7 / feel

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*

It's awfully difficult to fall out love with Reed.

Roden knows this. He knew this when the first petal dropped onto his hands. He knew this when he made the decision to keep seeing Reed in hopes of not hurting her. He knew this when he went to Coach Miller to talk about quitting the Tankers. Hell, even Knox warned him about it.

He knows, but it's awfully fucking difficult to fall out love with Reed when she leaves a paper bag full of flu tablets and herbal medicine for his cough on his bedside, when she offers him a warm cup of tea whenever he's at her place to study, when she makes him sandwiches with cute and encouraging notes to make his day better.

All this because she seems to come to the conclusion that Roden's developed a purging disorder.

He can't blame her. His sallow complexion and thinning body build explain it well, and Roden honestly, as much as he tries to, can't swallow hundreds of flowers down whenever they eat out together, thus having to go to the washroom about thrice every time and leaving while rubbing the pain against his chest and throat. Reed is worried, and when she asks him why he doesn't go to the gym anymore, why he doesn't jog on the weekends like he used to, why he sleeps in between classes and why he's growing increasingly tired every day, it's evidently difficult to realize that Roden doesn't have much time.

He's falling harder and his heart is weaker, and yet, as he coughs up another of the purple petal, he thinks he's dying much faster from the painful thought that it's awfully fucking difficult to fall out love with Reed.

When he comes out of his room after a much-needed nap following his first and only morning class, Knox tosses him a paper bag which, without the Disease, Roden would've caught easily. Now, it just...hits him on the right side of his face before falling on the floor.

"Oh," Knox says. "Sorry, dude."

"Ass," Roden mutters with curved lips, bending down to pick it up. "From Reed again?"

"Who else would it be from? And look inside, there's a pack of gummy bears this time."

His heart grows three times larger. As always, there's a note taped to the bag. It reads: have a great day, roden! let's watch finding nemo tonight. i have a group meeting today, but pick me up at 5? see you!! o(≧o≦)o

Again, who gave her the right to be this fucking cute? It's killing him. Seriously.

"You should tell her to stop," his best friend tells him, closing the refrigerator after retrieving a small carton of milk to pour onto his cereal. It's four in the afternoon and Knox is eating cereal. "It's not making you any better."

To prove his point, Roden coughs out a petal. Lets it fall to its demise on the floor. "She doesn't know."

Knox narrows his eyes at the brunet, who's smiling giddily despite feeling like a shitface. "You're enjoying this, aren't you?"

Roden shrugs and takes a seat on a stool. Knox settles on the one beside him. "Reed has always been like this, especially when I'm sick. She's proclaimed herself my personal caretaker ever since."

"You weren't in love with her then."

"I am now, and it feels great."

"Greedy." Knox clicks his tongue and places a spoonful of cereal into his mouth. "At least tell her you don't have a purging disorder. She's been calling me thrice since Monday to ask whether you've been eating whatever she's giving you. She's calling in class, man."

Roden hides his grin behind the sandwich inside the bag. It's bacon and cheese this time. "She calls you to ask about me?"

"Technically, it's about the 'disorder'—haven't you been listening? Stop smiling, idiot. And get your flowers off of my countertop, this isn't a coffin."

He takes the note off the bag, keeps it in his pocket, and gathers the petals he coughed out in his hands. "We're watching Finding Nemo tonight."

"Oh, wow," his roommate says sarcastically. "That is a great idea."

"Shut up." Roden flicks a petal towards Knox's face. And because, just out of spite, "Remember when you had a crush on me—"

"I'll kill you!" Knox shouts and immediately gets off the stool to chase after Roden, who's laughing hysterically and running to find refuge in his room, locking the door just as Knox reaches it.

"Just as bros—I love you, Wilson!"

"Fuck you, Olivers!"

He laughs again, throwing his head back and all.

And it may be momentary, but it feels good. He feels good.

*

Roden's wardrobe nowadays only consist of a hoodie, a scarf, and sweatpants.

When before he used to be wary about what he wears, he doesn't care now—not when the lines around his neck are becoming more noticeable.

On a positive note, his admirers have stopped. When before, when he was more popular, more outgoing as the ace swimmer of the Tankers, he used to receive chocolates inside his pool locker, letters and snacks on his table, even chemistry pick-up lines slipped inside his bag after a science team meeting...he's being ignored now. He gets the looks. Those that ask what the hell happened to him—what the hell is happening to him. Those that ask why he's quitting the Tankers when they know it's what Roden loves. Those that wonder what's become of him and what's behind the scarf.

