this chapter is dedicated to rye, the ultimate sweetheart. love you, babe. x (and i will reply to your mssgs later!)

thank you for all of your lovely comments on the last chapter. i hope you enjoy this chapter as well. happy reading x

*

"Okay," Knox starts, tossing a small, black envelope onto the coffee table. "Plan B."

Roden raises an eyebrow and takes it, carefully treading his fingers through its flap before discovering an invitation inside with embedded gold prints. "The Augustana Conroy Foundation Ball," he reads slowly, eyes raising up to stare at Knox. "Care to explain?"

"It's from Lacy."

"I kind of figured." Roden scoffs and leans back against the couch. "So her mother is holding a ball to celebrate the establishment of scholarships for the university?"

Knox nods. The excitement is clearly glinting in his eyes. "She gave out the invitations a week ago actually, and I wasn't planning to bring it up because I know how...sensitive you get about her."

"I'm not sensitive about anything when it comes to Lacy," he says truthfully. "She's my ex, we dated, that's it."

"You're not getting my point."

"I wasn't aware you had one."

"Okay, smartass, I know I said I was going to support you with any decision that you make about the fucking Disease, but I have to be honest with you." His best friend rubs the nape of his neck and looks away, obviously embarrassed about what he's going to say next. Roden smiles. "You...you look shittier than ever."

"...shit man, don't know if you've noticed, but that's kind of obvious—"

"Fuck, what I mean is—the plant inside you? It grows. It's gonna grow until your lungs can't take it anymore, and I'm not about to watch that happen."

Roden pushes his tongue against his cheek. "And suggesting a ball hosted by Lacy's mother is plan B why...?"

"Shit, do I really got to spell it out for you?" Knox rolls his eyes and takes a seat on the table to pick up the invitation. He thrusts it towards Roden's face. "You need a distraction. You need to get rid of your feelings for Reed. This is the perfect way to do it."

The brunet laughs. "Dude. What makes you think meeting with Lacy again will do the trick? It's not an off-switch, Knox. I can't just turn my feelings off."

Knox shoots him a flat look. "The reason why you and Lacy got together in the first place was because you slept with her, remember?"

Roden clears his throat. "Yeah, I'd rather not talk about that—"

"Do it again."

"Excuse me, what?"

"I said, sleep with her again—"

"No, Knox, fucking hell, I heard you the first time," Roden snaps, shaking his head as he stands. "I am not going to use Lacy as a distraction or as a cure."

Knox stands too. "Look. I know you, man. You get attached with anyone you sleep with too easily, and Lacy's the same. You both tried to keep it strictly friends with benefits but it didn't work out."

"Our relationship didn't work out."

"I'm not trying to tell you to get back into a relationship with her," his best friend reiterates. "I'm just saying that you could easily forget about Reed if you sleep with her and maybe your affections might transfer back to Lacy, who you can avoid for the rest of your fucking life. Better yet, tell her your situation and I'm glad she'll be all too willing to help. Trust me."

"This is insane," Roden states, pointing a finger at him. "You're fucking insane."

Knox grins. "The wheels in your head are turning, aren't they?"

"Oh, get lost."

"Great! It's a suit-and-tie event, so be ready by eight."

The next thing Roden knows, he's ready by eight.

There's not much he can do about the vines that are peeking out around the base of his neck, and Roden grumbles about this under his breath as he straightens his tie, tucking it under the collar of his dress shirt. He raises his gaze to look at himself in the mirror, and staring back at him is a pre-Disease Roden, who resembles the person used to going to parties, and who actually looks decent, and...well, looks like he's not dying.

Knox raps his knuckles against his door. "Rodes, we gotta roll."

"Yeah, coming," he calls out in return, grabbing his suit jacket from its hanger and shrugging it on. He pockets his wallet and keys while checking through the notifications from his phone. Sighing, he's disappointed but not surprised when he finds that there's no response from Reed.

Their conversation a few hours before goes like this:

Reed: pizza or chinese take out? (b ᵔ▽ᵔ)b

Roden: um

Roden: i'm gonna have to take a rain check on finding nemo...

Reed: (°ロ°) why what's wrong?

