Reed. How could he? "Yeah," he murmurs. "Yeah, okay, you can stay. You have pajamas in my room."

She smiles. "I know."

*

Roden dreams of Reed.

It's not the first time, but it's the first time he's seen her so clearly. She's laughing. Strands of her ink-colored hair frame her face beautifully, and her eyes are shining with happiness. Roden can hear her. Her laugh's a pretty sound.

Then he's sitting up and grasping the sheets, curling his fingers around the cloth because there's no air in his lungs and he can't fucking breathe.

"Roden, Roden!" Reed's screaming his name from afar, and it seems like she's crying. "Roden, please, you're not breathing, what do I do? Knox! Knox!"

A choking sound escapes his throat, where the flowers trying to escape are, and he grabs Reed's wrist blindly as he rolls over, chest burning. The veins around his neck are protruding and he gets down on all fours, wheezing as he tries to get them all out.

"Roden, Roden, please, Knox—!"

He shakes his head violently, hands going to his chest to claw at his skin with the urge to rip it out, yank it and tear his chest apart.

Then the petals finally, finally make their way out of his body and fall wetly to the floor, followed by a pool of blood.

Roden closes his eyes as he pants for breath, arms shaking. He wants the Disease to kill him now. Now. "Fuck."

"You weren't—" Reed chokes out from her spot beside him, and she's hugging her knees close and God, no, she's crying. She's really crying, and it's painful sobs and tears full of fear. "You weren't breathing! I didn't know what to do and you were wheezing in your sleep! I tried to wake you up but you—you...fucking hell, Roden!"

"I'm sorry," he whispers. "I'm so so sorry."

"You scared me so fucking much," Reed hisses, holding onto his shoulder and gripping it tightly, like she wants to punch him but needs to hold herself back. "You're scaring me right now. Why haven't you gotten rid of this, huh?" She releases him to pick up a petal, eyes blazing with anger as she glares at him. "How long have you been suffering like this, Roden? Why didn't you tell me, you bastard! This is exactly the kind of shit I was afraid of and you...you fucking have it and I—I don't know...I don't know what to do—"

Roden pulls her hand down gently and takes the flower as she sobs loudly, fresh tears spilling across her cheeks. She scoots forward and launches herself into his arms, hands fisting themselves to the collar of his shirt. "I hate you."

"I'm sorry." It's all he can say.

"Why haven't you gotten the surgery?" she cries into his neck, and Roden can feel the breaking of his heart. "Why are you letting yourself die?"

"If you had this for me," Roden says quietly, shutting his eyes tight, "would you? Get the surgery?"

Reed doesn't answer him. Just continues to cry. "Who is it?"

And despite the circumstances, Roden cracks a smile. She's so fucking oblivious. "We should go back to sleep."

"We're not done talking about this, Roden Olivers."

"We're not? But I'm sleepy."

"Tomorrow, I'm kicking Knox's ass for not telling me. And then yours. Gonna make you pay for it."

Roden's smile grows wider. "Okay."

"Then I'm gonna convince you all day to come with me to the hospital."

"Okay."

"Because there's no fucking way you're leaving me, you understand?"

"Yes."

Reed holds him a little tighter. "Then forget about what I said earlier for a moment," she says to his ear. "And imagine this is just one of our daily conversations."

Roden nods once.

"I love you, Roden," she whispers. "So much."

And oh God, oh no, no, no—

Another single purple petal falls from his lips—one he couldn't swallow down, then he's on his knees again, retching and gasping for air once again as the entire plant, stems and thorns, quickly make their way up to his throat and onto the bedroom floor. He can't seem to stop them, his chest tightens impossibly harder than before that there's black spots clouding his vision, and Reed's calling an ambulance, holding his face in her hands and sobbing. "I'm sorry, Roden, please, please, oh God, it's me, I'm so sorry—"

And if he'd known, that this was the day that Reed finds out she's been the cause of the suffering of his poor heart, that it's her, fuck, it's always been her, then he'd have welcomed the day with the thought that it's his last.

*

i hope i was able to show you guys a side of knox that's never been shown before in the book—he's always fooling around, lightening the mood up, cracking jokes with Roden...but as his best friend, he's scared the most about the prospect of losing Roden in his life. 

leave me your thoughts about this chapter and your predictions for the last!!

thank you so much for reading. x