Frankly, he doesn't care anymore. He hasn't cared about a lot of things ever since he's had the Disease. He's not sure if that's a good or a bad thing yet.

It's a little earlier than five when he's already leaning against the wall outside Reed's classroom, where her group meeting is being held. His hand is inside his pocket, fingers clutching her note. Roden resists the urge to smoke because he is inside campus, and when Reed smells it on him, she'll probably be upset.

He makes a mistake of peeking inside the small window the door provides to catch a glimpse of Reed, only to find her to be on the verge of crying.

Roden hesitates barging inside the room. The last time he intervened a battle Reed was fighting, it didn't end well—she got mad, told him she could defend and stand up for herself, that she didn't need him to make things blow out of proportion. She can handle it, she said. Roden apologized, and said that he believed her. He still does.

Which is why he doesn't enter the room. He knows Reed can handle this on her own, and if she needs him for comfort after, then he'll provide it. So he stands back and watches instead, presses a little closer to hear whatever heated conversation the group was having.

"...you had just done it right, then we wouldn't have this problem!" one of the girls was saying frustratedly, hand coming up to run it through her mussed-up hair. "How hard is it to do?"

"She's just naturally stupid," another cuts in. Roden balls his hands into fists. "Honestly, I expected this to happen, so let's just do the work by ourselves. Thanks for trying to help, though."

Reed is shunned to silence, teeth biting hard on her bottom lip and eyes becoming more teary. He waits for her to say something. Anything.

"...no point in this," the only boy mutters, standing up to collect his things. "I'm leaving. Let's do this tonight, I'm tired."

The others agree with a nod. Reed still doesn't say anything.

Roden leans back against the wall when they walk towards the door. He considers placing his foot out when the girl who said Reed was...the s word walks past him so she could trip, or bump into her that she falls hard onto the ground, but Roden actually considers himself to be a pretty decent guy, and while he would've done that without second thought back in high school, he's sure that Reed wouldn't appreciate it. Even if they called her the s word.

He holds himself back as they walk past him without a glance in his direction. Good, he thinks. He's been told his glare could kill.

When Roden finally enters the room, Reed has her face on her hands. There's no loud sobbing or any indication with sound that she's crying, but her shoulders shake, and it's enough for Roden to know that she needs him.

"Hey, angel," he whispers. Pulls her to him. "You're going to ruin your eyeliner if you keep crying, you know?"

Reed doesn't answer, but her head is against his shoulder and she's wrapping her arms around him. Roden tightens his hold.

The first time Reed cried in front of him was when they were filling out their application forms to Branson Alcott. Reed suddenly dropped her pen and looked at Roden with her eyes glistening with tears, and he was surprised but he didn't say a word. He only dropped his pen too and pulled her to his arms. "I'm scared," she said then, quietly, after letting it all out. "That I won't pass the exam. That I won't be able to go to college with you. That if by the mere chance that I will, people will think, 'How the hell did this idiot get into this university? She's so stupid.'"

Roden wiped her eyes, picked up her pen and handed it to her. "Finish the form and I'll show you that you aren't."

Roden did everything in his power then to help himself and Reed prep for the exam, treating her to small celebrations of victory whenever she finished a mock test with a higher than average mark. He made sure that she's learning, that he never made her feel like she was dumb, that she could pass the exam.

Which she did. She passed, and she deserved the spot in the university just like everyone else.

She deserves to be treated with respect, just like everyone else.

"Thank you for the sandwich and the gummy bears and the note. If you must know, I ate them all, so you don't need to call Knox to ask about that."

Reed doesn't respond. Roden bites his lip.

"You aren't stupid, alright?" he says gently, stroking her hair as she buries her face further into his neck. "You know you aren't."

"I just—I made a huge mistake with our report," Reed finally answers, voice barely above a whisper. "I didn't check it and they have to repeat everything because of me. How do I still believe I'm not stupid if I can't do a single fucking report right?"

"Oh, you swore. This is serious."

Reed hits him weakly. Laughs a bit.

Roden smiles. "Come on, Reed. Can't people make mistakes?"

"They can. Just not as big as this one."

"It's not like you fucking murdered someone, Reed, but did you apologize?"

Reed pulls back to glare at him, eyes swollen and red. "Who do you think I am?"