Roden: there's this

Roden: uh thing

Roden: i've been invited to

Reed: you were invited to lacy's mother's ball? and you're going?

Roden: well damn reed, you didn't have to blurt it out like that

Reed: it is what it is tho. and yeah okay i understand, although i thought you weren't keen on seeing lacy again

Reed: like ever

Roden: knox made me

Reed: of course he did. have fun

Roden: ...are you mad?

Reed: why would i be mad?

Roden: idk, for cancelling? you seem off

Reed: i am anything but off, im great, im perfect, you go have fun at that ball thingy

Roden: that's not very reassuring

Reed: i promise you dont need to worry about me, it's not like you weren't doing this before

Reed: i got used to the new you i guess

Roden: there's no new me, i'm what i've always been. what're you talking about?

Reed: i'm talking about the...the one who doesn't go to these kinds of parties anymore. or who even parties at all anymore for that matter.

Roden: you're making it sound like i was some sort of animal fuckboy

Reed: you're taking this the wrong way. i just said i forgot what it feels like to have you doing this again, why are you so upset?

Roden: i'm not fucking upset. if anything, it's you who's upset

Reed: yeah? what gave it away?

Roden: the fact that you're not using your fucking emojis

Reed: what?

Roden: you always use them for fuck's sake, give me an emoji that represents what you're feeling right now

Reed: don't tell me what to do

Roden: I'M NOT, FUCKING HELL, just tell me if you're mad or not so i don't have to worry about this anymore

Roden: fuck okay that came out wrong

Reed: (-_-)

Reed: there, happy?

Roden: no, actually, what the fuck does that mean?

Reed: what do you think it means!!!

Roden: why the hell are you mad?!!

Reed: IM NOT MAD, SHIT, IF I WERE, I WOULDVE USED THIS (ノ°益°)ノ

Reed: OR THIS 凸('△'＃)

Reed: BUT IM NOT, SO DROP IT AND HAVE FUN

Roden: THEN WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING AT ME

Roden: ...reed?

Roden: come on angel. after giving me the bad finger the least you could do is answer the phone

Roden: actually you didn't really give me the bad finger, but still, answer me

Roden: fucking hell fine, i WILL have fun. text me when you're done being immature about this.

Roden knows that giving Reed some time to cool off might be ideal instead of bombarding her with apology texts or flooding her phone with calls she probably won't answer, given the careless way Roden handled their conversation.

Maybe he just wanted her to tell him not to go. Maybe he just wanted her to tell him that she doesn't want him to see Lacy again, or that she's upset about not spending the night with him. Either way, Roden's royally fucked up, but that doesn't change Knox's plans or his. He's about to give plan (see: desperate attempt to live) B a go and if it works, then the Disease can fuck itself. If it doesn't, then Roden's fucked, like he's always been.

"Rodes!" Knox yells from the front door.

"Jesus, how can you be so impatient?" Roden mutters, slipping on his shoes and following his best friend to his car. "Chill out, please. You're even more on edge than I am and I'm supposed to be the one who's meeting his ex-girlfriend."

"It's not like you ended on...super bad terms with Lacy," Knox reminds him, pushing the key into the ignition of his Tesla. He's dressed like Roden, only without the tie and in navy blue, and the first two buttons of his shirt are open. Roden wants to laugh. Knox looks like the description in his text to Reed—the party animal fuckboy. If he told his best friend that, he'd most likely agree and be pleased because it's probably the kind of look he was going for, too. "But, to set some ground rules for this operation to work, first and last: do not speak of Reed."

"Also known as the reason why I'm actually doing this in the first place," Roden says sarcastically as Knox backs up onto the main road. His hand comes up to rub the slight pain in his chest. It's like his heart is aware that he's going to a place where Reed isn't. Get a fucking grip, he tells it. "I'm not about to do anything with Lacy without her knowing and without her consent."

Knox glances at him, the corner of his mouth curved to a smile. "Also known as the reason why you and Lacy broke up. It's funny because Reed can't stand Lacy's guts, and Lacy got so tired of being second to Reed."

"She wasn't—" Roden sighs. Rubs his forehead. He feels like shit, and he's not even at the place yet and his head is already aching. "Yeah, okay. I remember, dickhead."

"Anyway, like I said, you can tell Lacy everything and she'll be willing to help, but I'm not sure if mentioning Reed's the cause of your Disease is a good idea. Keep it a secret, you know, so she doesn't hold a grudge against you and shit."

"I'll think about it, although I think it's obvious," Roden decides to say, looking out the window. "Lacy's the third person who knows me well."

"I can't believe Reed's the first," his best friend mumbles dejectedly. "Never signed up for this kind of disrespect inside my fucking car. After everything I've done and am doing for you, you ungrateful brat, you can't even—"

"Reed doesn't know about the Disease which actually means you're tied with her."

"Fucking hell, how is that any better, you idiot?"

Roden laughs. "Just as bros, you know I love you, right?"

Knox reaches out to punch him in the shoulder, and not in a gentle manner. "Why do you always say 'just as bros' like I've still got a fucking crush on you, asshole? That was before I knew you pee in your pants—"

He smacks him on the leg. Knox brings his knee up while he laughs. "You're not allowed to hit the driver, Rodes," he breathes out when he's done, although the shitface is still sporting a wide grin.

Ass. "That was one time," Roden hisses defensively, red tinging his cheeks with embarrassment. "Shut up."

"Shut up about my—" Knox makes a face of disgust. "Crush on you before and we're even."

"Deal."

"Deal. Nice doing business with you, Mr. Olivers," Knox hums. "We're almost there."

*

Here's the thing.

Roden hates himself.

It starts like this.

They get to the place—a fucking mansion, by the way—and hang around for a few minutes because shit, Knox and Roden did not get dressed up the way they are to not hang around, and it's definitely worth the appreciative looks they get from both the girls and the boys (score for Knox). They take champagne from the waiters bustling around the hall and sip the drinks leisurely, then Knox takes a certain liking towards the bonbons being served while Roden goes ahead and transfers his attention towards the stage, where Lacy's mother, Augustana, is speaking.

To be polite, Roden listens, and she's talking about the newly-granted scholarship by the university board, and how it's an honor for it to be finally established in order to be of help the incoming freshmen at Branson Alcott who qualify. The Conroy foundation isn't the only scholarship grant the university has to offer, of course, but it's the first that specializes in student-athletes.

To say the least, Roden is impressed. The audience standing in front of him claps, and he's about to lift the champagne glass to his lips once again—the beverage is actually good—when it's taken from him suddenly.

His ex-girlfriend looks at him through her long lashes innocently whilst sipping the drink. Roden's sure her lipstick will leave a mark on the glass. "Glad to know Knox's persuasive prowess hasn't failed me yet. It's wonderful to see you again, Roden. How've you been?"

"Same as always, Lacy. You look great."

Because she does. There's no doubt about that, especially when she's in a two-piece golden long gown with sequins to the finest detail that match the elegance and confidence with which she carries herself. Outfit aside, Lacy looks exactly the same—she still has those imaginative eyes that used to look at him adoringly, her hair, though cascading in perfect waves down her shoulders and back, is still dyed with the ash-blonde color that she asked Roden to choose during the last month of their relationship, and she's wearing a smile on her coated lips that used to bring Roden to his knees.

"You look handsome," she says, raking her eyes down his physique. Roden wants to laugh. He hasn't looked handsome in such a long time. "Alive, but still handsome."

"Barely," Roden mutters, bringing his hands to the pockets of his slacks. "Thanks for the invite, Lace."

"Couldn't exactly leave the hotshot swimmer of the Tankers without an invitation." The blonde takes another sip of the drink. "But I've been hearing a lot of rumors."

"Yeah, I'm not exactly one of the crowd's favorites anymore."

The audience claps once again as Augustana finishes her speech, but neither Roden or Lacy look away from each other. She tilts her head to the side. "I'm curious about what brought you here, Roden, but I think I'll have to guess. Let's discuss in my room upstairs?"

Roden doesn't need to be told twice. Lacy places the glass on the nearest table and takes his hand, and together, they quietly leave the scene.

It's in Lacy's bedroom where shit goes down.