Of course. What a silly question. Knowing her, she already probably said a million apologies before they asked her to shut up. Roden sighs. "Okay, so you made a mistake. So what? You apologized for it. Like you said before, there's no need to blow shit out of proportion if you can find the solution for it. Did you offer to redo whatever they have to?"

"Yes, of course, but they believe I'll just screw up again, and the submission is tomorrow. They don't want to trust me with anything right now."

"Demand a fucking apology tomorrow from whoever bitch ass called you stupid or else she's gonna have to deal with me."

"Roden."

"And call whoever the fuck is in charge. Tell them you'll do everything right this time. I'll help you finish the load so you can have time to sleep."

Reed blinks up at him. "You'd do that for me?"

"You did it for me too, remember?"

"Roden."

Hell. When will this angel get that whatever the fuck she asks (or not asks) Roden to do, he'd do it in a heartbeat? "Yeah," he says quietly, gaze locking with hers. "You should know this, but yeah." Goddamn, I'd take a bullet for you. I'd die for you. Anything for you.

Slowly, a smile crosses her face and her eyes finally light up again. Roden's pulse picks up its rate, and he swallows hard. "There's my girl. She's smiling again."

And without warning, she leans in and kisses him on the cheek. "Thank you. You've...I don't know how to be thankful for all the things you're willing to do for me, and for always knowing what to say and for being you and for just—you really are my lane line."

Before she could pull herself back, Roden catches her wrist and he curls her into him again, hands fisting against her cardigan, eyes closing with the feeling of being close to her like this, with her scent and presence engulfing him whole. "I miss you." Want you. Need you.

"I'm right here," she whispers.

Love you. "I know."

And it feels awfully painful.

*

Later, in the evening, when the pizza's arrived as they take a break doing Reed's work (they've decided to push the Finding Nemo movie night to tomorrow instead, they have to prove some bitches wrong by finishing this report concisely and perfectly), Roden's phone rings with a contact that surprises him.

"Dad," he greets once he's in the kitchen. "You called."

"Sorry it took so long," Steve answers. It's quiet on the other line, and Roden figures that his dad is back home after a long day at work. "I had to deal with a lot of stuff."

Roden is still stunned. "That's...it's okay. I'm actually—I wasn't expecting for you to get back to me."

"What, I can't call my son?"

He's tempted to ask what made him feel like Roden is still his son when he's married and fathered to his work, but he wants to keep the conversation civil. This may be the last time they talk after all. "You can," he murmurs, fiddling with his fingers. "I, uh, just wanted to ask how things are going with you."

His father clears his throat. "Ah, well, I called because I also wanted to tell you something. Remember the partner I had a business deal with, Vivianne? We're...well, we're engaged."

Roden doesn't know who the fuck Vivianne is. "Oh."

"Yeah."

"That's great."

"...you don't sound very happy."

"Don't tell me you expect me to be so," Roden says with a humorless laugh. "Look, Dad. I just wanted to say that I'm not doing so great here and that I might not be able to come to Bairdford or to Coalfell anytime soon, and that you should visit Mom once in a while and take care of her. Maybe get a divorce while you're at it—she still has your name and your ring on her finger, you know? Give her that much respect."

Steve is quiet for a few seconds. "Yeah. I actually plan to do that, and I was hoping you were there to ease the conversation when your term ends. But it looks like it isn't going to happen."

Roden bites his tongue with the words, 'You don't need me to fix shit up for you.' Instead, he rubs his forehead and sighs. "Good luck, then. You'll need it."

"Thanks," his father says with a sigh. "I hope things work out for you, son. I hope that you take care of whatever's holding you back from coming home."

My life is holding me back. "Thanks, Dad."

"Alright, I'll talk to you again soon. Bye."

All the other times before, Roden felt nothing while talking to his father.

This time is a little different, and it's something that hits closely to feeling like a little boy who looks up to his father. To feeling like missing the old man.

It's just close, but it's there, and it's enough.

*

i hope you guys don't think that Reed is shallow for crying about something like that. Go back to the third chapter if you need to understand why she reacted that way—she's very sensitive and passionate (at the same time) about learning, and being called stupid was a blow to her self-esteem. I hope you guys understand where she's coming from and that she's not being dramatic.

thank you for the tremendous support for R&R. I hope you guys continue supporting me and the story until it ends!! (only three chapters left)

much love, q.

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