He's been here countless of times before, but the sheer fact that he's here with the Disease is making him uncomfortable as he stands by the doorway. The numbing pain against his chest is growing increasingly more painful, and he struggles to control his cough before saying, "Look, Lace. I'm here because—"

"Because of the Disease?" she asks, taking a seat on the bed and crossing her legs. Her lips are curled to the smallest of smiles as she points to her neck. "You've got a little something there."

"I know, I couldn't cover it up. Couldn't exactly wear a scarf or a hoodie to these types of things either."

"I can help you with that."

Roden raises an eyebrow. "With covering it up or with something else you're insinuating?"

Lacy laughs. "Roden, I've always believed that we're the couple that ended things on a happy note."

He vaguely remembers a lot of screaming and a lot of crying, but yeah, sure, whatever. "Okay...?"

"And if you're looking to have fun to get rid of whatever unnecessary feelings you have, then why not, right? Of course, I also have the trick to covering those marks on your skin, but the previous offer also stands. I'm right here."

Roden blinks. Lacy's always been intelligent, but damn. "Won't your parents come looking for you?"

She shoots him a look. "You of all people should know they don't care about what I do and not do during events like this. They're too busy socializing with elites."

"Right. What's the price?"

"No price," his ex-girlfriend answers, leaning back against the mattress so not only a sliver of the tanned skin across her stomach shows. It's riding up dangerously, and one look on Lacy's face and Roden knows she's doing this on purpose, but...he doesn't feel anything for the girl. A little glad about seeing her maybe, satisfied with how well she's doing, but there's not even a single skip of a heart's beat or any feeling of lust rushing through his head or...his other head. This is Roden's first sign. "What's one night of fun in each other again, Roden? Knowing you, you'll forget about the person you have this Disease for, and problem solved. No dying, no surgery."

"You do realize I'm not going to see you ever again after this, right? So I can get rid of whatever...attraction I'm going to have for you when the night ends?"

"You'll be back when you grow feelings for Reed again," she says with confidence and nonchalance, and Roden almost chokes on air. "Which is months, for sure. That way, we both won't get attached and we always have the back-up plan of finding pleasure in each other. To be honest, Roden, I've missed you in bed."

Roden laughs. "Just in bed? Shit, I must've left such a bad impression as a boyfriend."

Lacy stands and grabs his wrist. Pulls him to the bed until Roden's holding his weight above her. "Missed you right here," she whispers against his ear. "You were a good boyfriend, Rodes. Just not for me."

"And this could be what's for you?" Roden whispers back, eyes dropping down to her lips. Doesn't even feel an urge to kiss her. At all. This is Roden's second sign.

"Yeah. Fuck, I've forgotten what you felt like."

Still, he tells his mind to shut up for a second and let him enjoy. "Want me to make you remember?"

And Roden reminds himself that yes, he can have this. There's nothing stopping him because it's consensual—Lacy literally knows what's in it for her and for Roden, because it's safe—he's not an idiot, of course he has a couple of condoms tucked inside the inner pocket of his jacket, and because this is plan B—this could literally and potentially waver the feelings he has for Reed and might possibly save his ass.

But.

This is where Roden hates himself.

The third sign is when Roden has his back suddenly pressed to the wall after lots of kissing on the bed, and Lacy's down on her knees after being busy with sucking his neck to leave bruises and love bites, hands reaching out for his zipper eagerly. The third sign is when Roden closes his eyes to let himself fucking have this, because damn it, he deserves it—and all he can see is Reed.

And it's enough to push Lacy by the shoulder to get her to stand up before they do anything more than making out. Apparently, he can't even do this for himself, and Roden's fucking furious because he's literally blue-balling himself after trying so hard to get a hard-on, and fucking hell. Lacy's confused, hell, even he's confused, and he groans, running a hand through his face. "Shit, I'm sorry. I can't do this."

"You're kidding, right?" Lacy says flatly, obviously annoyed. "Roden, come on."

He coughs but manages to swallow down the petals threatening to leave his throat. Roden shakes his head. "I'm sorry, Lace. I can't do it."

The blonde looks at him curiously before smoothing her hair down with a sigh. "Alright, come on. I need a smoke."

They find themselves in the balcony of Lacy's room. She hands him a stick before taking one for herself, and even lights up Roden's cigarette first. She rolls the stick between her fingers after taking a slow draw. "Offer still stands for covering your neck up. You even have my bites now."

Roden inhales as much nicotine as his lungs can take. "I'm sure the hickeys cover the lines well."

"They do, actually."

"Good. Look, Lace, I'm really sorry."

She takes another drag from the cigarette before answering, looking sideways at him. "You don't need to say sorry for love," she murmurs, transferring her gaze back to the sky. It stares back at them mockingly. "I understand. It must be hard."

Roden can only nod. "It is. Thanks for offering and being willing to help out, but I think I'm gonna have to stick with plan A instead."

Lacy stares at him, probably already knowing what plan A means. "This is your last chance, Roden. I don't think you have much time left."

"Oh, believe me, I don't. Still, it was nice to see you again in this lifetime, Lace."

"Don't get emotional on me," she says. "But for what it's worth...it was nice to see you again, too."

*

It's past eight in the morning when Roden comes home.

Now, don't get him wrong. Lacy was kind enough to offer her pull-out bed on the couch for him to crash because she said that staying the night was the least Roden could do after leaving her hanging. They even drank some (see: a lot of) shots and talked a bit, just for old time's sake, and it actually made Roden kind of miss her.

Knox has a million text messages left unread on his phone, but he's tired and he wants a shower and he wants to sleep to kill this fucking hangover. He opens the front door and finds Reed curled into a ball on the couch, and his best friend is peeking his head out from the kitchen with a glare. "Thanks for replying to my messages, ass."

"Be quiet," Roden mutters. He takes off his jacket and drapes it across the other end of the sofa before kneeling in front of the younger. "Since when has she been here?"

"An hour ago," Knox answers quietly now, leaning against the wall. "She wanted to cook and surprise you with breakfast but I think it shocked her that you still weren't home. She just said she'll wait for you and then she passed out."

He sighs. Reed's eyes are closed but there's a crease between her eyebrows. He reaches out with his fingers to gently run them across her cheek. "What'd you tell her?"

"What was I supposed to tell her, asshole? You weren't replying to my texts!"

Roden whips around to glare at him and whisper-yell, "Keep it down, for Christ's sake, she's gonna wake up!"

"I'm awake," Reed sleepily murmurs, and Roden moves back a bit so she can sit up. She rubs her eyes. Roden swallows hard. "You're here."

"Yeah," he chokes out, looking for any sign of anger in her eyes. There's none, and it's actually a bit more worrying, because there's nothing in them. Nothing that Roden can read, anyway. "Yeah, I, uh...I didn't know you were coming over."

Reed brushes the hair out of her face. "I'm glad you didn't," she says. Roden raises his eyebrows, confused. "Now that I actually see that you're alive, I should get going."

She stands and grabs her bag on the table. Again, Roden's confused. Knox makes a violent shake of his head towards Reed's direction as she makes for the door.

"Hey, whoa, hey." Roden's fast enough to block the front door before Reed can reach for the knob. She looks at him with her head tilted. "Can't you stay? We should talk about what happened."

Knox discreetly leaves the living room. Roden makes a mental note to thank him later.

"Okay. Talk."

"I was being immature during our conversation yesterday."

Reed juts her lower lip out and Roden wants to explode from her cureness. "I was being immature too. I'm sorry."

Roden shakes his head. "I was the one who acted like a dumbass and pushed you to say you were upset when you clearly weren't."

The younger drops her gaze from his eyes and narrows her own as she leans closer.

"Okay, Reed, not the time to ogle my chest, but—"

"Are those hickeys?" she all but shrieks, pointing to his neck. "Jesus, did she maul you or something like a fucking animal?"

Oh God, he wants to bang his head towards another dimension. "Uh, well—"

"And you didn't come home," Reed continues slowly, eyebrows drawn together. The realization comes to her before Roden can say anything else. "Were you with Lacy?"

"Who else would I have been with?"

"I don't know, a hot stranger, maybe?"

"I'm not that desperate, Reed."

"Okay, well, I thought you were over her."

Roden doesn't understand where the conversation is going. "I am. We didn't even—"

"Clearly not," Reed mutters, turning away from him. "Don't know why I even bothered to come. I expected—no, I knew, but I was kind of hoping it wasn't true."

What? Roden wants to throw his hands up in exasperation. "Explain."

She faces him again. "Actually confirming that you were just with her makes me..."

"Makes you what?"

Reed pauses before saying, "Nothing. I should leave."

"No one's fucking leaving," Roden snaps, pushing his hand against the doorway. In this position, with Reed so close to his frame, she's tiny compared to him, and he reminds himself to keep his temper in check. "Makes you what? Tell me."

"It's making me angry," she whispers, looking up at him. Roden can hear his fucking heartbeat. "When I told you to have fun, I didn't exactly tell you to have fun and get laid!"

"What the hell did you mean, then?" He's angry now too, with the way his voice is rising and his head is aching. "What are you getting so worked up for? Why the hell are you angry? Is it because you still hate Lacy? You never liked her in the first place, and maybe you can't stand the thought that—"

"You're so fucking blind!" Reed yells, running a hand through her hair. Roden's shocked, because it's the second time Reed's ever yelled at him (the first was when he accidentally spilled Coke on her dress during graduation night), and he can't believe she's actually mad enough to swear that harshly. "It's annoying, God!"

Roden's worked up too. He's tired, he wants a damn shower, and his head is killing him, so he can't blame himself when he retorts, "Speak for yourself. First of all, stop assuming. Lacy and I didn't do shit. I stayed over, we kissed, nothing else happened."

"Now that's just bull."

"Now you're just telling me I'm lying to you." Which fucking stings. He's never lied to her. (Exception being the Disease, which is a different case altogether).

"Because you are!" Reed wails, and there's actually tears in her eyes now, and fuck, why is she about to cry? Shit, shit, shit. "You were always in love with her, you always have been, and there's no way you walked out of her room without—without jumping at the chance to...to—"

"What, get laid?" Roden mocks her earlier words, jaw clenching. "Is this what you think of me? Some sort of lowlife who can't keep his dick in his pants? Some sort of desperate fuckboy who 'jumps' at the chance to get it on with Lacy?"

Reed backtracks. Widens her eyes. "Roden—"

"Also, if I wanted to get back into any desperate attempt to be with her, in bed or not, I'd have done it months ago, sweetheart. And yes, I did love her. Past tense. When I was in a relationship with her. You know this."

"She's going to rope you back in, Roden," Reed says in a whisper, and she sounds...afraid. "Like she did before."

"I can't fucking understand, for the life of me, why you hate Lacy so much. I can understand why she doesn't have you on the top of her favorite people in the world, but damn, Reed. You're taking this to a whole other level."

"I just don't want you to be stuck in that toxic relationship again—"

Roden actually laughs. "You're one to talk about that shit when you can't even get out of it yourself."

The words are out before he can rethink them. Reed's trying her best to keep her tears in. "What do you mean?"

He balls his hands into fists. Pins her with his gaze. "Aaron the asscrown doesn't like you, sweetheart. He's fucking around with you. There's a difference. He enjoys the chase, you give him a good time, he shows you off in fancy restaurants...but I'm sure he's cheating on you with someone else right now."

Reed's shaking her head. "Stop."

"You know this," Roden hisses through gritted teeth. "But you choose to ignore it because he gives you some sort of fucked-up comfort I don't understand, and that's a toxic relationship, so don't be a hypocrite and—"

Reed has her face in her hands now, and her shoulders are shaking. Roden takes a deep breath, knowing he's gone too far. "Reed, I'm..."

"It's fine," she says, voice breaking. She takes her hands out from her face and wipes the tears furiously, then looks up at him and smiles. "Yeah, it's. It's fine. About everything I said, I apologize. I wasn't thinking straight and everything just had me confused."

Roden steps closer to her, feeling the intense weight of regret crashing down on him. "Reed."

"We're both clearly not in the right state to talk," the younger states, the smile still on her face. Shit. "You should get some rest."

"Reed, wait, please, I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry as well."

It's the last thing she says before she leaves, and this time, Roden doesn't try to stop her because he knows they hurt each other. Badly.